Bipolar Check-in #81

With your daughter in my thoughts @Nammu - hopefully your visit with her today goes well.

Kind of a productive day - didn't make as much money as I would have liked but its better than nothing. Dad's laptop came and I set it up, it's really nice, I know he'll like it for his birthday.

Other than that, just stood around lazing. Want to read my book more than anything and do nothing. I feel like I don't do nothing enough, and I kind of just miss that. I think I need more self-care in my life. Maybe a nice bubble bath with my book would be a nice thing, just can't drop the book in the tub!! LOL.

@JaneOnceMore

🫂 ❤️ You're in my thoughts.

Now I'm in a really good mood. I'm about to have my stupid period and always get PMS up to a week beforehand. Boohoo.

Our poor cat, Miss Stella, has itchy bumps on her head, neck, back and behind her ears. We made a vet appointment for her, but the soonest we could get her in was the 26th unfortunately. Poor cat. She's so itchy! We don't know what it is. Our other cat isn't itchy and doesn't have any bumps.

@MuddyBoots, I think you should try to foster a relationship with your mother.

You might have to overlook a few things, and maybe not take on the role of devil's advocate with her. There are other ways to have a conversation and explore a topic.

You may have to work on reframing your thoughts about the noises that bother you. Think about times you heard the threatening sounds and ask whether things were alright at the time - you could be associating something from the past in the present.

Maybe start by spending a night a week at her house. That way you both can get ready mentally for it and know that it's only for the night. Then maybe spend the day with her, and enjoy each other's company. I'm sure she would appreciate that, even if you had a rocky relationship with her in the past.

Well I'm at work early. I always am one of the first ones here. It's because of parking. We run short of parking space and then some staff have to park by the doctor's office and walk to school from there. I prefer to be right here.

I'm feeling anxious. Whilst I don't have my absolutely horrendous class today, I do have 2 difficult ones.

Yesterday I emailed the principal about my application / expression of interest in being a Y7 coordinator. If I get the role it means no more Year 8s. Yay me. But I'm not positive of the outcome. I spoke to him a month ago and he said let's review your expression of interest in a month. When I went to speak to him on Monday morning, he said he'd send me a calendar invite when we're both "free". He didn't send one so I sent him an email yesterday with my availability yesterday and today and he didn't reply. If I don't get a response by tomorrow I'll bypass him and set up a meeting with the principal next week to ask.

I don't like that my principal doesn't have an open door policy. My old principal used to. You could walk in any time with a problem. Now you need to set up appointments to catch him and even that can be difficult.

Okay I'll update later with how my day is progressing.

Have a good one all!

I tried a few techniques my T suggested in the morning and i think I did a pretty good job of lowering my anxiety.

I then went to the gym and had a good workout, and I managed to kind of keep my anxiety in check. Oddly, when I was working out on my own, my anxiety went way up and I couldn't get a handle on it.

Later in the afternoon I had to go shopping, something that causes a lot of anxiety for me. It's just groceries, but I have a hard time with it. The anxiety got away from me and I broke into a cold sweat with a racing heart. I calmed down after I got back home.

So a good start to the day with the anxiety but not a great end. It's ok. I think I made progress, even if it was just a bit.

I'm still depressed but maybe that'll improve as I get better at managing my anxiety.

We have a family meeting tomorrow with a case manager to see how they can help. I decided that Victoria would need help if/when she moves out. We need help, at least I do. So we'll see how they can help. Today our 20th anniversary. We went out to dinner the other night. I cut his hair finally. I have to borrow money for groceries tomorrow. I got an offer to be part of a research group for Clozapine or whatever it called. The one that requires blood work weekly.

@Victoria'smom
Congratulations on your anniversary!

I tried these gummies called Olly Stress thinking they would help me out a bit in addtion to my valium. That stuff completely knocked me out almost immediatly from 3:30 to 7 tonight. I mean, I do feel less stressed at least and I kept a couple sodas down. Maybe its something that I just need to get used to.

