Bipolar Check-in #75

Have been walking in the woods with some friends. That was good, but I still feel troubled because of "the happenings" I wrote about last week. It is not the happenings in themselves, but layer upon layer with bad happenings. It has become too much for me. Beneath my smile I am struggling to put SI thoughts away. Of course I will continue to try to stop them, but it is scary. It is like life has lost it's meaning. Please don't tell me to contact a medical center. They will send me home with some advice that perhaps will work for a short time. To try to find a psychologist that is paid by our common insurance is like to look for a needle in a haystack. It takes 3/4 of a year to get one. I cannot afford to pay someone out of my own pocket. So I have to continue this fight alone ...

I ate some of a yellow melon last night for dinner and went to lie down in my moms bed figuring she'd wake me up if I was asleep when she got home and tell me to go to my own room.

I woke up at 12:45 in a panic thinking I had slept through her trying to wake me up. I found her on the couch and told her she could go to her room and asked what happened. She said she didn't want to wake me up. She said she was glad to get to her room though.

Today my pain is pretty bad. I couldn't sleep after I went to my room. I finished my book and listened to music and it distracted me. I went to watch the news at 5:30 and I was in so much discomfort. I took a couple tylenol and a zofran and a valium and I fell asleep on the couch until 8:30 and then I felt like things were managable.

Things are for sure getting worse though with this stomach pain. I just have to hang on until Thursday morning.

Now things just suck. I've tried everything I can and I'm in a lot of pain. I've tried everything my gastro doctor prescribed. Plus my psych meds. And tylenol and Icy Hot. And I still feel like ripping out my intestines. I'm just lying down now since I can only get out of bed to use the bathroom. I've had some watermelon which normally helps my stomach.

This cold can go shut it too.

@Rosi700 @Nammu

Thanks guys for the warm encouragement and the hugs. It's just been really challenging acclimating to real life since leaving the rehab. My life isn't anything it used to be. I've had to deal with a whole lot of people in close proximity to me these days, which is something I'm definitely not used to.

I really like I can come back here and get such great support. The past two years have been so hard. I really appreciate you guys.

Anytime shadow, anytime.

Finally home from my trip. Will post details later .

Having a great time at the beach. Good bonding with daughter, sister and mom. Daughter and sister have said multiple times that mom is high maintenance. That’s something I have always politely kept to myself. Tehehe! It’s kind of funny. I think they have a new appreciation of me.

I was in the ocean yesterday and the water was so clear with dozens of sand dollars. I wasn’t coordinated enough to get them with my feet so I finally started diving down - ray bans and all. Lots of fun.

Hopefully when we get home, the water at the pool will be bearable.

Having a few health concerns. Pulmonary edema and fainting spells. Blood pressure not stable either. A bit worried. It’s been a concern at the beach. Will address aggressively when I get home. Hope things turn around. Too young for this. Ha!

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

I’m hopelessly behind here

Hugs friends

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had to take H to the urgent care today for sinus issues. He's been miserable. more details in my blog if you're interested
but yeah, basically a pretty depressing day
good thing I've had my "obsession" keeping me happy (haha I have a new celebrity crush and seeing pictures makes me happy )

I have had a good night's sleep and feel a bit better today. Will continue with the work in the home and have a trip to the grocery for healthy food.

I am a bit depressed today, mostly due to the cost of everything. Food has become very expensive here, and grocers refuse to limit price increases to the inflation rate, even as they make record profits. I was reading an article saying that Canadians are spending less on food... but only because more people are relying on food banks.

My sister in New Jersey said that smoke from Canadian wildfires has reached all the way down there, and other parts of the northeast and mid Atlantic. She says she has a headache from it. Sending wishes that anyone there (and in the part of Canada with the wildfires) gets relief from it soon. I never recall that happening in that area. I know those on the west coast know such situations well.

My brother-in-law is still in the hospital but soon to return home. My oldest sister-in-law will visit him today. She is concerned that his wife may be neglectful, or worse. She intends to try to find this out, but it isn't as easy as one may think.

Either my increased meds and/or depression continue to make me very tired. I've also gained a good amount of weight these last few months. I even removed my engagement ring for the first time in my marriage. My wedding ring was removed some years ago.

I just feel weird today. Tired and achy and I have the chills and I'm kind of anxious. I slept ok last night. But I just feel strange and not in the mood for much of anything.

I need to be at the hospital at 8AM. Thankfully its a morning procedure. I always got stuck with afternoon surgeries and procedures before. This time I will be sure to wake up before 11 to eat or drink something. Normally I stop eating at 5PM but I eat or drink something between 1-3AM. I have to stop all food and drinks and meds at midnight.

Ugh. I got too involved in my new book and now I just am a mess physically. I thought the book would be a good distraction. We have the windows open but aren't affected by the wildfires. NYC is scary though. It looks like the end of the world over there.

@Soupe du jour

The smoke is WILD! The sky is yellow-orange and the sun is blood red. They called a half day for my school district tomorrow for all staff and students. My school was full of a haze of smoke when the winds shifted around noon.

I have a headache, I’m assuming from the smoke. At least my house is closed up.

On another note, my grandma is out of the hospital and doing well. The stroke did not produce any permanent damage.

Sorry for anyone dealing with smoke... We get it here most years and it's terrible. We bought an air cleaner to use during that time. Half the time it's stupid campers setting the fires, and apparently this year some of them were deliberate arson!? It's apparently right-wing extremists trying to frame climate change activists. Like WTF? I never believed it was climate change activists because they care about the Earth obviously. It's pretty bad when factions are actually framing each other.


