Bipolar Check-in #84

I have an appointment tomorrow early morning at the Saturday urgent clinic at my doctor's office because I was drinking Gatorade and 4 hours later used the bathroom and it was all pure liquid. The nurse said the miralax doesn't stop working immediately after stopping it! I only stopped it yesterday. I've had diarrhea for 6 days and been taking the miralax for months! My primary doctor said to take it once a day so I did. I have been drinking Gatorade but the nurse said to drink it half strength with water. My tongue/mouth is so dry it hurts to eat solid food. Drinking diluted Gatorade now and lying in bed.

Yes Xylazine is the one she mentioned too. She showed me some test strips she keeps in her office for people who are honest about their drug use so they can at least try to be safe about it.

Weed is legal here, there are dispensaries but you can get weed/vapes other sources too though that might be less trustworthy. I do trust the vape I have though cause my sister got it from an actual dispensary from the owner she knows. It was $175 for it so it’s not cheap stuff from an unknown source.

My only concern with it itself is like psychosis. I feel like I’m okay if I just use it once in awhile. Back in the spring though I really over did it with the vapes and edibles and I think that’s the main reason I got psychosis. I think I just can’t handle edibles. The worst I get from vapes is some paranoia. But I did over do those at one point to where so that didn’t go well. My therapist is like a lot less strict about it because she’s a lot younger. My psychiatrist is in his 60s though and he’s very particular about any form of substance use.

Idk I’m kind of torn on the whole thing, I feel like very very light use of weed like once in a blue moon is okay like to relax after a long day, is it the same as having a drink or two after a long day once in awhile? Idk . One thing I don't struggle with anymore is being reckless with substances. When I was a teenager I’d binge drink and overdosed on DXM in cough syrup and combined codeine with it and took all kinds of random crap cause I had zero sense of fear back then. I’ve mellowed out now that I’m 30 I’m not quite as reckless.

I have a pretty similar stance, but I also know that, like with having a drink, some people just don't do well keeping it to 1-2 every now and then, and some people have 1-2 (drinks/hits) and don't like it or can't handle it for whatever reason. I was (am?) similarly reckless and haven't done anything extreme in a while, keep being curious as to how weed affects me now, but I'm afraid of getting that obsessed again. I did have a toke the other day to see if it'd help my appetite (I can't eat these days. At all. Like, it's 3:34pm and my only calories have been a protein smoothie, so yeah, I had to try.) It helped, but now my head is thinking I have to get high if I want to eat and everyone says I need to eat if I want to survive so logically I have to get high to survive I think one of my premises are off.

There's also I guess a difference between using something (really anything) in a healthy way to cope or chill or whatever or in an unhealthy way that's more escaping and avoiding life. Everyone needs distractions, but those distractions shouldn't take over.

I feel so bad for the people! You can SEE what they meant. This is the 2nd best part of the internet, after cats. First cats, then caaaaaake!

Its all cool until you give enough info that you dox yourself and people can find your work place and stuff.

What do you mean Md?

When you were talking about the explosion in your other post the other day you were giving very specfic details.

I would just be careful about putting such personal details on a public forum.

The explosion was on the national news.

I live in a very very populated city. And I have no other identification on any social media if where I live.

I guess maybe I'm just being paranoid. I'm sorry.

I restarted generic pepcid this morning. And it worked so well. I had been taking it for like 12 years without an issue. My doctor thought a stronger prescription antacid like Zofran would work maybe. But I took the Pepcid and then I took the new med a couple hours later and I feel so much better. I haven't gotten sick all day and I'm not in pain.

I guess its one those "if it aint broke." Situations.

Been drinking Gatorade mixed with 1/2 water. Mouth still dry and lips and eyes and anywhere else there are mucus membranes.

soooooo muuuuuuch homework due. pdoc sent in some celexa for me to tak again for anxiety. thank god

The moon was bright tonight. It was so nice to stand in the cold night air on my balcony. I enjoyed my home today. I struggled with overeating. I find my pain passes faster if i tune into it, rather than trying to distract myself from it. A casual form of meditation, i guess. I exercised so that makes four days in a row. I'm really happy about that. I'm alternating days of cardio with strength training.

Hugs to all who struggle!

Therapy appointment today. Went well. We talked about the sertraline sexual side effect I'm having and how great it's working for my mood and how I don't really want to go off it because I'm actually happy and enjoying my life for a change, but I just want to be able to get off man! And she was very understanding and empathetic and assured me we'd figure SOMETHING out. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday, and we're going to talk to my psychiatrist again and see if there's ANYTHING we can possibly do because I'm frickin DYING here.

