Bipolar Check-In #77

I think I effed up my kidney function. I have chronic kidney disease from Lithium and during the summer when I had all that stomach pain I was taking a lot of Advil and Aleve since it worked so well. I looked at my online chart and my creatine shot up 10 points in a year. I see my endocronolgist on Friday and I'm gonna have to be honest with him.

I'm really ready to go back to work now. I checked out several places but they are only seasonal. I'm thinking of like a 4AM-9AM job. I don't know if its the increase in prestiq or if I've just had enough of doing nothing.

I slept through Halloween but I woke up when my sister and brother in law brought the kids over in their costumes. Of course my bil came over sick with a fever. I have no clue why he does that. But I'm trying not to worry about it.

Sunflower123 I'm sorry hoping for a speedy recovery and feeling better soon.

I feel so bad for Victoria. She spent all day getting ready and stressing. Got a real prom dress and everything. Not 1 tricker treater. She's sitting in her room playing video games all dressed up. By the time I said f it let's go to the brewery their Halloween was over. Next year I guess. I got an omelette today took my first bite got a mouth full of sausage 🤢. I've only ate chicken for the past 30+ years. I was not happy.

Sunflower I’m so sorry you were hurt Hope you will recover quickly

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wtf. It's 30dF, snowing, I'm really friggin sick, I passed the drug tests, I've been going to all my appointments, other than when she flipped out at me first (I did kinda knock a chair over yesterday**), I've been controlling myself, but I still gotta go today. I tried asking my one fking sober friend if I could stay at his house, but he blew me off. My case manager couldn't get me into a crisis or respite center right away so I guess I'm searching for a non-****** shelter where nobody hates me which is going to be extremely ****ing difficult.

**I am such a screw up, and idk how to fix that.
My mistakes: 1) Getting sick and needing meds. 2) Getting further sick, driving to the hospital, but getting a ride home, and leaving my car there. 3) Asking my mom to pick up my meds on her way home because I don't have a car and allowing her to agree to that. 4) Only reminding her to pick them up once and allowing her to forget throughout her workday, making her come all the way home first 5) The pharmacy didn't have them ready, so she had to wait, so I pissed her off. 6) Being "General ****-Up" like my dad.

Speaking of my dad... I know a place where there are such low standards I'll be accepted
edit: nah screw that I'm actually trying to get better and I remember what it's like there

I am so procrastinating. All my stuff is packed except like four things, but I'm trying to delay leaving as much as possible.

We don’t hate you here. And your getting sick is not a valid reason for other people hating you. They might, but it’s a them issue, not about you, but them.

So I bought two more down alternative blankets for $55. H says we just have to do laundry to get our winter blankets back but I think they're ruined. Besides we need blankets for guests. He doesn't know I got 2. One for each of us. I'm not willing to spend a ton on heat this year. Currently I'm wrapped up in his blanket and still cold. He'll be happy when he needs it. If not maybe I can stuff 2 in a cover and have a really thick blanket. I don't think he thinks of this stuff unless he's freezing.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you're improving a little everyday! You're sticking with it despite the problems you're having, good for you, @MuddyBoots!

I had my ketamine infusion today. It was intense but nice at the same time.

One thing the ketamine is doing is making me physically weaker. I went to the gym about 5 days after my last infusion and had a really hard time with exercises I'm usually able to finish. I couldn't even do 15 min on the elliptical.

I came home and did some things around the house, which is good. I have had a really hard time these past several years motivating myself to do things around the house.

The next infusion is on Friday

I slept really good last night. I woke up a couple of times to use the bathroom. It took me a good 5 minutes one time because of this kidney stuff. After I got up I was straining so hard my smart watch said my stress level was high.

I went out to a couple grocery stores. I got coffee which I gave up and it made me cranky and kind of depressed and pretty frustrated. Stuff I hadn't been feeling in awhile.

Anyways, I'm feeling better now. My aunts husband is doing really well. He is talking ok and taking a couple steps and is starting to be able to use his hands again. Thankfully the very worst of it is over even though he still has a long way to go.

Had an emergency appointment with my pdoc today. He was NOT happy with me. He said, "I've been very patient with you..." He made me feel awfully guilty, but we got my meds changed. He wants to keep me on 50mg of loxapine, increase my seroquel dose to 200mg, and take me off propranolol.

