Bipolar Check-in #74

A year ago I had to say goodbye to my dad on the phone because he lived in America. It was sooo hard. It was a 5 minute conversation and whilst I don’t remember everything I said I remember telling him I love him and that I knew he loved me too (he couldn’t speak in his final hours). Man that was tough and I will remember it forever

I’m so pleased I slept until 5:00 today when my partner woke me up! I think my days of being up at 1:00am are finally over after months of not sleeping!

Yesterday I unpacked the laundry and the linen cupboard.

Today I want to do more clothes in my bedroom, the master ensuite bathroom and put together the bench for the new patio set outside.

Things are starting to come together nicely!

A school shooting in Nashville this morning. Was at a Christian school for K - 6th grade.

3 children and 3 adults killed. The shooter was identified as a 28 year old female who was shot and killed.

Another senseless tragedy.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

@Soupe du jour:

Just after saying i would keep you in my thoughts, i turned the page in my puzzle book and found this!

I'm so sorry, Soupe. In a way, it's good to be able to say farewell, you can say the things that you want to say and will remember this for a long time.

My sister's friend, also a friend to me, passed away a few years ago and I had a chance to speak to her before she passed. It gave me a sense of closure and I wasn't as hurt during the funeral because I had a chance to say goodbye. It was a difficult conversation and there were lots of tears during and after.

Stay strong, Soupe.

I had a training session yesterday, it was tough. Then, believe it or not I went back today to work out again.

I'm so hungry because of all the exercise. I'm being careful and not overdoing it. I'll take a break tomorrow and back to training on Wednesday.

My sleep is better. Two 9 hour nights but I wake up multiple times, but I'm able to go back to sleep which is good.

I've transitioned to government support now that I've used up all my disability benefits at work. I'm getting enough to cover my mortgage which is good. Still have to dip into savings for my other expenses but the government support helps.

Oh lord, insurance companies make zero sense. I got a letter today saying the generic latuda I just got was covered only for that one time and would not be covered again! Ohh, so scared. I called the number on the letter and talked to a very nice lady who called a pharmacy. It seems if I continue to get the name brand latuda it will be covered but the generic won’t be covered. It cost both them and me more but at least I’ll get it. It’s $6 dollars more for me but thousands for them. It makes zero sense. But for a couple of hours I was so scared I’d end up in the hospital if my meds weren’t available to me. For my daughter they quit covering the brand name but do cover the generic. She ended up in the hospital for a week before it was straightened out. What random hell is the USA medical industry?

Oh Soupe, that is just terrible. I will keep you in my thoughts and send lots of good vibes your way.

@soupe - sending best wishes and hugs

I didn't sleep well last night and had a stomach ache all night. I'm going to stick to not eating after 7pm. So tired of stomach issues - had them for years.

Will someone tell me how to reference a member so they will see a notification? I'm using the @ sign but it doesn't seem to work

Anyway.... 3 days until my friend's assisted death. She has terminal cancer. I really hate losing people. I really hope they are in a better place and I will see them again one day, yet I am unable to feel certainty or hold strong beliefs about this. I personally hope NOT to be reincarnated. Although I think if reincarnation is ever proven, and especially if it's proven to be RANDOM, I think all the billionaires would make pretty darned sure that every child worldwide has health care, education, and a chance at a good life!!!

Work went well today. I forgot the schedule and some of the ways we run things but I figured it out pretty quick. The kids were a little thrown off being as it is an autistic classroom and some of our kids are very rigid in routine. Me coming back disrupted the routine they had fallen into. But they adjusted with little issue. It was interesting to be around my kids again, I forgot how funny they are. One of the nonverbal girls broke into the bathroom and played in the toilet while I was fishing the nonverbal boy’s milk sippy cup out of the trash just another day in the life haha.

Tomorrow I am taking a half day to go to meet my new pdoc. Reviews online go either way on this guy. I’m going to bring up Emsam and maybe see if I can weasel some Xanax or Ativan out of him because every single day around 4pm I fall into an intense anxiety attack. My heart races above 100bpm and I feel like I can’t breathe. Idk why it’s always at 4pm but I’m getting tired of it. If he’s acceptable I’m going to keep him. Im not looking for amazing right now, I really don’t have the wherewithal to search high and low for a new pdoc. But if he treats me like **** from the off then I’ll have to find someone else.

We’re lucky we’re supposed to get our tax return this week. Gotta pay mortgage and electric and I’m pretty sure I owe one of my credit cards too. I’m not going to get paid until April 15 and I won’t get my money from the state until April 12.

I’m still quite low. I feel just awful about myself. I’m sure I can fix that myself but I don’t have the energy to deal with it right now.

could you refinance you house note to get a lower mortgage mote?I don't know what your financing percentage interest on your house not it may be that could be redone if interest rates are lower that what you have.
bizi just throwing that out there. Do you have health insurance?That is probably the most important of all insurances.car and homeowners insurance are also mandatory.
It must be hard to get by.
(((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

I talked to my pdoc today. She says she still sees the depression but I think she sees the little improvement I've been feeling the last few days. She did say (and mark in my chart in bright blue) that from now on I'll be going on a higher dose of Emsam than my usual in January because this is the 2nd year in a row I've gotten depressed at the very same time.


