Bipolar Check-in #83

saw gastro dr today for issues ive been havng for months. turns out i can get in sooner if i ask to talkt otheir office specicically. my dr was upset ive been waiiting 2 months. she took 9 vials of blook and did an abdomne xray. should hear back soon.

Holy cow! We had soooo many kids come starting at 4 that I ran out of two huge giant bags of candy in only an hour! Of course basing my giving on last year when we only had a few I was giving out 3 candies per kid. After the second bag I only gave one but I still ran out early! Everyone was taking of getting dressed up but only 3 of us did. Just took the make up off and my face is raw. Used lotion but still! In an hour we have the dirty bingo. I’m ready for that!

@Blueberrybook

That sounds so scary. I'm so sorry to hear about the anxiety and paranoia you've been experiencing about ending up in the psych hospital again. Usually summers are hardest for me for some reason. I tend to go crazy in the spring/summer, and in the winter I can be not fine, but it’s also a more calm time for me. I think because everything is quiet and dead and buried beneath snow and ice, like the world is sleeping, which puts my brain at ease, and then in the spring things melt and wake up and all hell breaks loose!

Why won't your psychiatrist prescribe you prn seroquel for your anxiety/paranoia? Hydroxyzine sucks. Never worked for me. I hope it helps you though.

I'm SO incredibly stressed about Tuesday. I was in a good mood this morning. Listening to some Type O Negative (because you have to listen to Type O on Halloween!), wrote in my journal, ate a delicious breakfast, scrolled on my phone and texted for a bit, took a shower, and then my husband got up and reminded me of the election and mentioned Elon Musk, and my day went downhill from there!!!!

I had a quiet day. Mention of food abuse: I played some good Scrabble. I got a play worth 119, NARTHEX, it's a part of a Church. My mom taught it to me and i've never forgotten. It's the second time i played it.

My mild depression was tolerable today. It was an undemanding day. I did a few light chores and got out for a short walk. It was our warmest Halloween on record, tho it rained early in the evening, while it was still light out, so i think the kids were okay. I messaged with my friend and attended a ZOOM support group until it got too unpleasant, then i quit, but both things were good company.

I found a new form of torture today.

I went to get my labs done. When I first got there the lab was closed for lunch, which had never happened before. They also had a new kiosk to sign in which was also new. Turns out the hospital has contracted out lab services. I used to go to that lab company in the city (someone even recognized me) but have gone to the hospital for at least a year.

I left for lunch hour and came back at opening time. Except they never came out to open up. They left the sign on the kiosk that said closed for lunch. I really would have been fine waiting but they were showing an orange man rally on the big screen tv and I couldn't handle it. I was joined by someone equally antsy but I didn't want to make a negative comment on the chosen tv show since a large majority here are for the man. I popped a Seroquel it got so bad. I finally just took the sign off the kiosk and we both signed in and when they let us in I was as polite as I could be but made it clear the 15 minute wait wasn't appreciated. I should have said that it was because they had TORTURED me for that time but figured that was a big over-dramatic. It was however not far from true and I've been hearing him over and over in my head since I left 7 hours ago. I now know the worst head noise ever.


The guy who waited with me was done first because there were issues with my paperwork and on his way out he apologized to his tech for something with a happy "I'm bipolar!". So if you are Caleb and were tortured by a lab company today, "Hi!".

My cough and post nasal drip came back this afternoon. It really scares the crap out of me when it happens because it feels like I can't breathe until I can cough some stuff up. It didn't last too long though so I think the med is helping. I ate like over 3 thousand calories today since a side effect is extreme hunger. But thats really the only bad side effect I've been having. I have 3 days left of it.

I spoke too soon. I fell asleep for 20 minutes and woke up with a wheezing wet cough. I still think its just covid leftovers.

That's bull. Sometimes all I want is milk. Like, I may be thinking "I should eat [whatever else] for [some other reason than why I should drink milk]," but I figure my body is craving milk because it needs something in milk. So I drink the milk, then I'm all set. If instead of milk I had whatever else, it wouldn't be the same, and after I would still want the dam milk! Same thing with salty stuff, pasta, etc. The other day it was time for lunch and I did not want to eat anything, but I was massively craving pickle juice. Drank some, and then I could get a sammich in (w/pickles of course)

basically the heart wants what it wants, but the stomach wants what the stomach needs

I just got back from a lovely morning with my son who has no school today. We went to the mall and he bought new goggles and a water gun. Then we went to a café by the beach and I ate a smoked salmon salad. It felt like the healthiest option there. Then my son went for a splash in the waves. It was a lot of travelling but my heart is content ❤️

I'm sorry for your loss @Scooter9


There's some girl drama happening with my students so that's fun. Kids can be so mean. One kid lost a tooth today-it was cute how he wanted a bag to take it home even though he's in junior high.

I'm doing okay today. I was able to wear jeans and Halloween colors to work so that was nice. I'm trying to work up to courage to message my counselor to say I've decided to stop going. The part of me that doesn't like confrontation just wants to cancel the few appointments I have scheduled and leave it at that, but I feel like I should at least let them know why I decided to cancel them all.