Oh, and I'm going to be switching pharmacies soon. Can't handle my current one, and they keep on flucking up my bubble pack (like this month they gave me double my Lamictal dose) so I don't trust them. Called and told them I didn't want my meds bubble packed anymore. I know when to take my meds anyways.

What Nammu said.

My brother in law came over yesterday with a fever and then today tested positive for covid. He got the booster. My mom and brother and I aren't boosteed and my mom is saying its not a big deal and we won't get it. Ugh.

Sending good thoughts to everyone who is going through really tough times at the moment. Wish I could do more than just send good thoughts and hope that doesn't sound empty (like a politician after a mass shooting). I really mean it and I feel genuine empathy when I read everyone's posts in this thread. I'm so sorry for the pain that is expressed by many. Wishing everyone better times!

I am all over the place mentally and emotionally, but mostly down, and mostly angry My moods are extremely unstable at the moment and I swear I am having a paradoxical reaction to Lithium. What is Lithium first and foremost?? It's an anti-manic, right? Well, not for me it isn't. Since I don't have Bipolar 1, this isn't a major problem, but it is a problem, and it's also very strange. When I first started Lithium 3 months ago, I found the almost immediate surge of energy I experienced really pleasant and very welcome because I had been really depressed. That surge didn't last long - maybe 2 weeks - and then things evened out. My first dosage increase went smoothly. I've just increased again, but not by much (I'm titrating up super, super slowly - my choice). But I really notice an increase in my agitation with this increase. And also my anger. I mean, that is honestly one of the main reasons I started taking Lithium to begin with. My hypomania often manifests with extreme irritability and outbursts of rage. It's embarrassing and I feel awful about myself afterwards (even worse than usual). Anyhow, the rage and anger and extreme irritability are back. And tomorrow my Mum arrives and I've already been a bit pissy with her on the phone, which is very poor behavior on my part given that she is flying over 5.5 thousand miles to come and visit me at aged 84.

I feel really stressed about this trip, even though I really want to see my Mum and I'm really grateful she is coming (since I can't go there). Mostly I think the stress comes from the fact that I had really hoped to be in a much better place by now. I started Lithium 3 months ago and I'm disappointed that I'm still very unstable and still dealing with a lot of agitated depression and anxiety. I've been doing a lot of cleaning and tidying around the house the last few days but it's been very difficult for me to focus on and complete single tasks. Instead I've been running around like a headless chicken from one thing to another. It's feels like when hypomania and ADHD collide: lots of energy, no focus.

I don't want to mess around with the doses of my psych meds while my Mum is here so I'm just going to stay where I'm at, or possibly even reduce the Lithium again. I take an SSRI too. I will add Ativan if I have to, but we'll see. I so wanted Lithium to be my "gamechanger", but it really isn't so far.

Trying not to dwell too much on what any of this means because I really want to focus on my Mum. That's another negative thing I find about mental illness: it makes me become incredibly self-absorbed. Like, everything is about me and my illness. It's always a shock to the system when my Mum comes to stay because she likes to do things and that means I have to behave more like a normal person. That has become increasingly difficult over the years. I like to go on long hikes every day with our dogs and that's pretty much it. My Mum isn't able to do long hikes anymore (obviously, she's in her 80s!) so I'm already stressing about how I'm going to get our dogs' exercise needs met and take my Mum on daily outings. And somehow magically reinvent my sleep schedule so that I get up before midday and go to sleep before daybreak. Man, there's nothing like having someone come and stay with you to throw into sharp relief just how dysfunctional your life has become

@Sunflower123

I have logged in now (after being absent for a while) and found this post from another member:


"Goodness, @Sunflower123 , that’s awful and I’m glad you’re both ok aside from the broken arm. I hope things get better for you soon".

If your arm is broken, I hope it will heal well. Take good care of your physical- as well as psychological health!

Am praying for you!

@MuddyBoots

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu We don’t hate you here. And your getting sick is not a valid reason for other people hating you. They might, but it’s a them issue, not about you, but them.

Agree with that!

Hi to all! I felt fine, but the two last days I felt like "a nobody", sitting there as if I was a body without life.

