Bipolar Check-in #83

@Scooter9
@MuddyBoots

Thank you, I don't see any other choice. I hate looking high functioning but struggling. I feel no one takes me seriously because I'm too afraid to stop the niceties and explain.

I'm trying to figure out a good plan on doing this program. It's pretty competitive to get into (half of people that apply for it get in), and I have some things against me, but I have some for me too. I've taken the prerequisites a loooong time ago, but I did well (B+ in honors biology w/lab, A in gen chem I w/lab, and they only want intro to algebra but I've been in three calc courses although I withdrew from one, but got As/Bs in the others). And then there's the fact I've been doing jack the past 8 years and having to try and figure out a way to explain that along with my criminal background. Not sure if someone "older" than the average person going into school and a woman going into STEM will help or hinder though.

The guy I talked to said doing the courses required during the program before being accepted into the program will increase my chances of getting in, so I'm doing some digging to see if I can "join a program" that has those courses at a closer CC/online (getting into the program so I can be a proper student getting financial aid and such) to switch if/when I get admitted.

It's easy to get overwhelmed and confused (no one has taught me anything on smoothly getting into and paying for school), but I know I'm going to figure it out.

@MuddyBoots if anyone asks you were caring for a sick family member for those years but the issue has resolved. No one needs to know it's yourself. As far as your criminal background I say own it make a list of things you learned from it and try to get past the shame. If you pm me I can help with school stuff that's what I do for people and having 20+ hours a day to indulge in psychosis isn't healthy. You can spin it you can do it.

Covid is kicking my *** real bad today. I am so out of breath lying down and my blood pressure is 142/93. I only got a couple hours of sleep last night. Mainly today its just the cough and shortness of breath. My nose is still running and I can't taste or smell. My muscle aches are ok. But I feel like I had a bit of a setback compared to yesterday.

I did 45 minutes on the treadmill at an incline of 7. That helped a bit. That combined with the 40 min walk I took outside earlier today, I’ve already hit and passed my 10,000 step goal. Now I need to decide what else to do. Probably practice violin and/or paint cause those seem to help me when I’m dissociating. They are the hardest things to do when I’m dissociating because I end up wanting to go to just sit there and space out to a show or something mindless. But doing something more mindful helps ground me.

Whew. I almost got scammed by some entity claiming to be USPS and unable to deliver my package because of a lack of house number and it claimed needing fees in order to deliver it and wanted my credit card info! Wtf man. My package is being delivered on Thursday by UPS. I texted Husband about the odd text I received and his response was immediately, "Scam."

Just finished cleaning and de-fleaing the apartment. I don't feel so good so I'm laying down for a short nap. Husband is helping his mom out with some lawn work right now.

I keep on procrastinating and slacking on writing and ezine stuff. All I want to do is hang out with my family and listen to music 🎶, but vacation time is over! It's time to get back to work slacker! I have the November issue of the ezine to format, submissions to read, and a new novel project to plan and write. I think I'm getting a little TOO happy and comfortable, if that makes any sense. I'm lacking a sense of urgency. I'm perfectly content right now with my life. Best two black cats in the world, coolest daughter in the world, best husband a woman could ask for, cute little apartment and Halloween is coming up! Best holiday in the world! Going to drink some red and listen to Type O Negative after Daughter goes to bed that night.🌙

BUT rest and relaxation time is over. I'm going to start giving myself goals each day, beyond my usual cleaning.

@Mountaindewed

You don't sound like you're doing so well. I'm kind of worried about you. 😟 Do you think maybe you should go to the doctor? I would seriously consider going to the doctor. I hope you feel better soon.

Hello all! Kind of bummed out today. I strongly suspect I have liver disease and kidney disease and I’m going to be tested for it tomorrow. The kidney problem came to light a year ago when it showed that my kidney function was being negatively impacted by lithium. Take it they said. So little a dose won’t hurt they said. My instinct told me no and I still did it.

The liver disease is what frightens me more. If it’s not fatty liver disease then it’s something else. With this Ozempic, I’m noticing the edema in my legs and feet which hurt badly and my swollen belly. I hope something can be done about both organs. I know the liver can repair itself in some cases. Still, there is no reason to cry over spilled milk. It is what it is. I’ll get to the bottom of it and move on.

