Bipolar Check-in #75

Lazy day today. No place to be, and frankly, no gas in the car to go anywhere. And I don't get paid until tomorrow, so... I guess I'll have a day of housework and watching TV. Sounds alright to me!!

Had my weekly volunteer shift today. It went well, there were 9 cats today. I think I did a good job. 5 of the cats were a group of 5 tiny kittens together in one of the big double cages. It was hard to get them all back in. Every time I put one in another one would jump back out. Eventually I gave them a small can of wet kitten food for a treat and they all jumped back in the cage at once, so that worked. Anyway, I think I did a thorough job of cleaning all their cages and litter boxes and whatnot. I took a klonopin before I went there today. Haven’t taken one in well over a month, it has helped a lot.

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Nammu congrats on moving into your new place! I hope you and Sir adjust well

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Yes, that (to do it the way our health demands) is some kind of art. One looks to others that perhaps don't have the same problems to struggle with and feel that one is not good enough. The "art" is about being persitant and care for oneself when one has understood the three T's. Tings Take Time. The only way forward is to let it take the time it needs.

Tuesdays has become some sort of a "being with friends" day. We had a good time togheter, but it is hot here, so I feel tired (but well pleased).

I'm pretty down today. Not eating and stuff. Low energy. Just watching CNN most of the day. My stomach has been ok for the most part. I had therapy today. I decided and she agreed to go to virtual until at least August. We both think our telesessions are deeper and more productive. She thinks its sensory related. This is coming from the guy who said he would never do zoom sessions ever again during the pandemic. But therapy was productive and we got Thursday talked about a bit.

We agreed to do our sessions on Fridays now.

My new bed is fully set up. Its going to get some used to switching from a queen to a full. But I'm happy with it. I just hope I don't fall out.

Just right now I'm just really down and I just am still not 100% mentally. Gary is in the hallway staring at me.

Why can't things be like they were before.

I encouraged RS to apply for a new job today. He’s been saying for months that he is unsure his current job is secure. He works for an HOA as a mechanic and he is afraid that when his bosses retire they will just sub out the work and get rid of the community trust that he works for. It’s a valid concern as that’s what most HOAs in this area do. He’s not a big fan of change but I convinced him that all he has to do is apply for now. IF they call him he can decide to interview or not (though I will encourage him to do that). I assured him that they may not even call him so just focus on applying right now and don’t worry about it. I’m proud of him for taking that step.

There are only five school days left! Then I have off for ten days until ESY starts on July 3. it’s only four days a week from 8:45am til 1:15pm so it’ll be easy enough.

I’m having stomach pain in my upper right abdomen and today it radiated to my mid right back. It’s just in my stomach now and it’s not severe. I did call and make a dr appt for Friday but it’s pretty pointless as I’ve been to the regular dr, the GI dr, and the ER for this pain before and no one ever finds anything. Everyone assumes gallbladder but three ultrasounds have shown nothing. I know there’s like a gallbladder emptying study they can do but no one seems to care enough to make that recommendation. So idk if I’m even going to keep that appointment.

I’m really proud of myself because I started using Noom a month ago and have been changing my lifestyle. I’m walking 4-5 times a week and I’ve been able to conquer my late night bingeing habit for the most part. I haven’t lost much weight but my blood pressure is back to normal even without the propranolol and I have been able to crack a 20 minute walking mile, down from 22. Now if I can just quit vaping nicotine I’ll really be on the road to wellness.

Got the last of my stuff, now my apartment is full of boxes. Now to get all this put away and arrange things. If only my back would cooperate. I figure I can do it for 5-10 minutes before my back starts screaming. Pdoc in two weeks. Where oh where am I going to put this stuff! So little room here. And have a whole house full of stuff my daughter wants to sell! I just want to give the rest of the stuff to second chance shop. Forget trying to sell it,

…..and what to do with my art? My pottery pieces are far too big for this apartment. My sister took one piece. It looks like a Native American woven bag but it’s ceramic. I have a huge life sized head with gods hand around it and the back of the head exploded and the inside is glazed to look like the cosmos. One I’m keeping is another life sized head of a woman being dumped in a wooden bucket labeled “historically dumped” a representation of how history overlooks women. What do I do with that?

Put it up on display by putting a high shelf in a room? BTW your art sounds cool.

I'm a bit annoyed. In -laws borrowed our carpet cleaner, plus loaned them two large, full bottles of detergent - one of carpet cleaning solution and one of pet-stain remover spray.


They returned everything today (my husband received the items) and took us out for lunch to thank us. But when we got home I realized they had used almost the entire bottle of each detergent. This is bizarre to me because their apartment isn't much bigger than ours and we only used about 1/2 cup of solution for a thorough cleaning (we hadn't even used any of these bottles which were both new).


