Bipolar Check-in #81

I don't want to jinx it but I've been doing better in terms of panic attacks and dissociation lately. There have been 2 times in the past week and a half where I felt dissociationa and panic coming on but I managed to stop it in it's tracks by using grounding techniques and meditating and distraction like with games or tv shows or reading or doing household tasks like dishes, laundry, cleaning in general. And using mindfulness by not letting my thoughts float off into future worries or the past. So I'm happy about that. Also I'm a lot less irritable lately. And my relationship is going well, we've been together for a whole year and 4 months now. That's the longest relationship I've ever been in. I've stopped "splitting" on him mentally (I have bipolar disorder but also a history of BPD). I still do sometimes but I don't act on it or say anything impulsively to cause problems like I used to. Like a lot of the time I'd split and get angry for no reason and irritable and decide I'd want nothing to do with him and want to break up and be alone but I stopped acting on those impulses. Which has been hard because I'm a very impulsive person and I tend to say things and make decisions and act without thinking things through logically, all emotion mind. But it's important to learn not to do that because I don't want to ruin something that's been so amazing.

So that's good. I have less mood swings too. I'm generally pretty level now in terms of mood. Sometimes I feel euphoric but it's not as long lasting or damaging like when I'd get manic. I rarely ever get depressed anymore, and when I do it's not severe. I don't anymore ever. I'm sleeping better, as in I'm actually sleeping and not up for 24-40 hours at a time. Or only sleeping 3-4 hours a night.

I'm completely recovered from my eating disorder I struggled with for over 10 years.

My med changes a few months ago helped a lot. I was very manic and heading into psychosis at the time, which the substance use (THC) made worse and escalated it faster.

Meditation and mindfulness help me so much. And sleep.

I'm doing good. Now I'm working on creating a social life

@raspberrytorte & @Lady Shadow
Sorry about the irritation and anger you are having. When I get that way, everyone is in my warpath, and it's not pretty. raspberry, sometimes you can get PMS type symptoms around ovulation, I have, noticed it in the past when I was trying to conceive. I wouldn't doubt that gets worse as you get older too.

HUGS to all the rest of you struggling.

My period is due soon, but I hope it holds off b/c I have a gyn. appt. Aug. 12, and my ob/gyn is one of the top in the area now (back when he delivered my daughter he was just starting out, but I knew even then that he was really good). Now, it's hard to get an appt. soon enough that I can predict my period b/c my period sometimes comes every 27, 28 days and sometimes a week or so later and I have a lot of spotting which isn't great for the pap smear.

I had an appt. with my pdoc this morning. No med changes, come back in 2 weeks. Ugh, I wish he would have given me a month and told him so, but he said not this time, maybe next time if all goes well. Grr, the person in front of me when I was checking in got to make his next appt. in 3 months not 2 weeks.

I'm dealing with washing machine issues today. I can wash my clothes but have to be there until the machine fills up and manually move it so it will agitate. And since it fills up in the beginning and the middle of the wash, I can't stray too far or the machine will overflow again. All of my towels are soaked, rag towels too (and I have a LOT of rag towels). If I get everything washed & dried today, it will be a miracle.

The washing machine issue has got my anexiety & panic very high; it's a miracle I managed to drive myself to the pdoc this AM and home again. It was really hard to concentrate on just breathing, reminding myself it was only a panic attack and I was NOT dying. I'm going to make some chamomile tea after posting this. I need to calm down. If the tea doesn't help, I can take an extra hydroxyzine prn and I do have 25 mg Seroquel I could take after lunch (the Seroquel is not prescribed but It was prescribed when I took this same general basic of medication so it will be OK, I've done it before). I shouldn't do that for the low dose Seroquel, but if I can't get clonazepam for panic attacks, I need something, and the pdoc doesn't want to prescribe any more medication for me than what I'm on now.

