Bipolar Check-In #78

I’m going though another phase of not sleeping. I toss and turn. My routine has been disrupted. I almost took a double dose of night meds. I’m not wanting to get up but I can’t sleep. I try to make the bed only for sleep and reading. Nothing else. But laying I’ve just been laying there doing nothing. Need to stop that.

Got the results of my bone density scans. I have low density there’s a medical word for it but I’ve forgotten it. Plus my spin shows more degradation and deterioration. Great. Reminded me of the calcium chews I bought but never remember.

osteopenia maybe? @Nammu

Yeah, that’s it!

Update on my TMI situation....

I took a couple of stool softeners and it looks like that, along with lots of water, did the trick. I definitely got injured internally - it's not a hemorrhoid - it's quite painful. I'll spare you all of the other details. Thanks for your support!

My anxiety is under control only when I take Klonopin or CBD a bunch of times throughout the day (I take Klonopin just once a day).

Depression is still there. I'm trying to motivate myself to get back into doing the things I used to like.

I go to the gym tomorrow and in the evening I'm heading 2 hours drive north to see what a dark sky looks like. Winter is a great time for stargazing because the air is clear.

I did some googling, looks like there’s nothing much really wrong for a person of my age. Osteopenia is made up by big pharma, it’s not an illness or a disease but an arbitrary category created to sell pills. Pretty much everyone over 50 has some level of disc degeneration. The only point of concern is my left hip which is thin and the hardware in my spine from my previous surgery which can cause accelerated damage. So it’s not nearly as bad as I initially thought. Yay for google

Well i was exposed to covid 5 days ago. i currently have a cough, sore throat and headache. i had to leave work to test but it came back negative. now i have to see my PCP per our infection prevention rules. ugh. i feel like crap!

Around 2:30AM I put on this 10 this minute anxiety medtitation Spotify thing my therapist sent me and I calmed down and I fell asleep in 2 minutes.

I felt ok during the morning. I ate a decent breakfast. I was able to take a shower. Then stuff started getting to me around 1. I got one of KFCs new smashed bowls and I made it to therapy and it was ok but 2 sessions a week aren't that helpful. 1 session and an email or 2 are more what helps me but she suggested the 2 sessions this week.

When I came home I started feeling the withdrawels act up again. I was getting pretty agitated and antsy. So I turned on my Spotify thing. My therapist told me to listen to it before things escalated. I put it on at 3. Its a 10 minute thing. The next thing I knew it was 5 and I woke up with just some heartburn and mild anxiety. I feel better now

I don't know how to link things from Spotify or else I'd post it. But I've used it 3 times and so far its always worked in helping out my anxiety or sleep or both.

If you know the title of it MD i could try finding it and linking it

I talked to my ECT Dr last Friday when I went in for treatment. I asked if I would have to do this forever. She said I could begin spacing it out and see how I do and I can stop at any time if I want to try. It cheered me up. I spaced the next treatment out to six weeks. I can call if I run into trouble. I really really want to stop. I hate treatment days and I’m so tired of it. I hate not being able to remember ****. Multiple times a week RS will ask me if I remember something and I have to say no. I often say I’ve never been somewhere and he will remind me that we have in fact been there together. I don’t remember ANYTHING about last school year and I often just pretend I do when my teacher asks me about something that happened last year. It’s so embarrassing. I just want to stop ECT maintenance but I’m a little worried about it because I’m not sure how hard it would be to get back in if I need it in the future. I’m not against ECT, it’s saved my life multiple times. But I need a break.

So we’ll see if I make it until March 8. I will be absolutely thrilled if I make it through February without a hospitalization. Or dare I say it an episode at all. I think I’ve really done some good work on myself in the past 2-3 years in therapy and PHP/IOP programs. I’ve reluctantly embraced most of DBT (can’t get behind mindfulness and meditation) and it has been helpful. I think I might be able to make it awhile w/o a hospital stay. I don’t think I’ll never go back but even just a year is an accomplishment.

The only other thing I’m frustrated with right now is my inability to lose weight. I don’t suppose I’ve been completely unsuccessful. I have lost ten pounds but it’s been since May. My problem is I do well for a few weeks and lose weight but if I have just one off day I end up gaining 2-3 pounds back and then it takes three more weeks to lose it again. I feel like I’ll never reach my goal. And my goal isn’t even a healthy weight for my height. I’d have to lose about 80lbs to be on the upper end of “healthy”. But losing 80lbs is way too overwhelming. I’m just trying to lose 17.

I can say I’ve been fairly consistent with exercise and it is beneficial in terms of energy. Definitely have more energy in general. I just started doing the elliptical instead of the treadmill to try to increase my cardio health.

Its called 10 minute meditation for anxiety. It was released on May 3 2020.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2y3...QK-RadAcf4RpVw

Hopefully this link works

Yes it does. Thanks!

Sleep is up the pole again and I’m not sure why. Work this week has been great. I’ve eased back into it and enjoyed teaching my classes. There are some lovely students who put in a lot of effort. I think I might be in for a good year, compared to what Ive been accustomed to the last few years. Here’s hoping….

Are you lifting weights? Asking because that helps build BMD.

Well I saw my pcp and I tested positive for Covid. I feel so awful

@HALLIEBETH87 here’s hoping you feel better soon!

Just up and down with this whole no sleeping thing. Noticing a lot of people on this thread are having trouble sleeping as well. I finally collapsed from exhaustion last night and slept a full 8 hours, but find myself still sleepy today. I just want to rest.

I hope you get over it soon!

Caleb and I made our hotel reservation for our trip to Chicago in May! It’s getting real. Now we need to get city passes for admission into the museum, planetarium and aquarium! You need reservations for them.

My period finally started after 11 days!

The natives are getting restless. A bunch of people just shot off fireworks in the parking lot.

I’m so tired of existing.

When I went to Boston I gave this police officer that was first
At the scene my phone number. He called me and said he can try to get me some other help. I kinda want to call him.

What kind of other help? Why not call him?

I don’t know what he meant by other help. I’m afraid if I call and I’m honest they’ll put me somewhere I do y want to be or send me IP again because I NEVER feel safe and I am chronically suicidal

I applied for another job yesterday. This is the 3rd job I've applied to. I get I have a 4 year gap and stuff. But I have worked at 2 other jobs that are pretty much identical to this one. I'm not in a crisis or anything regarding money and stuff. But I want to work.

Today was ok. I had to buy some stuff and I went to several stores and I was really pissed off at prices and sizes and what they had in stock and what fit. Finally I got an iced tea and while my mom ran into the library I did some meditation type **** and I calmed down and I went to Target and got everything I needed.

I came home at noon and the withdrawels are ok today but they are still there. My stomach just is bothering me right now and I'm blowing out a bunch of reddish brown gunk.

So Victoria has officially dropped out of school. but she applied for library aide jobs all over the city which is good. It's part time which will give her enough time to work on her project but give her money for her girlfriend to come visit. Hopefully she gets it.

I'm still not really getting out of bed. So I'm thinking about asking for a medication switch. This being up in the air with Victoria has really got to me. I was hoping she'd really flourish here but instead she's gone down hill. Part time work is the most i can ask of her right now. Hopefully her project does well or she likes it enough to go full-time. We're refocusing on getting out of debt and saving money hopefully in a year we'll be back in the green. It's too much stress to owe and be poor. Hopefully in 22 months we can move to a nicer place. We thought about moving to a cheaper area but then we would have to change everything. I still don't like it here but it's becoming to much of a hassle to move. My sdit passed the first of three test she needs for behavior. I don't think I'm going to get her though we'll see this summer.