Bipolar Check-In #77

I had my ketamine infusion this morning. They finally increased the dose to where I finished at the other ketamine place during this past summer.

It was intense, but the music I had playing during the session helped. It was a strange feeling as if outside myself but still aware of my breathing. A strange duality.

My next infusion is on Tuesday

My aunts husband had to have another piece of his skull removed. He is now intubated. His vitals are stable. Its my aunts birthday today too. My mom and brother and I had planned on going there anyways on Sunday. I asked my mom if we should go early and she said no that theres nothing we can do. So I'm just doing my normal Friday stuff.

My kidney issues I think are getting worse. It took me an hour to be able to use the bathroom this morning and my stomach is huge despite me not eating much, lately, and my skin is dry and I am so itchy especially in my eyes. Idk.

Update: latest news as of now. It doesn't look like hes gonna make it.

My Mum is here and I am a nervous wreck. Tried really hard not to take an Ativan because I am strict with myself about saving them for emergencies. And even though severe anxiety and panic attacks feel like an emergency, they really aren't. I don't want to lower the bar even lower than it already is where I start needing Ativan just to do the most basic daily things. Isn't that what my other psych meds are for?

Clearly Lithium is not "the one" for me. My anxiety is literally through the roof again. My moods are unstable and my depression is worsening again. On top of that I'm agitated, irritable and angry. Why am I taking a drug that could potentially wreck my kidneys and thyroid if it's not even helping my mental illness? It makes no sense. While my Mum is here I will keep taking Lithium and my other med, but longer term there will have to be another change.

While I was at the airport yesterday waiting for my Mum, I was struck by how alienated I felt from all the passengers getting off their flights and the folks meeting them. Flights from Sydney and New Delhi and Ho Chi Min City had landed at the same time as my Mum's flight from London. Hundreds of people coming through Arrivals greeting loved ones like it was all no big deal. No big deal to have been sitting on a plane for 12 + hours (more hours than that if you're coming from Sydney or Delhi). Going off with friends and family members to do all the normal things people do when they travel. These are things that feel so completely out of my reach. I can't even imagine being able to do them anymore. Even just driving to the frickin' airport was a big deal for me. This also reminded me why I don't go out much. It's painful to be reminded of how much I can't do!

Ok, time to end my pity party. There's a fine line between wanting to be honest about how I'm feeling and wallowing in the "poor me" mindset. My therapist often asks me why I'm so much more interested in the problem than in the solution. And she definitely has a point. It's like I have a kind of morbid fascination with my mental illness. I also don't believe there is a solution to it, but there are management strategies I could focus on.

To manage your anxiety, try to wash you face in water that's as cold as you can get it. The cold water triggers a philological response that helps dial down the intensity from a10/10 to something lower like 7/10, which can be a big help.

You might also consider something a little more intense: ice in a zip lock bag. When you hold the ice on your face you get that same philological response but it's stronger and can really help a lot.

I can relate to what you're saying about not being able to do seemingly normal things. I've been out of work for a year now and find going out is not easy, too.

Hang in there - it might take a few tries to get the right med combo. It's good that you're continuing to take your lithium for now. Just make sure you get enough to drink each day.

Thank you so much @Scooter9. I really appreciate this!

Hi, everyone!

I don't exactly "feel bipolar," and with that, I have not accepted my diagnosis yet, but a place to check in would be nice and you seem friendly, not to mention the BPD check in thread is dead. I am doing well, although I'm not exactly excited that I have to go into work later on a Saturday. It's my last Saturday there though. I have a Teams interview to work as a behavioral health worker in Minnesota coming up!

Ugh! I really want to wean all the way off my loxapine, but don't want to piss my husband off and try my pdoc's patience even more. My seroquel abuse was out of control yesterday! Took 400mg when I'm now only allotted 200mg, but my anxiety was so bad. I had to try SOMETHING.

@Exoskeleton

I feel your pain as far as anxiety goes and making it difficult to do basic things. I struggle with that too.