I think you confused me with/tagged the wrong person @Blueberrybook , I never made a post saying that I was feeling irritable

@Blue_Bird
Sorry about that, you're right. I was trying to hurry to beat my washing machine before it overflowed and prompt it to the agitate sequence. I edited it now

@LadyShadow

Damn it! They don't have a location in Wisconsin! If they did I would seriously go! I was raving this morning at the breakfast table and my rave went something like this, "I HATE GETTING OLD! I'M OLD. I'M WRINKLY. I'M UGLY NOW. I'M FAT. I HAVE PRE-MENOPAUSAL SYMPTOMS!!!!!! I CAN'T SLEEP!" And then I started crying and Husband said something along the lines of "buck up chap" and I gave him my intense death stare, which Daughter thought was really funny. Then I got really pissed about something happening in a book Daughter and I are reading together and I screamed and shook the kitchen table and slammed it with my fists and scared our cats.

I think Daughter and Husband were finding me melodramatic and entertaining, but whatever.

I am a MESS.

Right now they're taking a walk through nature somewhere. I haven't even showered yet. I'm too pissed to shower. I'm sure once they get back they're both going to heckle me about getting my BIG FAT *** in the shower. Omg. What is WRONG with me. I FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING MY MIND.

@Blueberrybook

If this means I'm ovulating I better stay away from Husband until I stop PMSing. Except I normally START PMSing a week before my period. I USED to anyway... I don't really know what the hell my body is doing anymore!!!! My periods are weird (excruciatingly painful, lasting SEVEN FCKING DAYS when they used to last three!). My moods are off. I want to cry and scream at the same time. I'm hornier than I was when I was twenty. I'M TURNING FORTY-TWO.

FUUUUUUUKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@raspberrytorte
Sorry about your moods lately. I hope things start to improve with you.

Oh, geez...H says I'm pretty manicky sounding, it's no wonder pdoc wants me back in only 2 weeks.

I've had a hard time reading too

Can stress make you hypomanicky? I really thought I was calming down...and I am compared to when I was really bad last month, but I'd really thought I'd gotten stable. But I'm pretty stressed out too. Is stress making my situation worse?

I feel like I want to jump out of my skin.

@Blueberrybook I can sound hypomanicky when I'm stressed. A few weeks ago my therapist was even a little concerned I was heading up because my rate of speech was faster but really it was that I was under a ton of stress and once I got it all out I slowed back down. I can also have that last longer that the few minutes with the therapist.

I think things need to be there for a few days to really know what's there, especially when there is extra stress like your washing machine situation.

I just napped all day. My stomach is fine for once but the rash still sucks. My anxiety was high but I think its ok now. I'm getting some chicken noodle soup from Panera.

@Blueberrybook

I don't know if stress can make you manic sounding, but I just wanted to say that your washing machine situation seems like a huge pain in the ***. That type of thing would really piss me off. If I was you I'd be DESTROYING my washing machine!!!!!! Don't be stressed... be pissed! 😠

Oh, I'm PISSED too! I had a pretty vocal argument with H about why can't we buy a new washing machine, this piece of crap is ALWAYS breaking down. And he goes, we already had a $1000 car repair bill and expensive vision and contacts/glasses bills this month and he doesn't get paid this next month b/c he won't have taught classes last month, so we have to save money. And I'm like but we have enough for a new machine and he's like we never know when we'll have another car repair bill or the mechanic won't be able to fix our cars, or there's a medical emergency, or I'm back in the psych hospital. Pretty much no winning this argument. H ordered a part he thinks MAY fix the washing machine, and of course, that won't even be here for 2 weeks. 2 more weeks of THIS F*CKING broken machine is going to KILL me!

I really need a chill pill. Man, I'm feeling like I need a scream room too where I can yell & pound on the walls and knock them down, I'm SO agitated!

@Blueberrybook

I'd be happy to destroy your washing machine for you.

😈 😈

Heh, heh, heh @raspberrytorte, I just might take you up on that!