It is not a new "thing". I do hold my breath when it becomes too much for me (as if I wish to hide).

I tried to "come out from the hiding place", but wasn't able. After a while I understood that this too can be cured by CBT. I can even remember the first time it happened. I was in kindergarten age. So I know what is and why, but I have not found the right tools to work with it, yet. But now I will ...

This morning I have used time on rewriting my weekly planner, making sure that I have time enough to work with "the holding breath" problem. Since I already use a planner, there is a frame around my life, that have space for the most important "things" like sleep, meals, physical activity, relaxation and so on ...

I can now move on, knowing that I will be able to take care of the mentioned problem as time goes. May be I will have to work back and forth with that problem, but my experience is that when I am aware and ready I usually find ways to cope. So I am on my way ...

Am sending good thoughts to everyone here!

I'm feeling a little mixed today. Maybe not mixed episode, mixed -- but emotionally. After long consideration and feeling like a burden I cashed in my 3.7 year pension. It was sizeable for what it was. My mom found out and literally talked to me like I was a dog, how stupid I was and how I've " ruined everything" with my medicaid and trying to get disability. It really hurt because I got the money to HELP OUT, she acted as if having any part of it would be bad... so, I got impulsive and I splurged. I'm not blaming her for my splurgin-- but she definitely coaxed me. I gave her a minor chunk of it in cash and bought her a new ipad (the money was payment for taking care of me these years and the ipad was a gift). I bought a new watch, airpods, paid back some friends, and " invested" into my everyday activities -- subscription video games, paying my phone bill out for a year, etc.

then.. I got a little slap happy. My computer was over 10 years old and frankenstein'd to even work. It was relatively fast but just old and not the best. So, I bought a new one. A really nice gaming one. I got a good deal but it's far from "cheap". I bought new FHD screens to go with it. All in all, I have " upgraded" all parts of my life and I feel like I've paid back my debt to people who have really helped me.

I don't wanna use numbers so I will use percentages -- after all my spending I'm left with about 1/5 of the payment. I don't feel personally bad for spending it -- none of it is " frivolous" in the long run. I live on a computer and this will last me 10-15 years for sure. Well worth it's price (and the added bonus of being able to run just about anything). I paid off people I owed, I paid my bills, and I treated myself. However I feel like my mother will judge every purchase I make, and in my head I keep thinking I did something wrong. I mean, she thinks I was wrong to cash in my pension when IT WAS HER IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE AND SHE NAGGED ME UNTIL SHE SAW WHAT I HAD, (below $15k),

My friends kind of make me feel bad, because my original plan was to try to use to get away, and restart my life.. but it wouldn't have worked well, and mom pushed me into a corner and made me feel awful. My whole intent isn't to jumpstart or try to force something that isn't ready to happen on myself ( like move out without being able to secure a job), but to not feel so much like a burden and be able to put something back into the world rather than always taking.

This may sound like a weird request-- but if you respond to my message-- please be kind. I'm very sensitive about the topic. My good friend was " disappointed" I bought a computer with some of the money, instead of .. what exactly? I don't know. Another made comments about me buying somethign for myself too. I'm not asking for justification on what I bought-- I took care of the things I needed to first, and then splurged on me which in turn is an investment into my quality of life. What I really need is to feel secure in my own decisions but I can't do it with everyone in my head telling me I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I was stupid to cash the check, I was stupid to use the money, I was stupid for existing.. It doesn't matter-- I'm just stupid in the end for whatever I do. That's how it really feels.

In other news, I got into a fight with my friend over politics. I begged him 3-4 times and asserted I didn't want to talk about it and it ended up with him acting a little belligerant (laughing at me for being a little heated with his pompous attitude). I firmly told him I would continue talking to him but I wasn't going to continue that conversation and he was going to understand that.

He didn't care for that, he has a hard time accepting "no" when it's something he wants. " Just watch this one video", "It's not long.." "I promise it wont be bad, just do it", " Look I have it pulled up", "Just see it." (that's the kind of guy he is).

He came at me with this "I'm not gonna let you talk to me like that" nonsense, because I told him and warned him repeatedly I wasn't about to continue down that road on politics. I ended up emotionally reacting to him because he started laughing at me and said something about my " emotionalness".

