Bipolar Check-in #81

Blueberrybook · Aug 09, 2024, 04:34 PM

@MuddyBoots
Glad to hear you're doing better. You sound like you are doing a lot better.

@LadyShadow
What a great picture! You are beautiful

HALLIEBETH87 · Aug 09, 2024, 06:51 PM

woo hoo! its the weekend! also i got a nice scholarship from my school for the fall!

BeyondtheRainbow · Aug 09, 2024, 06:58 PM

Congratulations @HALLIEBETH87 !!!!!

Moose72 · 08:02 PM

Possible trigger:

I'm doing well on the increase in risperdal. I was still spending too much money from my latest manic episode! So the glasses were the rest of the cash I had! The risperdal has helped a bit with my manic over spending. And just when I had all my bills paid and my credit cards paid off my car broke today! I was sitting with the car on and the a/c running parked at Tim Hortons when I heard funny noises. When I tried to restart the car all the dashboard lights began flashing and the ignition made a crunchy noise! Called Kevin who met me there. Called AAA who said it was the battery so we got a new battery and we're on our way until on the way home I noticed that the dashboard light for battery was lit up! So I drove the rest of the rest of the way home (not far) and called AAA again. This time they sent a tow truck who towed my car to a shop that our family uses. We're thinking it's the alternator since the old battery was drained quite a bit too. So I get to pick it up tomorrow morning and hope that's what the problem is!

Monday I see my therapist for the third time. We'll be talking about my dad again as I talked for 21/2 hours combined to my sister and my mom last evening about my dad. Stuff I didn't know. He was living this double life- drunk prostitute visiting drug doing alcoholic dad who kicked our cat so hard he broke her leg he lied- he was good at lying!-and said she ran under a car and broke her leg! So there's the good memories- like trimming the Christmas tree with the muppets Christmas album playing- and the bad memories and I can't reconcile the two.. so I am not going to be short on things to talk about with my therapist! My sister says she can't remember anything about living in a house we moved into when she was 4. Age 4-8 memories erased! It's to bad because I have many fond memories of living there.

Moose72 · Aug 09, 2024, 08:38 PM

Feeling anxious. Had been feeling good. Maybe its all these bad memories about my dad.

BeyondtheRainbow · Aug 09, 2024, 08:51 PM

Sad tonight. Every year my mom and I take my nieces on a trip. We were supposed to leave Sunday. Both girls are sick. My sister took one to the doctor today. Her COVID test was negative but they're pretty sure she has it and is too early into it to test. A decision has to be made as early as possible tomorrow because I'm supposed to board my cat and will need to cancel. Things don't look good at all for our trip. I feel so bad for my nieces. The older one is really sick with a high fever. The younger is probably going to be that sick tomorrow. And it's hard to take off on a long car ride (at the furthest we'll be 10 hours from home) when the younger one could still get really sick if she's not tomorrow and the older one is better in the morning.

I just feel like we should cancel now but I understand why we're waiting and hoping for a miracle. I just know that if it's COVID even if they feel ok tomorrow they may feel bad on the trip and that's no good.

We can always do the trip next year.

Manarinorange · Aug 10, 2024, 02:02 AM

@raspberrytorte you shouldn't call yourself a loser and other put downs. It will get you nowhere! I haven't stopped vaping and I'll be 50 at the end of August.

I just have too much going on. I might get the gum and see of that halts the craving some so I don't have to vape as much. Tobacco is very hard to stop! 💕💕💕

Mountaindewed · 06:54 AM

My doctor called back yesterday and said to go to the labs for a full blood count test. She thinks something is up. So I went. Then I fell asleep basically all afternoon and night. I slept on 3mg of melatonin.

But man is my skin itching and burning like crazy right now.

I took a shower which kinda helped the itching. I put on my glasses which seems to have helped my stomach and anxiety a lot.

raspberrytorte · Aug 10, 2024, 10:28 AM

@Manarinorange

Thanks. 😊 I was kind of having a bad day. I feel better today. I've cut my vaping down to one ecig a week and am saving up twenty dollars each week and putting it in my savings account for a Sleep Token tattoo. 🖤 🫶 So I'm doing better. Nicotine is SO hard to quit. It feels like your fukking FACE is melting off!!!! It's awful! I can't stand nicotine withdrawal.

@Moose72

Sorry to hear about your car. That really sucks.

@MuddyBoots

You sound MUCH better. Happy you're back!

MuddyBoots · Aug 10, 2024, 10:54 AM

I'm at the library waiting to meet with my CM. She wants me to check in with the team frequently for a bit. I swear to fking god I need to keep avoiding these people though. I'm going to turn it on them and fk with THEM!

