Bipolar Check-in #79

Feeling really tired tonight, but I think that's a great sign. I am really scared about mania these days because I stopped taking my morning meds, but I think because I'm sleeping pretty well each night, I should be okay.

Feeling emotional though, my heart is still broken - I know they say time heals all wounds but man I wish it would just hurry up I feel so impatient and sad.

I attended a ZOOM party put on by one of the support groups here in the city. The themes were a combination of Spring and Cinco de Mayo. It was pretty tame but the host was fun and did a great job. She gave out ten-dollar gift e-cards to Walmart. Then we played our regular Sunday night games.

Scrabble's going real well, my rating hit a new high after circling around for many games. A couple big plays were fun: CHASTER and SERENER. As i get more chaste, i get more serene! I slept well again. Terrible trouble getting going in the daytime, but that's typical. I only get about six alert hours out of each day.

@Mountaindewed:

A nurse i spoke to on a telehealth service said it takes forty minutes for meds to hit our bloodstream.

I am a little scared....I am high risk for breast cancer and go to a breast clinic every 6 months. My next appointment is in a few weeks. I have found a lump. It is probably nothing; I have had several lumps removed that were fine and I have a very large cyst somewhere in that area (but the dr couldn't find it 6 months ago.) Nonetheless I keep poking at this and it seems to be a consistent, hard, pea-sized lump and I've never felt anything quite like this before. I've never actually felt any of my lumps but I do feel abnormal tissue sometimes. Hopefully this is a different variety of that.

I'll be so glad for my specialist and mammogram.

I've not told anyone about this. I need to. My therapist will be on vacation just before my appointments so I won't have him to calm me down like usual. I need to tell my mom. But I hate for anyone to worry when it's probably fine. I just have this fear that if not this time then next or the next will be the time they find the cancer...It's not a positive thought but it's hard to avoid sometimes, this lump being one of them.


Women: Get your mammograms on time! The only reason I know I am high risk and what to watch for (plus getting watched very carefully) is that I chose to start mammograms at 40 and kept up with the every 2 years schedule. If I'd waited until 45 or later something might have been out of control in there.

I just wanted to say y'all are lovely people. Seriously. Fighting a hell of a fight, spiting the entity that put evil thoughts in your heads. Surviving when that's the last thing you want to do. Some of you are a beast of a Scrabble opponent, some teaching the minds of the future, some healing the sick, all being an inspiration.

As I get ready to call it a night, I find myself with some paralyzing anxiety. I doomed scrolled for a very long time. I think a lot of it has to do with the unknowns of what my phsyical health will be like when I wake up/this week. It was pretty bad this weekend, but I had to push through it to get some much needed cleaning done since my roommate sucks at it and will leave coffee and food spills on the counter. She only cleans if a cockroach gets in or she is having people over.

She's been driving me nuts, but financially speaking living alone isn't an options, so I will resign our lease to live hear another year.

Some of the anxiety is probably also from the fact that, tomorrow, I need to have the guts to initiate the conversation with my counselor about her not being the right fit anymore. Confrontation sucks, but I have faith that I'll find the guts to do this.

Three weeks of the school year left-that's wild to me!

Ugh. So down feeling this morning. 😪 I'm old. I'm wrinkly. I'm fat. I've accomplished nothing with my life and it's already halfway over. BOO-FUKKING-HOO. I had nightmares again last night. I wish everyone would just leave me alone. I want to spend the day curled up in a ball in bed, but know my husband will be a menace and make me go out with him and actually do things. I wish he would stop bothering me about going on walks with him.

I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

I haven't thrown up yet today. Which is good. I had coffee and tuna too and my stomach feels ok. I feel pretty down in the dumps right now but I'm guessing I really did throw up my meds yesterday.

I had planned on going out but I didn't. I need to just get off my *** and go somewhere. So now I'm thinking taking a shower and doing laundry will be enough to be considered having a productive day.

I don't know what I need really. My therapist is nice and stuff. I just need to be pushed more.

I'm hoping my stomach stays this calm though. That could be a game changer. The fact I didn't barf up my coffee is sort of a big deal.

I'm about to lose my mind from lack of meds though. I'm thinking of just taking them now. The lamictal anyways.

Another long-*** post with too many tangents and details coming ahead.