My therapist also called me to check on me today which was very nice of him. He called before I was awake and I mostly mumbled answers at him but he called when he could and I really appreciate it; it was nice and he's never done that before in 17 years.


I think that feeling good enough to post here is good. I've had so many times I've wanted to say something and just couldn't so maybe I'll feel like being supportive again soon.

Thanks, everyone, for the kind thoughts and prayers. My family was lucky that we at least had the chance to say goodbye to my dad. He passed away late last night Eastern time, in the US. I think he was happy with all that I said, which I prepared carefully beforehand. It was much different than when my mother died, about 18 years ago. With her, I was in total denial and frenzy.

My brother is still in the hospital. I need to talk to my sister about his condition, as yesterday the main focus was obviously on Dad.

@Crazy Hitch, I don't think my call with my dad exceeded 15 minutes. I was lucky that it was a video call through WhatsApp, so he saw me and I saw him, thanks to my sister holding the phone. I'm sorry you had to say goodbye in such a way, too, but am glad you expressed what you wanted. @Scooter9, this closure was definitely more beneficial for me than my denial when my mother was passing. Thanks for sharing about this.

@JaneOnceMore, that is a sweet coincidence regarding my screen name. I had almost forgotten that the anglicized spelling omits the "e" in the French "Soupe".

@Samicat, what a sad end of March this is for us, because of the losses we will have endured. Yes, how sweet it would be to meet up with all of our lost loved ones in another place. However, what I said to my dad was that he will always be alive and with me while I'm still living, as well. In so many ways. Regarding the "@" feature, the challenge is to type the person's screen name exactly as it appears, including any spaces between words/names and the precise capitalized/lowercase letters. So, excluding the quote marks, mine would be "@Soupe du jour". I know the "e" after the soup part is confusing sometimes, as it is the French version rather than anglicized one.

I did read everyone's posts and want to send hugs for all who also need support. @BeyondtheRainbow, it's good that your mental healthcare team are aware of your current depression struggle. Please stay safe. I hope spring will soon lift your moods.

@bizi, I was listening to some jazz yesterday, thinking about my dad and his family. Dad loved Django Reinhardt's guitar playing. His family would have jazz music jam sessions when my paternal grandfather was still alive. Granddad ("Pop Pop") was a professional trombone player and also played guitar and most all other family members played an instrument, too.

@Soupe du jour - okay let's see if this works. Thanks for instructions

Indeed it did, @Samicat! Perfectly!

Up late because I forgot to take my meds earlier

Recently I discovered Stoic philosophy which is very different from what I'd thought and has been inspiring and helpful to me mentally. My favourite character on Star Trek when I was a child was Mr. Spock and I loved how he approached everything with logic, and this is a very Stoic idea.

I don't want to get into what Stoicism is because anyone can get a definition, but one idea that struck home with me is that one must never react in anger, but pause and process before responding - respond rather than react. Stoicism isn't about suppressing emotions - it's about processing them. So with anger you may need to go for a walk, write in a journal, and/or wait until the next day, but respond with a cool head.


The other idea that galvanized me is "The obstacle is the way," that one should not avoid worthy tasks or situations because they are difficult. The idea is that you're going to suffer anyway if you avoid them. The hardest tasks often yield the biggest rewards. This is so true for me, and since reading this I have gone to the gym 3 times a week, stuck to my healthy diet and worked on my novel every day.


To a stoic, hard work is its own reward and you shouldn't rely on praise or acclaim from others. This is also helpful to me in writing my novel. I always worry if others will like my work. Now I know I don't have to.

There are some amazing parallels between Stoicism and Buddhism, which is fascinating since I know of no historical connection.

The ideas of stoicism are really helping my mood. If anyone is interested I recommend watching Ryan Holiday on YouTube or reading his books. But there are tons of articles and books by others also.

@Soupe du jour Sorry to hear that your father has passed.

To all: Hope you are able to live your lives as good as possible!

About me: It was a wise decision to take a break from the forum. For the time being I get easily distracted, so the less I need to think about, the better. But I haven't forgotten you! I feel sleepy almost all day along, but am able to do a tiny bit of housework every day. My shoulders and arms are in pain (and will be for the next months). I have canceled my appointment for the massage. May be I'll contact him when I come home from Spain. I do the exercises for my shoulders every day, so slowly, slowly they will become better.We have more snow. Am tired of the winter, but it cannot last so much longer now!

Send prayers and good wishes your way!

I found your post when I was going to log out. I cannot remember so much of stoicim from the time I was a student, but the way you explain it have some similarity with modern CBT. I think it is wise to leave Freud behind and find more practical ways to support us.

