Bipolar Check-In #78

I went to coffee with N1 this afternoon. We had a nice conversation about her borderline vs my bipolar.

Today wasn't too bad. I did go back up to 50mil Prestiq though. But I wasn't in any crisis like yesterday. My moods and anxiety were fine for the most part. I slept badly last night so I was mainly just tired today. I went back to 100mil on Lamictal too. Maybe I should try 75mil for a bit instead of 50. My mom said my moods were fine I just wasn't interactive. I don't get why I needed to be? What does that even mean.

I think I might split a 50mil Prestiq into 4ths and take 1/3. Taper down even less then he told me to. I don't even know if I'm making sense. Take 3/4? I think thats it

Just saw the agenda for back at work on Monday and Tuesday. It’s jam packed. Makes me feel sick.

Starting my final week of Lamictal. 25mg before bed. Then I'm done with it. And I'm off. Lord help me! I'm scared. I've been on Lamictal for ten years. But I obviously don't need it anymore. Still picking up my refill of it on Monday, even if I don't need it anymore. Figure it's a good med to have in my stash.

Then, after this week, it's onto my loxapine taper. Luckily with that one I'm only on 50mg of it. I take 25mg in the morning and 25mg at night. Going to start with eliminating my morning dose.

Just trying to get rid of unnecessary meds. I'm on too many ****ing meds, and my pdoc won't take me off anything! The only med he wanted to take me off of was gabapentin for some reason. How about NO.

That ice cream shop didn't happen to be David Thayer's did it? If so, I second the library guy, though there's a few choices there! I was fortunate enough to be able to visit a while back.

I'll add that Bath has a thing for Jane Austen, despite the fact she was only there for a short period, so if you're interested in her period of history, they've got plenty of tours in that vein!

That tour sounds exciting! I hope all of the logistics fall into place!

Colonoscopy has been done, thank goodness! No ride, so I had to do the procedure awake. Obvious discomfort aside, it wasn't too bad. Not pleasant, but not tortuous either. I most definitely stuffed my face after the procedure through! Ha ha!

They found some polyps (including some repeat offenders). Nothing looked cancerous (even to my untrained eye), but the doc took biopsies for good measure. I'll find out results in about a week.

The only minus is I've ended up making up for lost sleep this evening. I'm well rested right now... but it's also three-thirty in the morning. I go back to work at eleven. Annoying, but all-in-all not the worst thing.

Don't think I'll be going to sleep anytime soon, so I'll just do some odds and ends around the house. Busy work.

I fell asleep around 1 and I woke up at 5:25. Anxiety and mood wise I'm ok. Physically I feel like I got hit by a truck and my head is muck. I emailed my therapist and I said the withdrawels were tough today but I didn't want to switch to telehealth and take the easy way out and what did she suggest. I had asked her last week to try to push me in sessions more and try not to agree with me all the time.

So she gave me a few options and we decided to cancel today and do 2 in person sessions next week. Which works out well since I'll be on a lower dose of the prestiq next week anyways and I'll probably need the extra session. Maybe that was her thinking too.

Anyways, I can't keep my eyes open much and I am way too unsteady to take a shower. Another concern of mine.

But the anxiety part is pretty low today which is progress. And I am doing way better mood wise than I was doing on Tuesday. I actually feel stable for once.

Ugh. It feels like I took too much of something when I actually took less of everything. I haven't even had my 3rd valium yet. I've had coffee and matcha and soda. I did blow a bunch of yellow gunk out of my nose last night.

If you pay for Spotify listen to the Audiobooks Frog And Toad if you have insomnia. The narrator is the guy who wrote the books and he does slight voices but not over the top. When I finally turned it on at 1AM I was asleep by the next chapter.

@Mountaindewed I remember frog and toad. Kids books, right?

Yeah. I didn't pay much attention to the story itself but the author/narrator has this real folksy voice that made it easy to fall asleep to.

Cool! I don’t know that I want to pay for another service though.

I know what you mean. I pay for Spotify, Walmart + the Lose It! App. Those 2 are just yearly though. An app called Wow Presents and I just signed up for the fitness app Supernatural

Its a lot

I did light exercise six out of the last seven days. I'm pleased about it.

Last night I got decent sleep and got up earlier and joined other people for games and a movie. Feel better because of it. Ordered groceries to be delivered tomorrow as I had nothing left except canned goods after I went though the refrigerator and threw out everything that was outdated.