LadyShadow · Aug 10, 2024, 11:30 AM

Had a really short sleep last night. Must have done like 4 hours. Got back into my old ways of hanging out in chatrooms and speaking with deplorables that I used to do years ago. Also, did a crazy thing and went back into my thread history on this site and saw what I used to post about and how much I have changed over the years, it was SHOCKING! Have you guys ever looked back at your thread or post history? It was very interesting to me, to say the least.

Anyway, today feels like a good day despite the lack of sleep. Down to my final Lithium pill I will ever take, woohoo! I have been on Lithium for SO LONG, it feels so good that my doctor finally discontinued it because she thinks the 2mg of Risperidone each night will handle any bipolarness I have, which I am so grateful. More grateful that I am saying goodbye to this Lithium for good, I have been on it for nearly 10 years consistently.

Going to clean, clean, clean today - clean out my closet with some of my ex's stuff and unnecessary stuff from when I was homeless cause I really don't need to see that crap anymore, and just organize my house. Saw a thread I am going to resurrect about cleaning your house too - I think it will be fun to keep track again.

Hope everyone has a fantastic Saturday! It is sunny and blue skies here - storm finally gone, and it's a bright new day.

HALLIEBETH87 · Aug 10, 2024, 11:32 AM

Yes I have looked back and my old stuff is kinda sad as i was very sick

MuddyBoots · Aug 10, 2024, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

Had a really short sleep last night. Must have done like 4 hours. Got back into my old ways of hanging out in chatrooms and speaking with deplorables that I used to do years ago. Also, did a crazy thing and went back into my thread history on this site and saw what I used to post about and how much I have changed over the years, it was SHOCKING! Have you guys ever looked back at your thread or post history? It was very interesting to me, to say the least. ...

Alllllright, I just did out of curiosity. I should probably not drink. I don't think I've even had lemon peppers

can I just say thank you for motivating me to look back (even without intent)? I may work better with treatment team now than I have the past month or so. I get quite out of it clearly, and I know I'm still in and out of it.

Glad you're feeling good about getting off that Li

I still think that person I was "posting for" for lack of better wording, is watching every move I make though. I realize this sounds delusional, and some of my delusions I can think my way into knowing they're not real but still feel they're true so it's a bit easier not to get as upset, but this is not one of those, and I most certain know I'm typing this, and that in itself makes me think it's real because every objective fact I have doubts over because who tf knows if our brain actually knows and is capable of discovering and following an impeccable logical sequence. Yes, it has been proven that A=A but it has been proven by a human mind so is it really? Maybe the movement of the universe prohibits there being more than one solid thing at any given moment and everything is always in flux...and when I mean everything I mean EVERYTHING. My backpack next to me? "Hasn't changed" or moved or anything from my perspective, but is it the same? I'll still call it my backpack and won't say it's moved, but is that right beyond practicality?

Blueberrybook · Aug 10, 2024, 12:42 PM

Doing OK today. My mood is still good, sleep still good. Went for a walk/jog this morning, and then I've been lazy, watching TV.

@MuddyBoots
I've had that thing where you feel like reality is not reality. When that happened to me, it was weird b/c I knew in my mind what reality was, but it didn't feel at all like I was living in reality. H took me to the hospital ER, but the wait was so long, we ended up just coming back home. Luckily, by the next day, I was fine, but I really think for me, it might have just been a med mixup. I've had it since then, but the duration was a lot less longer, like 5 or 10 min. at a time. It wasn't the greatest, but at least it passed quickly.

I hope you can get some help somewhere. Does your pdoc have a number you can call after hours for the weekend? IDK, maybe he'd prescribe you an AP?

Scooter9 · Aug 10, 2024, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

...everything is always in flux...and when I mean everything I mean EVERYTHING. My backpack next to me? "Hasn't changed" or moved or anything from my perspective, but is it the same? I'll still call it my backpack and won't say it's moved, but is that right beyond practicality?

Muddy, it depends on your frame of reference. If your frame of reference is at the atomic level then you're right, the backpack and everything else is always in flux and we have the physics to back up this concept.

But if your frame of reference is at your own level then the backpack remains a backpack because we are looking at it based on that frame of reference. So in other words, the backpack is and always will be a backpack because the scale if your frame of reference is at that level.

If you look at bigger frames of reference, or maybe the frame of reference from the point of view of a photon of light traveling through space, then things will change significantly.

So it's all relative as Einstein would say.

So to keep yourself sane, stick to one frame of reference - your own - and only sometimes go to other frames when you feel up to it.

Frame of reference - Wikipedia

Scooter9 · Aug 10, 2024, 02:12 PM

Thank you @raspberrytorte and @Blueberrybook for your well wishes

The technique my T suggested is kind of like exposure therapy where you get used to something a little bit each time you are exposed to it (like crowds, heights, etc). So it'll take a while to start working but there's a bit of progress each time.

