Bipolar Check-In #78

I may see my h today!! Later tonight.

Feeling the down mood today. The initial shock of me leaving my husband is gone, and as the dust is settling and I realize I have to go back to our place and pack all his stuff, my heart is breaking. I know I made the right decision, but my heart hurts, and being on the low side of bipolar is painful today.

I’m seeing a different gp today. Not sure if he will give me Valium. Doesn’t hurt to ask. I’ve been using over the counter rescue remedy but it’s not the same

My mom's cancer has spread to her liver. Granted it's a small growth (pencil eraser sized), but it's there. She had some blood tests done which will be sent off to specialists, apparently for the purpose of choosing the right (and new) cancer meds for her going forward. She's got approximately two weeks to cool her heels before the results come in.

She feels good. A bit anxious, for understandable reasons. Otherwise, OK.

Me? I'm a bit anxious too. Not the way to bring in the Christmas season, for sure!

Oh, I’m sorry Aurelius. That’s tough

My friend that I talk with every day came to see me today! We had lunch, went to the book store, and then watched Catch Me if You Can on Netflix.

Watching A Beautiful Mind, now. Anybody heard of it?

I watched it years ago

My
Body hurts
All
Over and idk why

Do you feel like you have stiff muscles? It could be a side effect from starting the Vraylar. I know I once couldn't figure out why I was so sore head to toe and blamed it on sewing until I realized it was a reaction to a new AP I was on.


Or you could just be tired (for good reason). Or something else.

Liked both movies.

I did not like A Beautiful Mind. I don't remember why now. I think that I watched the movie and like and was inspired by it so I tried to read the book. The book was technically complex and the movie was (of course, it was a movie) a distortion of reality. I don't remember how now; I know it was at least 20 years ago from where I was living when I watched it.

I'm the grinch

I didn’t get the Valium from the second gp

No I’ve just been really active last couple days but I’ll watch it-ty!’

Did you ask about propranolol?

No he was cutting me off and said go see your psychiatrist I’m not comfortable prescribing you anything

congratulations on your weight loss!!!!!!!!!
That is fantastic.
hOw did you do it, bizi who is 50 pounds over weight.

Thank you!


I was closer to 100 lbs overweight so I REALLY needed to lose some. I've been on a pretty stric t (I rarely go over and if I do it's 50 calories or less) 1200 calorie diet. I've been using an app called LoseIt! which really helps. My fitness pal just frustrated me although I know a lot of people use it.

I've not given up what I like, I just use a lot smaller portions now.

Oh that sucks.

@Aurelius710, I'm sorry to read that your mother has developed a cancerous growth. Sending supportive wishes to you and your family. I hope that if it is just a small growth that it will be relatively easy to destroy.

For the first time in about two years, or so, I actually had a month of positive elevated mood. It was just a mild episode that didn't do much harm, other than me stepping away from therapy. Now I don't know what to do about that. Despite my 650 mg of Seroquel, I actually lost 8 lbs (3.5 kg). I was also doing lots of exercise, enthusiastically. However, it seems that the weekend has brought deflation.

I also saw the movie A Beautiful Mind, several years back. It was worth watching, and the performances were good. However, the story was definitely fictionalized a lot. I never read the book, so can't compare it. My husband and I know a bit more than most about John Nash, himself. He lived near Princeton University, where he used to study and then later "worked" as a special tutor in the math department, up until his (and his wife's) deaths from a car accident. [In a taxi, not wearing seat belts, on the way home from the airport.] We used to see him (mostly), and occasionally his wife and adult son around town. He didn't drive, so he walked a lot. Once my husband (a European) picked him up hiking, and gave him a ride to the Dinky train station which was a short train shuttle to a larger one within walking-distance of his house, which was right near my former workplace. He said to my husband "I'm John Nash, part of the math department." There were many stories (some rather embarrassing types) about his behavior at the university, yet that didn't prevent him from being part of that community. From all I heard, John Nash mainly suffered from auditory hallucinations and delusions, while the movie featured many visual ones, for cinematic sake. Also, I heard that he eventually stopped taking medications, at some point. That did NOT end his hallucinations or negative symptoms, but they say that he found a way to live with them, to a degree. But again, that didn't make his behavior at all properly functioning, and therefore hurt his career for the rest of his life.

