Bipolar Check-in #80

Today I feel a lot more energized. I legit ate stuff with protein for breakfast, and I think the lower Geodon is helping me out. I made it out of my house for once to the Asian Market. I had therapy which I didn't really want to go to, but it went fine. Next week will be really busy. I see my endocronolgist and my pdoc on Monday, then I see my therapist on Tuesday, then I have my endoscopy on Thursday.

My blood test results showed I'm prediabetic, but he just said he'll discuss things next week.

My stomach has been fairly calm today although I did just throw up a bit a few minutes ago.

I'm trying not to think too much about the news. I have enough going on. Project 2025 is ****ing terrifying though.

Yesterday, I got back from a weekend trip to my home state. Between flights and driving to family, weekend trip makes for a lot of travel in a short amount of time, it was the perfect amount of time. My mystery physical stuff is acting up because of it though, especially the fatigue. I expected this though. It's bad enough I'm worried about going on another upcoming trip. The trip involves longer flights and more days than this one so I'm worried I won't be able to push through while I'm there and what shape I'll be in when I get home. Part of my wonders if I should cancel the trip...

I am scheduled to have an endoscopy next Tuesday, but I'm concerned about the after part. Tomorrow, I see the friend who agreed to take me, but I'm realizing I don't know if she is actually planning to stay with me once she brings me home. If she can't wait with me for at least a few hours, I might end up having to cancel or reschedule. Technically, the surgery center won't let me get it done if she can't stay with me for 24 hours so...Living away from family, and not having one of my own, is tough when it comes to needing to get medical procedures done.

I saw my Pdoc. Stopping lybalvi and restarting Risperdal. She’s super nice and I really like her. She’s thinking since I’m not depressed or manic it’s likely I do have sza bp type rather than bp like my last Pdoc said. I’m just tired of hallucinating but at least I’m not afraid of Satan attacking me lately

So my therapist is officially going to be out 4-6 weeks for hip replacement surgery and my vacation adds a week to that time. I've not gone that long without seeing him in 18 years. I think the longest has been maybe 3 weeks when he was really sick. Even that may be 2 weeks. We had been meeting 3x/month for a while but when I got depressed in the winter we went back to weekly. We just tried missing a week and I didn't handle that well. So how am I going to handle 6 weeks?

I am so, so anxious about this. And it's hard to complain to him about it because well, it's hardly his fault. He is going to try to hook me up with another therapist, the one he's likely to refer me to when he retires in a couple years. Next week I'm going to have to make myself talk about it. We have a good enough relationship that he won't get upset and I know he really knows that this is quite difficult but we nee to talk about it. Maybe a lot. We've got 5 more sessions.


With the heap of meds I'm on my emotions are blunted and I can't cry. My pdoc has been trying to make some adjustments to decrease the numbness but the anxiety and depression got worse so we backed off of one change. That too is making me anxious. For 3 years now I've had severe depression in the winter. I would change to the highest dose Emsam patch and it helped, then in May or June I'd come off and be ok. Well, we decreased so I was using the lower dose 3x/week and it didn't work. So now I'm scared I'm maxing out the only AD that's worked for me. I don't want another MAOI because I am not good at handling daytime meds and I don't really want the increased food restrictions on those.. There are a few ADs that have come out since I have been on Emsam so I have things to try. But the other thing is that if I lose my Emsam patient assistance I can't get it back as I'm grandfathered in right now.

I'm just anxious. About everything. And I failed to convey this to my therapist well. I hate when things go like that in a session.

I guess i need to start thinking that in 10-12 weeks things will be back to normal again. That's not so long. It will be early fall and I always look forward to that time of year. It's not that long. I guess.

Hope she understands your situation!

Hope the anxiety will not stay too long!

I am sorry that you have to be without your therapist for so long! Maybe you can mark your calendar and cross off each day gone. It does not make it a lot more easy, but perhaps a little bit.


