Bipolar Check-in #80

I woke up with what I'm pretty sure are early cold symptoms. This explains why my vertigo exercises have been making me dizzier than normal the past few days. This makes me nervous because I am scheduled to get on a plane later in the week and be gone for several days. Maybe, I'll be lucky and it's just my allergies acting weird. But, I don't think so.

I didn't feel to bad, but still chose to lay low today since I do seem to be getting sick.

I see my pcp tomorrow and plan on asking her about getting IV fluids on a regular basis. This morning, it was a lot harder to get out of bed, which makes me think the positive effects of the one I had Tuesday are waring off. That and/or it's because I'm getting sick.

Mood has been stable though! It's early but, so far, deciding to use birth control meds to manage my mood seems to be having a positive effect.

Chicken stress is doing me in. There's a latch on the coop that I have had to start taking pictures of because I kept freaking out that I wasn't shutting it and having to go back to the coop (1/4 mile away) to check. Of course it was always fine.

Now I'm laying here obsessing that I didn't block off the door with cement blocks. 99% sure I did and I am not going to go check at this time of night. Besides even if something got in there now the chickens are safely shut in their box and the bottom of the door has some extra support, plus the top has a secure closure. But I soooo want to go check. (My OCD is playing with me). But this may require a PRN.


Cats are so much easier than chickens...

I had a good volunteer shift with the rescue cats today. They’re all so sweet. I’m just waiting for my night meds to kick in so I can go to sleep. Idk I’m kind of tempted to pull an all nighter.

I had a good day. Spent time with my boyfriend. I’m looking forward to Tuesday because I have a violin lesson that day.

Printed out some DBT workbook worksheets.

I really want some oreos right now. That sounds really good right now. I got the mega stuffed ones awhile back, they were so good. I’ve been craving chocolate a lot lately. Oreos, Nutella etc What I’ve been eating though is frozen grapes when I want something sweet. I like them frozen better than regular. They’re really good that way. I just buy a bag of grapes and put the entire thing in the freezer and take some out whenever I want some. But I am gonna get some Oreos this week cause it’s all about balance

I made some pasta yesterday. It actually came out good. It was just ziti with jar sauce, ground turkey and a lot of melted mozzarella on it. Pretty happy with how it came out. I wasn’t sure how the ground turkey would be in it but it was good together. Kind of like a deconstructed lasagna.

Ok so I had to wake up at 4 and drink the last 5 glasses. Now its yellow and mostly clear. I'm kinda worried about going during the endoscopy and waking up wearing a diaper or something.

But it went ok. Better then I was expecting. I got a few hours of sleep. Not much but some.

@Mountaindewed
What time is your endoscopy? It will be OK. I had an endoscopy a few years ago. Honestly, the worst part of it was the prep and drinking the stuff. I woke up a little out of it but came around pretty fast, and I was starving from being on the liquid diet and having no solid food and just water to drink IDK was it after 12 AM till time before the endoscopy? I remember afterwards, H drove me straight to a nearby Mexican restaurant and got me a huge plate of Mexican food at the drive-thru. By the time I was home, I felt pretty normal again. H had an endoscopy around a year ago. His prep was different from mine he had to take I gues some sort of prescription laxative and down a lot of water within a given time period, not drink the stuff likd me. His prep was a lot worse than mine for some reason. He was having dry heaves (don't remember if he threw up but maybe some) along with diarrhea. The rest of his endoscopy went OK. He woke up groggier than I did and mumbled in the car before he had some real food. Afterwards, I drove him straight to McDonalds (H ate a ton of food for him, he's always been a moderate eater). He was a little tired from everything (mostly his prep I mean) but got back to normal quickly though I remember he took a couple days off of work.

