Bipolar Check-in #80

@raspberrytorte
Are you on the pill? If not, it is possible to spot for a few days right around ovulation or it can be due to low progesterone after ovulation. You said you changed your diet as well. I'm wondering if that might not be the cause of your spotting?

Getting older just sucks. I'm 46, and 50 is not far away.

No. I'm not on the pill. I can't take hormonal birth control. In the past it has always turned me into a raging bytch. I changed my diet, but not by much. Just added more protein and fruits and started meticulously counting calories. Thankfully my spotting seems to have stopped (fingers crossed).

I want to go back on Haldol! Boohoo it stopped working. I didn't have a period for seven years while I was on that. I also wasn't fat!

I went to the gym today, despite little sleep and a swollen left foot.

I did some new exercises today - one with a big and heavy rope where you make waves in the rope by moving your arms up and down. It looks way easier than it really is! It's good that I went.

My pdoc has an appointment available for me on Tuesday. I'm having Vraylar withdrawal effects like brain zaps, and increased anxiety. It'll take weeks to get the Vraylar out of my system so I hope she can prescribe something to blunt the effects, maybe another antipsychotic.

I think I might have found a T that works on a sliding scale which is helpful. I see her next week for an initial consultation.

Yep. They were flukes. Two hours of sleep. Wide awake. Paranoid. Creeped the fukk out for no reason. Ugh.

Moral of the story excessive amounts of coffee , edibles, and psych meds are a bad mix. I’m staying away from them for now. Like I might try them again if I ever get to the point where I’m not on psych meds. Im 100% sure that combined with all the coffee caused my nightmarish experience last night.

What are edibles? Vitamins or something else? I'm not sure I know what you mean. I'm sorry you had such a bad reaction to them.

THC gummies , they’re used to get high

Just ate a hot dog and chips and a Diet Coke. Today is the big neighborhood garage sale in my mom’s neighborhood. I got a meal. Now I’m overly full. I usually get a meal from this same guy every year. I just wasn’t very hungry when I ate it. Weight gain here I come. *sigh*. It’s the only thing I bought at the garage sale. Saw a cat tree but didn’t know how I’d get it home so I didn’t get it. Plus they’ve blocked off the regular way that I drive home so I’ll have to try the back way.

Yesterday I fell asleep at 4:30 in the afternoon. I woke up at 9 and it was dark out. Then I didn't get back to sleep until 4. I woke up at 8. I didn't drink the best while I was up so I was throwing up a lot.

Today I'm very tired from being up most of the night and I also took more dramamine which makes me drowsy. But its helping my nausea so I'm not throwing up and my moods and anxiety are decent. So its mainly just bad fatigue today.

I spent about 1.5-2 hours sleeping. I feel better.

No fking clue what happened but im pretty sure, positive I mean, my knuckle is broken. disfigured, cannot move it, bruised, swollen...good excuse for percs!

also, when they say not to drink on an empty stomach, do 3 habanero peppers 40 mimnutes ago count? i want to give myself an ulcer if you can't tell. just want to see if i can.

i will say it's almost 3pm and i have not had a drink. i said id stop when i finished the bottle and i finished the bottle

feel like shyyyyyyyt but am coping well by making a master list of dark jokes

ETA: chica said we were going to get groceries. That was a lie and apparently she is full on crack addict now. Polysubstance user + crackhead with an abusive bf living together. What could go wrong?

I still feel horrible. Hoping to get some sleep tonight

Just had my friend with benefits over. Eh- not that great. He criticized the state of my apartment which I’m sure his place is worse. I took that long nap earlier but I want to go back to sleep even so. It’s only 5:43 pm so I have hours before I can go to bed. I feel antsy even after fwb was here. At least I got a shower so I feel refreshed. Maybe I will call my Chicago friend. Chicago friend is not answering. Ugh.

I had a lazy day. Spent most of the day reading. Now I've finished all my library books, and the library is closed until Monday. Boo. I should have gone this morning, but it was raining, and I didn't feel like driving in the rain.

I hate to drive. Does anyone else here get driving anxiety? I'm not a very good driver; bipolar messes a lot with my concentration while driving. If I can do one thing at a time I'm fine, but multi-tasking is so hard for me especially when you've got to concentrate on the road in front of you, idiotic drivers, the speedometer, the rearview mirror, and you are constantly having to focus on each one in turn. I can't multi-task much at all, and driving is different from multi-tasking on things in the house where the outcome is not potentially costly, fatal, etc. It doesn't help that I've been in several fender benders of my out fault and once totaled a car (though thankfully no-one was hurt). I get very panicky a lot and often have full-blown panic attacks driving in areas where I can't easily quickly pull over to calm down. I really wish driving did not affect me this way.

I went to sleep last night around 1 and got up at 6. Took a nap when I got home around 2 pm. it was delicious!