What about sitting down half an hour a day being your own therapist? I did that once and it helped. I wrote down what I wanted to say and then what the therapist would have said is he was there.

It may shorten the waiting time and perhaps help yo to find topics you want to talk to him about when he is back.

Anyway, I hope you find a way to cope!

I am well!

I have some pain in back and neck, but that is not unusual to be me. I feel depression free and that is what really counts.

Am planning to do more work in the home for today. I cannot do much at the time because of my lungs, but that is OK. I'm used to it.

I will visit a relative before the weekend and in the weekend there will be grilling. Look forward to that! Good food and company is some of the best the earth can offer us! Hallelujah!!!

Am sending good hopes and good wishes to you all!

I'm doing a bit better today, still anxious but not having panic attacks at least. I am on buspirone and propranolol for anxiety, but sometimes I feel like that is not quite enough and long to be back on clonazepam. However, I've noticed my concentration and forgetfulness is much better off clonazepam (and I can read actual books again!), so it's a trade-off, like always on these meds. Such as Cymbalta gives me tinnitis (ringing in my ears), but I'd rather deal with that that be suicidal. It's minor tinnitus or at least bearable tinnitus to me.

My mood is okay, level I'd guess, but meds tend to blunt my emotions too. Level is better than mania though. It's when I accidentally skip meds or accidentally double (sometimes triple the doses) or mix up night & day meds or make mistakes filling my pillboxes that I get into trouble, usually ending up in mania followed by psyhosis quite rapidly. H swears I'm on so many meds there is no way he could keep them straight to fill my pillboxes and sometimes I think it's a wonder that I can. Or when life events hit me - deaths in the family (natural but still), H losing his job, etc. I end up in trouble.

Just a crazy day in Raleigh today, just running around and meetings and getting together with people. Went to my doctor and she said my thyroid is WAY off that's why I have been having so much trouble losing weight. At least I have an answer for it now. I knew having that surgery was going to be a bad idea, but I was afraid of that lump in my neck turning cancerous, so I had to take it out. But now I blew up like a whale and hate myself so much. : (

On the upside, my mood has been good. I think I may have got a whole 6 hours sleep last night, which is better than it has been. My moods are pretty good, and I feel pretty balanced. Things are going well in my relationship, and life is pretty good in general. Hope work is not too crazy tomorrow though, I am the only one in the store for 4th of July, so hope the mall isn't too packed.

10 years ago when I moved into this house my therapist told me I'd know I was settled into my home when I knew where the light switches are. That seemed sensible until this morning when I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and apparently didn't know where the entire door was. I smacked straight into the doorframe with my forehead. I've gone to the bathroom in the dark a thousand times here but this morning I guess I just forgot. I'm fine, just a bump and a bruise. This has not been my month.


Still anxious about my therapist going on medical leave but trying to stay calm about it. I can't do much about it until I can talk to him next week. And I'm not sure even that is going to help much. What's he supposed to say, that he won't do it because I'm anxious? I think this is also raising anxiety about what it will be like when he retires in 2 years and this feels like a practice run for that.

I keep trying to remember this will be completely over in 12 weeks or less and that is not such a long time.

Been feeling damn bugs crawling on me
Tonight. Can’t wait to pick up my meds
From pharmacy tomorrow.

Last night was kinda scary. I was sleeping and then I woke up coughing and then I started just puking my guts out. Like really forcefully. Something is not right. No way is that normal.

I've decided to go on my trip tommorow. Last night spooked me a bit. Today wasn't terrible. I went and did a grocery pick up. My stomach was fairly calm until I went to lie down and threw up a bunch of raspberries. I have some pain and cramping.

But I have my Carhart sling backpack packed for tommorow and I'll see how I handle things any better then being at home.

I woke up because of loud fireworks and because I had a dream where I was getting my period and I needed food fast or I'd have a freak out. I haven't gotten a period since April 6th 2020. The cramps were just stomach related stuff. I've been eating a lot of grain free pasta and fruit.