I am starting to come down, maybe already? SHYYT! H and my daughter found a ton of mistakes in my med boxes (one for morning, one for night) and he thinks it was a med screwup. Anyone else have that happen? A med screwup causing mania? Well that in the fact that I only took oxycarbazepine whenever I felt like it, but honestly, the neurologist prescribed that for neuropathy and since my neuropathy wasn't getting ANY better I figured the oxycarbazeopine was not necessary and I only took it when I felt like it. Since the neurologist prescribed oxycarbazepine and NOT the pdoc (though pdoc knows I am supposed to be taking oxycarbazepine, Pdoc was out of sorts that I wasn't taking it . Pdoc told H that oxycarbazepine has some sort of effect for bipolar (God knows what) and I was also only taking half of the quetiapine tablet because I wanted to lose weight. Pdoc said get on the full dose of quetiapine pronto (BUMMER! Pdoc is such a downer!) I promised H that I would take my meds as prescribed and that once I was better I would use a medication app with pill identifers (and look at the practically invisible numbers and letters on each pill before putting it in my pillbox) and reminders as to when to take the pills. SHYYT! I tried that once before and got annoyed at all the stupid reminders. But I did make several pillbox mistakes. SOOO many pills look practically the same; especially the pills that are round white circles. And gabapentin looks a TON like Alpha-lipoic-acid (a supplement that I had been taking to help neuropathy).

Anyone else have meds that look practically the same? So that it's easy to confuse them when getting your weekly pillbox filled? And I HATE refilling my pillbox. It's such a pain. Not to mention EVERY week it reminds me I have bipolar and that I am crazy abnormal and mentally ill.

Oh, and pdoc put me back on lamotrigine. What the heck is that supposed to do? Also pdoc put me back on hydroxyzine which is supposed to help my anxiety and panic attacks. But hydoxyzine does NOT help anxiety a bit like a benzo would. I REALLY, REALLy wanted to go back on clonazepam, but pdoc said I was too forgetful on clonazepam at my appts. and H agreed wit pdoc. SH'yTT.

Crazy thing I think I am already coming down from mania. I felt SOO happy and energtic. Now my body feels exhausted though slept 8 hours last night. I want to go for a walk this morning, but my body is physically exhausted. Now I am drinking coffee from the stronges caffeine concentration Starbucks makes for the K-cups.

I am now peeing a lot more than I was and have weighed 5 lb. less this morning. Well, THA:T at least I hope is permanent and NOT a fluke. I still want to lose 5-10 more pounds.

Sorry if I missed anyone.

I am still hypomanic at least and wish I'd stay that way longer. I feel a LOT better when I am hypo and being blunted in the middle is NO fun AT ALL.

I still have pressured writing. Obviously.

DAYMN I have a lot of typos in this. I went back to edit them and couldn't concentrate to get thru the first paragrah Sorry abou that. Hope you get the gist of it.

SHYYT I am now CRAZy dizz Going to lie down a bit. \ Listen to music with my eyes closed. Eyes closed is better. Hope this makes sense.. GladI didn't go walking yet. I would have fell down. Called pdoc's office . Left a Message. Pdoc called back and said to cut the oxycarbazepine in half. I will get H to do that. I am still hypomanic I thinkand so might not do the best at it. I am also still pretty dizzy. I have to wait for the dizziness to pass. I will try to get cleaned up. But it will have to be a bath not a shower so I don't fall down.

Sorry for typos. Not only am I dizzy I am hypomanic too.

Sorry for lots of posts.

Update: I edited this but know there are still mistakes.

I use three pillboxes. One has 28 boxes, that i fill once a month, and i take all at night.

My 2nd pillbox has my diabetic metformin in it, 7 slots, that i put 4 pills in each slot, and i use 2 pills a day, so it lasts me 2 weeks. But its easy to verify i take 2 pills a day with meals, altho sometimes i forget.

My 3rd pillbox has 2 slots, i take 1 pill every other day, its a diuretic. The 2nd slot is for a potassium supplement which i am supposed to take with the first pill, but i have been skipping lately. I keep track of what days to take it on my phone calendar. Sometimes i skip a day, sometimes i take it 2 days in a row, and i alter the calendar accordingly. It goes out for like 3 months. I dont remember otherwise.

