Bipolar Check-In #77

SAD is kicking my tail today. I’ve been up and out and stayed busy but I feel so bad and everything seems bleak. Trying to remind myself it will pass and to keep on keeping on.

The agitation, restlesness, frustration, face scratching stuff went away as soon as I stopped the extra 50mil Prestiq. And I'm still feeling fine just from the life style changes I made. My mom picked up my uncle and went to the hospital to be with my aunt and her husband. I have no idea whats going on. I'm at the hotel with my brother. I feel ok today. I slept good last night. I got some stuff I can't find by me since we had time to go shopping this morning. In the morning tommorow. we'll do some more stuff. Basically I've been ok today.

I have not felt myself these past couple of days. Today, that fact was really driven home. My husband and I are in Florence, Italy, a vacation that shortly followed a few days in Germany. I am a bit overwhelmed, but have tried not to show it. Today we were walking down a busy cobblestone street and I felt lightheaded. I almost told Hubby, but decided not to. Then when walking from a sidewalk to the street, to cross it, I fell. I only remember a blur as that happened, but wasn't unconscious. My knee got scraped and my ankle a bit twisted. It took a couple moments to realize what happened. Hubby helped me up and a nice Italian restaurant host told me to sit at the nearby table for a bit.

Honestly, I suspect I had a focal aware seizure. I haven't shared that with Hubby, though. He just thinks I fell by accident. Just before it happened I had been feeling strange and lightheaded for between one and two minutes. In the past, I received a diagnosis of this type of seizure, but hadn't had anything like it for some years. I take anticonvulsants that clearly prevent them, but this may have been a breakthrough. I'm okay, but a bit shaken up. We still have almost five days left in Italy, before our return home.

Ooo do be careful soupe

Today the anxiety is strong. I just want to stay curled up in bed and hide away from the world, which I realize is exactly the opposite of what I should be doing, but I'm just so tired!

My pdoc ordered my meds to be bubble packed, and I can't change it because I'm still under a court commitment. I'll just be EXTRA diligent while taking my meds I guess. I'm a little pissed about this, but there's not much I can do about it. They won't have them done until Thursday or Friday they said on the phone when I called. My pdoc increased my seroquel. I'm going to run out of seroquel before Friday. I guess I'm just going to have to deal.

My aunts husband had a brain anurism. They thought it was a stroke but it wasn't. My mom and uncle were with him and my aunt for a few hours last night. Theres still no way of knowing whats going to happen. My other aunt and uncle are coming to see them today.

I did quite a bit of grocery shopping and I'm so exhausted I got right into bed without unpacking the car. I didnt sleep good last night and then theres the time change and I just don't feel too good but I'm not worried

I should probably mention to my pdoc I lowered my dose on my Prestiq.

Making the most of this public holiday. Taking my son to the beach. Will come home and my partner will do a bbq and bet on a horse.

So it looks like I have to start over for a psychiatrist and a therapist. This sucks they are going to call me back with a plan but I doubt it.

I’m moseying along.

Had a list of stuff to get but didn’t finish the list. Just did the highlights and got home to find a front parking spot available! hooray! That means tomorrow when I go to my daughters I don’t have to walk all the way down to the lot. I’m sleeping fine just affected by the early dark and not wanting to move much.

My daughter’s m I L has been having a ton of physical stuff going on. She just had spinal surgery on her neck, has more on her back scheduled for December. When they decided she needed a pacemaker. That was today, when they ran extra tests and it turns out she has Lyme disease! Oof. She’s a couple years younger than me. All those problems she’s had might all be Lyme!

I think I'm heading for a depressive episode. I missed work because I slept until noon and wasn't up for even half a day. What are they going to do? Fire me when I have one week left? I dare them. I'm going to set many an alarm clock tomorrow though for my interview. There is no way I am missing that.

I'm not tired. I've been sleeping 0-4 hours a night most nights since April and at no point have I really felt like I needed a nap though so I guess it's just my new norm.

I feel sooo sick. I tried practicing guitar but my hands just would not make chords correctly without immense pain. Even on the piano my fingers would only reach an octave apart and that's without any funky chords. I can't eat at this point. Last night my roommate tried to get me to eat a hamburger and I really tried, but I had like four bites. Today I kept trying to eat. Got an apple, ate half of it, then hear this little voice in my head say "stop eating that, you waste of space!" Even just walking into the kitchen is like "are you seriously getting more food, you needy *****?!" Couldn't even drop off my book at the library today because I felt like passing out before getting to the stairs.

But on the bright side, since I haven't been talking to anyone from my family my anger has been splendiforic.

I had to cancel my counseling appointment and plans with a friend since I have still felt under the weather for part of the day. I'm worried I'm going to have to call in tomorrow because of how I am feeling this evening. I sure hope I can go though-I don't want to use the hours, sub plans are a pain, and students having a sub for multiple days can be tough. I also have 3 meetings this week. We'll see what tomorrow holds. It seems several students got sick from the trip as well so that's to bad.

