Bipolar Check-In #77

Quality time with the family watching the footy Grand Final

I finally got my haircut. It was almost past my ears and I got a short fade high top and a short beard trim too. I'm happy with it. The hairstylist knew how to cut mens hair.

PT went well too. We worked in a single room for about 20 minutes. She had me do leg excercises on one of those big balls. Then she had me try arching my back like a cat but I had a tough time with it. But she didn't get mad she was super patient. We went to the PT room after that and she showed me how to do the cat thing and then she had me do more excercises on the ball and this time she did them with me so I'd get it right.

It was a pretty productive day and my moods and anxiety were good. The food stuff is weird again though.

I heard the news guy say "theres a higher chance of a goverment shutdown than Willie Nelson on a tour in Amsterdam."

Another night of about 2 hours of sleep... Garmin app says my "body battery" is/should be 5% (as low as it goes) but I feel energized. I scratched a second degree burn I had on my wrist so the blister got torn off so it'll probably get infected now. Awesome. My mom had a pretty good stash of alcohol going in the house, but I just realized this morning I completely depleted it. Whoops. Hope she doesn't notice. That might be worth getting kicked out of the house over (although I do have other places to go, they're just not ideal. Then again, here isn't ideal so whaddayagonnado?). Actually kinda hoping I get kicked out of the house. I'd live a minimalistic lifestyle. I know a guy who lives in his truck, and he's super happy. He goes wherever the fk he wants, watches Netflix on his laptop to pass the time when he's not hunting or fishing, and he's got a gf down in Leominster if he needs a place to warm up for those days it's like -40. I read this book about a boy who grew up with his grandfather in the Northeast Kingdom (VT) before it was somewhat civilized, and they travelled to Newfoundland together via canoe and snowshoe and, boy, was that a trip!

I'm going to make an attempt to stay away from the liquor store/beer+wine aisle today? I so badly wish my coffee had some Baileys in it though. Would make the day (and my physical condition) mas bueno. But like. I can see I'm heading down a bad road again. But I don't really care? But I know I should. And I know other people do and I'm only like 90% careless of other people's feelings.

Having a really tough time right now. I had a pretty bad fight with my daughter and I’m uninvited to the wedding at this time. That hurts. I’m trying to rally but I’m really down about it.

On top of that this COVID is most unpleasant.

I’m going to pick myself up and keep moving forward. That’s the only way.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening

I am not feeling well. Something has its grip on me. I am messed up. I am disassociating from the world around me. The world whirls around me in a blur. The big band music is soaked up by my brain. Wondering what my friends are up to. My right hand vibrates so that I’m having a hard time typing. Drinking coffee further twists my mind. Still the big band music rattles on bopping and sweeping across my dendrites. I wish I had a hug but I don’t think I could physically accept one- too much stimulation. Swirling. I am out. Life is but an image upon a plane. Something has its grip on me.

I went to the NAMI walk this morning. It was great fun!

It was a beautiful day to drive. It’s 50 minutes to my sisters and then they drove downtown. The service was outside standing only. I can’t handle standing to too long. My back is really weak. The minute the service was over I went to sit in the car. But it was a beautiful service. The minister knew my uncle well so could and did scatter funny little bits here and there.

After that we went to a restaurant for a celebration of life gathering. Chatted with my cousins. Then it was time for the drive home.

I think we had record heat today. Hard to believe tomorrow is October.

I still wish I knew how to get rid of dark circles under my eyes. Nothing to do with iron or lack of sleep. Sick of looking tired when I’m not.

I’m still feeling lousy but managed to keep my breakfast down. Big improvement. Now if only I could get rid of this terrible headache. It’s ironic that I was getting the COVID booster when I already had it. I informed everyone I was in contact with. Of the vaccines and boosters I’ve received, I got COVID arm with this one. Red, warm, itchy, painful rash. Normal as I understand it.