I tried the technique yesterday - it was my first try but it seemed to help reframe the source of my anxiety. Of course I was still anxious but I had another way of looking at why I was anxious in the first place.

Mountaindewed · 08:34 PM

I am finally facing my uncle and aunt after avoiding them all year because of my weight gain. They don't care and aren't paying attention. They are just happy to see me. I'm just hanging out at my aunts today. I went out shopping this morning and I found the viral ghost blanket at Homegoods that has embrorided ghosts on it.

Possible trigger:

I've barely eaten today so I only had one episode after drinking a lemonade

I've still been wearing my glasses which is helping a lot with my nausea. I went out to a lot of crowded stores and no one paid much of any attention to me. For some reason my glasses help with my anxiety as well. They are these thick framed black ones I got from Zennis for less then $10.

My mom said glasses for men are in now ever since that olympian guy who is hard of seeing went viral.

Possible trigger:

we ordered out for dinner. I got the sliders and fries and ate all but one slider. I wasn't hungry to begin with but I didn't want shitpotles or legit mexican but I didn't want to be difficult either

Nammu · Aug 10, 2024, 06:10 PM

I slept pretty good though I don’t recall my dreams. I was antsy and didn’t want to sit and home, so went to my daughter’s house. My sil showed me a few things on my car. Then after just talking for awhile we decided to get Bloody Marys.. I’m getting used to my car though I’m still sort of intimidated by it. Now I’m home and already I’m wanting to go do something. Other than the fair there’s nothing to do here. I’m more and more antsy and having trouble reading.

Moose72 · Aug 10, 2024, 07:22 PM

My car is back and fixed. My mom paid for it!

Blueberrybook · Aug 10, 2024, 07:31 PM

I'm having a really hard time this evening. This afternoon, H decided to replace drywall in the garage ceiling...things aren't going as expected, it's a giant mess and there was all this loose insulation stuff above falling all over the garage floor. It's like a dozen large black trash bags' worth and still more. Then, he was trying to vacuum some of it, and the vacuum cleaner broke. H is frustrated, exhausted, and I'm just on edge, can't settle. I don't like it when things don't go as expected and when H is stressed out and upset.

I'm having a tough time, I guess it's anxiety? I don't know. I really wish I coped better when things go wrong.

Scooter9 · Aug 10, 2024, 08:20 PM

@Blueberrybook, drywall isn't so easy and doing a ceiling is really difficult, especially alone.

I doubt the vacuum is broken - it's probably just clogged from the insulation.

You guys have been through a lot this week so it's understandable that you're on edge. I can relate to you being anxious because things aren't going well for your H - it's the cost of empathy.

If your H can get a helper, it'll make the job a lot easier. I'm not saying you can't help your H with the job, but if he can get someone that's handy that'll help.

June08 · Aug 10, 2024, 08:20 PM

The day sure has gone fast. I didn't get out of bed until after 9 am because I was so fatigued from school starting this week. During school on Friday, it felt like it was taking all the energy I had to not lay down. I then slept for a couple of hours when I got home plus slept for 11 or so hours last night. I'm trying to rest up as much as I can this weekend, but I'd like to get up in the morning to watch the women's basketball gold medal game before Mass. I have my neurologist appointment this week so, honestly so, as long as I can still go to work, I'm okay if I feel awful and have a ton of symptoms. This would help the neurologist see what's up.

I've felt a little moody these last few days. I'm not sure if it's hormones, the fact that I just shoved down the stress of when my car broke down instead of dealing with it, or some combination.

The grocery store had cheese curds today! They aren't as good as getting them fresh in WI, but I sure do miss WI cheese (I grew up there) so it was a nice surprise.

Possible ED trigger

Possible trigger:

My body has been craving fat so I don't think my nutrition has been off. I bought a couple of things to eat this weekend that are higher in fat and tried to be more mindful of my food purchases this week, giving myself permission to focus more on what I need to buy and less on the overall cost.

Moose72 · Aug 10, 2024, 09:12 PM

Caleb came over this afternoon and is spending the night. We’ve had a good day!

BeyondtheRainbow · Aug 10, 2024, 09:16 PM

No vacation for me this year. My nieces are both still sick. They're going to come up for a few day trips in a few days when they feel better.

At least I can enjoy the cooler weather while it's here for a few more days. I do hate that I cancelled my therapy appointment and could have had one more before his surgery. But that's just not how it worked out and it's much better than being 10 hours away and have a kid come down with COVID.

Victoria'smom · Aug 11, 2024, 01:05 AM

Victoria hates me.
My dog hates me.
H doesn't hate me.

I know Victoria is going through a lot she refused medication while I was gone. So now she's just laying in bed won't talk to her psychiatrist. So I don't know. I can restart my meds as they just came in. Anyone have luck with Medicaid paying for the DNA test for psych meds?

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