Bipolar Check-in #81

Good morning, it’s 4.30am here right now. I’m up for the day. I have an apartment inspection today. Those always stress me out even though they always go fine. I just don’t like having random people in my apartment, it makes me anxious.

I’m just enjoying some coffee and music right now before I clean up the apartment some. It’s mostly fine but I have a few small things to do. Other than that I think at 6:30am I’m gonna get on the treadmill then do yoga and my other exercises, weights and squats and yoga.

If the inspection happens early in the day then after it I’m gonna take a walk outside too. They said between 9am and 4pm which is a ridiculously long time range so I have no idea when they’re coming.

I plan on getting a lot of reading done while I wait for the inspection. After they’re done I’m gonna practice violin.

Today I feel numb after the breakdown yesterday. I don't know if I wrote well enough, so that people understood that it was a breakdown.


Am going to try to rest at my sofa under a warm blanket. I don't know what to do about all this, but I do know that I need to sleep now.

Sending good thoughts to all who struggle!

(Remember that mornings start earlier here in Europe than in the USA, 6 or 9 hours depending on where you live.).

Still numb! Too many worries broke me down. I collapsed yesterday. Have no other choices, now, then to be in the here and now with God. He has given me the strength to fix my weekly planner, so there are available time for both the "Sun lamp", for prayers, for recovery work, physical and mental training, for my daily walk and for time to use my massage apparatus on hurtful body parts.

Most of this was already on my plan together with Work, Study, Rest, Amusement and more. The order of the days had to be changed to make place for the "Sun-lamp", the Recovery group and the Massage apparatus (cannot afford physiotherapy). It felt impossible yesterday, but now it is done with the help of God.


I really recommend planning your days in a way that takes care of your needs and of your plights, so that your days may be balanced. You can do that, either you believe in God or not.


Maybe that I have posted links about routines and Mental disorders before. Here is a new one meant for people with Bipolar Disorder only (15 small pages, easy to read in your own tempo one step at the time) :
https://www.healthcentral.com/slides...t-with-bipolar

Sorry for those feeling depressed. Sometimes a med adjustment is what you need. I had suicidal ideations multiple times a day in the spring (I'm talking 20-30 a day, it was horrible) and begged the pdoc for a med adjustment before having to go IP. The pdoc added Cymbalta 30 mg to my meds, and OMG, those thoughts went away within a week! I have always responded well to Cymbalta though, and I'm sure it's different for everyone. I hope those of you with bad depression can contact your pdocs (HUGS)

I am still in the middle (yay!). Just around the 6 week mark being stable. This is often the point where I slip into depression, so I'm praying I stay here moodwise & sleepwise.

This morning I went for a walk/jog. Probably jogged a bit too much, but it was feeling good this morning. I hope to have a pretty relaxed day. I've been reading a TON lately, and it feels so good after having a spate of years (close to 4 or 5 years) where I couldn't concentrate to read for pleasure at all. I'm loving it.

I hope everyone has a great day!

@Blue Bird those long time ranges drive me crazy. Like with repair people or delivery guys its always a 6 hour time range so someone can't ever really go out and do anything.

Glad to hear that Cymbalta works for you! Maybe it can help others as well. When it comes to me, I use another antidepressant and it works. I seldom have SI thoughts, but sometimes they jump in and that is scary.

In my case, it is my life situation that is the tricky part. I live alone, and sometimes I really miss company, especially in the summer time. In the summer, a lot of activities close down and when one's own vacation time is past, it can be very lonely. One has to use all the strength one has to make it through the summer months (outside of vacation). Rumination can jump in and suddenly one see all one's problems at once and feel overwhelmed.

Yes, medication is OK when it works. Routines, uniquely adapted, works as well, but no medication or routine can help if one lacks social contacts.

@Crazy Hitch

I hope the meds help.

I've been on both in the past. Effexor made me homicidal (like, wanting to REALLY kill my manager, and I worked with knives. Not a good situation), so I had to go off that within a couple of weeks. So I'd be careful with that one... you may REALLY want to destroy those little asshats (just kidding of course!!!!). And I couldn't physically tolerate lithium (made me so weak I could barely stand or walk to the door... and this was at only 300mg), but it made me feel better mentally. I just had to go off it because it was too much for my body to handle apparently.

But those were just my experiences.

I've had great luck with seroquel, sertraline, Lamictal, and gabapentin though. 😊

I hope you start feeling better soon and don't need ECT. I'd absolutely refuse to get that done. I like my memories. And the thought of giving my brain a seizure on purpose doesn't sound appealing. But I know it helps a lot of people!!!

Our cat is feeling better after getting her flea shots. She's starting to become her old, affectionate self again, and that makes me very happy. 😊

Inspections are done. They were just doing random apartments every like 6 months and mine didn’t get chosen this time so yay no random people in my apartment. But my apartment is clean and now I have the rest of the day to do whatever I want.