I’m going to try to get some sunshine today and start moving around. I’m supposed to follow up with my PCP tomorrow.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Well...after dating for about six and a half months, my boyfriend broke up with me today. He said the main reason is because of the different risks that come with having bipolar disorder and being pregnant. He also said he is concerned the symptoms of bipolar disorder might impact my ability to take care of any kids we might have.

Isn't it bad enough that this disorder has to destroy me from within (mental torment, stealing my appetite and motivation, etc.). Now, it has to destroy my relationships too...

@June08 I'm so sorry about your break-up. This is such an overwhelming disorder.

@June08:

I'm so sorry about the break-up. Kids were the thing that my ex-husband divorced me over too. At least you know now, after a 6.5-month relationship and not like me, after an eight-year relationship. You can look for someone more suitable. After my ex-husband divorced me at 29 my hair turned grey and i gained 100 pounds and no man would look at me except bums. At least you didn't waste your whole life on someone who was not going to stay with you.

You don’t want a bum like that for a husband. A marriage is for batter or worse not just the easy part. It’s really not you or bipolar, it’s him and his shortcomings.

My Coke Zero drinking has gotten out of control and today there were consequences so i'm making another try at quitting. Why do i think it will be different this time? Because i have caffeine pills. I can't drink coffee or tea. I'm five hours abstinent.

I got a few things done today. I took a shower, did laundry, and ordered groceries. I spent quality time petting my dog. It's her birthday month. On the 9th she will be eleven!

Well I
Bought my first Christmas gift
Today.
This year I’m buying less

Well, it's the beginning of the month, in both the work and the calendar sense, and my boss was true to her word. My shift schedule for the coming month has me back at full hours! Not a moment too soon too! It'll be nice to have a bit of flexibility back as far as bill paying (and living) goes.

I was, through a generous tip from one of my customers, able to see a movie at the movie theater without breaking the bank. I saw "The Creator", a film I can best describe as having a "Full Metal Jacket-esque" plot with a "Blade Runner" aesthetic. Excellent film all around! I can't recommend it enough!

Next few days will be laying low until payday and the start of a new week with proper hours!

Caffeine pills have really helped me (and iced green tea, but you said you don't drink tea). I take 200 - 400mg in the morning and I'm good for the day. I understand your coke zero struggle. I have the same struggle! Caved and had two yesterday. Zero today however. We can do this!

I am sorry!

Agree with that!

This is a strange morning. I am freezing. I had to leave the kitchen and am now in the living room tucked into a blanket. I try to chose between letting myself rest more or go for a walk. In my dally planner the word "Walk" is written.

And there is something else. 250 gr coffee costs almost 5 dollars. I bought cheap coffee and it tasted terrible.

I have to pull myself together and go for that walk. These walks have a positive impact on both my physical and psychological health. And even if it costs, I am going to buy another type of coffee. I will write a grocery list and then go for the walk and visit the grocery store at my way home.

I am sorry to hear this!

When you're in withdrawal and the guy at the liquor store asks if everything's alright and you get all defensive... oops.
And it's not like I can even really drink because the pharmacy has me by my metaphorical balls. I'm supposed to pick up my meds today, but because they were changed LAST ****ING TUESDAY they have to contact my nurse, and idk when I have to drop everything and go out and pick 'em up.

Took an Ativan for the withdrawals

My gf isn't answering any of my calls, texts, or fb messages. I'm feeling super triggered right now and

So tired still. Yesterday was a rough day teaching. Students were not great. Doesn’t help my mood at all. Just going through the motions. My class today is somewhat better so I should have more luck. It won’t be so bad, fortunately.

Just ordered this cake for my son’s 5th birthday

I'm doing pretty good. My PT has pretty much gotten rid of my pain. That and getting off the metfotmin and stopping coffee and eating more bland foods. I saw my pain doctor this morning and she was happy that PT was going well and I didn't need any pain shots. She said she's on my list of providers if I ever do need her for anything. My mom and I went out for a bit afterwards and we got lunch and I didn't have much of an issue. I didn't sleep good last night again so I'm kinda tired right now. I do wonder what the internal part of PT will look like. Its got me a little bit worried to be honest.