My stomach has been fine all day. I think the ulcers are finally healing. I got some anti itch spray for the rash. My mom sprayed it on me and she was like take off your shirt. A bit of gender euphoria there. It does seem to be helping. Idk what kind of virus the NP meant. I'm always careful so I don't think its anything to worry about although I do want to get my hematrcrit looked at since itchy red skin can be a sign of it.

We can all destroy the washing machine together!!! @raspberrytorte @Blueberrybook - I'll bring hammers for everyone!!! LOLOOL

I am so sorry they don't have rage rooms in your state @raspberrytorte what a shame! I need to go and check it out one day though!

Just overly anxious over this storm coming and if my area will get flooded. Just nerves on edge. But I am having a good night, my friend got his present that I sent of the stuff I got him from Galaxy Con - he loved it!!

Today was just crazy, worked in between BOTH my jobs today while going out and getting supplies to prepare for this storm - I swear I was about to jump out of my skin.

Congratulations @Blue_Bird with all of your success - I have also calmed down a lot in my reactions with my boyfriend, but I still get angry so quickly!! The one thing I did do was not call him when I am fuming, it saves me from saying something I'll just regret.

There is a light rain now, but bracing for the worst during the next two days. Going watch a movie then go to bed. Hope everyone has a great night!!

First day of school went well but I sure don't feel good after it. I sure hope some sleep helps. I may need to make myself sit more tomorrow than I did today too. The possibility of getting IV fluids is on pause until I see what the neurologist says next week so I'm just going to have to manage as much as I can on my own. My fluid/electrolyte intake has had to increase a ton since going back to work so I'm still really hoping I can get IV fluids one way or another.

I had a follow-up appointment with my gynecologist to see how birth control was going/if it was helping my mood like the goal was. I told her the med got me to remission but there is a side effect that just isn't going away. It's possible my body just needs more time to adjust to the med, but I'm not sure the alternatives she mentioned would be worth it. They don't regulate hormones in the same way the med/plan I'm on does and it's the hormone fluctuations that cause symptoms. I'm pretty frustrated and disappointed about all of this.

I'm kinda feeling crappy today. I still have the rash that hurts and my stomach is bothering me a lot. My nephews and niece are here all day and I just want to go out and get vegetables and salads and twice baked potatos but I can't.

Rough night and even rougher morning. Extreme tornado warnings in my area all morning and for the next 30 minutes. Just really afraid but have to keep myself as busy as I can. Going to try and work from home today as this crazy storm rages outside my window. Another one is developing in the Atlantic as this one is passing. Just a really crazy time of year. Earthquake in California and a really bad one in Japan causing a crazy tsunami. The world is just nuts.

I hope everyone is having a good start to their Thursday and staying safe. I am a mix of emotions because I had almost no sleep last night - the most I think I got was two hours, but it was a completely broken sleep. Just hate living alone during scary times.

Emotional, weepy day. My birthday is looming ahead of me and I just feel old and fat and wrinkled and ugly and like half my life is overwith. I know it's stupid. So far my forties have been great! I published a book, Daughter is at a great age, Husband and I have never been closer (or spicier! 😉 🌶 ), and I've been getting great submissions for the ezine! We've been doing a lot of things as a family and Daughter and I are getting closer.

I just want to lay in bed all day and cry. I don't know what's wrong with me! I was perfectly fine on Monday when I saw my therapist. I mean I was moody and irritable, but now I'm just overcome with weepy emotions! And now it just seems for seemingly no reason really.

I have to see my doctor. Not that she can do much. It's like I'm on birth control (that made me PMS the entire month! It was awful!) but I'm not.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

😭 😭 😭

@LadyShadow

You'll be okay. Just take deep breaths. Text people so you feel connected and not so alone. 🫂 ❤️

@raspberrytorte have you looked into Seasonale birth control? You only get your period 4 times a year so you only PMS 4 times a year. Its good stuff.

When I was on it before I would sometimes skip the week before to get to my period faster so I wouldn't deal with PMS at all.