@Mountaindewed I hope you are able to enjoy your trip and that your health issues don't really act up while you are on it!

I found a friend who is willing to stay the night with me when I get my endoscopy! My friends are saints. Since I don't have family here, my friends have done a ton for me these past few years to help me out, including when I couch hopped for six weeks when I first, in a very unexpected turn of events, ended up moving back here with 48 hours notice.

Counseling went okay today. It's an adjustment getting used to this new counselor because she has a plan of strategies she wants to teach me but I do more talking/filling in her in on things with my other counselor. This new counselor wants me to practice two different strategies each day (twice a day per strategy) and to take notes on how they go. After counseling, I got lunch with a friend and went with her to see Inside Out 2.

I'm noticing a new pattern when I'm pretty depressed-even though I know how miserable it is, I find myself tempted to try and trigger hypomanic, or even full on manic, symptoms. A bipolar buzz just sounds better than depression sometimes and I think it's just my brains way of telling me it wants an escape from reality.

Just kind of sitting existing today. Just in a lull period I guess with not a whole lot going on. Just really tired and moody. This thing about my thyroid really being off scares me, but it does make sense as to why I can't lose any weight. I know my diet is horrible, and I am not doing much of any exercise. Just feel like I am drowning a bit. God, why aren't we ever just happy?

I made it ok to our hotel. I didn't puke until we got into our room although I was struggling about 10 minutes before we got here. I took a zofran and I feel mid right now. Kinda not all that great physically and my anxiety is a bit high. I think I'll take a shower in the hotel shower. I haven't showered since Monday. I know thats gross, but I didn't go anywhere and I was alone on the elevator.

Tommorow I have to make one stop at a store. I honestly just went with my mom and my brother because my physical symptoms were getting too intense for me to feel comfortable being left alone.

I did get a good 4th of July deal on a Cahartt duck insulated flannel lined winter coat. I have my walmart gift card to use for food this month.

I took a shower and it was so nice. My shower at home is small and dark. This was the size an actual shower should be and it was brightly lit. And they had unisex Dove Shampoo conditoner, and body wash. I guess anyway to shower at this point works.

Does anyone think Biden is not going to make it much longer? Like I mean legit not make it? Pushing up dasies to put it politely.

Man does my stomach hurt badly. I've gone to the bathroom twice. I was just listening to this podcast on my drive about what these 2 people would do if they shyt a hotel bed.

I just threw up a big chunk of something that I could feel sitting in my stomach. Doesnt look too good but it felt good coming up.

I feel numb, but overwhelmingly emotional if that makes sense. Was on a ride with a friend to a dispensary in MA.

So yup. Hoping those folks can deal with that as well as a family can.

Doing OK here. H is freaked Trump will win the presidency (I am too) and wants to get the F out of this country. He is seriously looking into applying to overseas jobs. Don't know what is going to come of that though there actual is a job in Ireland that fits his skill set perfectly though it would be a long shot. The political climate in this country scares the F out of me too; I halfway think it's a huge part of my anxiety and panic lately.

Not meaning to debate politics or anything here. Sorry for an unpatriotic post on the 4th of July.

The the thought of Trump winning scares the fukk out of me too @Blueberrybook!!!! 😱

Anyway, in a good mood today. Great love experience last night. ❤️ Husband actually seduced me for a change. I was shocked and all like, "Oh my god! What are you doing?!" And he said, "What? I thought you needed some Raspberry time." I'm all smiles. My GOD OF PLEASURE.

We went to the Milwaukee zoo today with Daughter, which was fun. We're going out to see fireworks tonight.

I don't know. I'm just in a GREAT mood.

Today was an alright day. Slept in, ran a couple of errands, and tidied up a bit. I'm starting to get nervous about my endoscopy. I'm not really nervous about the procedure, but I don't like having to ask others for help in such a big way. And, I'm worried what I'll say when the meds they'll give me will kick in. When I have any type of sedation, during the phase where I'm awake but don't remember anything, my subconscious tends to come out big time. I hate thinking about what I might say, somewhat in front of the medical team but especially in front of my friends, without even remembering what it is. This is also the first time having any type of sedation since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder so this has me extra nervous about what might come out of my mouth.