I'm fking it up with my partner. They're going to realize I'm a POS with no standards, think they're better than what I deserve, and move on to greener pastures (all true). We supposed to get together tomorrow morning. I think I'd rather throw myself off a bridge. They have INTERESTS and SKILLS in those interests. People LIKE them for their charisma, passion for life, humor, and authenticity.

Wtf do I have to offer to anyone? "Yeah, I'll make a trip for groceries, but I have no money and if I go today any money you give me is going towards destruction of my liver because I am just a little unstable today"??? Maybe even "haha, yeah, you can call these pancakes healthy because there chocolate protein powder and bananas in them so dig in"???

Seriously. I know I'm posting in the bipolar forum, and after reading up a bit on BPD and really taking a look at myself that seems like more of my problem at least now that I'm sleeping somewhat regularly and not spending days under a bed with a knife ready to pounce.

Maybe, like when I was in recovery from drugs/alcohol for however tf long that lasted, it was "happy denial->painful insight->work on shyt->not spend 24/7 being in grave danger" and supposedly people tell me there is actual contentment afterwards, but Idk if that'll ever be a thing for me. Yeah, I get the whole "progress, not perfection" and "make an inventory of yourself so you can improve" philosophies of AA. I believe I can some day go without doing the thing I just did with my partner (go overboard with an expression of willingness to be with them and compliment them to no end and yes I totally am idealizing this person, and they did not reciprocate that leading to this spiral of "maybe I should leave them alone forever. Maybe I should give up any progress or even moments of mindset change I had and actually take the food money to the liquor store and forget a day for $13. Maybe I should (do something specific I'm thinking of doing that'll put me in the hospital at worst, next to my dad at best)"

I do not know how to do this on my own. Based on the gazillion therapists/psychiatrists I've seen, warm lines/crisis lines I've called, and groups I've been to, I don't think I can do this with outside help.

I have explicitly told my roommate that I have some mental health struggles (didn't specify exactly) but I did tell her they were a little beyond what people say when they say "I have a mental illness" and talk about depression and anxiety. I'm not trying to minimize their struggles or act like I have it the worst in the world because depression and anxiety suck *** and there are a crap load of people in worse shoes than mine, but I do feel like a bipolar/BPD/PTSD/bulimia/addiction combo is, generally speaking, a harder set than a depression/anxiety combo.

But in the span of typing this my partner asked me if I wanted to spend tomorrow and the night with them so I'm not feeling like jumping off a bridge is a thing I'm going to do anymore.

Went to my interview for my practicum placement at a crisis stablization unit nearby. its gonna be awesome as ill get to do intake assessments, psychosocials and even therapy and discharge planning. i catn wait til august to start!

That sounds like it'd be awesome work. Taxing, maybe, but rewarding!

I've been really lethargic all day and I've just been reading Reddit. A new season of this show I watch is premiering in a couple weeks and its kind of a big deal.

Anyways I took my meds and my anxiety calmed down. Then 45 minutes or an hour after I took my Geodon I ate a rainbow sushi roll and then half an hour after that I threw up a bit.

Mainly I'm just tired as **** today. I'm not in much pain.

I tried taking a bath instead of a shower. Which was just a whole lot more work because I had to scrub out the tub first and then take the bath and then rinse off and I got out and I was shaking real bad for some reason and I still don't feel all that clean.

thanks! im excited! i work part time as a peer suppost specialist for our local community mental health clinic too so mental health is all i do and i love it (most day.s...)

Almost screamed at my family to, "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!" because they were bothering me about going to the park with them. Luckily they FINALLY took the hint and left me alone and went without me. It's bad enough my husband was a menace all day, making sure I went out with him, making sure I went on a walk.

Honestly, I just want to lay in bed and curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone. I called my doctor's office about my anxiety and left a message on the nurse line, but don't expect to hear back until Wednesday (if even then for fukk's sake!) because that's the only day of the week my psychiatrist works.

I'm just so damn TIRED. And my anxiety is making me depressed and draining me of energy.

I'm an apple that's rotten at the core. I'm never going to get better. I'm a piece of shyt person. I suppose I deserve to suffer, when I really have nothing to suffer about in my life. I have a loving and supportive family, I have my creativity, I'm not starving, I have a nice place to live, we can afford me not working, so what is my problem?! The only thing not easy about my life is me. My family would be better off without me. I just drag my husband down and have probably traumatized my daughter.

I need to find a Purpose in life. Spent the last of my money on a pizza. I haven't eaten all day. Everything is dirty and I have limited food. May go to the food bank tomorrow or I might hold off for a little. I just don't know what is wrong.