It costs about $50 to replace both bottles. My husband doesn't want to ask them for money because they paid for our lunch.


Well - lesson learned. Anyone who borrows our machine in the future can buy their own detergent.

There’s no room for a high shelf. When I say the apartment is tiny, it is. They wouldn’t accept me adding shelf’s.

Thanks. Most people think my art is too high concept.

Ooooo that would burn me too, them using that much of the shampoo and specialty cleanser. Great idea to next time having them buy their own detergent.

My work week starts up again today. Woke up around 6am (feeling well rested), so I decided to catch up on tasks and errands that I've been avoiding. There's a lot, especially for having only six hours to do them!

Obviously, it's not necessarily a bad thing to do errands or even be busy, but this does fall into a known pattern for me. Spend several days "dormant," with no energy and sometimes low mood, with a day of high energy, where I knock out three to four days of work in six hours.

I don't think this is hypomania, mania or will even develop into them, but I can never say never. I'll keep an eye out.

Omg I'm so depressed. I have full body depression. I'm finishing my novel regardless though. I don't even care if it has a depressing ending. I WILL finish it!!!! I am determined. I'm making myself go to the zoo with husband and daughter. No point in laying around the apartment by myself all day.

TRIGGER warning:

Monday afternoon I heard voices telling me to SUI, and when I closed my eyes I saw blood dripping out the corners of my vision.

I just feel.... well, WRONG! Like my reality has gone somewhat out of focus.

Boo hoo!

Since I was really tired when I went to bed yesterday, I allowed myself to sleep without the morning alarm. I became sitting too long in front of my laptop after breakfast. Didn't see the warning signs for triggers and found out that I have wasted a lot of the day. Feel tired and not motivated. But it will not help to self blame. I will empty my dishwasher, fill it again, try to eat something. Will repeat how to use my coping skills that I have written down.

To morrow there is a new day with new opportunities!

I slept in my new bed last night and it was great. Its a cooling gel memory foam and the sheets and comforter I got are also cooling. So I didn't get overheated at all. I was still up for some of the night but overall it was a much better night then normal and I woke up without any back or shoulder pain.

My moods and depression and anxiety are a lot better today. I'm hoping I'm over the bump that the procedure caused

I still mainly want ketchup chips and Coke to eat and drink. Thats a weird reaction to get but my mom says it can happen. Its better then the other side effects I guess. I've been eating protein bars too and I plan on getting some marghaetia pizzas from Walmart.

Oh, okay - no modifications. If you want to display the art, maybe a wall mount?


Do you get a storage locker? Most apartments I've lived in come with some storage in the basement. But not all.

Thanks for commenting re: the detergent. My sister-in-law also borrowed a cardigan sweater from me and forgot to return it. I really hope I get it back. Have you noticed how people who are well off (they are) just assume it's no trouble for you to replace stuff? Yes it's just a sweater but I am not swimming in clothes so that I can afford to lose something like that.

Yes I’ve found that to be true, that people who are well off don’t think about replacement cost or even taking good care of things so they last.

I went to the senior center today for the first time in a while. It was nice to be greeted by so many people. They are just acquaintances but very friendly. We shared stories of downsizing and moving. I’m glad I went. I finally got in to the aqua fitness class again. I forgot to sign up last week and by the time I did I was like number 15 on the waiting list. So I haven’t been swimming in two weeks, Monday I’m on the list but I got in on Wednesday.

Not doing well these days.

I hear ya. Neither am I.

Been an "ugh" kind of day. Had to deal with my competition spreading verifiable lies about my products. Today, it was a lie that cost me a sale. I asked them to (essentially) prove their claims and they have yet to deliver. The rep got snippy with me and pulled the old "Do your research." canard. Not really my responsibility to prove you right! Ugh.

Tomorrow: oil change in the morning and watching the new series of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds. Oh, and work at some point.

I'm so frustrated regarding the whole inheritance stuff in my life. I wish this to all be over, in a reasonable way. My horrible b-i-l dictates ridiculous stuff to my sister, who is the executrix. A long the way they've also been secretive and even lied about some stuff. I'm angry at my sister about this.

We again bought a huge basket of local strawberries. I am a little unsure what to do with them all. I love strawberries, but confess to being sick of having to hull them all. Local raspberries or blackberries will be welcome later in the season. I also love red currants, but they need to be de-stemmed.

Attached is a picture of my strawberries.

Ooo that basket of strawberries looks delicious, and in a proper basket not plastic! Ooo

Sorry about things with your sister. My sister is doing a great job with being executor. It’s just trying to get all my stuff out of the house that’s hard for me. I don’t want to do a garage sale, I just want it gone.