Then my insulin is in a separate old makeup bag, and my glucose monitor is in another.

I have 2 small suitcases, one for daily and glucose meds, and the other for the monthly meds.

I try to make it as small a hassle as possible on me.

@jmariah001 It's great you have a proper BPD diagnosis. I know a lot of therapists/pdocs are hesitant to give that dx, but when I got mine, it explained a lot and let me know that I need to work on a lot of the maladaptive thoughts and behaviors more engrained in personality, in my case in learned experiences growing up, rather than mood episodes treated mostly with meds and a healthy lifestyle. If you find a helpful support group for BPD, let me know! I've been doing some DBT with my therapist and going through Dr. Fox's "The Borderline Personality Workbook" and, although with DBT I've only done the mindfulness module and a couple distress tolerance skills (have dabbled in emotional regulation and interpersonal relationships with other therapists/in groups too) and started the workbook last week, both have been helpful with both understanding and keeping as grounded as possible.

I also wish the best for everyone else. I hope those flying high have a gentle landing, those dealing with a variety of chaotic animals handle the stress well (you're rocking it @BeyondtheRainbow), all the medical tests go well and any sicknesses are short and mild, family struggles get resolved or have the best possible outcome, and also @Blue_Bird those cats are freaking cute!!!!!

----

It's hard to keep it copacetic here. I'm trying to "keep things boring" like my old NP always wanted me to do, but I keep getting into situations where someone (read: my mom) starts crossing boundaries, and asking her to give me some space to fill out paperwork, not walk in on me getting ready for a shower, not go through my backpack (it was great explaining the pregnancy tests to her--doubted it, but haven't had a period since March so I figured might as well just in case), not go through my phone, and ESPECIALLY not stick her fingers down a shirt pocket "to see if it was a real pocket." No. She doesn't listen to "please give me some sense of privacy and please don't touch me." It takes a "back the fkk off," followed by a contest of chicken but instead of seeing who gets scared of running into the other person, it's who can make the other person feel more threatened than it's worth (Not give a shyt about consequences ensures I almost always win this game). So yeah, I guess in this place I have to use rage to set boundaries like I've had to for as long as I can remember. No one said the words "sorry" or "apologize." Like I've learned, those words are totally empty regardless of where they fit in what you say, so conflict settled by saying "I know, just say it, I'm the worst person ever and you wish you took your birth control correctly." "You're not the worst person. There are worst people out there than you." Thanks.

I'm afraid to talk to anybody here. I don't want to do the "talk to a decent person leading to talk to their "fun" friend followed by seeing the old drug dealer" thing. My CM wants to see me later today but says she'll call if I can't make it down and same thing with T later this week. I've been looking at menus for the dispensaries across the border, and it is TEMPTING. Also on the drive, I go by 3 liquor stores, one at a rest stop where I don't even have to get off the highway, along with ending up really close to the largest one in NH (I went there once, 'tis quite impressive). I did get a call that there's an opening at a shared living environment I put in an application to a while back, and the manager of the program emailed me a bunch of paperwork so chances are I will be moving to a better environment at some point. Hoping for the best!

@MuddyBoots
Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness. You give great advice and I love reading your post. I am still hypomanic but unfortunately still dizzy so no walking. That really sucks because it is actually a cloudy day, not sunny, and I get so much hotter when it's sunny. The Houston area tends to have very high humid except in the winter when we get a cold front in. Last winter it was so warm I didn't even have to wear my sweaters. It is not unusual to be able to wear shorts at Christmas time.

I am coming down a little from the dizziness. Pdoc said to cut the oxycarbazepine in half because it interacts wih lamotrigine. I am still hypomanic though which I like.

Hi all!