And that smell was the cats

I'm feeling better than yesterday. I cancelled with my doctor. It's too risky to mess with my meds. Life is bearable. Sometimes i enjoy myself. I've rediscovered this radio station i like, so i'm having fun with that. I love the Foo Fighters song "The Glass." I'm disappointed that i don't like videogames, but at least i gave them a try. I did some chores today and took my dog out, so i got a few things done. I guess i just needed to complain yesterday. Thanks, guys!

@Crazy Hitch:

Your work sounds so stressful! I've taken courses as an adult and one of the teachers said she much prefers teaching adults to teaching kids. It's because the adults WANT to be there, she said. Is making a change to adult teaching an option for you?

Hugs to all!

I would love to get away from where I currently am but for me to get in to adult teaching would require further studies and I don’t think I’m ready to do that just yet …

I’m feeling so defeated.

I set up a meeting today with the principal to get more clarity on my expression of interest in a coordinator role. And basically there’s no need for it anymore but there was 2 months ago. It’s confusing because the Year 7s are a coordinator short. They should have 2 but they only have one.

This is such a blow. It means I’m stuck with my horrendous Year 8 class until the rest of the year!!!! The end of December. I’m torn. It’s not like I can quit my job we need the income. I really hate this guys.

its freeeeeeeeezing at work today! OMG!!!

@Crazy Hitch
I'm so sorry about your work situation. Teaching teenagers is terribly difficult. ((((HUGS))))

My life is pretty much same old, same old. Stable but boring. Did a walk/jog this morning, showered, had breakfast. I'm about to get my daughter up for school. She goes to school online (has since the pandemic), so she's at home all day and at least has a lot of flexibility with her classes; if she doesn't make the live online lessons they are recorded and she can watch the recording, but I prefer her to be on a schedule and make the live lessons; however, she is a night owl and SO hard to wake in the morning.

So I got done talking to the caseworker. I find out tomorrow if I'm accepted.

@JaneOnceMore
I don't really like video games either. If you have a tablet though, I really like the app Happy Color; you just color pictures in it, no rules or anything to learn. It's free; I've got it on my iPad, but my mom has it on an android device too, and she likes it as well. Not as much fun on a phone but doable. I find it very relaxing especially if you listen to music while playing the app.

Oh good grief. Got an automated call from the pharmacy; I have 5 prescriptions ready. I just went last week for a prescription. I really wish they would all refill at the same time. I'm sick of going there.

I have the color app on my phone. It is relaxing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook Oh good grief. Got an automated call from the pharmacy; I have 5 prescriptions ready. I just went last week for a prescription. I really wish they would all refill at the same time. I'm sick of going there.

This, this and this some more!!! @Blueberrybook - I was JUST talking about this two weeks ago. I take SO many trips to the pharmacy, I absolutely hate it. I empathize with you.

Today is an anxious day - I don't suffer from anxiety at all, (or maybe I do, and just don't notice it), but I had two nails in my front tires this morning which made me two hours late to work. My boss goes "if there is no one there to open the store we get charged $50 every half hour its closed" I'm just thinking, what if I was sick? You mean to tell me there is NO back-up if something happens to me? UGH. The worst part is I feel so guilty and anxious my stomach is so upset right now. : (

I am dealing with a lot of guilt. Feeling punished like I deserve to feel bad. I have a sinking anxious feeling, and I don't like it. I suppose it could be a lot worse, the tires could have been completely flat this morning and AAA would have to get involved and I would have been even MORE late. I just feel really bad so much is resting on my shoulders.

I think I was taking too much vitamin D. Because I stopped it yesterday or something and my stomach has been decent ever since. Idk if I had toxicity or something. I was taking 2000 a day for awhile.

I saw my GI doctor today. He was totally validating. He was understanding that I went back on my old stomach med. He increased it to twice a day. He said that should help heal my ulcers and upper GI inflamattion faster. He said to call back in 2 months if things have improved because he doesn't want me on this dose forever. He refilled my zofran too.

