Bipolar Check-in #74

Congratulations HallieBeth!

Just woke up at 7:00am. My son came through and woke me up. What kind of sorcery is this lol

@HALLIEBETH87 Congratulations!!!

Congratulations! You were brave to apply for your loan and masters program and I'm glad it worked out for you!

Thanks so much!!!! I’m terrified lol

I had quite the workout today at the gym. My trainer said that he was going to make it more challenging because he felt that I was ready for it. He wasn't kidding! It was a hard workout.

I had lots of protein after the gym so I wouldn't snack on bad food as I often do. It worked and I only had 3 chips for my snack.

I'm on 4 hours of sleep. I woke up at 2am and tried to go back to sleep until 3am when I got up and started learning something new.

I'm tired now, hopefully I'll make it to my regular bedtime and I hope it's a good sleep.

My anxiety is way up. Thinking of asking my pdoc for another med for it. That'll be 5 but I know there are others that are on more.

I'm sorry @Soupe du jour, if I didn't give you my condolences...I thought I did.

I'm sure what you said to your father gave him comfort in his last moments. I'm glad you said what was in your heart.

I hope things go as well as they can for your brother.

I *may* have a new penpal! He's a guy from one of my ZOOM support groups. He's 'super curious' about my Scrabble experience as he's played before. I was delighted to write him a long email about it. I've never had any interest before. I guess it *is* a pretty obscure hobby.

He's living out-of-town now so there's no question of us seeing each other. I'm trying not to get too excited or romantic but it is pretty hard as he is really hot and has such nice energy. I try and tell myself i am an old lady and past all that but i can't seem to reason with myself.

So, I managed to get in to get my broken tooth extracted... which was the good part. The bad part involves the dentist breaking, by my estimate, a quarter to a third of the tooth next to it in the extraction process. The kicker: the part of the tooth that he broke is on the opposite side of the one we got rid of. So, his screw up might very well mean I lose another tooth. Fantastic.

Equally "fantastic" news, I have a date scheduled to get the growth on my spine taken out. Inpatient procedure, general anesthesia and at least one night in the hospital. It's a serious enough operation that they want me in for a pre-op appointment that's supposed to take four hours, for both testing and preparation paperwork and instructions.

If it's not having all my teeth knocked out, it's removing mystery tumors from my spinal cord.

Good for you sticking with working out ! And increasing the workout ! Be damn proud of yourself.

It might be good to add another med. Maybe you won’t need it permanently.

Hope your able to get longer more consistent sleep !

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I’m so sorry another tooth was damaged. Hopefully they can fix it and you not lose it.

Good luck on your surgery

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My Therapist was out sick today I’ll see him in 2 weeks.

I have an ongoing problem with the horribly useless psych nurse. I ordered my Geodon online with Walmart and they sent a request Friday. It’s STILL pending refill from the office. Like what in the hell already!! I’m sick of her incompetence.

On happy note today I scheduled an appt with my old primary care NP. We have not had a Doctor since August when the office she worked in closed. I’m so excited to see her at this new practice that opened in town.

Hope everyone’s week is going well !

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So glad you have appt with Belinda!!! That o nurse needs to step it up!

I read this article that the Nashville shooter seemed to like the movie Juno alot and dressed up as the title character every sprit week during school. Idk. Maybe they were jealous that Elliot Page was able to transition while they werent and thats what set them off. Either way the media needs to stop focusing on the shooter being trans because its harmful to the trans and whole LGBTQ community. Being trans has nothing to do with the fact that 6 people are dead.

I'm doing ok. Kinda bored these last 3 days. I had therapy on Monday and shes helping me out with my anger. When I first told her I get angry she said "you don't seem like the type to get angry." Then I told her its mostly internal. She sent me this article with a picture of an anger iceberg and how anger is a secondary emotion. I'm supposed to look at the emotions underneath the iceberg and identify what I'm truly feeling. I've been using it a lot since Monday and its been helpful.