Today I reached my goal! I had put up a little hilltop with a wonderful view as my aim, walking toward it in small steps at a time. I reached it today. It took me almost 4,5 km (2,8 miles) to reach it and 6306 steps. The first weeks from now, I will take the same walk every second day, then I will do it every week days and at last add with one day of hiking each week. I think all this will give me a good enough health both Psychologically and Physically.

It is so good to feel so close to the nature, listening to the birds and look at every beautiful view. Not to forget that when I am hiking, I never do that alone. It is good to enjoy good company as well.

I think I will make it from here, so I will not post so often! Since I am taking a break, I want to say something personal to each one of you:

@Blueberrybook Don’t think of yourself as crazy. That was how mental health was dealt with before. Don’t belittle yourself! You are a person who happens to have got bipolar 1. That is a severe condition, that needs you to take really good care of yourself. Fill your pillbox and be proud of yourself!

All persons with Bipolar 1 have my sympathy! When I say it this way, it doesn’t mean that I don’t consider Bipolar 2 or Cyclothymia as not sick enough, but that I know (from having known people with that diagnose) that MANIA is a though «thing» to live with or to beat.

When it comes to me, I never fulfilled the bipolar diagnosis system to the fullest. The best a therapist could do for me, was to name it as in the old bipolar NOS. But they never wanted to give me that diagnose officially. I felt that "the not formal diagnose" was some sort of recognition of the pain I suffered, even if it was not fully into the Bipolar disorders. Personally I think it is some form of unspesific braindisorder or a failure in the activation system in the brain.

So I have struggled so much to make my own therapeutic frame and have succeeded with that. It costs energy and time to live with the problems, but I am able to manage with my private tools that I have been thinking out by myself and so combined these tools with the CBT approach (most of the time), as I have told before. People whom have never experienced some form of Psychological Disorder (I don’t like the term MI), don’t know how lucky they are!

@Mountaindewed, I am glad that the colonoscopy went well! And you drank all the 13 glasses! WOW! I was not able to do that, and they said it was OK at the clinic.

@Blue_Bird hope you will have enough energy for the cats.

@BeyondtheRainbow Hope the heat will slow down at your place and that you will be able to eat properly and not stress yourself out on overthinking about «things» you think you haven’t done.

@Scooter9 Thinking on you! You have a lot on your shoulders. Hope you don’t suffer from pneumonia!

@victoria’smom Oh, you have a lot on your shoulders as well. You are in my thoughts!

@jmariah001 It is good that you have got a proper diagnose. Hope you find good treatment for it!

@June08 I hope it’s not a nasty cold. I had one some weeks ago, a lot of coughing. Good to hear that you feel stable emotionally for the time being.

@LadyShadow and @MuddyBoots, I hope both of you feel well (enough) to at least enjoy parts of life for the time being.

@hallieBET87 Please keep posting!

@unaluna, you have really found a way to keep track on your medications. I need to be better on that.

If there are persons here not mentioned, please forgive me! It is a lot of names to remember!

Am sending my best wishes to every one of you!

Great job reaching your goal @Rosi700 Its hard to motivate oneself to exercise. I’ve been working on that too. Making myself take walks and get on the treadmill. It’s really good for physical and mental health though

I love that more people are posting, but what happened to @raspberrytorte@ ?

I hope she didn't think that my telling her she was posting TMI on her hypersexuality didn't scare her away. It just was something if it were me, I'd probably think that was private between her and her H?? I'm starting to think she took my post too harsh. I REALLY didnt mean it that way, and now I feel very bad and guilty. I shouldn't have posted that. I think when I did, I was already hypomanic. And I mean I post TMI stuff too, like about my period and such. I feel I am guilty of TMI posts and shouldn't have told raspberry anything about it and moved on.

OMG, I feel so bad. I'm such a hypocrite.

Took a walk and picked up my meds from the pharmacy including the vitamin D prescription my psychiatrist prescribed. So I will be taking the vitamin D once a week.

It’s hot out. Like extremely hot out. I’m ready for the autumn.

