Bipolar Check-In #77

I can’t understand why I’m living pay check to pay check. Actually I’m just buying a lot of stuff. Grrrrr. Next pay cycle I’m going to make a conservative effort to cut down so I can save for Christmas. 2 of my kids have their birthdays in December too so it’s a rough month. Plus we are hosting Christmas at ours this year so there’s that.

Yes, I've thought about the book. I'll get it when my SSI comes back.

My dad called me early this morning saying stuff like he's a psychopath and the only reason he hasn't murdered anyone is because of all the weed he smokes and he can tell I'm just like him and the only reason he hasn't killed himself is also because of drugs and then he went on a rant about the whole family is bipolar and how his sister/my aunt has tried all the meds and nothing worked so that's why she's an alcoholic too. That's real helpful...

Second time I heard from him since last Christmas, and he's saying the same type of stuff as the other time.

I got more than 4 hours of sleep for the third time since I got out of residential on the 11th (all broken and filled with night terrors of course, but still at least I feel more rested/calm/resilient than I normally do).

My pdoc appointment yesterday went well. She's great. The appointment lasted like an hour and it went past the CMHC's closing time. She wants me to think about why I don't like getting close to people. I was 100% honest with her and even though I told her about the things I did and how I went against my CD by stopping meds and doing drugs, she didn't lock me up or anything, just kinda counseled me.

I woke up feeling really sick today. Too much chips and dip last night or one too many Klonopin. I did have trouble waking up. I usually wake about 6 and was struggling at 9 to wake up. I guess no bible study today. I’ve had two friends tell me this morning to please be more careful. Warning will be heeded. I feel really unwell. Head and stomach.

I’ve let so many things fall through the cracks that I don’t think I’ll ever catch up. When I’m feeling bad it’s not doable and when I’m feeling good I’m catching up with people and trying to make memories. I’ll have to figure something out. A compromise.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Glad your pdoc appointment went well. That’s really unfortunate about your dad. Sounds like you take it in stride. That’s good.

Yeah, I just kinda assume every time he calls he's so messed up he doesn't know what he's saying. I want to say he does have some form/traits of ASPD but he's been on some form of substance since he was like 12 so it's not like anyone can say.

@MuddyBoots

Am happy for you that your pdoc apt went well. Your father should be ashamed of himself telling you such stuff!

I think I’ve got a deep connection with a friend of mine. Been building since 3 months ago. Been friends for 19 years. He’s married. Period. Unhappily but married nonetheless . Been talking every day almost. I’m setting myself up for disappointment. I dream about him at least once a week.

Ugh I’m
Sick with anxiety and I know it’s stress
Plus seeing
**** plus somehow
Forgetting to add my Celexa to my pillbox all week


I always screw up
And I have to take a 500
Question paych test due Friday and they JusT gave it to me
Today!

We got Little Cesars last night and it was a mistake. I've felt sick since 8 last night. I made it to a few stores this morning. I had therapy this afternoon and I really talked to her about my concerns and worries. It went well. I'm not hungry at all today and I've only had 10 saltine crackers and 3 sodas and an iced tea. I threw up a bit of the last soda. My therapist wasn't really happy at the 10 saltine crackers. But, whatever. Today is my nieces 1st birthday. My mom got a text with a picture of her looking mad wearing a party hat. I got her a stuffed Elmo.

Flying internationally tomorrow morning, 2am Uber, 5am flight to a location south, same time zone. I've to my sort of nervousness, been going in and out of excitability and mild stupors through the afternoon. I am kind of nervous. And although my girlfriend has noticed some changes as well, I'm afraid that she doesn't know how severe things can get. I'm figuratively hoping to god that this trip doesn't land me somewhere, a "vacation" covered by insurance with stick socks and daily vital checks.

On the flip side... This should be a lot better than working, and after the travel is over hoping it's far less stressful. Just not sure what to expect and hoping my significant other is able to support if new versions of me are revealed. I'm usually the one calming her when anxious. I need her to be here for me this time.

But I might be overthinking. Technically I don't think I'm manic, just "excitable" for now. Just trying to think this through, thanks for reading

Second night in a row- migraine. Meds aren’t helping -of course! I have to be up for a zoom meeting at ten. I don’t think I can make it. Better email them now.

Edit: I took Tylenol out of desperation. The insistent pain was making me so anxious that I felt like I was suffocating! Come to find out pain can make you anxious! So I took a prn Klonopin. So now that both of those have kicked in, I feel better! No migraine or anxiety!

Fell asleep twice this afternoon. Very unusual for me but I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo for weeks with sleep even with 5mg melatonin - which does nothing for me! I was really hopeful with the melatonin but now I feel so despondent. Pdoc reckons I’ll sleep when I go back to work next week. I don’t know why since it’s the cause of my anxiety. Maybe he just thinks it will wear me out enough. I’m just so constantly tired and over being tired. Got a GP Telehealth appointment at 6:00pm and I can barely keep my eyes open……..

The stomach bug and the Little Cesars are out of my system and I'm feeling pretty good physically for once. I got to the grocery store and gas station to get some of the Mountain Dew they are getting rid of. Then I came home so my niece could take a nap. I finally got the garage cleaned up. We went out again and brought back chinese food. My niece likes fried rice. She also likes dumping her plate of bananas on the floor and throwing scrambled eggs at the wall...

I feel some mild depression today, but as long as my stomach is under control then I'm ok. I'm not sure what I'm depressed about so it could just be rumblings of SAD.

