Bipolar Check-In #77

Found out I have to take Lovenox shots
After surgery and it’s freaking me out.

I’m feeling crappy. Work is crap. Had a rough week teaching some rough classes. Got a gp Telehealth consult in 2 hours. They make me nervous. I’ve never met him in person because we moved over an hour away from my old practice.

In other news I’ve been a member here on these forums for 10 years now. Wow. Even got a 10 year badge to prove it!

I’m having such a tough time. I work hard doing the right things to manage this illness and still find it difficult to go on at times. Like today.

I have grief recovery class today. I hope that helps some.

Mom asked me to drive her to and pick her up from church. That’s a good sign.

My daughter isn’t speaking to me again. She just can’t seem to forgive me for being mentally ill while I was raising her. I don’t know what else to do at this point. It’s very painful.

Something I was really hoping to happen didn’t work out. I’m just not in a good place right now.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day

I have to share my news (I am sharing it with anyone who will listen, really!)

A review I wrote of a local mental health service highlighting it's weaknesses and staff attitude actually got published. Not only that, but the rating for the service is currently requires improvement

This is brilliant!

Also, I put up some Christmas lights today, some blue ones over my computer. They look beautiful

@Sunflower123

I'm sorry ro hear about your daughter. That really sucks. Hopefully she'll forgive you for something completely out of your control.

Hugs.

My aunt called and wants my mom to write the obit. My mom suggested me and my brother not go to the funneral and I agreed. Most of my cousins won't be there and it will be very crowded at the wake. My aunt also wants to spend the next day with just her siblings. I hope my dumb therapist gets this and understands it was an entire family decision and doesn't try to push me to go and I am fine with it and understand it

Today I'm still pretty tired. I feel better after drinking a Mountain Dew though. I'm almost done with one load of laundry. I have to do another.

Sending much love to all

------
"Do you ever stop??"
No, S. No.




Honestly, between a...7 month ? long (and going strong) hypo/manic/mixed episode, ptsd, and adhd, do you expect me to stop?

I think I gave myself a hernia. Doing stuff my PT told me not to do. I already had a hernia. Not sure which side though. But my GI doc said it wasn't a big deal. Now it hurts and I've taken tylenol so I'll see if it works. I actually see him tommorow. But hopefully it goes away in a bit.

I feel so frustrated

This person I know literally can't accept the fact that she's not perfect. (Far from it), and always lays the blame with someone else

I am so fed up of her

This past Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I my physical health was improving so much that I felt confident I was going to be able to get back to work this week. Then, yesterday I started feeling worse again...I tried to go to Mass in the evening but only made it 15 minutes before I felt like I needed to leave because I was starting to not feel well. I had gone back and forth about whether or not I should call my pdoc about this and finally called the after hours number last night. He told me to stop taking my lithium until he could see me and then got me in this morning. He spent two back to back 20 minute appointment slots to try and figure out what might be going on. After going over the tests that were run when I got an IV on Wednesday, and hearing about my symptoms for over a week now, he thinks it is probably lithium causing this so we're going to wait out it leaving my system (could take 4 days) and then see what happens. I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up over the fact that I didn't call sooner, especially since I've used up most of my sick days. I only have 1.5 days left so if I can't get back in I'm going to start losing pay...

Since my mood improved a lot with this med change, once the immediate release lithium gets out of my system, his plan is to have me try taking the extend release lithium to see how that goes. He wants me to start that sooner rather than later, if this lithium getting out of my system makes me feel better, to try to prevent major mood changes. The thought of doing this terrifies me because of the immediate release not sitting well with my body but my psychiatrist and I agree that we're running out of treatment options...he's even sent me for a second opinion already. I go back to see my pdoc Thursday so we'll see how things are going then.

I really hope I can get back to work tomorrow. I'm still really weak, but if I can not pass out I can make that work. I can't really afford to lose pay over this, especially because of the medical bills I gained needing and IV and tests. But, more importantly, this is having a huge impact on my students, especially since my school isn't putting a consistent sub in my room...

Oh, and my mom is showing her true colors right now...

Thank you all for a safe place to share this stuff.

I had my follow up with my GI doc today. According to the small bowel scan they did I was born with most of my bowels on my right side. So those super bad right side pains I get are legit. And my doc says this pain comes and goes. Which is why I feel like my right side is going to explode but then the next day I feel better. So he is sending a refferal over to general surgery so I can discuss things. I may need surgery or I may not. My GI docs concern is that this pain will contiune to come back. But yeah. Not in my head or just anxiety or a med side effect. But an actual diagnosis that makes sense was given.

In other news, my aunts husband was taken off life support about an hour ago and given pain and anxiety meds. So now we just are waiting for him to pass.

Did you have blood clots or is this preventative? I’ve been on blood thinners since 2005 because I’ve had blood clots in my lungs twice.

It’s preventing them.

****. I’m so depressed again for no reason at all. I started feeling off last night. Dissociative. Like I didn’t belong in this world and RS was unfamiliar to me. I BARELY made it through work and really only did because I couldn’t come up with a believable excuse to leave. I don’t know what to blame this time around. It’s only been two weeks since my last ECT treatment and I’ve been taking the lexapro again for three weeks.