Getting excited for Thanksgiving. Going to get my hair cut, deep conditioned, styled and full highlights put in. Also decorating the house and getting a big fall flower bouquet the day before. I have a packet of things that you put on the stove to boil - cloves, cinnamon, orange peel,, etc. The whole house will smell like the holidays.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. : love:

Playing here on my brand new iPad love being able to read these forums on a bigger screen and not on my iPhone where the writing is tiny. Didn’t sleep great last night. Battled to fall asleep then woke up about 3x during the night. Got up at 4:50 when my partner left for work. Ughhh.

I see my wonderful gp this morning. I’ve booked a double session. I want to discuss meds for my heart palpitations, perimenopause and whether or not I need to go on meds and weight loss. When I’ve spoken to gps in the past about weight loss medication they’ve said no because of side effects and my bipolar but she might know of something. Fingers crossed.

Ugh. And I need to stop ONLINE SHOPPING!!!!! THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS!

I ate way too many ravioli for lunch! It will have to suffice as my dinner too.

@raspberrytorte my blood pressure is much better and I'm lying down now so I feel a bit better. I also took my meds early which is helping. I think all this election crap is causing a lot of anxiety for me and making things worse. Plus my GI stuff complicates the covid. But my mom took another test and she is negative now.

I got that same scam thing a couple weeks ago. And I was expecting a package from USPS in a couple hours. I had to google it and found out it was a scam.

@Blue_Bird I'm so sorry about the dissociating. I know you mentioned cold helps you. I'm not sure where you live but if the weather is cool/cold outside can you sit outside somewhere for a bit and see if that helps? Failing that, do you have an ice pack or even just hold your hands around a glass of ice water. I dissociate and have high anxiety/panic a lot, and cold temperature helps me a lot but most especially when I sense cold in my fingertips.

I'm sorry about the dissociation. I dissociate most days too though when it happens I try not to focus on it at all and go about what I'm doing though it's easier said than done if I'm driving and dissociation happens. But I find if I focus and think about the dissociation that just panics me so it's best not to think about it. Another weird thing that sometimes helps me is to put music on and sing out loud to the songs (though I do NOT have a good singing voice!).

I'm just curious. How long have you had problems with dissociation? I've had it since childhood, at least as long as around age 8 or 9 I remember dissociating (though of course I didn't know anything about what it was back then).

@raspberrytorte Ugh! I did fall for that exact same scam. Next thing I knew I had a $500 charge on my credit card for some online clothing store I never heard of. Thankfully, I got it resolved and the account closed without paying that charge, but it's a pain to change all the online billing info especially for automatic charges on the card.

So I didn’t start dissociating until a few years ago. My anxiety was always bad even as a child. Around 18-19 I started having panic attacks after I sometimes I wonder if the dxm use contributed to me developing panic attacks and dissociation. Cause while I always had anxiety I never had panic attacks or dissociation before that. So my panic attacks started around 18-19. My dissociation started maybe 6-7 years ago so like around when I was 23-24.

I do have cold packs I bought specifically for this. I always forget I have them cause my freezer is on the bottom so I forget they’re even there sometimes. lol. But yeah they help. I ended up watching a show for a couple hours after painting and started cooking/preparing dinner for later and I feel a bit better now. Cold definitely helps though. I live in upstate NY so it does get cold here. I try to make sure I get outside in it cause it’s really good for me.

The horrible therapist has been reported officially now! My case manager did it and included all 9 of the complaints I wrote!

@raspberrytorte did you say you had bad anxiety with cold medicine?

I am so anxious right now and I've been really nervous and jittery for a few days and I've been taking Dayquil and Nyquil lately. The kind without alcohol.

Well, I'm happy to know it was indeed a scam then because I want my package! Of course, I don't like random entities scamming people... slime balls.

Just found out my partner’s mother has tested positive to COVID and we were with her on Saturday. Damn. Hopefully no one in my family gets it. I got the booster in April. My son who is 5 has had COVID once. So far none of us have any symptoms so hopefully we will be okay!

