Bipolar Check-in #74

I don't get this depression. Maybe it's been like this before and I don't remember (I'll ask my therapist Monday) but I have one good day and then several bad before having another good day. I seem to be stuck at the same level on depression and I'm also going to ask him to do a depression inventory out of curiosity. I just spent the entire day cuddled up under my weighted blanket and watching videos but I don't feel better at all. Before in this messed up depression if I could have a day off I'd feel feel better for a few before getting sucked back under. Today it didn't help and I want to do it again although I can't because I need to go to the store for Easter stuff.


I am so discouraged. I thought a month into my higher dose of Emsam I'd be all better. I think I will hit a week in a few days.

I'm so overwhelmed. I've not done laundry in 2 weeks. I could sleep all day every day. I don't want any noise.Et.

I just don't understand. I've had a bipolar diagnosis for 21 years and I don't remember even having one like this. I don't even know when it started.

I'm so over the whole thing regardless of when it started.

Yesterday was... "fun." Talked with my boss and others regarding keeping the
Iights on during my six week convalescence. The answer from everyone: No. No one official wants to help. I've got a few unofficial channels (friends and family) I can check, but it's going to be a rough few months.

Another bit of financial grief that went my way: My bank called me to say they were cancelling my card for suspected fraudulent charges. I had to convince them not to cancel (at least right away) as I needed to put gas in my car to get home. I also had nothing in the pantry. Another reason I had to sweet talk them: the replacement card wouldn't show up at my bank until the day of my operation. Too long!

So, I have to arrange to pick up a new debit card from a bank location I hardly visit and then drive a little over an hour to get to work.

Hubby and I were at his sister's for lunch for an early Easter meal with his nephews and the one nephew's long-time girlfriend/partner. The meal was quite good as were conversations, though I was clearly showing my depression. They were sweetly supportive, which I appreciated. My pickled deviled eggs (beets pickled eggs) were a hit. They were traditional in my family. Pennsylvania Dutch in origin, but common in areas in the states surrounding.

Hubby and I were having our US taxes done by our usual tax accountant in my hometown. He's a well-known in town, the town tax assessor, and always one of the kindest people there. Knew my family for decades. Shockingly, today we learned he was just arrested for possessing child pornography. Unbelievable! We're speechless! Not sure what will be the status of our tax work.

Not much to say. I’m low level down.

@Soupe du jour - so sorry to hear that - that is horrible he was found with child pornography

@Nammu -



I have been dealing with periods of severe depression since my friend died. I feel like I have grieved for her, but the whole thing just affected my mental health.


I did pick up a novel by one of my favourite authors (Matt Haig) and it's giving me joy and inspiration. Re-inspiring my writing. I have realized that my novel issues are not insurmountable and I always do figure out a solution. I'm just putting a huge amount of pressure on myself which is counterproductive.

My uncle thought his girlfriend was almost ready to be moved to a regular room. But shes taken another turn for the worst and is back on the ventilator. I know from my own expiernces with my dad and my dog that they tend to get really better and then end up dying suddenly.

My stomach med is helping a lot with my pain. My mirolax is working a bit too well and I don't know if I'm tired from that or from all the family stuff. But mental health wise I'm fine.

Tommorow my sister and her family are coming over. I don't like Easter mainly because I don't like Easter food besides Easter candy. I don't like ham. My mom got my nephews baskets and got my 6 month old niece a little book.

I deep cleaned my room this morning and I found a very old piece of roast beef on my nightstand. I showed it to my mom who had a combination of a disgusted and a bemused look on her face. It was funny. But my room is very clean now and I'm glad I was feeling well enough for once to get it cleaned up. I did all my laundry too for the first time in 1.5 weeks.

@Soupe du jour Child pornography Well, so it is. It is impossible to know who is using children, sexually or do other bad "things". They look like all of us. Strange how they are able to act normally, laugh and feel well when they have such ugly "things" on their minds.

@Samicat Don't be hard on yourself. You are in a grief proseces and you cannot expect to be on top of everything. Take it easy with your novel. I mean if you are so full og grief that it is impossible to consentrate, take a short break, eat something good for you or do relaxing exercises in front of an open window (just suggestions). You probably know what works best for you!

@Mountaindewed Sorry to hear about your uncles girlfriend.

My husband picked up the THC spray (legal here) that I use for severe depression. I'm glad to have it - even having it makes me feel calmer.

My sleep and stomach are improving by fits and starts. It's been nine days now. At least, at last, i'm rehydrated.

Well I bought a wedding dress today.! I’m broke
Even more now!

What does it look like? (Or can't you say?) That's exciting!

I’m so sorry this drawn out depression is just hanging on and on. I’m glad your going to ask Rick for his input. My low grade depression has really hung on this past go around.

Take good care of yourself and give yourself grace

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Glad you had a nice time Soupe. That’s horrify to find out someone you know is involved in something like that ! Hope he’s locked up for life.

Nammu your going through alot. Be kind to your self you have so much going on.

Sami glad you got the THC spray! Hope it helps quickly

Hallie’s dress ( posted with her approval ) will be a beautiful bride!

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Hallie, it is lovely! I love the lace and full skirt.

You will be a beautiful bride!

Very pretty and romantic-looking dress, HALLIEBETH!

During the course of my recent move, I saw mine. I keep it in my main clothes closet. Brought back lovely memories.

I also still have my wedding bouquet. I dried it after the day and it remains intact. I store it in a special picnic basket that I keep above a bookcase in my bedroom.

Today will be a quiet day for just Hubby and me, after yesterday's family luncheon. Czechs also get tomorrow off as a national holiday (Easter Monday), even though they're not a particularly religious people. In fact, percentage-wise, they're one of the least religious countries in the world. Many reasons. I will probably do more unpacking.

