Bipolar Check-In #78

I haven't even taken any melatonin tonight. Just a couple tylenol for some muscle aches. I'm just fed up with everything and tired from sleeping badly lately. I emailed my therapist this afternoon. I see her twice next week.

Tired I understand. I have been needing naps with this depression and today I had PT so I didn't get my nap and now I'm overly tired and having trouble getting to sleep (if that makes sense).


It's good you've been in touch with your therapist. Mine doesn't do email but gave me his address once and now seems to be encouraging me to email but I'm not sure so I don't.

I hope you get sleep.

it does! @BeyondtheRainbow

Can you just chat with someone from that text line? Like I don't want them tracing my location. My mom has my meds so I would mainly just need someone to talk to for a bit. I'm not in a crisis

I've never used it but my impression is you can just chat there. I don't think you have to be in crisis or anything, just need to talk.

It's worth a try?

And keep telling yourself you are going to feel better again in a week or two (I know that sounds like forever).

@Mountaindewed

I agree with this.

Like I've said, I can't even get my pdoc to take me off one med (except for propranolol, which we put me back on, and gabbies, which I said I wanted to stay on) much less two at once! That's not right. Especially since you're obviously really struggling with it. I'm tapering my own *** off Lamictal right now and am doing it faster than I know my pdoc would take me off it! He'd probably take me off 50mg every six weeks.

Having a wave of emotions the past couple of days. Therapy is really helping with it, although I had a real setback when I found out my husband was hospitalized again and would possibly end up homeless. I know I should just let go and cut all ties, because the guilt is overwhelming. I am really close to his mother, and she is really struggling. I am holding it together and embracing all the positive things in my life.

Sleeping is the real issue though. I know in my heart that good sleep hygiene is the way to beat this monster bipolar disorder. I need to work on better strategies to help me get better rest.

I feel a lot better this morning. I'm tired but my anxiety and moods are ok. I made it through the night without any melatonin or anything else. And I ate legit food for breakfast instead of just crackers and a 350 calorie matcha. I know they say it doesn't but I've personally noticed a big increase in my hunger when I take melatonin.

So I'm not in a crisis today and I think I'm getting used to the 25mil Prestiq.

My birthday is next Sunday and I totally forgot. I saw on the news a picture of a groundhog for the second and I thought "Wait. What?" Then I remembered.

Now I feel kinda meh but not terrible. More physically then depressed I guess. I tried the 50mil Lamictal again. So I'll see how it goes

Hey dewd i didnt know you were aquarius too! My birthday is on chinese new years this year. Plus i was born in the year of the dragon, which it is this year.

I was born the same day the guy who played the dad on Different Strokes was born. And Rosa Parks and Alice Cooper.

I am the year of the rooster

Isnt the year of the dragon rare for some reason?

I have this dumb nausea migraine. Same as last night. I've taken 5 Dramamine today and 2 Pepcids and some asprin and I am not having any luck. My moods are ok tonight. My anxiety is a bit rough. Whatever. I might have to go to immediate care on Monday to get some red spots checked out on my inner thigh. The right one hurts and is oozing a bit. Yeah mr. Pdoc guy. Going off my Lamictal will be a piece of cake.

I like this part of a song that goes "And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself, that I've already taken too much today."

The dragon is the only unreal creature of the twelve years.

My birthday is the same as Mark Spitz (big olympic swimmer before the last guy, blanking on his name), jimmy durante - an old time comedian. Also my 4th grade "lay" teacher, mr ellison.

Your birth matches are awesome!

@Mountaindewed for nausea migraine, you need a prescription for Zofran. It is a very effective tablet that dissolves under your tongue. It is so effective against nausea that it is routinely used as an adjunct in chemotherapy, so that cancer patients would continue eating and thus receiving sustenance.

I am not sure aspirin is the best choice for your migraine.

Hi everyone. I was supposed to see my pdoc on Tuesday, but I was sick so had to reschedule. Now, I see him in about a week and a half. My brain still hasn't decided if it wants to be full on hypomanic/manic yet, but the nights always feel like it is thinking about it. I know moods can be worse in the morning and at night so, maybe, this is why? Maybe, it's a minor rapid cycle that's lined up with my circadian rhythms? Despite this, there are small signs that suggest this bad bought of depression I've been having might be lightening up so that's good! I've really got to stop closing in on myself when things get bad.

I'm worried my physical health is on the decline again. I'm experiencing similar symptoms to what I had when I first got sick in November. Thankfully, I already have an appointment with my PCP on Friday so I can talk to her about this in. I'm hoping I can actually make it through a full week of work this week.

