Bipolar Check-in #74

I am still in pain. The shoulder will be so for a long time (as I have explained to you in a former post). I try to do the exercises for the shoulder twice every day.

Even if it hurts, I am OK with the pain in my shoulder. I know what it is about. When it comes to my tooth, it is different. I can chew without pain now, but I have pain that moves around in my head, sometimes here and sometimes there. For the most of the time, however, I have pain in the right half of my face with a pressure above my right eye and some pain in my head at that side.

I have to say that I have begun to become very nervous because it is so close to my departure for Spain. Will the dentist (appointment Tuesday right after Easter Sunday) make sense of the information I give?

Is it possible to fill up the root canal and make a crown before I leave? We'll see. I think the best solution to this is to let the dentist decide what is best to do for my tooth, and for me to contact my GP's office if I am still in pain after my visit at the dentist's. (Years ago I had an accident with a dentist that wasn't able to fill the whole root canal because the end of the root was bending. I had pain for half a year after that. Then I needed a surgery).

I need prayers!

[QUOTE=Rosi700;7322758

I need prayers! [/QUOTE]

You got 'em!

I hope your dentist does come up with some, at least temporary, solution given your trip. I'm sure you'll be telling them about it. That may expedite things.

A few years ago, I discovered an abscess above one of my two front teeth. This was after a period of great pain in them, that then calmed to what was just a strange numb feeling. It was literally the day before Christmas Eve that I saw an endodontist who gave me root canals for both. She was so nice and skilled to take me on such short notice. I remember the root canals being almost pleasurable. Actually, nicer than even routine teeth cleaning. She then put a temporary filling in and said to return to my usual dentist for the permanent ones after the new year. The temporary fillings served me just fine during that time.

Before moving from the US, my husband had half of a molar crack. It then broke more and he pulled half of it out himself, giving him relief. I'm NOT suggesting to do anything on your own, but can say that one can wait on crowns, if needed. Actually, he's been with only half of that molar for almost 3 years. He's procrastinated getting it fixed. Perhaps your dentist can do something that allows you to more comfortably wait for the crown.

My husband keeps telling me to take Ativan. I, myself, have decided to take one most nights to help me sleep. I think that all of the hell in my life is causing some mood elevation. Nothing positive, though. More frustrated angry elevation. I know I've been getting louder and less patient, talking over people -- small early signs that are common for me.

Right now Hubby is taking a nap. I know he needs it, yet I really wish we were doing more in terms of unpacking. My bedroom stuff (clothes, etc.) is mostly unpacked. What isn't is waiting for me in the storage. Hubby's stuff, on the other hand, is still piled in the bedroom as clutter. I've offered to help him unpack, but of course he refuses.

My sister arranged that we'll have a private funeral ceremony for our dad, when I am able to go to the US. It's possible since he was cremated. Obviously this is not the norm to wait so long. People around town keep inquiring. We also plan to limit who comes. When my father was still living on his own, before the assisted living, he was in an extended manic episode, drinking and partying heavily. Some people in town exploited him, financially. It made it all the easier for them since Dad was manic and telling people he "was rich" and being excessively generous, in lust with a few women along the way. My siblings and I do not wish those particular people to attend any funeral service for our father. Their attendance would be, let's say, fury provoking. Nevertheless, townies are all asking about the service. One townie approached my sister, who is the polar opposite of assertive, asking to come. My sister kinda sort of said yes, but that the date hasn't been set. She told me today and I warned her that such an exception easily balloons into other unexpected attendees. I told her it should be avoided. Frankly, if that particular guy approached me to my face, I probably wouldn't even recognize who he was. He wasn't even a significant friend of my dad's. You let in one and a crowd follows, and of course they all want to go to a reception afterwards to eat. Yea, my father was popular around town (for some unfortunate reasons), but the funeral is for the closest family. Not a bunch of leeches, some of which I'd want to ask to leave, to put it gently. [This shows that my mood elevation is still pretty mild.]

Also, my poor brother is currently incapable of leaving a hospital. Or even getting out of a bed to go to a bathroom. Sadly, it may even be the case that my father is not the only person grieved in the near future.

My coworker gave me two .5 Xanax for the flights there and back! So nice of her. I took .25 as soon as I woke up because I was already panicking and I feel SO much better. I wish I could get Xanax from my pdoc so I could have it on hand for these frequent panic attacks I’m having.

Wish me luck in my travels today. I just want to get there and into the vacation house without any issues!

Had my writers' group last night, and woke at 5am (after going to bed at midnight) feeling utterly despondent.

I'm having trouble with my novel's plot (I'm 120 pages into first draft) and wondering if long-term unbearable stress has damaged my brain. I know I used to have a good brain, but I've been limping through life for a long time, struggling just to survive. Physical and mental health have played a big part. I've sold short stories, but never actually finished a novel despite doing some drafts. I've now come up with a good premise, but I've rarely been able to make myself write more than an hour or two a day, maybe a few days a week. At 54 I'd be lucky to sell a novel to a paying publisher no matter how good it is. Yes, some writers are able to publish best-selling novels in their 60s and beyond, but it's very rare for a first time novelist to be older. I'm certainly hopeful but realistic.


And yes, I try not to think about that stuff most of the time.


There are a few indications I might possibly "have what it takes" - such as I recently won 6th place in the Writers Digest international short story competition (genre category). The contest that year had over 6,000 entries across all categories. I also got a Silver Honorable Mention in the Writers of the Future contest.

One of the women in my writers group is a hyper-competent science fiction writer who writes science based stories (I write magic realism or Fantasy usually). She plots out her stories (even short stories) exhaustively and writes every day for several hours, and listens to podcasts, reads books about writing, attends conferences, etc. She's my age. She has published a lot of short stories. I just feel so incompetent next to her. I have never plotted out a novel before and get so intimidated.