We know ourselves best 😊. And you know what meds work for you. Good luck with the adjustments. Hope it all works out for you!

Suddenly Lamictal withdrawal symptoms have hit me like a ton of bricks. Sick, nauseous 🤢, dizzy. I think I'm going to spew. Luckily I've been through this before and know it only lasts a few days. I just need to rest.

Also - I have this pain in my left lower abdomen, by my bellybutton, near where my hernia was. The pain started yesterday morning and has gradually gotten worse. Made an appointment to see my GP about it.

I'm back down to 25mil of Prestiq. 75mil of Lamictal. Things are going decently anxiety, mood, and depression, wise today but my mind seems like muck and I can't concentrate on anything and I left 2 grocery stores without buying anything because everything just looked the same. Like I know what I need.... But everything just looked like blobs and shapes. I couldn't comprehend how to figure out needing golden vs regular poatoes or picking out the right kind of cookies or comparing canned vegetables. There were too many choices and my mind just kinda was full of static today. I did take a shower today though for the first time in a week.

I ordered groceries to be delivered from Walmart tonight. And after 21 changes, I think I'm ok with what I've ordered. And its not all canned beans and corn either.

Idk but I feel a bit like throwing up. But I'm not anxious... I'm just a bit queasy. I didn't eat anything weird

My pdoc appointment moved again. It's now mid-Feb.

I have been working on myself physically - trying to improve my muscles and coordination. I have a long way to go but I am seeing small improvements.

Still feeling anxious and depressed. I'm trying to think my way out but I can't argue with a significant anxiety attack that causes racing thoughts, sweating, racing heart, tense muscles, etc.

I learned a lot of good coping and CBT skills in IOP last summer. I often reread the notes and think of the sessions I participated in. But it doesn't stand up well against the reality of depression and anxiety. I think I understand them but then they pop up in random ways and places and I find I'm stuck. Just venting I guess.

Feeling a bit bored. Waiting for my partner to get back from his run. Slight anxiety in my chest this about work next week. Monday and Tuesday are professional practice days. Wednesday the students arrive.

@Crazy Hitch

Don't worry! You've got this! Try not to stress.

It's not paranoid if they're out to get you, right?

My competing rep has a new boss who's the definition of a smiling face holding the proverbial knife behind his back. I found out a few days ago that he complained to his boss who got in touch with my boss that I was somehow being rude and interfering with his sales. One: I wasn't. Two: Any input I made was solicited by the customers themselves.

So, that happened. Today, he actively tried to steal a customer who was not interested in any other company (It really was best fit.) and tried to gaslight me and make me the villain for not telling him. First off, why? It really was best fit. Also, he ain't my boss!

He's already proven he's willing to tattle to teacher when he doesn't get his way. I wouldn't be surprised if he tattles here as well!

The plus is my boss seems to be in my corner here. I hope I don't need backup!

I had something legit to type. But my muddy mind is interfering. So here is an emoji slipping on a banana.

Man do I love my cat Gary but he won't get out from under my bed.

I just threw up my banana. You'd think I was coming off Oxy or something worse than just Prestiq and Lamictal. And I'm only half off the Prestiq

The banana was all I had eaten in several hours and I haven't eaten much at all today.

My pdoc is a bag of spuds.

I'll add too that he's underperforming from the conversations I've heard and the grapevine. I'm not. It could very well be a case of "He's failing and doesn't want to admit it, so he's chosen me as a scapegoat."

Again, my boss is in my corner, so I'm not that worried. Still, quite annoying.

but that never works. and in the morning I just feel worse and very physically unwell.

When does it get better.

I'm for sure not in the right state of mind though.

I've even thought of detranstioning. Yeah. I'm not right in the head. I can't detransition though because I had my ovaries removed. So I have to stay on my testetreone for life.

I know I'm just talking crazy. But idk....

If you are taking those ridiculous amounts of meds trying to harm yourself you NEED to reach out and get help. Your brain is all messed up for the med changes and it sounds like you need something to calm it down.


The crisis line is 988 or you can text hi to 741741.


Just do that before you are tempted to take so much medication.

I think you also need to consider if having a pdoc you are seeing face to face would be a good idea. I would really question my pdoc if she took me off 2 meds at once without a really slow taper. I've been on and on a LOT of meds and she has never done that to me.

Please, reach out.