Bipolar Check-In #77

Ugh, I have to go back to the orthopedic dr, this time for my left wrist. I had carpal tunnel surgery last year on my right hand, and now my left wrist is super painful. My hand is stiff and my fingers are tingly at times. It feels better when I wear my brace. I don’t know if it’s carpal tunnel again, it’s not the same pain or tingling. Maybe it’s tendinitis. In any case, I’ll have to make an appointment. I’m taking CR for his follow up tomorrow so I’ll make an appointment while I’m there.

The kids were WILD today. We all had a case of the Mondays I guess. Very LOUD. There’s one student who screams at the top of his lungs when he’s asked to do work or when he doesn’t get what he wants. He’s nonverbal so he really has no other way of communicating displeasure but it’s wearing. By the end of the day I often go home and sit in silence for awhile, no TV or music or anything. I’m hoping when he learns how to use his augmented communication device he’ll scream less because he’ll be able to talk to us through the device and tell us what he needs. He’s very smart, I know he’ll pick up the device quickly. The other students were just whiny and crying over food and other things. One girl spit her water all over, another took a bite out of a styrofoam cookie, it was just madness. I’m glad I’m taking off tomorrow for CR’s appointments.

It’s my two year wedding anniversary today. RS and I have been together for almost five years. I really lucked out with finding him.

My friend from Ohio is coming to see me tomorrow! We are going to a pizza place 45 minutes away. It sounds like they have good food, from reading their website.

I’m a little less than half way into my new book. It’s very interesting!

Been not sleeping off and on. Some nights I’m fine and some nights I’m up all night. It’s 1:30 as I type this. I’m supposed to have an eight o’clock appointment a the hospital but if I don’t sleep tonight I’m not going. This has been happening a lot more lately. I took a Klonopin to hopefully put me to sleep. That study that wanted me off benzos can go f itself. They haven’t gotten back to me about the next interview in abut two weeks! WTH?

Happy two year wedding anniversary! About your wrist. Hope you get an appointment soon!

Good morning! (It is morning here).

I slept well, but woke up sad with catastrophe thinking and feelings. The last "thing" I did before bed time yesterday, was signing myself up for a study. I need purpose in my life. (All these "things" with my mother are past and the last I need now are old topics popping up again).

Grown up "children" of parents are to live their own lives and are not to carry their parents burdens. One can be friends of course (mutual respect) and there are times when one has to be more close than usual; as an example when they are sick. (In my family we have regular contact, not too often or not too seldom. We are all different in beliefs and interests, but we have learned to adapt to rules of not going too deep in conversations that can trigger our differnces. We are lucky in that way).

I read about CBT while I ate my breakfast, and I feel better now. I will use a journal to write about my goals and how to prioritize them and I will think about how to give myself a better self image.

May you all have a so good day as possible!

I’m tapering off Klonopin. I went from 4 mg. per day to 1 mg. I saw a documentary once talking about two really difficult things to come off with strong, unpleasant withdrawals. One was alcohol and the other benzodiazepines. Boy, I believe it. Both are also dangerous to go cold turkey from high amounts. I’ve tried that in the past. I’d love to be completely off that stuff. Wicked.

I’m heading off to the Smoky mountains after I take mom to the doctor this morning. I need some relaxation and reflection time. Mom’s dementia is becoming more pronounced and she is becoming aggressive. Looking forward to being in nature and seeing the leaves change color. Also looking forward to hiking to waterfalls, the fireplace and the hot tub. I just really need to get away.

My nephew is in the military and he was sent some time ago to the Middle East. From what we can gather, he was already too close to the conflict for our comfort and has been moved even closer. What can you do though? Prayer really. He was able to call my sister and brother in law Saturday during the Tennessee vs. Texas game and they all saw the game together as they face timed. That was nice.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day and a peaceful week.

I think I've gotten a bad case of SAD this year. All I've been doing lately is sleeping. I've been sitting in front of my light therapy lamp but it doesn't seem to be helping.

Sending safety vibes to your nephew.

Sorry about your mum’s dementia getting worse. That’s gotta be hard.

Have my pdoc appointment this morning, in 20 minutes. I expect it to go well. Except for sleep and anxiety over the state of the world I’m doing fine now. Sleep is a life long struggle and the worlds problems I have no influence over. The best I can do is not 2atch the news. I expect he will make my next appointment for 3-4 months out as I’m doing well.

I wish you a plesant stay in the nature. I find it relaxing to be in nature myself!

May be you should try physical activity in day light (outside) as well. It is hard to start, but when the first times are overcome , it becomes more easy. If it feels very hard, may be you can start with 5 minutes. I did that once and then added 2 minutes a day until I reached 30 minytes a day.


Have read that physical activity is the best "anti-depressant" one can use without cost.


I wish you well!

This day has been very strange so far. I have "worked" and "worked" and "worked" with making plans; total plans including how much work, study, rest, sleep, healthy food to consume ... And not to forget some sort of social contacts every week. I have been too much alone after the moving.

I hope the plan will work! May be I needed the set back two days ago to be able to move on? For now I am on my way to eat at a restaurant and after that buy some books and of course I need groceries as well.

Good thoughts to all!

I got gas! I’ve been avoiding getting gas for weeks (I ask RS to do it) because of anxiety but today I realized I wasn’t going to get to all the appointments without filling up and I did it. I have no idea why I am suddenly anxious about the gas pump, but thankfully I pushed myself and I’ll be good for awhile.