I told him to get over himself and hung up the call.

What makes it so hard, is I know it was an overreaction and he feels justified and "right". But we usually can talk about most things without issue -- but I warned him I wasn't in a place to do it multiple times so he brought it on both of us.

I don't know if it will blow over -- he's kinda like me, we may go years not talking again. I wouldn't like that, especially over this.. but I will see what happens I guess.



That, plus my mother's " You're not acting right and doing foolish things like cashing that check. Are you taking your meds? You need to see your therapist." . -- its just a slap in the face to be talked to that way because I don't like to be controlled by another person, and she wants to control everything. -- I'm so tired of having to constantly fight for my own independent thoughts.

You're not wrong for wanting a better quality of life and using your resources for that. A good gaming computer especially a desktop can last a very long time and can be upgraded even after it's outdated. My h has a subscription to humble bundle that we will never give up. Non Computer people tend not to understand what a good long-term investment a good computer can be. Same with a phone. I'm 5 generations behind and it still great. My laptop is about 5 years old and still runs well. My daughters laptop is 8 years old and works great it's a thick laptop and heavy but still great. So be gentle with yourself.

I've got a really bad headache today...it's on and off. I think it's from the ketamine. It gets worse if I do something even a little strenuous.

I was up early, so I decided to run a bunch of errands in the morning. It's pretty unusual for me to get out and go early in the morning...that could also be the ketamine.

The next infusion is tomorrow

Had a good day with my daughter. She had great news about my grandson. He has a form of autism but it affects his physical body and his ability to read. He’s now almost caught up to his grade level and next year he gets to go to middle school with his friends. He has lots of friends and is very social. He can mostly control the hand flapping and does it at home or if he is severely stressed. So that was great news. I really hope that middle school goes ok for him, it’s the most stressful and meanest of the different levels. Because everybody has individual schedules in middle schools it will be less noticeable that his English class will be smaller and more specific. His other classes will be regular classes. He very smart just struggles with English and writing and physical education. His memory is fantastic.

We only watched 2 episodes of stranger things today then took turns playing favorite music for each other. I’m so thankful she doesn’t like rap. But all those 90’s musics! Oy!

I was doing rough this morning and afternoon but now I feel better. I finally got in the shower and it was frustrating but I did it. I slept good last night but I woke up every couple hours to use the bathroom. I got back to sleep each time though. My niece didn't come over because of my b.i.l getting covid. But everyone else seems to be fine.

My mom talked to my aunts husband last night. His voice is raspy since he still can't swallow, but he is talking.

Hello everybody!

My girlfriend came back from the psych hospital a couple days ago. she had gone through a huge ordeal. She went through ECT 18 times. Imagine that! It was court ordered. They only tried one combination of medications before doing this. I just do not know how this can happen! I am very disturbed by this. She is confused and missing memory. Well, we are now back together and trying to figure out how to pick up them pieces together. I have been struggling with depression. I have been slowly climbing up out of it.,

My aunts husband just had another bleed between the brain. The surgeon is on his way to do surgery asap

He was doing so well...

So lots going through my head. I might be hypomanic because I'm thinking about going back to college, the bugs are back, I'm figity, and irritated. I'm thinking about homeschooling 75% of the degree ( The most you can transfer in then finishing that last little bit in one semester instead of 2. it'll still take 4 years to get but it'll cost significantly less. I would go after a computer science degree. That way I can do small projects, from home for just what I need. Which is around 8k by next year but make around 63k a year for what I want. What I want is simple a 2bed/2 bath condo with walk in shower and my service dog. That's it. I'm too old to be playing this rental game where I have to find a smaller and smaller place as I age and my household gets smaller. I want a place I'm comfortable in if something we're to happen to h. I don't want to have to rely on Victoria not because she won't but it's unfair to her. So I'm back to thinking about school and how to make it work. I'm hoping h does it too. Because 32k part time is a lot easier to make. If Victoria wants to too that'd will be just 21k each. That's definitely doable part time as a programmer. So we have to figure it out. See who does what. But now we have an income goal as well as a savings goal.

Why does that guy keep following me around in my cave. It's creepy. Ugh. What a sad life he must have. So much hate.