I’m an anxious mess right now. My sister was after me to buy a new car with the money i inherited from mum. But I’ve been too nervous to spend that much. Then yesterday when I took my car to the dealership to get updates. I asked to see a car the had on their website. A year old certified car still under full warranty. I got it! It’s not brand new but it’s got less than 6000 miles on it and it was a top line model for less than the price of a cheaper brand new model. Plus I don’t lose the depreciation the minute I drive off the lot. Even though it was a great deal it’s so much money for me to spend. I liked having that pile of money in the bank. It was a security blanket. It’s nice having a car that’s going to last me until I’m too old to drive, but gosh, so much money.

Met my sister and bil at the fair. Only took my cane not the walker. Oof. That was a mistake. Too much walking my back it now protesting and I’m ready for a nap

CEO and CFO were at my work for a live CEO chat session today. we were "strongly encouraged to attend." i ended up being right beside where he sat. uh 120 people were watching us live as he gave updates to our non profit i work for. we are a CCBHC in the US. we are apparently opening a crisis stabilization unit downtown and i am interested inworking there after school. im doing my practicum in a couple weeks at a CSU for another nonprofit. i wanna do the inpatient type stuff without going to a hospital.

anyway it was awkward. i offered him to join us for pizza afterwards lol

I texted my case manager a link yesterday about antipsychotics being linked to cataracts. I found out Tuesday that I have them! But cm hasn’t responded yesterday or today! She always responds to my texts! Should I be worried?

My mom and I had a conversation on the phone about my finances. She’s coming over tomorrow to go through all my bills I pay either monthly or yearly and try to organize things. I pay my bill on time but this latest manic episode really threw them into disarray. We are going to write them all down. I usually pay all my bills through apps or they are set on automatic withdrawal. Plus I had to get new glasses yesterday so now I’m really broke. But at least my bills are paid!

My Chicago friend is coming to see me the day after tomorrow. Haven’t seen him since we went on our trip back in May. We talk every day on the phone but it’s not the same as in person.

Noah’s gpa went up after the summer semester of all As! If he can keep it up he may have a chance of getting into university of Michigan’s engineering program!

Started my new book last night. So far it’s good. It’s about a psychiatrist who is experimenting on a small group of mentally ill patients. She’s giving them ketamine and MDMA at the same time in a controlled environment! Of course things are going to go wrong! I love Daniel Kala’s books! This is his newest book. It just came out the end of May.

Things are much better.

Anxiety is still high but it's more manageable.

I had a very insightful session with my T today. Things make more sense. I have a way to cope and look at my anxiety, but it'll take time for the actions I take to make a difference. So there's hope that things can improve - slowly, but improve.

I'm thinking of stopping Prozac on my own. I won't see my pdoc until some time in September and I'm not convinced that it is making any difference. I've been on it for years. If I stop it, I would only be in Remeron.

I'm thinking I'll start by taking it every third day for a month and then every fifth day for the next month, etc. A little aggressive but I think that'll keep the withdrawals at bay.

So exhausted, but I know I am going to sleep good tonight hopefully. This storm is so slow moving and dumping so much rain and we are still under severe tornado watches till 8pm tomorrow. : (

Just buried myself in work today to try and get my mind off of things because my boyfriend has a family member in the hospital, and I am worried about him. Just a lot of stress today and just raining and gloomy and stormy, its moving so SLOW and causing so much havoc. Just so tired too.

I understand @raspberrytorte - I get the emotions; trust me I do. After the anger, then the tears start. That's just the order of events lol. I KNOW! I hope you get your finances sorted out @Moose72 - I know all about the spending too, it's one of my vices as well, sometimes I don't think it's even bipolar I think it's just being a New Yorker, lol.

Anyway, hope everyone is having a good day - it's going to be a long, quiet weekend for me, stress-free and hopefully with a little sunshine! It's literally been raining forever now, ugh, come on! Maybe if I think hard enough about the sun it will come out!!