I'm switching pharmacies. I can't handle my current pharmacy because they're assholes and their hours suck, and they've been giving me double my Lamictal dose all month. I'm not getting them bubble packed anymore. I don't trust those flucks. I'm going back to bottles. And there's no reason why I should have to wait until the day I need my meds in order to pick them up, even if I am on diazepam! So they can kiss my fat ***. Fluck them!

I'm switching to CVS. There's one right down the street that is open 24/7 and I'm NOT getting my meds bubble packed. I know when I'm supposed to take them anyway.

Hydroxyzine is useless for my anxiety, so I'm just going to ask my pdoc to take me off it.

I'm missing my propranolol though. My heart thuds in my chest now! It really sucks, but my pdoc wanted me off it, and I'm not going to call and ask to be put back on it. Don't want to piss him off!

I think I'm going to ask if I can go all the way off loxapine though. Really can't tolerate it. NOT happy with seroquel being my main antipsychotic now however. I even told my pdoc I abuse it and he didn't seem to think it was a big deal.

What a night! I had disturbing dreams along with more regular dreams. I was very restless.

I got up at 430am, stayed awake for a few hours, then slept again with more disturbing dreams.

It looks like this is a side effect of the ketamine. That and my headache.

Hopefully things settle down throughout the day today. The pain from the headache is down about 50%, so that's good news.

I did find a solution to my problem. I have decided that I need to slow down and comfort myself, really see my own vulnarbillity. So far that has worked well.

Thank you for the well wishes. It’s very appreciated.

I’m doing pretty good. My med provider put me on Zoloft and I started to work on a project as best I could with one arm. Both have really helped my mood.

They checked out mom’s car and estimated $4,000 worth of damage. Thank goodness for insurance. We’re getting a rental for her today.

Looking forward to the party Monday where we’ll have catered barbecue and do some line dancing.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Should your mum be driving? Maybe this is a message that she should give up her car. You did say she was getting dementia didn’t you? My mum gave up her car when I came to stay with her.

I have been eating terribly this week and I’ve only exercised twice. Like I just feel like eating crap even when I’m not hungry. I’m going to pull it together next week. I got lots of fruit at the grocery store and I’m going to work on only eating while I’m hungry. I’d really like to change my relationship with food. Maybe I need to take the Noom course again. It really helped. It’s not even about losing weight though that would be nice. I just don’t want to hate myself for eating junk food and compare myself to skinny people all the time. I think writing will help, and positive affirmations are helpful too.

I’m feeling good otherwise. I’m going to cancel my ECT appt for Friday. Push it out another 2-3 weeks. Being back on the lexapro is helpful. That was dumb to go off. I just really wanted to reduce my medication but I have to realize I have a serious illness and there’s no shame in needing medication for it. With my current mix of meds I can work full time and carry on a fulfilling life outside of work. It’s worth it. It is what it is.

November is going to be busy. Next weekend we’re going out for CR’s birthday for his first of four birthday dinners lol. Had to split up the family because there’s just no room in our house to have everyone over at the same time, plus all the tension and drama between some family members is not worth it. Next weekend we also have a “chili cook off” for RS’s parents’ housewarming party. Then the following weekend we’re celebrating my SIL’s birthday, then going to the arcade for CR’s birthday, then dinner with my mom for CR’s birthday. THEN it’s thanksgiving, then my brother wants to get together for a second mini thanksgiving and again, CR’s birthday. Whew!

This weekend is really my only chance to “chill”. I have to take down all the Halloween decorations though. And do all the chores I didn’t do during the week. And we’re going up to my grandma’s to help her out with a couple of winterizing things. My goodness.

Not much to report. Everybody is busy today. N3 is going to a holiday party with his girlfriend’s family. N1 is working. And I’m not sure what N2 is up to. C is off at a party that he made Velveeta fudge for. He swears you can’t taste the cheese and says it’s extremely rich. He’s saving me a couple pieces so I can see how it tastes. He’s coming to see me a week from today. That’ll be 3 weeks since last time I saw him. Not bad! Usually we go six months to a year between visits! We’re going to have lots of fun! We’re going to a place that sells good steaks apparently - I’ve never been there. Well my friend is here. I dunno if he has time to sit and talk. Hopefully!

