Bipolar Check-in #75

My night meds I very rarely forget because I can’t sleep if I don’t take them. Although I don’t always sleep when I do take them! But the morning ones it’s easy to forget. I have right there on the kitchen table where I make my morning chai. And still I manage to forget them!

Ooooo my back is so bad and I developed a shooting pain down my leg. I called the clinic there’s nothing they can do for me on the weekend and I don’t consider it bad enough for ER since the pain ebbs with rest. But there’s so much to do and my sister said to rest so I am, cause I just can’t do it. I barely made it up the stairs this last trip. I have a feeling it’s going to take a month to get though all the boxes at this rate. I still haven’t found my dishes! Ooo I know what would help, eating. I haven’t ate yet, I forgot. Silly me!

I think the endoscopy reminded me of my psych hospital days when I would not be doing good and acting up and stuff and getting restrained. I just had a lot of people putting all kinds of stuff on me super fast and idk. Maybe it triggered a flashback or something. Then the hard time coming out of the sedation and stuff is still bothering me. Honestly I feel like almost kinda tramatized by the procedure.

I've been distracting myself all day and doing a good job at it, but right now things are pretty rough. I'm hoping this feeling doesn't last long. Luckily I got my valium in so I'm back to 3 a day.

I'm having some thoughts now. But I don't know if there post procedure thoughts or just the fact that I haven't gotten a decent nights sleep in weeks because of this pain. Twice this week I've slept for a few hours then stayed up most of the night then went to the family room at 5:30 and turned on the TV and slept on the couch until 7:30 or 8. I'm hoping the new bed helps. Alot.

So, my parents are inconsolable at the moment. They are dealing with the death of their dog. The thing is: in addition to being a beloved family pet, Buddy the Dog was the last tangible connection they had to my grandma. She had him the first half of his life and my parents took charge of him when she passed. My dad has never really gotten over the loss of his mother, so I imagine he's taking the loss quite hard.

In a bittersweet move, it sounds like they're going to bury him close to one of his favorite trees and give him a little headstone with an inscription. I think that would be nice. There's definitely a tradition of it.

"I am in tears, while carrying you to your last resting place as much as I rejoiced when bringing you home in my own hands fifteen years ago."
-Ancient Roman Pet Epitaph (Buddy was 15 too, so, all things considered, a very good run!)

Had a great writing group today! Got lots written, and went for coffee afterwards with one of the members. Really fun! Good day. Sending everyone hugs.

Feel out of sorts lately

I’m so over this increased pain and scratching. I’m. Like. A. Dog . With. Mange. Limping. Around.

I started a new Diamond painting piece that I think will look amazing once completed. It’s a very good distraction and relaxing.

Missed out on the Sundrop festival in town today Steve wasn’t able to fall asleep until about 8am so I didn’t want to wake him up. Maybe we will make it next year.

Hope everyone’s weekend is going well

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good news my pdoc allowed me to try metformin for weight loss.
it is a diabetic medication.
I am not diabetic but this is used off brand., for weight loss. I will start it when I get home from our vacation.WE leave in the morning will be gone 12 days. We have a pet sitter to come in and feed the cats clean out litter boxes and get the mail and water my hubbys plants and feed the out door cats.
we are paying her good money to do all of these things.

all my best
bizi

I am sorry you missed the festival.

I woke up this morning exactly seven minutes before our grocery delivery arrived, at 9:53 am. My increased meds really sedate me, though are seeming to help my depression. My Seroquel IR went up 50 mg at night and Lamictal up 25 mg.

Today I finally unpacked my jewelry and put it in my nice jewelry cabinet. I also helped Hubby put up a special film window covering in our bathroom. Afterwards I made homemade strawberry dumplings with some of the strawberries we bought at a strawberry festival. We've eaten a lot of strawberries since then, still have a lot left, and even gave a good amount away, including in the form of the homemade dumplings. Even despite these things, I feel our progress in fully getting settled in our new home is painfully slow. Our motivation is so low.

Unfortunately therapy did not go well with my daughter and we had to cancel it but thankfully she hasn't mentioned any suicidal or intrusive thoughts of harming my husband or that I'm going to go crazy and kill e eryone as of late which is a good thing. She didn't like therapy, didn't want to even just talk to the therapist, and we chose not to force her.

It's just too bad it didn't work out. Her therapist was very nice.

My bed came yesterday but only the mattress, the frame is coming on Tuesday. It was a matress in a box so it came rolled up. I unrolled it and it poofed up pretty fast. But the instructions say to lay it flat for 48 hours. And since I don't have the frame anyways, I just put it on top of my old mattress and plan on sleeping on the couch until the frame gets here Tuesday.

So last night I slept on the couch and I slept better then I have in a long time. I'm not sure if my old bed sucked that much or if the couch is just that comfortable. Idk.

My moods are still down today. My mom kind of indicated she didn't want me to come on our annual lake trip this year. She said we could maybe do something in the fall with my brother. I'm just still worn out from these last few days and my weight is giving me trouble because of my stomach meds that are helping my pain.

I've stopped going for coffee and now my next step is to cut back on the amount of soda I drink.

There would be too many obstacles. COVID is over and life is returning to normal. My mental health drop-in is back open seven days a week now. I don't hope for pleasure when i go there [or do anything, really] but it does seem to give me some stimulation that seems essential to my health.

So: i will get to be an old lady!

I feel relieved. It was really weighing on my heart.