I'm out of cans of unsalted tomatoes and creamed corn. Who the **** eats that stuff anyways. Its gotta be sensory foods as my therapist would say.

Feeling pretty good, pretty loose. I made a fun play in Scrabble, AGOG, which i know from the lyrics of "Les Miserables" and i burst out into song. It felt good to sing. My dog came out to see what all the fuss was about! I haven't sang that song in over ten years. I saw the musical when i was twenty, during my Summer in London. I was very emotional because my boyfriend had just broken up with me and it was quite an experience. I've seen "Les" since, but it's not the same, it was just the timing, that first time.

My hair's long enough to go back into a tiny ponytail! I hate hair on my neck but i hate getting a haircut too. It's not flattering but i've been such a hermit lately it hardly matters.

Hugs and cookies to all!

Been a busy few days. I thought Wednesday was Tuesday. So was waiting for my noon meal which didn’t come. Dah! Hurried up and got dressed headed for the senior center for lunch and was able to join the second half of 500 as they had a table of three open. Then as BB isn’t on Wednesday anymore I joined the poker games that night. Did fairly well, came out even I’d say.

Today after my lunch came I had my covid shot, then the afternoon movie, a mystery. Death on the Nile. Very good but I had to leave before the end for my art class. It was watercolor which I’m not very good at, but I do try. It’s fun anyhow.

The last of my grandsons gifts came. Including a pair of Bob Ross socks. He watches Bob Ross at night to get to sleep. So I thought they’d be a fun little extra in his bag. He has a type of autism and Bob Ross is very soothing.

Well my friend isn’t responding to me. I messaged him but no response. Damn hypomania!

I made a mistake and didn't request a refill of my Prozac, so now I have run out of it.

My pdoc won't be in until Tuesday. I'm going to see if the pharmacy will give me 5 days of doses.

I'm still anxious and depressed.

My anxiety is mostly manageable, so I can cope but it goes up and down throughout the day so it's never off my mind because I have to actively manage it.

I started feeling bad Wednesday but I’m not very accepting of physical illness so I powered through. Felt worse yesterday but pushed on to get my COVID booster. I felt horrible yesterday afternoon and went to the doctor late yesterday. COVID. I feel foolish now. I also feel lousy. Hopefully on my feet soon.

I slept for 16-18 hours. Best thing really.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day

Been getting the whirlwind of tests and specialist visits my oncologist ordered set up. The office decided to sit on them for nearly a month until I gave them a ring asking, essentially, "What the heck?!?" So, all of my diagnostic tests are scheduled throughout the month of October, left a message for the endocrinologist and the dermatologist... oh, the dermatologist.

I get my medical care in a relatively large city close to where I live. Normal enough. There's an equally large city in a separate state that shares the same name. Someone in my oncologist's office put the name, phone number and presumably address of a dermatologist in that other city on file for my referral. They also dismissed my concerns about the area code for this clinic not even being in state.

As you can probably guess, the clinic had no record of any referral, they offer no services in my state (let alone my city) and were utterly confused as to why I was given their number.

I called the oncologist back and apparently what they said was that the dermatologists at the main hospital had too many patients, therefore they were shopping out my referral. Fair enough. Still doesn't explain why they were trying to send me to a clinic 12 hours away one way.

Oof what a mess. You seem to be going with the flow about it though. That’s good. Good luck, at getting this taken care of.

This hypomania sucks. I’m still daydreaming /dreaming about my friend. I gotta snap outta this!

I had another migraine last night. Was up until 3:00 this morning. Got up at 10:45 so that was actually a decent amount of sleep. But this makes 3 nights in a row!

The email for nominations for the Board of Directors of my mental health drop-in came thru today and i was delighted and charmed by all the bios candidates gave of themselves. The English was so poor it was almost creative. But i just found it amusing -- all the random, silly things people said about themselves. I felt warm-hearted towards all mentally ill people and what loveable bumbles we all are. I felt compassion for us all -- for how messy life is and how we keep persevering against all odds.

But otherwise the day was long. I'm grateful for the lack of anxiety, fiasco, and crisis, of course. I guess that's just life when you're a mildly depressed recluse.

Headaches seem to be going around. I think mine is from the humidity and took two Benadryl. Seems to be getting a bit better. Thinking though of adding a Tylenol or maybe it’s residual aches from the shot I had?

I put the two watercolors I made yesterday against the book shelf and I’m starting to like them. That’s progress. I’m very critical of things I make. Others say compliments and I’ve learned to say thank you and let it go instead of tearing my stuff apart. But it’s hard. I did catch the vase very well, and the stems in the water look good.

My daughter got heat stoke today from an event she was doing with her daughter so isn’t going to go to the funeral tomorrow. So I’m driving to my sisters to ride with them. In part because I hate driving in that city and in part because parking is a real headache. It’s funny Austin Tx was much much larger city but I didn’t have so much trouble driving there.

I'm extremely thankful for all of you here! I hade that we all have to deal with the struggles we have, but I am grateful for a place to lean on others who get it. So, thanks!

By freak chance, through social media, I came across a band who's songs are all about struggling with your mental health. The lead singer wrote their first song when he was in a psych hospital and is a practicing therapist. I've been listening to them nonstop in part because it's relatable but it also keeps my mind off some of the bipolar symptoms I have going on right now. It's not even 8 pm and I'd go to bed if it wasn't for the fact that I need to finish my laundry in case my roommate needs the washer and dryer tomorrow.