Bipolar Check-In #76

Sir is doing pretty good today. Eating a lot now that I got him special soup. He loves it. It’s pricy but better than throwing away so much food. Thanks for asking. I know his time is coming.

I got YouTube premium some time ago, and it's definitely worth it. It's ad free videos and music. A little pricey but if you use YouTube a lot, it makes a big difference.

It looks like my anxiety is slowly coming back. Every day it's a little more than the previous day. I'm listening to nice music and using my coping skills but it seems to be an uphill battle.

My depression is slowly getting worse again too. I notice little changes in how I'm thinking and know it's the depression distorting my thoughts.

I'm thinking it's the effect of the ketamine wearing off. I have a follow-up with the ketamine clinic in a couple of weeks. They'll tell me if it's worth me going on my own for ketamine infusions. They're pricey, around 400 a session.

To my shock I still have some family.

Today has been a good day. I have a lot of insecurities trying to pop up in regards to teaching and conversations I need to have with my boyfriend (not necessarily bad ones, but difficult ones). I feel like I worry about my students, especially my homeroom students, more this year than I have in the past. Maybe, I'm just more in tune to this emotion? They sure are fun to teach-a lot of great personalities! The grad school class I'm currently in is taking a lot of mental energy, but I am over half way done with the class so at least I'm in the final stretch! I'm hoping tomorrow will be extremely productive-I really need it to be, especially since I was only somewhat productive this evening (watching a tv show for a bit was a nice break though).

@Scooter9 I also have YouTube Music and agree that it is worth every penny.

Yesterday I almost got into a car accident. I was exiting the Starbucks drive through when someone whipped around the corner. If I hadn’t slammed on my brakes we would’ve collided for sure! Well my venti pumpkin cream cold brew went flying and got all over my purse, ipad bag and phone and mostly the passenger side floor. That’s a sticky drink! I blame the engineers who designed the cup holders- they are shallow and thin.

I have one more dose of my Klonopin wean. This is for a study that’s looking at how benzodiazepines affect the bipolar brain. It involves two MRIs. My biggest fear is not that I’ll be claustrophobic but that I’ll have to pee during the hour-long scans! We shall see how I am sans Klonopin in a few days. I’m worried that my anxiety will come back. Ha ha worried about not having Klonopin!

Well again- sorry for being MIA yet again. It’s not like I don’t have the time- between my many appointments- to read and reply. Speaking of doctors, my liver doctor sent me to a nutritionist. I had a zoom appointment with her earlier this week. It went well. However I’d just gone shopping Thursday when we had all those bad storms here in Michigan and my power is STILL out! They just keep backing up the estimated fixed times! Luckily the storms didn’t really affect my family! Except my power of course. I saw my liver doctor last week and she wants to do an MRI on my liver- on a Sunday of all times. I have fatty liver. However all my labs came back good even my A1C. I’m no longer pre-diabetic!!

Starting October first my rent is going up quite a bit. Everybody asks “Can they do that?” And when you’re on section8 they sure can!

Heading to the storage units this morning with my family to start cleaning out. I appreciate the help truly. I’d like to have started at 6 this morning when they first opened. My sister will get here about 9:30 and there is a heat advisory at noon for a dangerous heat index. I am very sensitive to heat due to my medication and still have nausea and a fierce headache from running around in it yesterday. Quite concerned. This is not my preference. I think it should wait until a cooler month. For some reason, my family is really pushing it. It makes no sense. I am pretty laid back but I’ll not go to the urgent care or hospital over it. Fingers crossed for everyone involved.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

I don't really get what the big deal is with my therapist and showers. My mom doesn't get it either. She's being really pushy about it. But I did finally take one today. I also watched non news TV like my therapist wanted me to. I felt really good until a couple hours ago. I slept about 12 hours last night. I was off for sure yesterday. I just have some stomach pain and stuff right now. Its getting better now that I'm sitting up. The rash on my leg looks better. The slightly bigger than a dime black spot on my right heel looks worse but I'm trying not to stress about it. The doctor 2 years ago said it was just a blood boil and it did eventually go away. I think my mom is kinda concerned but shes staying cool too.

Anyways overall today was the best day of the week in terms of how I felt both mentally and physically.

In a rather comical turn of events, I am now without water despite having made arrangements. My mom was willing to help me and gave me certain financial information to that effect. I entered it in, which the online payment portal rejected. Twice. I tried to call my mom back only to find out her phone died. It died before an appointment that had her dealing with the doctor for three hours (they covered every scan they could think of apparently) and only getting back to me once City Hall closed for the weekend. Comical.

Luckily, I meet with my mom tomorrow for Sunday services. Here's to a resolution!

Was thinking of skipping the art class I signed up for a month ago. But in the end I got myself to go. I’m glad I did. Walked around some, got a banana shake but only had about a third of it. Did accept a glass of wine at the class, it wasn’t bad. Didn’t finish it of course it went warm fast. The class went fast! Took two and a half hours to paint a glass vase of sunflowers 🌻 turned out ok. Not a masterpiece by any standard but passable. Glad I got out.

So pleased that my dog is tolerating her antibiotic fine. Her behavior is normal, so her booboo isn't bothering her at all. Glad she's comfortable.

I have a terrible time getting going in the morning. It's even harder without pop and today i was ready to throw in the towel on quitting by noon. But then i tried a coffee and the relief was immense! Then i had another coffee. Then i remembered why i don't drink coffee: it upsets my stomach. I'm still queasy and it's many hours later.

I suspect it was the caffeine that gave me the relief so i'm gonna try green tea tomorrow morning. But i finish the day abstinent, Day Two. I've really been trying to quit pop since July 24, so it's been over a month. Fits and starts, obstacles and experiments! If i keep struggling, i will get there!