I am so over it. Even when I’m well I don’t really want to live. I’m just slogging through until the big sleep. I’m mad at myself for having a kid bc I could have done it by now but I could never do that to CR. So there’s nothing to do except get through it. And I’m tired. I’m tired of this monster coming after me every few months or weeks or days. Lamictal keeps the mania away so I don’t even get the fun parts. I haven’t been hypo for years. But the depression, oh the depression likes to hang around.

I feel like this is my fault, what if I’m just driving myself to this state? I mean I’m definitely not helping myself right now. I don’t see the point, honestly. I’ll never beat it. I don’t even care. All I can do is hope I don’t wake up.

But the worst part is tomorrow I could be perfectly fine. I don’t know where my day is going to land until I wake up and I’m TIRED of it.

I’ll probably call my pdoc tomorrow. Maybe he can do something. And maybe I’ll be honest with my therapist about my constant dysphoria regarding this thing called life. Maybe there’s some CBT or DBT things I can do.

I hope your Pdoc and therapist can help!

I had a follow up appointment with my doctor this morning. My asthma has improved but she thinks my intense chest pressure I had last night after I took my steroid is acid indigestion stating that it wouldn’t have stopped if it were heart related. We’ll see if it happens again tonight after my next dose. My blood pressure was up when it’s been great for at least the last 6 months. My dr said it’s the steroids. She listened to my heart and lungs and decided they are normal and in fact my lungs have improved from two weeks ago.

My friend who came to see me this past Saturday is finally going back to work tomorrow after being off since July for medical reasons. He’s excited because he has medical bills to pay off and needs the money.

So, I nearly had a nervous breakdown this weekend thinking my parents were in the process of being robbed while I was on the phone with them. Money, scams, extortion, guns being waved around, that sort of thing.

Basic background: My mother got a phone call from a scammer claiming to be Publishers Clearing House about to deliver a prize. In her case, it was supposed to be a new car. She already knew it was a scam, but decided to let it play out. See how long it took them to demand money. I told her to be careful as they already had her correct name, address and telephone number.

I call my mom before work and I hear yelling in the background, mentions of a gun and a lot of "Why I Oughta!" type talk. I'm putting two and two together, remembering the scammers having my parents' address, expecting them to try and demand money and knowing my dad has a revolver in the house (For "surprise visitors" at "odd hours," he says.)

Like I said, I'm thinking they're being robbed with me on the phone. I do the appropriate thing and call the police while I rush over. Turns out, someone (*cough* Dad *cough*) can't seem to give an appropriate and proportional response to anything ever.

They were fine. What happened was that they called back asking for money and my mother told them to get lost. My dad decided to overreact saying in great detail what he wanted to do to them and I was only hearing bits and pieces.

I didn't get the full picture until after work that night. I made sure my parents were OK, gave my statement and details to the police and stepped aside. Needless to say, my blood pressure didn't drop after finding out that news. The cause just shifted from anxiety to anger.

So... yeah.

I felt
Overwhelmed
By panic most
Of
The day

That must’ve been exhausting.

It was and I’m headed to bed!!

I really flubbed my sleeping schedule. Thanks Depression, I slept through my follow up interview, and now it's nearly 2 in the morning and I'm up. How am I supposed to function? They give me the best feeling of my life on Sertraline and say that's the issue? Not this?

I want to rip out whatever is on my right side. It hurts so badly and I'm crazy nauseated. I've chowed down 4 Dramamine, taken 2 tylenol, and I have a lidacaine patch on. My mom is going to be gone this weekend and I don't want to worry her because I know going to the funeral is very important to her and everyone else. I'm waiting to hear back from the surgeon. They should call today to set up a consult. I really just like want to sleep all day or something.

I did not go to work today and I have not gotten out of bed yet and it’s noon. Still in a foul mood. I’m not sure if I’m going to tell RS I didn’t go. Probably not, I don’t want him to be upset with me.

I’m going to try and do some thought reframing today. I’m going to try to reframe and say that yes I do get depressed but I’m not always depressed and I won’t be in this state forever. I’m not quite in that frame of mind yet, still focusing on the negative. I’ll try. Depression is a *****.

The roller coaster of highs and lows every day is so exhausting. And then waking up in the morning feeling like I have been wasting my life and I need to get everything together is even more exhausting. Thankfully I have today off and I'm just going to channel that into trying to clean and be productive because I have been a mess and haven't done anything like that in the past month. My mom is still being so supportive and trying to help me which I am really thankful for but none of my friends get it and having to completely change my lifestyle is so scary even though it's for the better and it feels even more sad that I am struggling to be ok with that but also I can't keep living my life like this :/

I had my 7th ketamine infusion this morning.

The clinic boosted the dose again because the effect of the last infusion wore off after a couple of days.

I'm feeling alright I guess, a little less anxious - probably a 7 out of 10. Depression is unchanged so far, but it's only been a couple of hours.