@Soupe du jour:

Your strawberry dumplings sound delicious! I didn't know there was such a thing. I so admire your cooking skill. It really is an advantage in life. At least one of my meals a day is junk. I took a cooking-for-one class and the instructor used at least 100 ingredients and 100 steps for one meal. It was so unrealistic. I've made my peace with my sub-optimal diet tho. At least i'm a light meat-eater and am getting some veggies most days and am enjoying water now. I've somehow managed to lose five pounds since Winter too. Not sure how it happened, but i'll take it!

Sorry your home doesn't feel comfortable yet. After 18 years of living here i still feel uneasy with my condo-apartment because it's so small at 450 square feet. There are many advantages tho, and i try and keep them in mind when i get cranky about it.

Congratulation with your decition!

I have struggled, somewhat, since I found information about one of my grandmothers online that disturbed me.


This day has been good and I have decided to jump into my ordinary schedule from tomorrow morning; continue with my life.

Well I’m sorta moved in. The big stuff is in but I have no food, no clothes and no dishes.
No tv
No internet

The tv needs a proper cable cord I don’t have, and I’ve no idea why I don’t have internet. The setting pulled up my apartment number and they left the password there and it shows on setting but my iPad said no connection!

Everybody sort of petered out. So lots still left at mum’s house.

I hadn’t eaten since breakfast so I came to Culver’s for two chicken tenders and a root beer float. And the internet.

Tonight is going to be a long long night. I’m going to Wally’s to see if maybe I can get the cable card there.

On top of my back issues my two middle finger s don’t want to work! They don’t hurt they just don’t want to bend. I can’t wait until I get stuff arranged

Poor Sir, he’s befuddled and constantly walking around. Not eating or drinking. Poor guy. Then I went and left him.

I had a terrible night after my good day yesterday - hand, wrist and shoulder pain kept me up until 3AM. Had to take 2 extra-strength Advil which I try not to take.


Realized it was the library setup of having my laptop on a table in front of me and typing. At home I have a proper ergonomic set up with ergo keyboard and proper position with a lower keyboard shelf, everything at the right angle.

So - I guess I will try bringing a lap desk to the library for Writing Group. And maybe wrist braces to keep my wrists from bending. I sure don't want to end up with CTS or tendonitis.

@Nammu Hope somebody can come over and help you with both the Internet connection and the TV cable. If you don't remember in what box you put your knives, forks and spoons, maybe it is an idea to buy a hiking-set (one spoon, one fork and one knife and one cup to drink from and + one plate).

I want to congratulate you with mooving into the apartment. I send a lot of hugs and love your way.



PS. Sir will adapt!

My night was not good. It took me several hours to fall asleep. I woke up now and then during the night and I overslept with 2 hours.

But still I try to adapt to my program for Mondays. I have this "I don't want to" feeling, but I try to force myself into it. It is a start

Well the cord I bought from wally’s worked so I had tv last night. And one box I was especially needful of, my meds did make it over. This morning I talked to the maintenance person and he said he’d get on it. And yeahoo I now have both tv and internet. My back is really limiting me today. I did get two boxes emptied. Silverware and kitchen utensils are in the drawers. Now at long last, 8 years after the first move I have proper knives again! Mum’s knives were all so old and dull.

I don’t know what I did to my hand it’s all swollen and discolored. My two middle finger s hurt when I extend them or try to curl them, no strength either.

Today I got the internet, switched the cable to my name so I can keep the number. Gave the office the info so I should get a phone in two weeks. It’s a pain cause my phone is special. It needs both the landline and internet to work. But once it’s hooked up is captions every word.

I did go to mum’s for my clothes that were in the dryer and a bunch of small stuff I could fit into the clothes basket. My back keeps me from doing more than that. That’s pretty much all I’m going to do for the day.

What goes up must come down.

@Samicat and @Nammu, I have a "bad" back myself. I wish all of us a better tomorrow.

This day did not turn out to what I wanted it to be. I followed my usual morning routine, bought a pre made dinner and was able to do a little de-cluttering.

My back did not allow me to do much. That knowledge makes me understand that it will take me an amount of time to make the place I am living in to be the way I want it.

I will have to "polish" my patience to be able to live well in the meantime.

I so hear you on this!

I messaged my pdoc this morning thinking my anxiety had gone all screwy and I asked him if he had any suggestions. Then we went out right after that and I couldn't eat but I got my shopping done. I felt very sick very fast. Then my mom and I figured out it was just more physical stuff if I couldn't eat but I could go into stores.

My pdoc did get back to me this afternoon and he said I'm still having a response to the endoscopy and antethesia and to give it a week. I'm glad he confirmed that and that I'm not just going off my rocker.

My Grandma got really sick from anethesia back in 2006 and ended up dying as a result. She was 85 though. My aunt almost died after a knee surgery because they gave her too much. I'm not like that worried though. Not like I'd be 4 years ago if this happened. But I've never gotten this way after going under and it is a weird feeling.

My cat Gary who hates me got into bed with me for the first time ever today. I hate it when cats are creepy like that. Especially when I don't feel right. I feel like its an omen or something. He's a black cat which doesn't help either.

Many animals, not just cats, can sense things humans can't. It's not "creepy" it just means they have a better sense of smell and hearing. His coloring has nothing to do with it. Maybe he loves you. A cat's affection is a wonderful thing and their purring has been found to soothe the human nervous system. Also it may speed healing. Maybe Gary will help you.

I'm so glad you said that. It has taken me a long time to fully unpack (also we painted) and I have still not put up many pictures. I feel like some people judge but whatever - I will do it as my mental and physical health allow.

I bought some wrist supports for typing. They seem to be helping.