From "The Decider" (uk. a simpifyed CBT approach):

- "Somtimes we cannot see the light in the end, but it is there, and the only way to get through this tunnel and out on the other side, is to keep going."

- If I am here, then I am not there (past) or there (future)!

- "There is that DRIFT again (in thoughts)". "Pull it back to the here and now". "Do it". (...)

From another CBT reference:

- "The truth is I don't feel like it, but that doesn't have to get in my way. I can do things I dont want to do or feel like doing, simply by doing it"

......................................................

Inside the CBT approach one often uses Mindfulness to relax. Mindfulness is part of Buddhism.

I wish you luck with your methods! (Now I have to go and take care of my own needs with the little energy I have! )

Yesterday was an incredibly busy and productive day! I had about a dozen things on my to do list and accomplished all but two. Most involved getting lithium levels (and other labs) done for my PsychNP, setting up nearly a half dozen medical appointments with various specialists in the next two months and dealing with some medical grade BS.

Of note:
The dental clinic who looked at my broken tooth last week still doesn't have an extractor coming in for at least a month. The antibiotics they gave me cleared up the infection at least, but I don't like having 1/3 to 1/2 of a tooth sitting in my mouth unaddressed. What's worse, the clinic who's number they gave me to call runs off of a lottery system essentially. I'm supposed to call them in an hour (with presumably loads of other people doing the same thing) and hope to be given one of ten slots for the day. It's worse on the weekends. There, I have to physically show up at the clinic at 7am and hope to be given one of fifteen slots. Ah, America!

The other bit of fun revolves around my Colestipol being out at the factory for the second time this year and leaving me scrambling for any pharmacy that could dispense it. Of course, my Colestipol (taken to deal with the GI symptoms of bile dumping after me gallbladder was removed) is the med that keeps me most functional in my day to day. I did a lot of leg work and managed to secure a week of meds from my current pharmacy and a pharmacy the next town over that had a proper month of stock. I just have to pick it up.

Today consists of some big early morning stuff! I've got the "dental lottery" phone call coming soon. Here's hoping I get a spot! I've also got a consult regarding the synovial cyst in my neck in around three hours, and I've got to pick up my Colestipol before the end of the day. Finally, I'm going to look in a new internet provider that might save me $30+ a month!

Last but not least, I found my Sophie-cat had set up some... unusual sleeping arrangements last night. It was too sweet not to share!

@Soupe du jour I'm so sorry about the loss of your dad, but I'm glad you had the chance to say goodbye. To have a measure of closure and peace.

As for your brother, it sounds like he's between the devil and the deep blue sea as they say in my neck of the woods. I hope the doctors find clarity on what causing his troubles.

Take care.

To be like the rock that the waves keep crashing over. It stands unmoved and the raging of the sea falls still around it. Marcus Aurelius

I always liked that quote from the Meditations. I felt it summed up Stoicism quite well.

For me, it's always been about balance, letting the trials and tribulations of my life come to me, seeing them for what they are and letting the wave wash over me without being jostled and thrown and broken. Knowing that the essence of me (my soul, if you will) cannot be touched.

Stoicism helped inform my worldview in many ways. I hope it helps you as well.

Oh geez this suddenly cold
Snap has
Got my knee
Aching

@Soupe du jour

I’m glad you got a video phone call but sad your dad passed away.

So sorry that your father passed away @Soupe du jour. It's good that you got to see him, and he see you. It was nice that you said that he'll live on with you; I'm sure that gave him comfort in his last moments.

Thanks again for all of the condolences, friends!

I must admit that all of the grief is knocking me off balance, mood-wise. I'm trying to stay level. Been taking Ativan a lot to curb agitation and anxiety and also for sleep. Six hundred milligrams Seroquel is not quite enough right now. Where I used to have likely called my old US psychiatrist and one in Brno, during such a time, I have no desire to contact my new one. If my moods worsen, I will.

I talked to my brother this morning and his situation is looking very grim. @Aurelius710, yes he is indeed "between the devil and the deep blue sea". He's a little bit in denial about the possibility ahead. I suppose I'm glad. His current psychosis and all of the morphine they give him add to that denial. He is trying to refuse an important MRI. Truth is, it will likely show a very depressing truth. They delayed trying to give it yesterday when they learned our father was dying. The cancer may have spread to his brain, as well as being in many other places. We fear he will not make it home. My sister and I are obviously in our own type of agony, trying to be strong. What happened to my family? So many gone. We were a small enough family as it was.

We WILL finally move to our new home this Friday. Will! So I did some more packing. As usual, I'm not too far done. Hubby, on the other hand, seems to have barely started. I did all of the kitchen pantry packing, and my clothes, save three days worth. Only really the fridge and freezer stuff is left, which I'll obviously do last minute. Then there is unpacking. Blank walls, at first. Everything in boxes. Feeling strange in a new place.