So I'm not depressed but I decided I'm never going to the aliter program or community college due to paranoia/agoraphobia. So I wait till I can pay for an online art school. We are looking for a place with a balcony. I've come to the realization that my anxiety is never going to get better. I've gotten better about staying by myself inside I'm not couch locked when alone anymore. I will always think I'll be killed if by myself. My pdoc makes me go to the office 1x a month that's the only time I'm in public. I'm not optimistic that my Service Dog will help me. I'm trying to get a place that I can be okay staying alone, take my dogs out, and am not afraid to walk to the store. My trust in people is non-existent. I'm not independent, I won't even let matinance in if alone. This is in the for front because Victoria is getting a hotel in a week with a girl she met online. My mind is flying about how this person is going to hurt her. Nowhere is safe for me. I need to get okay with taking the dogs out because my husband will eventually have to stay at the hospital or help someone and Victoria is moving.

Victoria is dropping out of college. She's going to concentrate on art and writing building a career in one of those fields. H isn't happy but she's only 22. If she doesn't do it now then when.

In a really good place, but life always shows up to put a damper on things. I am just trying to push through it though. It will be a long time till I actually be with my boyfriend the way I want, especially since I am just enjoying my independence from my last relationship, and that's okay. I do need time in between so I need to be patient.

I love that you love books the way you do @Blueberrybook !! I have forgotten my appreciation for books. I was removed from all technology for 2 1/2 years when I was in jail and then a homeless shelter, and I read so much I found such love for the feel, smell, and just the pages. It was an amazing time.

Symptom-wise they are at a minimum. I am trying to find out about life after bipolar, I don't let it define me or my life anymore.

I was fine all afternoon although I was a bit crabby from throwing up my AM meds again. Around 6 I couldn't help it and I drank a lime Pepsi. A few minutes later I became sick and I started throwing up the Pepsi and large chunks of eggplant parmesan I had for dinner.

So I seem to have figured out what has been making me sick. I just don't know why. But I'm just gonna have to throw out all my soda since I can't seem to control myself.

The pain and nausea is ok but I don't know how much of that is the dramamine.

I keep having these weird random thoughts. They just come out of nowhere. I know my meds and sleep are way off so maybe its just that.

Did anyone have trouble sleeping on 50mg of Prestiq? My sleep sucks. I'm up most of the night and sleeping 2-3 hours during the day. Before when I was on 25mg Prestiq I slept fine.

Yesterday, I called the office of the gynecologist my pdoc referred me to. She is part of a massive chain of clinics-it took two different transfers just to get to the person who could schedule me. But, then this person had to send a message to the nurses at this doctor's location because the doctor told me pdoc she'd see me but she doesn't have any new patient openings for months. I am worried about the finances of all of this-like, if she would want/need to order bloodwork or something-since I wouldn't be going through my insurance. We'll see how it all plays out.

I'm on watch to see if it's time for my monthly use of my risperidone PRNs-The last couple of days I've had some symptoms, but I'm waiting to make sure they are actually bipolar symptoms and not just normal mood stuff. If my agitation from today turns into intense irritability tomorrow, or if the high anxiety I had today turns to paranoia, I'll take the extra 1 mg for a few days.

@June08

If she orders labs or any other tests you can take the lab order to someplace where you are in-network and have it done there. There is no rule that it has to be done at their office or facility. My doctor is affiliated with a hospital but he's an hour away so I never use his hospital and that's always just fine. Just explain and ask for a written slip.

Chicago friend isn’t answering. I know he’s gotta be up by now! I just went and got cat litter. Running low. It’s 11:30 a.m. I am feeling social but nobody else is! My phone says I walked over 3 miles yesterday- that’s over 8000 steps!

I actually listened to my messages today and my CM says if I pass a drug test when I get a pdoc and don't show a ridiculous amount of impulsive behaviors, the two of them are going to work on helping me become my own rep. payee. I don't even know how tf the gov't allows my mom to do it. Guess she climbs through loop holes pretty well.

But yeah, didn't drink yesterday or today. I can stop when I want to, obviously. Not a true addict. Might check myself into the ER for HI.

Making progress in my novel planning! I am excited. Feeling great! Three and a half hours if sleep last night. Preparing for my afternoon rest period because my afternoon anti-anxiety pills make me a tad sleepy. 🙃 Don't mind though. More time to dream! I love dreaming. Dreams are great. Great inspiration for novels. Or NOVEL. Whatever. Feeling chilled. Having double chocolate chunk brownie ice cream for dinner... (yes! I'm fat, old, wrinkly, ugly and gray now anyway. Might as well own it).

@MuddyBoots

What's HI?

Yes @MuddyBoots - what’s HI?

Got a second coffee this morning- shouldn’t have! I’ve been wired ever since! Want to try to nap again but two hours ago I was having shaking arms/hands! Talked with Chicago friend for quite a while this afternoon but then he got another call and had to go! I ate my leftover burrito from Friday night. It was pretty okay. I have a check up with my primary dr in the morning. I already did my e check in. Now if I can hear my alarm in the morning!

So Victoria's birthday is going to suck just spent her birthday money on food. I have to find $90 for each of their applications next month. I don't want to pay for one and not the other. I'm worried Victoria needs more time writing before doing an MFA like program. I hope I can figure it out. I don't have the $90/month for classes for her.