I posted a separate thread about my visit to Chicago this past weekend. I’m still so tired and sore.

I wish work was finished but nope I still got 2.5 hours left to go ... nearly the end of lunch time here and then I have a staff meeting after work. I really don't feel like it. I went and bought a cookie from the canteen at lunch time for no reason. Boredom plus I'll be back a bit later from work today so I'll be eating dinner later because of the meeting.

Classes were okay today but I didn't see the horrible class lol. Tomorrow I don't see them because they've scheduled cross-country during this time. I will count my blessings

I've found a different website that I've been chatting on. I actually joined it in 2015, forgot all about it, and was reminded of it by a member here about a week or so ago. I like that there are always members in chat there, unlike here when you log on and sometimes there isn't a single member in chat. I use it mainly when I've got some down time, like with my first cup of coffee in the morning before I get dressed - I've been popping in to say hi to everyone.

I called and got a pdoc appointment set up for May 23rd. I was so worried he would be booked and I was going to be stuck until my appointment in July. I feel such a relief. Last night wasn't good. I woke up at 8:22 after falling asleep at 6:20 and I was throwing up off and on until about 11 but then I still didn't get back to sleep until 3 something. Then I got up at 5:28.

My niece was sick so she didn't come over. I got Starbucks and threw up and I just felt totally crappy until I fell asleep for half an hour at 7:30 and then I woke up and took 2 Tylenol, a Zofran, and a valium, and got my pdoc appointment set up and I just had therapy and I feel a lot better now.

I'm still not sure whats physical and whats not, but I do think I'd be better off on more lamictal and prestiq.

I feel so ashamed of things i did while hypomanic. Even trying to play Tetris today, i was constantly apologizing to people in my head for being inappropriate when i was hypomanic. It makes me not want to go out anymore. At least this way i don't accumulate any more bad memories to be ashamed about.

Saw another one today:

I'm giving up wine every day all month
---
I'm giving up. Wine every day all month.

Laying in bed in the dark under the blankets listening to music. Luckily my family didn't pressure me too much to play with them tonight. My daughter just asked me why I was so depressed and I didn't really have an answer. I'm happy I see my psychiatrist on the 15th.

I have stuff I need to do, but I'm so tired. I just don't have the energy. I'm pretty worthless right now. I can't concentrate.

I had a good conversation with my counselor yesterday. She is going to talk with one of her coworkers who's specialty is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). I don't know much about it, but the little research I did makes it seem like it would be really helpful. Especially the acceptance part.

My coordination and brain fog have been pretty bad today. I have a feeling my mystery illness is getting worse because I seem to be getting sick-a lot of students have been sick recently so this makes sense. We'll see how I feel tomorrow-I just want to be well enough to go to work and get to my chiropractor appointment.

A student also invited me to his choir concert this weekend so I really want to be healthy enough to go to that. He's part of a very impressive program.

@June08 Have you been checked for fibromyalgia? When you say brain fog that's so often a symptom that really bothers people with it.


I really liked ACT. I found it to be gentle when I really needed a gentle approach.

@BeyondtheRainbow doctors haven't mentioned that one yet-my guess this is because I don't have any pain. Definitely something to keep in mind though.

Thanks for telling me ACT is a gentle approach-if I end up giving it a try, this info will help me be a little more relaxed as I get used to the method/counselor-well, in theory :-P

Man am I not doing well today. I'm just in a **** ton of pain and nausea and barfing up everything. More pain then normal. But I don't have a fever so I don't think I have to worry about sepsis. Yesterday I was puking out these things that looked like furballs. Today its thin floaty things. Idk whats up. Mental health wise I'm not really feeling anything today becuase my pain is so overpowering I can't feel my anxiety or depression. I took all 3 Zofrans and both stomach meds as directed with food. The first 15 minutes before I first ate. The second an hour before I ate something bigger. Who knows anymore.

Damn. I just wrote this post on how I feel so much better and I'm talking to my partner, but that's just gone...

there was like this rush when they asked if I'm okay, and I thought about how great I felt when I was with them at first, but now I'm back to feeling like I was about it a few days ago where I feel like I am just not worthy of love from them. Or anyone.

Maybe I just need to go back to hanging around people like me that KNOW life can be taken away in an instant so why bother needlessly suffering in the moment when there are ways to escape that.