My latest thing to worry about - AI. There's a lot of talk about how it will eliminate many jobs in the next ten years. I'm hoping it's just fear mongering.


I was really bothered by several articles I read, but then I got this today: (Daily Stoic email):

Banks are failing. Inflation is nuts. Interest rates are the highest they’ve been in years. The stock market is flat, except in the moments that it plummets precipitously. Companies are laying people off…round after round of layoffs. When you check out at the grocery store, you can’t help but sigh at the “new normal,” at how insanely expensive everything seems to be these days.
It’s enough to make anyone’s stomach turn. To make them nervous, insecure, anxious, even terrified.
Except, of course, if you’re a Stoic.
Now this is not because many of the Stoics were so rich as to be above these things. Yes, it’s true that Seneca was one of the wealthiest men in Rome. And that Marcus inherited a fortune. Cicero came from a self-made family and then made his own fortune going from humble beginnings to compile a massive fortune as he climbed the legal profession and then into politics. But with or without this wealth, the Stoics were able to withstand economic and financial uncertainty (in fact, Seneca practiced abject poverty once a month, so he could, as he said, remind himself that this was nothing to fear.)
The reason the ancients were able to feel secure in times of insecurity, stable in moments of change, is the same reason it’s possible for you in the modern world to do it. By not focusing on the macro, by setting up systems, by rooting ones’ happiness not in material things, the wise person is able to cultivate an attitude and a lifestyle that is immune to the daily headlines as well as the temporary conditions of the market. They don’t sweat quarterly earnings reports, they aren’t trying to find the next big thing, or some get rich quick scheme–they are focused on good habits, on maximizing their gains in the areas they control, on minimizing mistakes and emotional decisions, and thinking long term. Jeff Bezos has talked about how he built Amazon around “the things that don’t change.” This is how a Stoic approaches their finances and building wealth and a career.
Forget the shiny, new thing. What is timeless? What is tried and true? What forces contribute the most to success (patience and time were Tolstoy’s answer)? This is where our effort must be directed. There is no magical solution, no silver bullet, no moment when one is simply above these things. No, it requires a shift–a transformation–in your philosophy which then must be translation into daily, daily action.
That is the way out…and through.

I live in WI. We've been affected by the wild fires too. The air quality is bad and everything is hazy. It sucks. So everyone dealing with this I feel you!

I'm right next to Toronto, Canada and it's hazy here too. The school boards cancelled recess and amateur sports teams are cancelling outdoor practice for the next several days.

My Seroquel dose keeps going up and the hangover is really getting me. It gets better by around noon but up until then I'm adding espresso to my coffee. I'm taking Seroquel XR at 250mg, and my target is between 300 and 400.

I broke down today. Just totally overwhelmed by everything and the lack of sleep. After spending the morning trying to get boxes. I came home defeated and beaten. On top of everything the toilet won’t flush. It bubbled up and refused to flush no matter how much I plunge it. That was the last straw. Had a bawl, e-mail my pdoc told him I’m totally overwhelmed and not sleeping. I’ve never emailed him before I got a little outa message that it might be up to 4 days before he gets back to me. I’m not sleeping, I’ve stuck to my schedule and I do fall asleep mostly but I wake after just a couple of hours and can’t get back to sleep. The stress is overwhelming me. I worry about finances and being on my own again.

Gotta remember that I do have family, here. Called my daughter and she came over after work and took me out for happy hour. We had Bloody Mary s and some type of fancy appetizers. Then went to marshals for retail therapy. They had the perfect Jean jacket on clearance. Just one, my size! I needed that. And a pair of dressy lightweight slacks. Then I showed her my apartment. It is tiny but very, very clean. She loved it and kinda for a moment wished she didn’t have a huge house, two kids a dog and a snake! But just for a moment. She’s turning 40 this month!

The smoke is here too but better today, than yesterday.

Awww hun don’t beat yourself up. Glad you got some time with your daughter. Retail therapy ?? Nothing wrong with that !

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So sad to see so many people having to deal with the smoke. It’s not made it’s way this far south fingers crossed it all clears up sooner rather than later for everyone.

Well we changed cell phone companies and actually get service here at home finally after literally 19 years! Anyway we can cancel HughesNet garbage internet now. Is odd to know I don’t have to drive to town to make phone calls now.

My psoriasis and PsA is still hellish . Not sure anything will ever help.

Hugs !

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@~Christina ohhh so glad to finally got the internet! Yay! Congratulations 🎊

Ah I’m so sorry to anyone having to deal with the smoke and fires. I hope you all manage to stay safe
I’m struggling this week, trying my best to make plans and do things. Im off work.

I feel like unless I do something this will be the start of another low episode.

I’ve been reading (trying to) a book called Rewild your mind. It’s very simple and easy to follow and it’s a great idea. Maybe I’ll take its advice and go for a walk in the woods tomorrow. Or maybe the beach.

I get the seroquel hangover too if I take it at night before bed. Had my pdoc appointment today and we changed the times I take it so I don't get the hangover. I take 50mg at noon, 50mg at 4pm and I'm supposed to take 100mg before bed but have been skipping that dose. But if I do take it I don't get that hangover feeling. Maybe you can change the time you take your seroquel?

Hugs, nammu.

Don't worry. Things will be okay I know they will.

@Nammu Am sending good thoughts your way!