I’m going to attempt to quit nicotine again when this nicotine vape pod runs out. I made it a week last time and caved after a stressful day but hopefully I can push through this time. Now I know what to expect and can plan accordingly. I had increased irritability and anxiety, and an increased appetite. So I’m going to stock my house with healthy snacks. I’ve been trying to conquer my emotional eating habit too, that’s how I gained so much weight last year. I’ve gotten much better.

I’d like to clean my house today. I definitely need to clean my car, lots of trash from the road trip. It’s actually rather nice out, a bit chilly for me but the sun warms it up.

Yep, pdoc appointment went well. He’s not at all concerned about the ambien and my age. He says there’s trade off and for bipolar sleep is necessary. The need for good sleep outweighs the going of certain meds just because of age. Also because I have no side effects and haven’t been falling, we can continue. My next appointment is January.

He is slightly concerned with my blanks. I don’t know what to call it. But I’ll be playing cards when suddenly I don’t know what I’m doing any more. The cards look alien. Yesterday it happened when I was playing bingo, she was calling the number but I couldn’t comprehend it, or what I needed to do. All the numbers were jumbled. Then today coming back home I just kept driving down the road, past my exit. It’s scary.

@Rosi700

Thank you. I will try some exercise. It's just hard for me to get out of bed.

Happy heavenly birthday to my dad today. I’ve been teary all morning.

I had another good day. I'm tired now and in bed. I am still worried about what my PT has in store for me next. I am trying not to focus on it and I am trying to ignore stuff and just chalk it up to the depression. And focus on the stuff I've been doing to improve it. But today was good.

I'm glad my diet is going well. I do not believe in weight loss surgery. That surgery is scary. So many people can die from it and the risk for complications is huge. Plus I don't think they allow people with mental health issues to get it done.

I've been pissing like a racehorse all day even though I've just had a bottle of water since 9AM. I'm hoping its just the iced teas I drank this morning. Or nerves. I'm terrified of internal PT. Like nightmare scared. I don't get these people who want something to be wrong with them. Its like they have a fetish for medical devices or something. Sick.

I managed to get a B on my huge key assignment paper!

Congratulations @HALLIEBETH87!

@Exoskeleton Thank you for sharing a little about your experience taking lithium. I'm on 900 mg of lithium-I get blood drawn in the morning to see where my levels are at. I seem to have had another mood shift (hopefully, for the better) so I'm curious if I will have a similar experience as you for awhile. Hopefully, lithium will be the med that our brains finally react well to and it helps to keep us stable for a long time!

@Rosi700 Thanks for the tip :-)

@wildflowerchild25 happy anniversary!

I ended up taking Monday off and reaching out to my counselor. She didn't have any openings but I see her later this week so that's not the end of the world. Taking the day off was definitely the right choice though. I'm going to wait to see how things are going tomorrow before deciding if I want to ask my pdoc about getting a note so I wouldn't have to go on the overnight trip coming up.

All in all, today was a good day back to work. My students gave me some good laughs.

Have a good night everyone!

I have had a good night's sleep, but feel a bit groggy because I took some benzos yesterday.

I think I am on the right path again. I am sorry I answered my mother, but so is life, we do not always function at our best.

I have read the news together with my breakfast and have done my physical exercises afterward. I have even used time on my studies. Will have a meal before I go out to do an errand and then go to buy something to my printer. I need groceries as well.

I will study more later in the day. I will take a good look at my schedule to see if it is manageable or if I need to change some of the time-frames.

I feel confident about that this day will turn out well!

@wildflowerchild25 Am happy to hear that you were able to fill gas!

@Nammu Glad you are allowed to use Ambien. Sleep is very important.

@Mountaindewed Good to hear that you had a good day yesterday!

@HALLIEBETH87 Congratulation with the B!

To all:

I got about 4.5 hours of sleep last night. From 9-1:30. Then the painter was here all day. I took a couple hours nap this afternoon. I deep cleaned my room and got my laundry done.

I don't feel very good right now, but it could just be from all the dust and stuff from the work the painter was doing. I doubt I caught anything on my trip.

I'm hoping i can get back to reading novels for pleasure again. I couldn't for 27 years. I certainly have the time. I read constantly until my divorce, then everything fell apart for a few years and when i got sorted out again, i couldn't read novels for pleasure anymore as they seemed too unpleasant.

I made it all the way thru a John Grisham already this week. I find his style very wooden but his plots are good. I'm trying "Running with Scissors" now. It seems more colorful and interesting. I tried a Don DeLillo but it was too opaque.

My bipolar is still steady on mild depression. I don't have much energy and sleep a lot. I got a few things done today. Getting my meds yesterday was a fiasco but i'll spare you the details. I'm still enjoying the outdoors with my dog. She is happy and healthy. I've had very little anxiety for which i am grateful.

Hugs all around!

So... I got the results for my thyroid and kidney ultrasounds this morning. My kidneys? A-OK it seems. My thyroid? There's some concerns.

The radiologist found four nodules on my thyroid Monday. Three of those have a 10-30% chance of being malignant. That's... not great. Certainly a statistically significant chance of cancer. Fantastic.

I already know what the doctor is going to do next: thyroid biopsies. For the uninitiated, you basically get sewing needles jammed into your neck for the doc to jiggle around and get some nodule material to test.

I really hope it's not cancer! Though, even if it's not, I still have four thyroid nodules that'll need addressing.