Nice to see you Soupe! Glad you had a positive time without much harm. Sorry about the deflation, hopefully it doesn’t go too low.

@Aurelius710 so sorry to hear about your mother. I hope they find a good med for her to beat it.

I’m feeling more positive. About Wednesday my mindset became more on the fighting side and by Thursday I was back to normal. Normal for me, anyway. Still with SI and anxiety but I think that’s just my life. It’s manageable.

I’m gearing up for the holidays. I’m excited for CR to open his gifts. I think he will really enjoy them. I got only one gift for RS, well two but they go together. He mentioned months ago a wildlife documentary series he used to watch and really enjoy (Marty Stouffer’s wild America) so I managed to locate a set of DVDs online. I also got a DVD player as we don’t have one. We usually don’t get each other anything, ever, we’re not gift people. We like experiences more than material gifts. But I really wanted to get him that so he can watch it again, and it is an experience because I like wildlife documentaries as well so we can watch them together.

I’m still in need of gift cards for a lot of people. And a few things for Christmas baking and recipes. We went to the grocery store yesterday but it was so crowded I got overwhelmed quickly and forgot a few things because I just wanted to get out of there. I’ll go back during the week when it’s not so bad.

We did make ginger cookies yesterday. Today we’re going to make lemon snowdrops and kolaches. We’re planning on seeing my grandma on Christmas Eve day and then we’ll go to RS’s parents for Christmas dinner. Much more pleasant than my aunt and uncle’s for sure.

I keep having dreams about my brother which tells me the whole situation is really bothering me when honestly it shouldn’t, it’s not shocking that he canceled on me a few weeks ago. He always does. I guess it bothers me because it was for CR’s 13th birthday and my brother obviously didn’t want to be involved even though he claims to have no problem with me. I wish he would just be honest, obviously he does have a problem with me. If I were to guess I’d say it’s not me personally but the old life I represent. But maybe he’s not even aware of it. Either way, I’ve decided to stop contacting him altogether. If he wants to see me I’m here but I’m tired of hopes being dashed and feeling like crap because of it. I did tell him happy birthday and sent his family a gift (passes to the Philadelphia Zoo). Haven’t gotten a response on whether he received it. Hopefully he did. I’m assuming he won’t show up for Christmas since he hasn’t asked me what the family’s plans are. Oh well. Maybe someday he’ll get through therapy and put the trauma to rest. Then he’ll come back to us. Unfortunately it will probably be too late to reconcile with grandma, her health is starting to fail a bit and I don’t know how much longer she really has. But it is what it is.

N1 is out of the hospital. She stopped by my mom’s. Nobody is mentioning that we know she was there.

I don’t know what to do about my friend C.S. - the one I talk with every day. We have known each other for about 10 years now. I feel that we are great friends but more than friends at the same time. He has told me in the past that he doesn’t want to officially date for fear we’d break up but that seems like a cop out to me. We are very close emotionally. We can talk about anything. I’m 51 and acting like a middle schooler: “Hey C.S. Do you like like me?!”!

N3 invited me to go to Lessons and Carols with him at church. I sang alto during the hymns and to my surprise it went well! N3 sang a combination of bass and tenor. Later, at the next service N3 was one of five people singing chants and early polyphony! I made a recording of the service which is just music with my iPad. It came out great! I had a great day.

I am so nervous about my biopsy next week. I've not been this nervous about one since the beginning of this journey. I'm not sure why this one is scary but it is.

I joined a breast cancer support group (in a high risk section) and all I got where people telling me how to feel. Not helpful and I really hope we don't do that here. I have another group to join but I'm a little scary after last time.
thit

9 more days...........some people are counting down to Christmas, I'm counting down to the 27th. Then I'll get results in about 3 days. So hopefully I"ll know by a week from Friday.

Psych N.P. Changed my meds today. We are weaning off the Depakote and starting fluphenazine 5 mg 2x/ day and adding .5 mg Ativan for sleep. She said that were it not for my great insight I would’ve been hospitalized!

@Moose72, good for you that you had insight; I think it means you're coping better which is a big plus.
@BeyondtheRainbow, I'm so sorry you're anxious. Just take things one step at a time. You're in good, caring hands.

I had a really low day today. I wanted to read and write but couldn't do either for very long. Anxiety is up too.