If anyone did something for the 4th of July, I hope you had a good time!

I think I'm depressed. I'm sleeping a ton suddenly and I'm on less gabapentin than I was before. It's like if I can just sleep it off I won't have to go through the next few weeks.

My BIL has me quite stressed. Every year when they go on vacation I house and pet-sit. This year I confirmed the dates with my sister months ago and was planning to do it until my BIL offered it to his brother. I was a little hurt and very concerned I haven't done a good job or something but was reassured that wasn't true, it was just miscommunication. Fine. I wasn't really looking forward to it anyway. It's kind of a hard week as it's boring and I miss my AbbyCat and I have to deal with the cat that kills things bigger than she is and a flock of chickens when birds aren't my favorite thing.

Anyway, they leave this weekend. And tonight I got a text that there'd been miscommunication and my BIL's brother was only planning to do a few days. I am proud of myself; I said yes but I said I couldn't go until I had my therapy appointment Tuesday. I need in person therapy right now both because my therapist will be gone for a long time in 6 weeks and because of the depressive symptoms. So I'll be there Wednesday until Monday. Which is fine, it's not like i had big plans or anything but it's just confusing. And I'll have to do things which is actually probably good for my depression.

But as it is I've got a stomachache from the stress. I don't like changes in plans. (pouting)

On the plus side I realized that some bras I needed to return were just within the return for credit range and I won't wind up with a huge store credit and the pricing on my credit card. I almost missed that.

Hope everyone had a happy fourth!

I just had a wonderful love experience so I'm VERY happy. 😊 Husband seduced me again. It was great! I must have really gotten his juices flowing. Either that or he's feeling better. Whatever it is I'm liking it. It's 2AM and I haven't been to sleep yet. Not tired. Night meds STILL haven't kicked in... ugh! And usually they PUT me to sleep. Hopefully they still do soon.

In the meantime I'm just going to lay here in the darkness next to sleeping Husband in bliss and contentment, while listening to God is an Astronaut and relaxing. Ah yes. It's been a wonderful day!

took my first dose of risperdal last nightand i feel calm today

Ugh, last night I had a dream I woke up in a psych hospital. It was so real that when I actually woke up (still dark), I couldn't even orient myself to my bedroom, and I've been living in this house nearly 20 years. Talk about a nightmare.

Going with my daughter to the library this afternoon. She's driving on a learner's permit, and her driving makes me so, so anxious, I wish I had Xanax or something to take beforehand. I guess I've got plenty of propranolol to take an extra beforehand (and I used to be on a dose of 3 a day, now I take 2 a day), so it wouldn't hurt. It doesn't help the same as a benzo though. On the upside, I finished all my library books other than an ebook I'm nearlyl done with, and I've got 3 holds by authors I like waiting for me at the library.

Last night I guess I missed some pretty good fireworks from our hotel room. And my mom called me like 8 times lol. I had the door locked.

This morning I felt pretty good. And I was hungry so my mom and I went out to breakfast while my brother slept in. I got some swedish pancakes and I ate half of them. Then we stopped at a couple stores and my mom thought I understood Polish when the cashier was asking if I wanted something in a bag or not but I was just understanding his body language and how he was holding them out to me.

We stopped back at the hotel and got my brother and went on the road and I got Wendys triple berry frosty. And then I puked it up in my bucket. It looked like I had eaten Grimace. Just a ton of bright purple. I took a Zofran and I feel better.

So at least my anxiety and agoraphobia is ok today even though I have a messed up stomach. I'm not that stressed about the endoscopy although I did have a dream last night where I had cancer.

I think being off the 20mg Geodon and starting vitamin D has given me more energy.