Bipolar Check-In #78

Sleep has definitely been an issue for me the past few months. With everything that went on with my husband, plus the emotional rollercoaster I have been on have robbed me from my much needed sleep. Also, I have been napping a lot which contributes to the bad sleep patterns.

I am the biggest advocate for good sleep hygiene because I think that's what cured my bipolar disorder. I haven't had any detrimental symptoms that used to get me hospitalized all the time in more than a year due to having my CPAP and getting good sleep.

It's been concerning because I have been averaging 4-5 hours, I know I need a better sleep routine.

I am struggling like crazy right now with depression and my moods. I have a call into my pdoc. I finally said eff it and I went back up to 100mil on my lamictal. I feel a bit better now. So I think its more a lamictal issue then a Prestiq issue. I've only been on Prestiq a little over a year. I was on Lamictal for almost 10 years. I got my weekly shot too. So hopefully things start to calm down. I'm not sure what my pdoc will do. I told him I didn't want to go back on the meds. Mainly the Prestiq. Ideally I'd like to start Wellbutrin right now but I'm guessing hes gonna throw a fit at that suggestion. I've heard about tapering off prestiq onto Prozac and then off that. Idk. I think hes too dense to have heard of that one.

My pdoc was pretty much just like "I know it sucks but you have to just deal with it until we meet on the 12th."

I've had this bad headache all day and it feels like iceles in my brain. My sinuses aren't great either so idk. The kids got off school again today. It would have helped me out a lot as a kid to have half the winter off.

I think its my head thats bothering me the most now tbh

Why does your pdoc want you off Lamictal? You can be on Lamictal and wellbutrin. I was on Lamictal and wellbutrin for a little bit (until I couldn't handle the anxiety anymore and pretty much begged to go back on Cymbalta!).

Going off Lamictal is a *****. That's why I don't understand these pdocs who just say you can quit it cold turkey. They're nuts!

I'm so sorry for your loss! How're you doing?

Hello, been awhile since I checked in on here. I can’t remember how long ago I last checked in but my cat Maybelle died at the end of November. I had covid the last two weeks but finally tested negative today. I had fever, really bad congestion, body aches, headache, cough, gastrointestinal stuff.

My other cat Mustachio is doing well. She seems to have adjusted well with things changing.

I am no longer Covid positive as of yesterday but I still have a really bad cough.

I’m no longer working. I had to quit my job because my stress levels from it were insanely high and I was barely sleeping if at all most nights, going 40 plus hours awake at a time and working during it. It was just too much. The stress from retail and unpredictable hours were just a nightmare and I couldn’t deal with it anymore, I can’t deal with an unpredictable sleep schedule , I end up just not sleeping or sleeping 3 hours and my mental health deteriorates fast. I was doing that 3-4 times a week going without sleep.

I was supposed to go on a trip to NYC on Thursday but that got cancelled.

Anyway, I still have my volunteer job with the cat rescue

I’m so sorry for your loss Nammu, may he rest in peace

Oh, I’m so sorry for all that. Wow you’ve been though the wars. I’m glad you still have your cat volunteers job. Gives you a bit of stability. Year retail is tough.

Just picked up his ashes today. Came in a lovely tin but I’ll be transferring him to his Esty urn with paw prints when I get it. They sent a loving card with it too. I cried reading the card. Was lovely.

Idk. And my mom was the one to talk to the nurse and my mom said the nurse made it seem like I maybe wouldn't even get the wellbutrin.

So I'm going off 2 meds for no reason then? Like that makes any sense

I'm pretty unstable right now tbb.

Aww I’m so glad he’s back home with you. That’s very kind of them to send a card too, I got maybelles ashes back a few weeks ago. I hated the wait because I wanted her home where she belongs. She’s home now though. Sitting on the entertainment center. I go and talk to her sometimes and tell her I love her and miss her. I don’t want her to just be an item on the shelf. I want to remember her and let her know wherever she may be that I love her, so I always talk to her every morning and before bed. My way of remembering her. They came in a nice small wooden box but I was also looking at some urns on Amazon with paw prints and her name. Eventually I’ll probably get her something nice when I can afford it. Her ashes came with a print out of the rainbow bridge story

Yes the rainbow bridge story. Oo you have a wooden box already. How nice. The urns on Esty weren’t much but the shipping was high. Yes it does feel like he’s home now. The apartment won’t be so empty. I like the idea of talking to him every morning and evening. That could replace the things I used to do for him. Every morning I’d feed him breakfast and every night I’d give him some cheese. Thank you for the idea.

I feel really sad right now because I feel sad Bob Marley is dead. Idk though because I only know one song by him and I didn't even know he died until I googled him yesterday.

My emotions are weird.

Feeling tired because I didn't take a nap today, but I think that's a good thing. Emotions are high though; I am really up and down even though I had a really good therapy session. I have the materials to make my vision board, but I don't know when I'll have the time to do it. I just want to lay down right now. :/

No offense, but your pdoc kind of seems like an idiot. Sorry. I don't know why he'd take you off two meds and then NOT put you on a new one. Are you only supposed to be taking valium then? What else are you on? When's your next pdoc appointment?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've had my fair share of idiot pdocs.