Tonight I plan to make a nice dinner for us, though.

Happy Easter to all that celebrate it! Or as Czechs say "Veselé Velikonoce!"

Beautiful! Very nice dress. Yes you will make a beautiful bride!

Gorgeous dress @HALLIEBETH87 !

We made it to Florida with just a couple of hiccups. Our mobile boarding passes wouldn’t come up so we had to get the counter to print them at the last minute. Then the vacation rental person forgot we were coming and never sent the code to get into the house. He didn’t answer at first when we called but he called back and after a moment of confusion he gave us the code and we got in. It’s a nice house but in a bit of a sketchy area so if we come again we won’t be staying here. Then the rental car kept getting stuck in between gears (wouldn’t let RS shift) so we had to drive 45 minutes back to the airport to exchange it. But everything is good now!

Yesterday we went to a nature preserve and took a (long!) walk through the trails. We saw a lot of wildlife, including a lot of big gators! There were two raccoons walking right along the trail and then a big turtle trying to make his way across. We think the big soft shell turtle we saw was trying to dig a nest to lay eggs. It was awesome. The only unfortunate part is it was a last minute decision we made after we got to his cousin’s house so we didn’t prepare with sunscreen or extra water. CR got burned a bit, as did I. That’s what we get for being pale. But it was mostly gone by this morning so it wasn’t too bad. Today we’re going to a barbecue at his cousin’s house. Tomorrow maybe the beach?

I think I’ve figured out the source of my anxiety. I believe it is PTSD related. My anxious thoughts are all the same, that someone close to me (especially RS) is going to die. I’m getting flash visions of people just dropping dead in front of me and when I’m not physically with RS I’m worried that he’s gotten into an accident or even more absurd and unlikely things like the store he’s at has been held up and he’s been shot. I can’t even tell myself that that likely hasn’t happened because my first husband did die out of nowhere. And when did he die? At the end of May eight years ago. We’re coming up on the anniversary. So I think my subconscious is thinking about the trauma surrounding that death and extrapolating into the present. That’s something I’m just going to have to work on with my therapist. Still wish I could get Xanax though.

Thanks y’all!!!! I felt so elegant in it

I'm feeling pretty good today. Its so nice outside and we have all the windows open. My mom and I took a walk earlier and my sister and my brother in law and the kids will be over soon for dinner. I spent $106 on Puma shoes today. I'm getting serious about this walking stuff and all I have are Vans. Which are horrible for walking. The Puma ones weren't even the most expensive ones. I haven't bought shoes in awhile so I didn't know they went up so much in price. Especially when I get my dog I'll need good shoes since I plan on taking him on long walks. I really want to name him Robert for some reason. I love human names for animals. I once had a dog named Elliot like from ET and Petes Dragon and I have a cat named Gary after SpongeBobs pet. I was thinking of naming a dog Brandon like the dog from Punky Brewster but then that name went to hell.

Went to Easter service with my mom. Last one before my surgery. I'm trying to rearrange my living room and get it set up for both the new TV and some furniture (couch and chair) before my hospital trip. If I'm gonna be laid up for six weeks, I might as well have a home base to be laid up and watch TV or play video games or whatever.

Figuring out finances has been an ordeal. I secured some money for utilities from my mother, which is helpful, but doesn't account for alot of things. Food, gas, maybe something to get me out of the house as I get stronger and healthier. I hate asking for charity, but I've got to, it seems.

If I can come back from the hospital with a financial game plan that keeps me from having to worry about expenses, I'll be thrilled!

Beginning of May is my next pdoc appointment. Husband still isn't stabilized in a downward trend like they want him to. Spent my last $25 on food for the week. So we'll see what happens.

People arent joking when they say Bentyl makes you feel drunk. I just stumbled in the bathroom when turning around and then stumbled again in the garage and almost fell onto my soda collection.

I think I have some tmi issue that I need to deal with. I don't even know if I should be around people to be honest. My kidney doctor wanted to do the test anyways so I'm trying to get to the lab but it looks like it won't work out for tommorow.

Idk why I keep feeling the bugs all
Over me. I keep
Fact checking. I guess I am
Just so
Worried about so many things…

I have a strange problem

My husband is having a friend over next week. They've been friends for a few years and met playing music.

The problem is that this guy has treated me with cold contempt from the moment he laid eyes on me. The first time we met he avoided eye contact with me most of the time but spoke to my husband's older sister and niece. It was really obvious. I made attempts to try to talk to him. Husband didn't notice as he was at the other end of the table.

We went out with him and his girlfriend another time. He was polite but I could really sense the coldness and again avoiding eye contact. I do not sense such coldness from most people.

A few times when he has called my husband's phone and I have answered, he doesn't acknowledge me or say hello, just asks for my husband.

I've only experienced this kind of coldness a few times in my life, and it was from men who didn't like how I look. I am overweight and not conventionally attractive and possibly he thinks my husband could do better. This guy is small and skinny and I am physically bigger than him. Judging from the women he dates, he likes small Asian women (he is half Asian).

It's just weird though, honestly. I mean it's certainly nothing I've said or done, although I get the sense he would interpret anything I say negatively.

I honestly don't know how to act. I feel so uncomfortable around him. I would prefer never to see him again.

Before anyone says I'm nuts thinking this could be my looks - remember it happened the moment he laid eyes on me. Bam. And my husband is not the type to gossip. Also - many rock musicians have big egos and expect their women to be lookers. Over the years I've had a few milder versions of this from musicians. Not all - not even 1 in 10. But to some you're not even human if you're female and not attractive. Plus I don't sing or play music.

Should I just avoid him in the future and be out when he stops by? I really don't see him liking me and I don't want to feel like I have to win him over.