Bipolar check in #73

For years, I've been like a radiator on full blast. One bit of anxiety makes me start sweating, too. I debate how much of it is the meds and how much pre-menopause.

@~Christina, my cold is still present, but as of now it's easing, rather than worsening. I can't say that about my moods.

Yesterday, I finally called my brother after too long not. He is in agony, mostly because of the chemo side effects, he believes, more than even the cancer. Given how late stage his cancer is and his relatively young age (57), they have him on the highest dose chemo they give. He told me he ideally would have wanted to go to the ER yesterday, but didn't because he thought it would do little good and of course...the marvelous American medical bills. He started ranting about his view of the cause for them (a conspiracy theory). I didn't bother arguing against it so as not to distress him further. He also almost cried about his loneliness and how he feels neglected. It is heartbreaking to hear, and was a clear slap on my wrist, too, that I don't call enough. I vowed to call significantly more. Calls are hard, though. I wish he was also more open to texting.

I looked forward to visiting our place today, but we won't. Our friend, the renovations construction manager, asked us not to come until Friday so as to "surprise us". Instead of that exciting me, it drove me to catastrophize. My first thought was "Did a wall suddenly fall down and he has to rebuild and paint it without us knowing?"

After I called my brother, I planned to call my dad, but it didn't happen. Instead, Dad called me a while later. I felt sad he did it first. Made me feel neglectful with him, too. His words were positive, but his breathing didn't sound good. He has worsening COPD, and they want him on oxygen much of the time.

I chatted with Sis a little last week, but that was sad, too. It was what would have been my youngest nephew's 30th birthday, if we hadn't lost him 6 years before I was looking through old email exchanges with him. One was on his 20th birthday when he was super excited that my brother took him out for dinner. I forwarded that to my sister, then I wondered if I shouldn't have.

I confess to have taken my med management into my own hands, recently. I made a reduction that my Brno and American pdocs would never have made. At least the amount. Perhaps that's backfiring on me. My newest pdoc I only saw once, and her English isn't good. I haven't had a tdoc since Brno, six months ago. I realize I'm in a vulnerable position. I should surely go back to what I should be taking. I clearly have too little support, but when I think of what my brother doesn't have, I have a lot.

I got an A in my last elective. My gpa is 3.64! I’m

Gonna graduate college with honors!

i am having a lot of difficult feelings about the woman that i fell in love with during a bipolar episode last summer (sounds crazy, i know!). i thought of her last night while walking the dog and i cant stop thinking about her. we have exchanged a coupole of short emails today. i miss you terribly and i would give anything if i could exist in two universes at once and be with both her and my wife.

I have tried to follow my daily plans, only to succeed to some degree. I have felt like a big failure!

So I have been thinking things through this morning: To have success to some degree means that there is something I have done right. Oh, yes there was much I wasn't able to do, but being able to do something is a start.

I have decided to try to do the following changes.
1) Open the windows more often to get fresh air even if it is cold outside.
2) Try to say more often: "I can start to this", when I don't feel for it.
3) Be more clever to say stop when activities has to stop in order to change to a new activity on my schedule.