I slept good. I slept way too late because I had planned to have a very early productive day today but I ended up sleeping till like 11am now my schedule is all thrown off. It’s okay though. I needed the sleep.

My mood is good. I’m glad I didn’t pull an all nighter last night. I do those occasionally and I always end up regretting them the next day. Sleep is very important despite how fun it can be sometimes to go to without it and be super productive. It’s not really worth it.

Gonna practice violin later today. Other than that not much going on. Will probably watch some shows/movies, play games, read books. I might see if I can push myself to do some painting today. I paint miniatures that come with tabletop RPG boardgames. I’m not good at it by any means cause I’m fairly inexperienced with it and it takes skill to be good at it which I haven’t had enough practice yet but it is a VERY relaxing mindful activity. You really have to be focused when doing it because the figures are so small and the details so tiny. It’s very relaxing to do it while having a show, or YouTube, or podcast or music on in the background on my phone on my Bluetooth headphones. It’s like the ultimate way to relax for me, you end up really focused and immersed. I don’t do it often enough. I’m gonna try to start making time for it again though more regularly. I’m pretty bad at it but maybe with practice I’ll get better.

I saw my doctor and I've got pneumonia! Confirming via x-ray but I've got 6 days of antibiotics.

My mother is stable. Still undergoing tests, no results yet but they are treating her. Her heart rate is much better and her overall swelling is reducing.

Thanks for your well wishes! Much appreciated!

listening to david crowder at work and wishing i could be at home hiding in bed. life is very loud.

Don't be too harsh on yourself for mentioning some of her posts lately were a bit too revealing. They made you uncomfortable and stuck up for yourself. There's a good chance she's going to come down and realize it was getting a bit excessive. I'm guilty of TMI posts (some incredibly triggering) myself, and if it gets too much I'd appreciate someone (as kindly as possible) telling me to chill with that stuff myself.

The both of you are flying high right now too, so I understand her posting excessively about the hypersexuality when it's clearly her most severe symptom, but I commend you for pointing out it was a bit much. I do feel like you went on a little too much though in trying to set that boundary (it was a less than brief post). There's have a "have to share this!" quality in a lot of thoughts, increasingly more so I've noticed (regardless of mental health status...I blame twitter).

I've been working on journaling more (want to every day, but I slack a bit) and getting the thoughts "I have to share" out that way, and when I actually do it, I think my posts are a tad more controlled. Maybe we all could work on finding an outlet like that, and come here for the site's purpose to support each other.

I'm not trying to bash or insult anyone, especially considering I'm confessing to very similar posts. I guess this post is just saying we do shyt when we have that combo of racing thoughts, poor decision making skills, and impulsivity, and it's good to practice continually finding better ways to cope with that. The great thing about this site is spending some time writing here instead of emptying our bank account on all of Ernest Hemingway's literature like I said earlier, the great thing is we can usually understand each other and always empathize with one another.

I'm sorry all my posts lately have been extremely long winded. I swear I edited this one down

And please come back and let us know you're okay @raspberrytorte!

Thank you @Rosi700

The colonoscopy went fine. Everything came back fine. My doctor said my issue is the ulcers that are causing the vomiting and the nausea. He is still waiting on the biopsies and told me to keep up with the prilosec until then.

I had a pretty easy time with the sedation. I woke up as soon as I got back to my room. I wasn't hungry. Just thirsty. I still haven't eaten. I'm home and in bed and just groggy and cold.

The doctor commented on how far they were able to get. They even got to parts of my appendix. Lol. I guess the prep worked pretty well.

I always get uncomfortable when techs start putting those sticky EKG things on my chest because then they see my top scars and find out. But I haven't had an issue any place.

I almost just mixed up my meds and took an extra Prestiq instead of my lamictal. I caught it in time.

I just threw up and I can't eat anything. Idk if these ulcers are a bigger issue then I thought or if its a reaction to the sedation.

Also the chapel or whatever his title is came into my room and asked if I needed a prayer. I politely told him I was fine. My mom and I laughed when he was gone.