Yes I hate time ranges like that! They’re so frustrating. Thankfully it seems they did it immediately at 9am though. Idk why they give such stupid time ranges. I always hate those cause then I get stuck home all day waiting and not knowing when they’ll show up

Purple sparkly vibes for everyone but especially those having troubles.

I continue my boring middle of the road life. I got pretty good sleep last night. Fascinating dreams. Tried hard to hold onto it but it slipped away leaving me with a vestige of the dream. At one point I went into a hen house and dropped something and a goat stood on my back, so I walked around on my hands and knees down the airport aisle and into a jewelry shop they told me I couldn’t bring the goat in. And some leprechauns came for the goat and I had to say goodbye. Then a bunch of my friend were trying to hook me up with a boy friend. We were shopping at that bazaar in India and I was looking for Mike and Ike candies and met a guy. I was gonna date him but he was arrested for eating his candy and not paying for it!

I woke up early and tried to go back to sleep but no luck. Well it’s laundry day today. And games.

at practicum today. feeling motivated for school but so sleepy man. i wish i didnt have homework lol but i love the crisis unit work.

Wonder of wonders, I applied for and today actually received a much-needed check from FEMA to help cover the cost of groceries lost (from the refrigerator being out of power) during hurricane Beryl in July. Went to the bank and deposited it. Also had to get cash for daughter's allowance as I haven't paid it in a few months. Resisted stopping by the Starbucks that is on the way to the bank; I'm trying to stay down to 1-2 Starbucks trips a month and I've already gone once this month. I used to go multiple times a week, so that is a huge improvement.

Picked up the yeast kit prescription. This one aught to work since we know what type of yeast it is. I can pick up more of the external cream tomorrow.

Oh, you have started to have fantastic nights.

I feel more calm today. I have taken it easy. No study or other things. Fortunately, I had dinner in the house and didn't have to go out.

It is scary when one falls apart! I have relatives who have taken their own lives. No one guessed so in advance. I think it is about what I talked about a little while ago. One has learned to be clever, and so one day there is the little drop of too much, and the reality of a possible SI is there. Many have unseen struggles and hide inner problems until they are found lifeless.

I think the danger is over now with regard to my own struggles.

I will try to continue my studies tomorrow, not at full speed, but try to start.


On Saturday, I will have visitors. Sunday is usually a Church day for me. Next week, some of the activities that have been closed in the Summer time will start to open up again. I hope to join some of them. Have to feel how much energy I have to be able to decide if it is wise to participate. But the danger that can come up when activities are closed for a long time, and one is too much alone will hopefully be reduced either I participate or not.

Take good care of yourself and have nice dreams! (It is soon bedtime here).

Oh @Nammu what dreams!! I would have never imagined so many details all put together like that! Have you ever thought of making a dream journal? I think it would be so cool!!

So, I have had a real emotional 24 hours. I stood up WAY too long last night, back to my old behaviors in chatrooms and I really felt bad about it this morning because I didn't get to bed till 5am and got up so late and missed a couple of important phone calls about a possible job here in my town. I had reached out to someone I admire and respect very much and wanted him to help me get a job and I DEFINITELY didn't want to disappoint him, and I feel like I did this morning. I was just knocked out all morning and they were trying to reach me for this job offer. When I finally reached out, they haven't gotten back to me, so I feel like I totally missed the opportunity.

UGH.

Anyway, I didn't try to let it destroy me completely today, which is a BIG step for me, and just worked through the day. Had a very productive day, in spite of that letdown, and now I am doing my laundry and took a really nice, long relaxing shower.

All in all, I am in a really good place mentally and emotionally, which is nice, pleasant surprise considering I beat myself so much for failure - and because they haven't reached out to me. Going to enjoy the rest of the night, talk to a few friends, spend time with my boyfriend and absolutely stay OUT of chatrooms tonight!!

Lady shadow, I did keep a dream journal for years. During my sophomore year at college I had a class where it was required. I learned to love dreaming. But I’ve not kept a journal for some time now. I should do that though. I love my dreams.

Physical health wise, I'm not feeling to good today so I sadly can't read all of your posts. But, I wanted to drop in quick to say hi and I hope everyone is hanging in there the best that they can.

I was painfully bored today and i really tried. I took my dog out and tried to enjoy nature as it was a nice cool day and i joyrode our public transit train. I tried reading and a Netflix comedy special. I tried candles and mood music. But nothing worked. They say boredom can't kill you, but you might wish it could. I guess it's this darn mild depression. I can't enjoy anything. I'm just gonna lay in the dark until bedtime.

Good, very good!

Hope you will feel better soon!

I started a new thread because we're about at 1000 posts on this one.

Bipolar Check-in #82