Plus, why is he even taking you off Lamictal at all?! Is he putting you on a new mood stabilizer too?

@Mountaindewed

Damn it. Now I'm getting all pissed off on your behalf!

WHAT exactly is your pdoc THINKING?!

WHAT new mood stabilizer is he putting you on and why?! Are you having problems with Lamictal or something? Lamictal is weight neutral so it wouldn't be affecting your weight. You can't just take a bipolar person's mood stabilizer away and expect them to be okay! This is dangerous. I hate it when pdoc's do **** like this. Once I had a pdoc take away my AP and AD cold turkey. Guess what. I WASN'T okay and ended up ODing.

Seriously, can you get a new pdoc?

In the meantime, if you feel unsafe, PLEASE go to the ER. Or call the crisis line. Or do SOMETHING. JUST STAY AWAY FROM PILLS. Please!

(((Hugs)))

I haven't been on here in a while. I was doing super well for the most part for the past two months but going back to school this week which meant a change in my routine has caused me to spiral again. I just feel super depressed and manic and today marks 4 months of being sober from drugs which I am really proud of but almost ruined that the other day because of my current state. I'm doing something that is for my greater good so it makes me angry that I am reacting in this way. I'm still doing my school work though and showing up for work so that is good but I just feel like im on auto pilot trying to do the bare minimum to get by.

I'm on Geodon and propralanol too. He just said he wants me off more meds before he adds in something to replace the Prestiq. When I tried asking him for an increase in my valium to help me out with the with the withdrawels he said no and said that if I don't take his suggestions maybe our patient doctor relationship isnt working. So I agreed to go off the lamictal and the prestiq.

I don't like to use the word. But I feel like he was being a bit, not gaslighting, but blackmailing me almost.

Anyways, I have a whole bottle of 25mil lamictal. I think I'll stay at 100 and see what happens. Maybe taper off closer to my appointment on the 12th.

I came across the definition for 'resentment' the other day. It said: "bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly." I found it really compelling because i feel a lot of resentment towards my ex-husband for not telling me that he wanted kids before we got married. I told him that i did NOT want kids, and thought that settled the matter. He said he married me thinking that i would change.

Resentment is a really poisonous feeling and it's been spoiling my life. I read that it's part of irritation which i also feel. It said one way to cope with irritations is thru humor. So i have been trying to recall funny things about my ex. Strange snacks he used to like, his favorite t-shirts, private jokes we had. It's much more pleasant to dwell on these funny things than to be stuck in resentment.

I know that this has little to do with bipolar but i found it so interesting and helpful to me that i thought i would share.

@insciencewetrust:

Congratulations on your four months of sobriety! You rock!!!

I fell asleep after having a tough time and I woke up just over an hour later drenched in sweat. Not only was my shirt soaked but I had beads of sweat on my chest. My shorts were soaked too. 2 out of 4 of my pillows too. And I had massive anxiety I changed my shirt and shorts and now I'm fighiting sleep.

Effing med withdrawle

Can you call him and tell him you're really struggling without the Lamictal?

Ugh.

Now I'm having problems getting my diazepam refill because it's "too soon for my insurance to cover it" even if it's been a month.

Sigh.

At least I have a ton of back up or I'd really be in trouble. Looked through the locked pill box. It's a treasure trove of gabbies and diazepam in there. Plenty to last me until everything gets figured out.

Whew!

Always good to have extra meds lying around.

Me editing:

Nevermind. I'm totally fine. I can get my diazepam refill on the 30th and insurance FINALLY paid for my gabbies and they were just filled today. Have to go pick those up. Kinda figured I was worrying for no reason.

Yesterday went to the pharmacy in person and got my passport photo and I asked about the latuda. They were trying to order the 80, not the 20. Also they were trying to give me more gabapentin, but I just refilled that one, their records didn’t show that. It’s all straight now. So it will be ready today.

Today I’m planing to go to the library and fill out passport forms and print them. There’s a trip I want to take though I’m scared too. I really want to go to England. Not sure I’ll get the passport in time though. The trip is in April.

Stable but feel sick at the thought of work on Monday. Ughhhh. It’s been a great 5.5 weeks holiday. I’ve focused on my health. Eating better and mild exercise. Which reminds me I better go get on my bike in the garage and put 10 minutes in.

The people at the library are soo nice. They’ve always been very helpful and kind regardless of my lack of tech skills. When I got help printing out my forms he asked where I was going and I said there was a tour I hoped to go on in April. One of the cities is Bath. He told me bath was great and there was a two story bookstore near the Roman baths and the best place to get ice cream was on the corner. I really love our local library. They do so much. They have far more than just books. They even host a D&D game. Movies and activities. They are having a book discussion on one of my favorite local authors so I hope to go to that. Don’t know if I’ll be able to hear, but I’ll give it a try.

"It's okay if all you did today was breathe."