I'm coming down, just hypo now, but my daughter STILL won't give back my car keys

Dizziness is improving. THANK GOD!

OMG! I'm FINALLY getting a sex drive back! It's been over a year since I had one. Fingers crossed this is not a part of hypomania that will go away once I'm stable. It's not that sex has been bad. It still was good, but if I went without it, it was no biggie to me.

@MuddyBoots

Thank you for your kind words. As you point out we are both flying high right now, and I know I was excessive in my post to @raspberrytorte

I am happy to hear you are journaling. I've tried it before but never could commit. Do you journal just whatever's on your mind each day or do you have a prompt that you use to get the idea to start each entry? Maybe I should try journalling with prompts. They must have that free online somewhere? I do love writing. Or I used to. I just don't seem to have any ideas I feel are good enough to write about. I thought about writing a comedic texting story (with a disclaimer in the front stating bipolar and mental illnesses are serious health concerns not to be taken lightly...blah...blah...if you can't laugh about it sometimes, you just cry about it all the time.... and call it something like Texing with my Bipolar Mother (or daughter): a Comedy. But then I thought too many people would get offended and take it the wrong way and I'd be hearing about it ad infinitum. So I haven't done it.

One of my big symptoms of hypomania is pressured writing. I feel so sorry for all of you here having to read my treatises!

Yes, @raspberrytorte I am worried about you too, just like Muddy! Please, please, please let us know you are OK!! We are all concerned that you are not postingEven if you could manage to PM one person in the bipolar forum and let them know you're okay so they can tell us you're doing fine. Everyone here is concerned. We love you

My PCP appointment went exactly like I wanted it to. She can't give an official diagnosis (a neurologist has to) but she is calling my physical illness POTS for now. This is all insurance pending, but she sent in a referral for a second opinion with a different neurologist and sent in a referral for IV fluids once a week. Fingers crossed these both are approved!

I wonder how much the fluids cost.

She also wrote me a doctor's note saying I can't perform a pretty big task I am usually in charge of planning/running at school. My boss had said I didn't need to do it this year, but he hasn't told me who would replace me, so I wanted this as a friendly reminder to him that I can't do it. Like many people, he doesn't want to hear/accept that I am sicker than I look and that this is a life long thing so this doctor's note will hopefully also help with this issue. Thankfully, my coworkers completely believe me and have been SUPER supportive.

I've added zinc to my daily regimen to try and get rid of these cold symptoms.

@Blue_Bird thanks for sharing the cat pictures-they're adorable!

Yeah I stayed up till 6:40am this morning after pulling an all-nighter. So yeah, that's a thing now. I am not mad about it per se, only annoyed that I couldn't get up early enough to get some work done this morning. I don't know if what I am doing is caused by some kind of hypomania, but I managing pretty well.

Accomplished a lot today. Worked on my itinerary for GalaxyCon in two weeks, stupid William Shatner is not showing up for the PhotoOP till 6:30pm lol, I guess he's still a premadonna lol. I guess I will walk around all day - I am going to get there early to see Wil Wheaton speak at 11am. Also planning to go to a music festival in two weeks as well with my good friend, so that should be fun.

Just all in all, I am enjoying my time being independent and living alone. I have a lot of people in my life I can count on, and just really grateful for everything I have. The power will be out for three hours tomorrow morning for maintenance, so that should be extremely fun in all this heat, ugh. I am going to the gym in the morning to kill the time and since my probation meeting has been changed it should be interesting to figure out to do with all that time tomorrow morning and pray my power comes back on time.

Hope everybody is doing well, I am glad to see every posting - hope @raspberrytorte comes back soon! Love you guys

@Blueberrybook, I have a few different methods of journaling. Personally, I don't really do the type of prompts you see when you look them up online, but I practice some DBT stuff which is a lot easier with a pen and paper when I am focused on that one thing and can physically see it written down. Stuff like chain-analyses, looking at things from wise mind instead of emotion mind, the pros and cons chart information just not in a chart (especially when I feel myself heading towards a relapse). That's really all I've learned so far (well, some distress tolerance and mindfulness stuff, but that's not really material for journaling). If you want me to explain any of this in more depth, I'd be happy to!