I tried the apple thing last year. All that happened is I ate so many apples that I no longer really like them.

I think eating what your body wants is much healthier, as long as you eat within reason. I mean I eat my 1200 calories as healthy as possible but that doesn't mean I don't sometimes have ice cream or something. In fact I usually have some form of a treat in the evening and just allow the calories for that. And it works for me.

I'm going to have to try another apple sometime soon....but not as the primary snack.

Because I was expecting a dose change I didn't put my clozaril in my pill box this week. I've just been taking it each day.

Tonight I am still rattled by my orange man experience and I forgot. So I didn't fall asleep and am annoyed with myself. I did put it in the pill box until I see her.

I can't believe 15 minutes of a speech upset me so much. I have only seen bits of his talks, never that much of one. I hope I never hear another because that was horrifying.

Is it normal to be in a lot of stomach pain from steroids? I woke up half an hour ago and I'm all crampy and nauseated and I have bad heartburn and I've been throwing up since last night.

I worked with a woman who was on the small side who was eating like 3 big apples a day thinking they were healthful, but was told they were too high in sugar for her and to have only a half or a small one.

Good morning, up drawing. Started skectching a character from the show Yugioh, Dark Magician Girl, It's a work in progress

I'm doing pretty good, looking forward to the weekend.

This is more nutritional chemistry, but could trigger any eating disorders so I'll box it.

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This morning's been weird. I'm gonna write about it in the general chat section and see if anyone else feels the same about their environment feeling off today. I didn't sleep well last night though because the idea of chemically stable ionic compounds like lithium making emotionally stable iconic people is poetic.

I saw a super disturbing politcal commercial this morning and now I am binge watching paramount+ all day and probably all weekend.

My stomach is kinda blah today. This morning I woke up sick. My post nasal drip is still there but my cough is better. Mood wise I'm a bit anxious. I slept ok last night. I woke up at 2:30 and I fell back asleep at 4 and I woke up at 7:45. My mom asked if I was feeling ok. I had just taken dramamine before falling back asleep.

Overall I'm ok today.

I found out I forgot to add 25mg of seroquel to my medication box for a week and a half, so now I know why I wasn’t sleeping! I had thought the med pooped out soon. So last night I took 50 mg and slept great. Unfortunately I don’t remember dreams on it. But I slept soundly from 1am to 10:30. Ohhhh that feels great.

November! Already November and hoping our November 5th does not turn into a date like England’s 5th of November. Oh to sleep though until November 8th.

my labs came back icky. i have HIGH liver enzymes again and my inflammation test came back high. i have to start a probiotic and daily fiber supplement. my iron is low so i gotta start a multivitamin with iron in it. and i have to give a stool sample bc shes worried its more than IBS. why cant my body jsut function normally since ive lost nearly 60lbs and taking better care of myself?

Tired tired tired.

Contrave had me awake until 2:00am this morning. What the….

I had an uncomfortable day due to my mild depression. I couldn't tolerate anything. I quit ZOOM social hour, news, and my soap. I played Scrabble most of the day. I got FARTERS but couldn't play it, haha.

I made an appointment with the vet for my dog as she is losing weight. It's not an emergency because she's still eating and drinking and everything is normal. But last Spring the vet said she didn't want her losing any more weight and she has. I have to take her in for her nail trim anyways, so we'll see the vet at the same time. November 12. Hope she is okay.

I forgot to mention that during the anxiety attack i had recently i found something that helped which i haven't come across before. I found it comforting to hear the sound of my own voice. I discovered it when i was speaking to my dog. Maybe it was grounding in some way. Anyways, just thought i'd mention it in case it's helpful to someone else.

@BeyondtheRainbow

I can't even see the orange one's FACE without getting triggered, much less hearing him speak. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I'd be traumatized as well!

@MuddyBoots

I didn't realize fruit was so bad for you! I'm a fruit junkie. All I ate today was fruit. I'll have to stay away from it from now on.

I finished my drawing. I mostly avoided social media and the internet in general today, I just want to enjoy my life without being bombarded by politcal crap 24/7. I just want to focus on what I can control in my own life here in the present and be mindful and grounded, not panicking.

Anyway I did a doordash order tonight, my delivery guy was really nice. I got some coffee. Mustachio is laying at the end of my bed right now. Mocha is in his own little bed sleeping.

I bought a nice new sketchbook. It arrives this weekend. Excited to start using it.

Great picture @Blue_Bird!

I'm just living off the grid again like I did when covid was bad. I binge watched reality TV all day. I don't think I've been this unsettled since covid got bad in April 2020.

I got this new anti nausea OTC called emeteyl or something. But its a liquid walgreens brand. It worked so well my nausea is gone and my stomach is fine. I'm also not coughing or dealing with post nasil drip. So the steroid is working.

So physically I feel a lot better. And this nausea stuff doesn't make me anxious like Zofran or tired and hungry like Dramanine. I didn't actually eat much today because everything needed to be cooked

The evail really helps me with me focus too. But I wish I could get that commercial out of my head. Like I am scared to turn on anything with poltical ads.

Thank you! I’ve been practicing a lot and I think my drawing ability has improved recently