I'm so mad at myself because despite the fact that i am sick with depression, i still agreed to help my neighbor. It was a short task, but required many decisions and i found it unpleasant and tiresome, and i'm sorry that i agreed to help. It's a neighbor that has helped me out many times in the past, especially with my dog, so i guess i felt i should make a special effort for her.

But these past few months i've taken my dog for her appointments in a cab, so i didn't have to deal with this neighbor. It's more expensive, of course. But i don't feel up to socializing, and i don't want to be more indebted to her.

I guess all i can do is be more wary of agreeing to help her in the future.

At this point, i've given her my ticket to the immersive Van Gogh exhibit when i could not attend, and helped her with her computer, and done this most recent task for her. So i feel i've done a fair bit for her, and i am no longer asking for her help with my dog, so hopefully she won't think it's insensitive if i turn her down for help from now on. She rarely asks for help, so i am probably belaboring this for nothing.

Thanks for reading. Just had to get this off my chest. It's so hard having good values! They are sometimes such a drag!

I'm getting into a really bad sleep pattern. I fall asleep between 9:30-10:0 but wake ready to party (aside from the depression not making me a fun party guest). I'm supposed to take meds at 11 but I'm sleeping through that. That I wake up about midnight and take the meds but falling asleep again is hard and then I wake up several times during the night, sometimes for a while. I tried not napping today (but I didn't do anything but stare at screens because it's all I was up for) and I still fell asleep even earlier. I remember 9:15 so I probably was asleep near then.

I found myself thinking today that I must not be so depressed if I was staying awake and didn't feel absolutely miserable. But then I realized that I had done absolutely nothing but screens, shower and eat. And I didn't cook, just microwaved spicy noodle cup. And that regardless I didn't feel very happy. By now I just feel bad again.


Depression sucks.

@BeyondtheRainbow:

I agree that depression is lousy. It's hard to feel cheerful when you're tired from wonky sleep. I usually sleep long hours, but found myself awake til 7:00am the night before last. I slept til noon, so got about five hours, but i usually get about ten, so i didn't feel healthy.

I'm not too ambitious, either. I get a few games of Scrabble in, watch or listen to "Ozark" for the nth time, and try to enjoy music, not always with success. My diet is junky too, and i have good food in the kitchen. I'm just not up to cooking it.

I guess we have to expect less of ourselves when depressed. I took two bags of garbage out to the chute today. That's about all i accomplished! Yikes!

I give up!

So turns out an accurate dx DOES matter. I got fed up with mental health in NH and drove down to Boston and umm got 18 staples and an actual work up. Turns out my main dx is DID/CPTSD. They think I might have bipolar (not schizoaffective) as well but the psychosis is totally drug related and I’ve told them about last year and they said yup reactions to being retraumatized and intoxicated not mood episode sounding. It was so easy to talk and be honest and not feel judged or shameful or guilty and actually be UNDERSTOOd with these guys.

Looking to move out of state, probably to mass where there are ****ing programs and trains n **** for trauma therapy.

I've had a really hard time these past few days. Everything falls apart at once it seems. I'm just very tired and apathetic. I hope I feel better soon and find the energy to help myself.

I applied for another job last night. I just know things won't get better unless I actually try. And the place I want to work at is hiring. So I thought, why not. So I sent in my application last night. And I felt a lot better after I did it.

I slept a ton last night. Without melatonin. I took my meds later then I normally do in the morning which is ok. I normally take them at 1AM but I took them at 3AM. I think I'm pretty ok with the 25mil Prestiq. I just now took my first valium.

I did half an hour hour with my VR headset. I did the workout game supernatural. I just started it.

So I'm applying for work and starting to work out. I hope this means the withdrawels are getting easier.

I have some 25 mil Prestiqs cut into 1/2s. My next step is to just go off it completely in a week but I plan on taking 12mil instead.

I did have some weird sleep incident where I woke up and I couldn't find my door. I could find my TV stand and the wall. But not the door. I was confused so I just went back to bed.

I honestly don't even remember if that even that happened or if it was just a dream. I haven't had sleep episodes in a few years.

I’m so glad for you. It’s great to hear from you.

The day has arrived! I will be going to work soon. Of course I didn’t sleep well last night. Been awake since 2:00am. Wish me luck!

@MuddyBoots very glad to hear that! I also thought you had DID based on your posts.

I have a friend with a very hard case of bipolar II. It ultimately got taken care of back when he was in Boston MASS by a doctor who was willing to experiment with unusual drug combos. My friend now works full time remotely and has only mild depressive waves and those, rarely.

Wishing you luck! I also, since childhood, wake up too early when I have something important coming up next day, and then cannot get back to sleep. But it will get better once you settle into a routine.

@Crazy Hitch