I struggle so much with depression and my mental health. And I don't want to become hypo-manic to write a novel. Ugh. I just feel like a child of a lesser god, you know? I can barely drag myself out of bed at 10am most days.

I've had huge psychological blocks to writing a novel, probably because it has always been what I wanted more than anything, and I've had such fear and doubt in myself. Now I'm retired (well, on disability since the summer but a few months from retiring). I finally have time. But I'm feeling overwhelmed. In the last year what with putting our home on the market, selling under huge financial pressure and moving, I just haven't done much.

Bottom line is I've hardly been able to handle the basics of keeping myself and my husband (who is disabled) afloat. I don't even have kids, which is probably a good thing as I don't think I could have handled it. I honestly don't know how some people are able to work 40+ hours a week, raise a family and write brilliant novels.

Truthfully, I've only read a few novels in the last year. I used to read a book a week, just a few years ago. I am anxious hours before a writing group now. The pandemic destroyed the remainder of my social confidence. Ugh.

Sending you best wishes and hugs. You are going through so much. Please remember that it's okay to limit who goes to the funeral. It's also okay to have a private service just for family and friends.

I can relate to some of this. I sometimes wish I had ''worked harder'' at a career. My Father was keen to give me a ''good education'' but this stopped when I turned 17. (as did any other form of positive interest in me). At the time I didn't know why (I did not have the required information...)

Thanks for sharing.

I really hope things look up and that the new application goes through.

I'm still doing well. This morning I am having a mammogram. *Cross fingers* Results in a week. I've got my annual apartment inspection in a week. I've been cleaning and straightening up. I forgot to not wear deodorant to my mammogram this morning but they had towelettes so I could remove it.

Sorry I've been MIA again. I really need to catch up. I think I'll go drop my old leftover Haldol at the pharmacy for them to dispose of.

I'm so sorry to hear it. I hope you are able to get a lawyer and fight for it. It's pretty tough here in Canada as well. It seems like a lot of the process is to weed out people who can't afford to endlessly wait and reapply, rather than help those who have disabilities.

Thank you so much for these comforting words!

I hope Ativan helps your sleep and that the sleep lowers your angry energy. You have been through much now with the moving and everything and on top of that your fathers death.

I wish you and the nearest family a "good" private sermon for your father when the time comes for his burial!

Congratulation! Well done!


Never compare yourself to others! We all have different experiences, different strength, heritage and so on.

I’m quite behind in reading posts. Still working on getting things streamlined in my world. Slowly making progress.

@Brentus I was so out of it that I hired a company that specializes in helping you get disability. Makes all the difference in the world.

@Soupe du jour so sorry to hear of your loss. My sincere condolences

I have everything ready for our Easter celebration. My nephew will be absent as he is enlisted and my daughter will be absent as she will be spending it with her soon to be in laws in another city. We had the maid come in yesterday - the house looks phenomenal. I’ll miss my daughter but will meet her next Sunday to visit.

I’ve got a few fun things coming up: 2 new bible studies, a drum circle on a full moon night by campfire, a party with people my age, the Gatlinburg trip coming up at the Hilton, lunches and movies with friends, more painting with wine and piano lessons. I took piano for 12 years and even gave recitals. I hope it comes back easily.

Mom has a wound on the lower lid of her eye that will not heal. She’ll have surgery Tuesday. At almost 88, I’m not thrilled but know it must be done.

Mom and I went to see a chorale and orchestra. The music was so hauntingly beautiful, tears rolled from the first song. There was a stained glass window with sunlight coming through. Beautiful. A lovely concert. They even gave me a metal cross to carry with me.

It’s getting closer to Florida and pool opening! Excited about that.

I am fully over any illness and feel terrific!

Brother’s birthday was Monday. Some difficulty with that. He would have been 60. Easter will be a bit hard as well.

I hope everybody will be graced with peace during these tough times. Much love.

The doctor called in the dicyclomine. I took the first 2 doses and I already feel so much better. It also acts as an anxiety med too. Probably since it gets rid of the pain. The only issue is that it can really decimate my appetite and I can lose a lot of weight on it without trying. But if its the only thing that works and I can't get into see the doctor until June 14th, my therapist is just going to have to suck it.

At the coffee shop the other day the woman at the window smiled at me. Today she asked how I liked my drink. I think she was just being friendly but I'm not used to much of anyone talking to me let alone girls my age

They can make a temporary crown

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I agree with your views on not wanting those can of people at your Dads service.

Sending you hugs

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Once again you are busy busy busy !!! Good for you

Nice seeing you

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~Wash rinse repeat~

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Bentyl
Is for stomach cramping/irritable bowel
Syndrome. How exactly is it helping your anxiety?

If I'm not in severe stomach pain after taking a bentyl then my anxiety is fine since what I'm feeling is physical anxiety from pain and not mental health related anxiety.

I hope that makes sense. Basically my anxiety is due to whatever is up with my stomach and then the bentyl takes care of both the pain and the related anxiety.

I’m
Wondering if the cokes and coffee you drink
Are causing irritation in your stomachs as evidenced by the pain?

I'm trying to quit soda. I have only had a coffee Coke in the last 2 days and I've noticed a difference in my sleep and my legit anxiety and moods. Also I can eat more since I'm not drinking 400 calories a day in soda.

I've mostly switched to Gatorade and water. I'm trying to drink less coffee just for financial reasons.

Gatorade has a ton of sugar so I’d check out Gatorade zero. It tastes pretty good. Less caffeine can reduce your anxiety which that may be what’s helped.