@Sunflower123
Good to hear that you are OK with your broken arm, that your mother is coping and that the car will be fixed.

@wildflowerchild25
I wish you well with your "eating program" and good luck with the coming ok!

@Moose72
Hope he remembers to bring some cheese back to you.

@Moose72
Hope he remembers to bring some cheese back to you.

My aunts husband is doing terrible. Now my aunt is sounding depressed. My uncle is going over to the hospital to sit with her. We will be there tommorow and my mom plans on going over to the hospital too.

November is such a cursed month. I lost my grandma November 9th 2006, a friend November 2010, my dad November 2014, this aunts husband lost his mom also on November 9th 2021. November is the worst.

I think I finally found a way of eating that actually works for me. Where I'm not restricting. And not eating a ton of junk. And not eating foods that upset my stomach. So far its worked out well.

Checked my voicemail finally. Been a few days. Saw a message from the hospital regarding test results. Long story short, the blood tests came back. Whatever is going on with my thyroid is not autoimmune, so that's a plus! Just waiting on the actual biopsies now. If they're negative, I've got a two year follow-up. If they're positive... to the oncologist I go!

Here's hoping for the former!

Thursday was so bad at work. Woke up on Friday and was getting ready to go to work but because of anxiety I kept having to go to the bloody toilet which would make work difficult so I didn’t go in. By the time I saw my gp at 10:00am I had been 7x.

Tomorrow is a curriculum planning day so no students. Tuesday is a public holiday. Wednesday is another planning day so I don’t see that class until Thursday week but I’m so nervous I’m gonna wake up with gastro from anxiety again on Thursday morning.

My friend and I are starting a band!!! I'm at his house right now waiting for him to get up. My keys are already good, but I've been working on my guitar skills so I can help out there too. I'm turning some of my poetry into songs. We suck right now (more on my shittiness later), but we're working as hard as we can. We might need a better vocalist too lmao we're both, uh, "below average" in that department. This is pretty much all I've been working on.

Not gonna lie, I'm jealous because every damn night here we are--both of us falling asleep around 11pm, me waking up at 1am, him sleeping like a lifeless mofo until 9am snoring like a bear with 24/7 access to a stocked meat locker. Life ain't (a) fair. It's an amusement park with height restrictions

I'm still sick af. I'm officially underweight. My playing could be so much better if I wasn't constantly having muscle cramps and weakness. I had a potassium drip and I know I need more, but it's like why don't I just eat some ****ing fruit or potatoes or beans or something? BP-wise I've never been better thanks to Abilify/Lamictal and BPD wise I've been okay. Crying at every little thing but nbd.

Ooo muddy I’m happy for you. Good luck.

Anxiety wise I'm doing a bit better today. If I'm going to be stuck on seroquel I'm asking if I can go on the seroquel XR.

@MuddyBoots

It's cool you're starting a band! I hope you have fun with it. It sucks you're getting so little sleep though. Are you tired?

You are absolutely right. It was a sobering experience. My sister and I have determined that when the car is repaired I will drive it and sell my older one. She won’t have the keys again. It’s too dangerous.

What a whirlwind it has been since I was last able to check in! Last weekend, the irritability was a little out of control. Then, I spent some long days at the beginning of the week making last minute preparations for the overnight work commitment I had. While gone, my brain wasn't working properly-I kept forgetting announcements I wanted to make as kids transitioned to different activities throughout the day. I don't know if this was the stress of the trip, the way interactions with a coworker were negatively impacting my mental health, or a side effect of my lithium or risperidone increases (I don't actually know if this is a side effect of either med though). Then, within hours of getting home from the trip, I got sick-I'm still recovering from being sick. I took Monday off to have a nice 3 day weekend to rest after the trip but am spending it sick instead...I actually couldn't take my night meds two nights in a row because of being sick but, thankfully, no negative consequences have happened. It's kind of weird-I have felt more stable being sick, despite missing med doses, than I have in ages. The plus side is the kids had a blast on the trip! It's always so cool to accompany them as participate in the different activities.