Sometimes I'm just pissed or scared or despondent or craving and rant about that though. Can make things worse if you dig further down that hole though (I've had to stop writing about the craving bits because if my timing isn't perfect I'd just end up glamorizing getting wasted).

I also have a separate notebook for my "ingenious ideas" that are sometimes even realistic

I'm home, tucked into my own comfortable bed, meds are inside me and my cat is purring by my head. All chickens survived my care and my sister was pleased with how things went. That's about as good as can be hoped for.

I am so tired and hope I can get to sleep really early since I have therapy tomorrow and my nieces are coming up so I'll be gone all day.

So, so glad to be here where I belong instead of chasing chickens around a pen feeling mean.

Hello everyone! Sorry I've been MIA. I said I wasn't going to post anymore and I don't like going back on my word but @Blueberrybook you don't have to feel bad or guilty or anything at all! Don't worry. We're cool. 😊

Today has been absolutely DIVINE. Everything tastes good, is beautiful and I'm excited because I convinced Husband to take me to see KMFDM in Milwaukee in October. I got all angry. I was all like, "We're going to TWO concerts you like, and you wouldn't even drive me three hours to Chicago to see Sleep Token driving me to the point where my mania brain was willing to fly ALL THE WAY TO EUROPE to see them and empty out my retirement fund!!!!!"

Lol. Anyway, I thought I was censoring my hypersexual posts. I could have been MUCH MUCH more raunchy and graphic. I never once said sex, sucking ****, etc. This is the strangest hypomanic episode I've ever had. I've never had one quite like it. All I can think about are things that are too tmi to mention anymore and Sleep Token. I spent ALL DAY yesterday listening to all their albums straight through and following along with the lyrics to the songs and typing out the lyrics that touched me the most. Apparently I talk about Sleep Token all the time. This morning I was like, "I DO NOT talk about Sleep Token all the time!" and Husband and Daughter just looked at each other and laughed and were like, "Um, yes you do." And then they spent a good half hour making fun of the band and Vessel and saying I probably wanted a full body Vessel pillow, etc. Lol. Husband and Daughter are funny. 😁

I'm also excited because Saturday night Husband and I are going to a concert downtown and having a date night. It's going to be a night of LOVE. The other day (after a love encounter.... sorry) he said, "What, are we 20 again?!" Haha.

Daughter and I are getting matching bi pride shirts with the bi flag colors that say "can't think straight". Hahaha. I know pride month is over and we're just a little late to the party, but oh well. It's pride month year round around here.

I'm ALSO excited (sorry. I'm kind of excited right now 😊 ) because on Wednesday I get "paid" (aka get my SSDI check) and I'm getting Sleep Token merch. Also plan on getting a Sleep Token tattoo. Haven't decided the design yet, but I want the lyrics: the night belongs to you.

I've also been saying things today that haven't been coming out right. Like in the morning I told Husband and Daughter, "I don't love you more than Sleep Token." And at the park tonight I said, "He's still hot. I don't give a **** if he beats women." Obviously those things were NOT what I meant to say! Lol.

What else?

Oh, and I'm weaning myself off seroquel. I cut my dose in half (from 400mg to 200mg). It makes me so fat and thirsty!!!! I've been gaining, on average, five pounds every six weeks. At this rate I'll be in one of those scooters fat people ride by around this time next year. Ugh. I'm going to ask Dr. A at my first appointment with her if I can try latuda. I think I'm just going to have to because this weight gain is starting to scare me!!!!

Think that's all.

I'll shut up now. 😊

Looking forward to a nice night with Husband after Daughter goes to bed and some love. ❤️

Everyone have a nice night! Keep cool! Love you all. ❤️