But yeah it was a good appointment. Unlike my normal hospital where my other doctors are, I left feeling listened to

I paid $15 for a meal at Mcdonalds becauae they had these collectors cups that were supposed to be like the ones from the 70s. I didn't want or eat much of the food. But the glass is like this plastic dollar store cup. Eh at least I got a Grimace one and not a Barbie one.

I feel like I dress too young sometimes. Today I had on a T shirt, cargo shorts, and Nike dunks. I don't really know how a 31 year old dresses. I look at pictures of Elliot Page or Gottmik and they wear designer brands. Idk.

I swear the mormons keep coming to my house because they see my black cat sitting on the windowsill.

I don't know where else to post this...



Do I just have to deal with it and finally tell the doctor?

Sorry if this is tmi. But I just needed to ask.

Ok so I told my mom. Without all the extra details.

Still so pissed at my Pdoc for calling my husband

So happy I’m not inpatient tinight

Couple of things.

Hope this helps. Maybe a warm bath?

My counseling appointment went alright yesterday. I'm thinking I might be in a phase of life where it would actually be better for me to take a break from counseling.

I saw a neurologist today for a second opinion about POTs. He apologized for the last neurologist I saw and is willing to try to help me out. He also suggested I see a cardiologist and try to get into the Mayo clinic that's where I live. I have an HMO insurance plan so I have a feeling Mayo isn't an option. I am grateful he listened to me and trusted what my PCP thought.

The neurologist prescribed a med that can help with POTs symptoms but, when I got home, I discovered a corticosteroid. I messaged my pdoc about this since prednisone caused hypomanic symptoms. My pdoc said, if I feel the POTs symptoms need the med, I can "judiciously" start them and that we would probably be able to treat any bipolar symptoms by increasing my meds. It's been so nice being bipolar symptoms free, but it's hard to teach when standing makes you feel light headed. I have to decide if the risk of bipolar symptoms is worth the possible reward of diminished POTs symptoms.

I watched a Netflix comedy special by Tom Papa called "You're Doing Great!" It's about how hard life is and how we are all flawed and it's all okay because we are getting thru it. It was a good message for me to hear.

Otherwise, today was the same as yesterday, and i feel weary. I took a shower -- i guess that was an accomplishment. Listening to music was disappointing this evening. I listened to Eminem's new song "Houdini" several times but it's just hollow rap. I like a really emotional Eminem song called "Spacebound" but i guess it's not typical of his work. He's clever tho.

I don't know why i keep living with such an empty life. I guess i am just living by default. My heart beats, i breathe in and out. It's involuntary. There's nothing i can do about it, so i'll just tolerate it as best i can. Make the minimum effort so i don't get angry when i don't get anything back.

I don't know how to start an new post!

I would like to know from people if anyone has a solution for me. I get so frustrated when I get robo voices when I call corporations, that I SCREAM at the top of my lungs! I scream at the robo; I don't scream at people on the phone. But I get so terribly, terribly upset, and these abusive phone systems ruin my entire day! How do I not scream? It ruins my voice to scream like that. I don't want to scream. But I can't stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't play my musical instruments, because I have to stay on the phone a long time to get an agent, and I have to answer their repeated robo questions. I need something important, such as that my system that I subscribe to is not working, etc. At some point, I can get through the robo voices by saying "AgentAgentAgent" about 30 times! And then I get an agent of the corporation. But that's after a long, long series of robo voices. This terrible corporation doesn't even have live chat anymore!!!!!!!!! It's automatic chat now! Live chat was fine. But this corporation is so ABUSIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The good news is that I punished the corporation that gives me these fits, by firing them. I also reported them to the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) for abuse of the public airwaves. I subscribed to another corporation, and my nephew says he's had that other corporation for years, and is very happy with it. But it took over 2 hours of my day to subscribe to the new corporation, and it would not take my debit card for payment, so I have to apply for a credit card to pay for its services.