So h thinks I'm on an upswing he's on a downswing. I'm so scared for Thursday. I really need to be honest about how bad things are in my head space but I want to manage her reaction so I don't get involuntary committed. My medicine didn't come today. I'm struggling with the idea to take it when it comes. I need to do my hair but shaving it all off and dyeing it. Urges are strong tonight. I realize I'm putting to much on h. My head is so loud and Anna won't shut up. She's going to give me horrible self esteem so I just tell her I'm not getting worse just realized I'm not being honest with her because of paranoia.

We got move in assistance so we have 90 days to move out now, just to get the apartment and inform everyone. To much is going on to get hospitalized, plus I have to leave the house, see people, talk,. I told my parents about the rats they're not happy. They obviously don't know about the psychosis.

You know, maybe I'm just being paranoid. But why does my doctors office want to do this study. Its like they chose me because I'm a young single minority with physical and mental health issues.

@Mountaindewed

It was anxiety and paranoia caused from OTC antihistamines, specifically benadryl and claritin. Well, benadryl just made me anxious. Claritin made me SO anxious it gave me paranoia and some delusional thinking. But this was after taking them everyday for a couple of weeks. (Not together obviously!)

Hey guys,

It's been a while. Man I really have some up and down days, but the down days aren't really down days, they are more like I say the meanest, cruelest things to myself about myself. Therapy was good today because I basically talked how horrible I look, how fat I am, how much I HATE myself, it's not that I dislike myself and the way I look, I HATE it. Even after that nice picture I took the other day. It's so bad guys, it really is - I feel I look so horrible and I say such mean things about myself all the time, it's really bad.

Just need to put things into a better perspective. I have a nice new job now, I love my candle store job, I have so many friends, a wonderful family, an amazing boyfriend, my own apartment I can pay for, a nice car, and just all the things so many people would want so much. I just need to really need to focus on being grateful - but it's so hard to when you're deep in it. My therapist told me to hide all the mirrors if it's causing me so much distress, and also refocus, distract myself and do more things I enjoy - taking his advice, and trying to stop all this hateful self-talk.

I feel so ungrateful. Everything is going amazing in my life except this one self-image thing, but my therapist said that's the hardest one for most people to deal with.

Why do we focus on the one thing that we're not happy with forgetting all the amazing, good things??

Also, my neighbor moved out, and I am really worried about it. My apartment is really close to his, I hope no one terrible moves in, ugh, the last one was awful before him. He was so nice and quiet; I am so bummed.

The stomach pain that's bothered me the past two days went away today. Nice. Sometimes i think i have gastroparesis, too-slow digestion. It's either that or diarrhea, too-fast digestion. It's just not at the right speed. I can never go too far from a toilet. I had a headache in the afternoon.

I deked out to the mall to get my glasses fixed as a lens popped out. I just dashed in and out of the mall. It used to be my second home. Today it was so crowded, it was rush hour, and i didn't know what i ever saw in the mall. Well nothing's constant but change. I'm not aging well and experiencing a lot of the curses of getting older at just 58. And, then again, maybe it's just the depression talking...

@Crazy Hitch: Thanks so much for the support. Not sure what i did to deserve it. I did sleep decent but woke up too early. I hope you and your family don't get COVID.

@LadyShadow: I feel the same, i hate myself, and how i look. I have so many blessings to be grateful for too, it's really a shame. Just today, a neighbor flattered me out of my senses for my new haircut. It's super short and she says it shows off my face more. I'm fat, but so is Jelly Roll, and i still think he's cool...

My therapist says I'm mixed. That would explain how I've been feeling. I just hadn't thought of it. The depression is worsening now and my house looks like it. I did a very little bit of work in the kitchen tonight which is good.


Usually when I'm mixed I don't sleep. I've been sleeping ok for the last few nights but I'm also on a lot of sedation and had it increased a few weeks ago.

My clozaril levels should be back tomorrow. Hopefully I have wiggle-room to allow us to increase my dose without throwing me into toxicity. I have a hard time being too excited about that because my last level was just barely under the too high but not toxic line. But that was about 6 months ago so maybe it worked itself out in that time.

I hate mixed.

Oh, mixed is the worse. I hope your levels are ok for you to increase your meds rainbow 🌈