My brain feels a little bit like it does before getting hypomanic-I even noticed I was talking louder than normal with my roommate this evening despite not feeling 100%. I kind of expected this though since I was to sick to take my night meds on Friday and Saturday. Hopefully, if this is signs of my mood wanting to switch, things get back to normal quickly since I'm back to my normal med routine. If things get out of wack, at least I see my pdoc next week.

Despite being sick, I have felt extremely stable these past few days-it's been wonderful!

@iscreamparty and @June08 I hope you guys don't end up and full blown episodes and feel better soon.

Life is wonderful. Now from for my second joke…

I am spending most of my time helping my girlfriend. She is outside of the psychiatric hospital now. They did not give her medication to see her through to her mail order delivery of her medication ordered by the psychiatrist at the hospital. She says that she trusts me, and she is now seeing a future for us. This is a little late of a development, but I will see where it goes from here.

I’m thinking of going to the emergency room. I’ve had this problem of mine for a few days now. It all started when I got up from bed one morning. The bottom of the back hurts all the way around my sides. It was getting better this morning but now it’s even worse than it was the previous day. I went to urgent care where I was told that it may be a problem with my muscles related to my back. I do not think any longer this is the case. I don’t know what is going on here, but I am becoming very concerned about it. I do not want to get my girlfriend really concerned about this, but I have to send her a message saying something.

I wish all here well and happier times.

Hi to all. I am a bit tired, but OK. My PC broke and it is difficult to write from my mobile. Am sending good wishes and hopes to all!

Everything that didn't happen in the previous half hour is probably twisted in my head, and everything that isn't twisted is completely made up. I don't remember anything right. I probably don't even know where I am right now. Who am I? Am I Sam-slam like I've thought or has that person evaporated and gotten overtaken by all those voices that suddenly became quiet? They were probably never there in the first place. Just another imagination fabrication taking over my cognition mission. I don't feel like I exist.

My PC works for the moment, so we'll see if that continues or if it is just for now (my fire-wall system is trying to repair something).

To all: Send my best wishes for you!

@Sunflower123 When it comes to SAD I have experienced this: I expect it to kick in in October/November every year. This year I had decided in advance that I should start using my Sunlamp a couple of weeks before the expected break trough. It is too early to tell if it has already worked. I don't feel depressed for the moment, but am tired.

You can still start to use one if you have one available. As you already know, all the usual advises against depression is more important in the winter then in other times: To get real sunshine outside during the day, regular meals and regular go to bed and waking up times.

Hope you get your SAD under control soon. (At least so much as it is OK enough to live with).

@Soupe du jour I am sorry to hear about your problems that have returned to you. If this happens often, now, please contact a doctor.

Send good wishes for the rest of you and your husband's vacation.

@Nammu Am happy for you that you found a parking lot near you yesterday.

@MuddyBoots Sorry to hear that you have this tiredness and are not able to eat for the moment.

Good news! The biopsy results came back and everything was benign! With that, the oncologist wants a follow-up ultrasound in two years, but beyond that...

I will ask him what I should be on the lookout for if something goes awry, but in general, good news!

Hurrah! Congratulations 🎊🎉🍾🎈

My interview went well My coworker is struggling to understand why if I'm unhappy in my neighborhood why I don't just move to a different town instead of half way across the country. I love her so much, but she probably hates me now. I did apply to a few places in the Northeast, too, one even only 14 miles away. Not that I would ever come back. Nope... Okay, I've put on my smiley face, now it's time to put on some Dashboard Confessional and cry, then nap.

Really happy to hear that Aurelius! Congratulations!

I have a psychiatrist appointment at the end of this month! Hopefully able to get a therapist too. We found a bathroom chair I maybe able to use to get in and out of the shower by myself.

I had my fifth ketamine infusion today. The clinic has been increasing the dosage and now I'm just 0.05mg/kg under the maximum.

It was an intense session, lots of colors, thoughts, lights and spinning. It's such an odd feeling being outside myself and inside myself at the same time.

I'm totally relaxed during the session and I'm not scared because I know I'm safe. Despite that, I had to focus on my breathing a number of times to stay calm and relaxed.

Three more sessions to go. Hopefully I see some positive effects from all this.

I'm still a little dizzy but that should pass within several more hours.

@Aurelius710 Wonderful!!!!

I tried to go back to work today but that was an epic fail...During passing time (30 minutes into the school day at most), I suddenly felt like I was going to pass out so had to stop where I was walking and squat down...thankfully, barely any students saw this part. But, my body wouldn't let me walk on my own accord very far at this point, so I had to be wheeled down the elevator (past coworkers and a large group of students) out to my car where one coworker drove me home in my car and the school nurse followed to take this coworker home...I felt like such a kid...I have a video appointment with a nurse practitioner tomorrow afternoon. I couldn't get into my pcp and didn't want to schedule an in person appointment if I still feel faint so can't drive tomorrow. The down side is they can't run any tests on my while I'm there.

A student emailed me with a question and ended it with a "get well soon" message so that was really sweet.