Food wise things have just been exhausting. My kidney doctor wants a stool sample and then possibly wants me to go to a gastro doctor for an endoscopy. But I just don't have an interest in food. Last night my mom was trying to find something for me to eat and she said "I'll fix whatever you want." She said I'm under nourished. I was too tired to eat and I knew I'd be asleep soon. And I was right.

People don't get being the opposite of a stress eater. They either think you are humble bragging or say "I wish I had that problem!."

It’s world bipolar day!

Well, we are in our new house. Actually I'm in the new house and Hubby and our work guy are making a second run to get the rest of the stuff.

So many things (though fairly little ones) are not yet done here. The workers will therefore be in and out of our house a bit more finishing them. I love my privacy, so this is disruptive. Also, our work guy/friend said he had his step-daughter come and clean, but it seems she only did enough to superficially get the worst up. Some things weren't cleaned at all, including all cabinets and drawers in the house. Or the fridge. So, I put a couple things in them. I'll be cleaning tomorrow!

The main move hauling (rental house to truck and truck to new one) was done almost entirely by the work guy and me. And in somewhat heavy rain. Hubby was in the house just shifting stuff towards the door. Stuff that was already downstairs. I think the work guy must have thought him lazy. I did! And my back hurts.

Anyway, I'm finally in my very own bed. The first thing I did was make it up.

I have no real time to be processing my grief. I fear that will hurt me in the near future.

Congratulations soupe! Finally! I bet you’re both exhausted and excited!

Sad news. I can’t find Sir. I’ve been everywhere. He usually greets me when I get up. Definitely comings running when I clank his food dish. I’ve looked everywhere, under and behind things. Even looked in his litter box as cats are comfortable there. But he’s no place. I think he went off to die. But I can’t imagine where. The only place left is the unfinished section of the basement and why? Not comfortable at all.

Thanks @~Christina.

It's sometimes really hard to stick with the gym. For example, I started using the elliptical trainer and found it really difficult. I almost stopped going to the gym because of it. But my trainer suggested some settings to use and so I tried them. It was still hard but not as difficult.

I'm still using those settings but now I can do 20 minutes on the elliptical when I could only do 5-6 before. It's not a huge difference but it's something.

I see going to the gym like mental health meds - it can take a while to see results and sometimes they're not dramatic results but enough to make a difference.

Yeah I may only need the extra med for a while, maybe until the dark, short days are over. I can't imagine what it could be though - I'll see what she thinks.

Oh no! I would be frantic. I hope you find him.

Congratulations @Soupe du jour on moving into your own place!

As for workers in your house, I can relate. We had our bathroom and bedroom redone. I didn't write about it here but it took 4 months. Having the workers in and out is a pain but they usually finish around 4 or 5 so you have the place to yourself in the evening...I hope it'll be similar for you.

As for processing your grief, you might end up going through it slowly as you live the rest of your life. So it might not come in a big wave as it often does, but might be more like the tide coming and going, a slow and steady process.

I don't think you should feel guilty for living your life and worry about the grief coming to hit you later. You said your father will live on with you and you living your life is part of that. I think he'd rather see you living your life.

Oh no, I hope you find him. You've eliminated all of the regular places so now you'll have to look more deeply. Our indoor cat disappeared for several days too, but we found him in a very odd place in the basement. He could not have been comfortable there but we just had to keep eliminating places he could hide one by one.

I hope things work out.

(My cat has since passed on)

I found him!!! He was up on a shelf in the dark unfinished part of the basement. I think he got lost and confused. He’s blind now and he was with the Christmas boxes. Oooooo poor guy. I immediately gave him some food and he ate it down.

Fantastic! I'm so glad you found him!

I had a really strange night. I slept a total of 8 hours but the way I did it was really strange.

I woke up many times, read on my phone, stared into the darkness, got up and sat at my computer, etc. I think the total elapsed time was 12 hours.

Hopefully tonight will be better.

No gym today, it's a much needed rest day. My legs are sore.

I had a big anxiety attack today. Haven't had one like this in years. There was no trigger, it just started on it's own. My heart was racing, I was sweating, and had wild thoughts. Might be connected to the odd night.