Went to my friends funeral today. I was wise not to wear mascara as all my crying would have left me Looking ragged!

Also went to a bridal shower today.

Been a weird day today and I wish I had someone to talk to. Not a single one of my friends came to my mawmaws funeral in march.

I’m feeling very emotional tonight.

I'm kind of worried I'm going to have to go to immediate care for this rash thing on my leg. But hopefully it isnt as bad as I think it is. My mom looked at it last night and told me to just keep an eye on it. So it is a bit worrisome but maybe its not a big deal.

I've been up since midnight and I drank 2.5 glasses of peppermint mocha Starbucks iced latte but my anxiety is actually pretty decent. I wonder if its the 2 Benadryl I took last night.

I’m so tickled for you! You always do the neatest things. So happy you enjoyed yourself.

We got to the storage unit around 10 am and left about 1 when it got too hot. I purposely adopted an attitude of everything but my daughter’s personal stuff (which she wants to go through) and the antiques go (trash or donate). I donated a lot of stuff. What I wasn’t prepared for was getting emotional about the process. Where did that come from? My family and friends told me ahead of time that I would be but I didn’t see that happening. Uh…wrong. I cried on and off much of yesterday. Embarrassing really. Back to myself today.

Came home and made meatloaf, mashed potatoes and fresh asparagus for mom who isn’t feeling well at this time. Hope things improve there soon.

I had a high school friend who I hadn’t seen in years message me and ask if I wanted to be part of a small group of women she’s putting together through her church. A class that is a place to belong. Something in her message resonated with me and I’m really looking forward to it. I have been feeling disconnected and alone lately.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

I just completed one of my surveys for the longitudinal bipolar study I’ve been in for the last 15 or so years.

I had cantaloupe for brunch. I went home to check on Ariel and fed her and cleaned up after her. I took two very full and heavy trash bags out to the dumpster after cleaning out my fridge and freezer of all the dead food. It needed doing anyway - dead or not! I also did my dishes by hand. Spent some time with Ariel with the balcony door open. It was 65 degrees and gorgeous this morning!

I have to weigh in. I am new to the Forum but it's always good to share right??!! Of course. I am in a tough job search that has been going on for quite a while for me. Tuesday I hear back on a potential hire situation or not based on an interview Friday. If this doesn't work out, I am looking pretty exclusively into remote work now for reasons.

Just to spice the week up...beginning Tuesday we are paying attention to the Tropical Depression 10 which has me maybe right in the projected model paths.

This will be an interesting week

Welcome Sophia

My mom said it still didn't look that bad. I feel hungover as **** right now. I took a couple Benadryl last night and then my OCD brother woke me up at midnight. I couldn't get back to sleep and I drank a ton of Starbucks coffee. Now I'm just in my moms room trying to get back into listening to a podcast. My mom picked up lunch and I got the most hangoverish food I can think of.

I ordered a book from Amazon by a women who was a Nickledeon child star from like 2007-2012 called "I'm Glad My Mom Died." I watched some of her shows and I knew she had issues with Nickleoden. It should be an intresting read.

I am concerned about a very dangerous possible interefernce with Topamax and Metformin. Called Lactaid Acoid or something. I messaged my pdoc to see if it was still safe to tqke the Topamax.

But like, why didn't anyone tell me this could be a problem? I'm not having issues now but this could be very seriouis if I do develop this. Even deadly.

Idk. I feel weird today but I think its just lack of sleep/ bendaryl hangover/ too much coffee combo. Plus anxiety. Peppermint mocha often sets me on edge. Why is the store even selling peppermint mocha right now anyways.

The ****ing Amish just rode down my street. I'm glad my mom saw them and not me or else I really thought I'd be losing my marbles. Glad she got a pic from the back and not of their faces.

Welcome Sophia23!

Welcome @Sophia23 !!

Sound like a fun week ahead. Good luck on the job search! I hope you find one that's a great fit! Also, hope that tropical depression doesn't graduate to getting a name!

Well, met with Mom for Sunday services. We were able to make arrangements for the water to be turned back on tomorrow. The question is going to be when? My big doctor's appointment is at 12:40pm tomorrow and I'd like to be able to take a shower at least. Possibly do laundry.

Once I'm there, I've got to figure out financial arrangements for what is going to be a lot of treatment and diagnostics. Even with insurance, they're gonna add up!

What is wrong with you aurelius If you don't mind sharing again?
sorry I have not been following along in your journey toward better health.
bizi

PTEN Hamartomous Tumor Syndrome. It's a one in a million genetic mutation in a tumor suppressing gene that causes (currently) benign growths to show up in various places around my body. I've already had surgery to remove a growth in my neck and three other surgeries to remove growths in the lower part of my lower intestine.

There's no treatment other than screening. Watching and waiting until the growths become big enough and/or cancerous enough to require removal and/or treatment.

There's various cancers I'm at an elevated chance for, but it's colon cancer that I have a very real of getting in the next twenty years. I'm 33 now.

I meet with an oncologist tomorrow to set up the foundations of a team of doctors with which he will coordinate my care for this disorder. Necessary evil.

Oo Aurelius that sounds worrisome. ITs great you deal so well with that. I’m sorry you have to deal with it though.

I had another painful anxiety attack in the daytime today regarding a decision i had to make. So that makes two days in a row for anxiety attacks. I just don't do well in the daytime.

I tried green tea and really liked it. But because of the caffeine, i think i will save it to cope with pop cravings, rather than having it on a regular basis. I don't want to just change four quarters for a dollar.

I wasn't bothered by pop cravings today. I think it's because i had a couple camomile teas and that sort of diverted me. It was very welcome and i finish a third day abstinent.