My "toy" shipped a couple days ago. I'm hoping it gets here tomorrow so I can try it out since no one will be home. If that thing doesn't help I'm going to make an appointment with my GP to talk about my unfortunate situation and see if there's anything medical we can do. We all know how OBSESSED my therapist is with hormones... since I'm 42 she thinks maybe my estrogen is dropping or something and that's why I can't climax? I don't know. I'm sure my GP would just blame my psych meds and tell me to talk to my psychiatrist.

I re-dyed my hair this afternoon. Bluish black this time. Messy, smelly business, and I stained the wall in the shower because I accidentally sprayed hair dye everywhere. Not too happy about that. But I like how my hair looks now, so I guess it was worth it.

Apparently we blew a circuit or something. That's why sparks ignited from our radiator like it was the fourth of July in our bedroom in November yesterday. Happened again while the repair man was here this morning and I squealed like a little girl again. Luckily he was able to replace our radiator and fix our circuit, so all is good now. 👍 Scared the bejeezees out of me though! Lord above!

Took my daughter grocery shopping. $366 for her groceries. Now I’m broke lol

Good morning. I slept good last night, a solid 8 hours according to my Fitbit. Got up, did yoga, ate breakfast, took morning meds. Took out the trash, fed my cat, journaled some, did a sketch in my sketchbook. Now I'm just listening to Christmas music and drinking a coffee. Gonna clean my apartment thoroughly today and do more laundry. I did two loads yesterday, all my clothes and towels. Today I'm doing my comforter and sheets. And gonna listen to my audiobook while I clean my apartment. Then I can relax and do whatever I want. So probably draw some more, and take a shower, and read.

I picked out Christmas gifts for my sister, niece and my friend. Ordering them in a couple weeks. So that's all set. Feeling good today, pretty highly motivated.

im doing laundry and about to wokr on a huge assignment. husband is takig a practice exam for his licensing. im tryign to be quiet for him. gonna wrap presents later. i cleaned my car a bit too and threw away the pumpkins we outside our door

I have an art workshop today. A watercolor workshop, this afternoon. Other than that not much going on.

Sleep was stressful last night kept having stress dreams that woke me up every couple hours. Sort of Dr Whoish, mixed with political stuff.

@HALLIEBETH87 I hope the Celexa kicks in quickly

@Raspberrrytorte I don't know if your AD is different, but I had the same thing with Haldol. Nothing helped but getting off it, but when I did HOLY FUUUUUUUU...!!! (sorry, but I'm gonna call it rebound hypersexuality and I'm not even 100% I'd chalk it up to mania rather than just missing it)

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(food and idk how detailed this is getting so TW box goes here)

I need to get into the habit of writing shyt down for my team. I totally forgot to tell/ask for guidance on the situation with the erotomania dude although last I heard he almost got locked up and haven't heard from him since so maybe he did.

I'm doing ok today.



I went and did some shopping. Just for normal stuff like soup, pasta, and crackers. Last night I ordered a a giant L shaped pillow on Amazon. I'm hoping it helps me out with my side pain.

Struggling with ED thoughts today, some days are worse than others; I swear I will never 100% kick this thing and that makes me feel down Having guilt about eating normally and mostly all healthy. It really sucks.

Sigh. Just having one of those days. My mood is down, my anxiety up. I've had dissociation and panic attacks already today. I was dissociated for a lot of my morning walk though I snapped out of it a bit at the park where I did some outdoor weight & ab machines.

My period is due in 3 or 4 days, maybe it's PMS. The older I get the worse the PMS gets. Speaking of hormones, @raspberrytorte, I have almost ZERO sex drive! It could be perimenopause since I'm 46 and/or meds. Pdoc blames it on hormones, gynecologist blames it on psych meds. I swear, you just can't win!

Saw my primary doctor this morning. It's the Gabapentin 300 causing diarrhea, dry mouth, dizziness, nausea and weight gain! All my symptoms started since I started Gabapentin 300! She wants me to try 200 and see if that helps. Meanwhile drink lots of water and Gatorade. Only yellow or white. The Vraylar caused my liver enzymes to be so high and my primary doctor is going to let my liver doctor know this. I told my doctor today that if I have to go off these two drugs I have to do ECT and she said she has two patients that get ECT treatments and they are doing well. Nothing to worry about! Waiting for the after-hours psych RN to call me back so I'm at Panera with a Gatorade and bagel waiting for her call. She also wants me to hook up my new CPAP supplies! I've just been lazy but it will help my sleep!
The nurse just called and said I can go down on the gabapentin to 200 but he has to call the psychiatrist on call to get authorization for that. He wanted me to go on 100 or stop it altogether but I don't think I'll be able to sleep through the night if I do that. The Vraylar he said they weren't worried about the raised liver enzymes. He just called back and said the dr is calling in 100s so I can take two or 1. He said if that doesn't work they'll have to get me in for a med review! But that person won't know that Belinda my usual person for med reviews is out till the 25th and that she said if these two meds we use I'll have to do ECT! What a mess!
The nurse just called and said I can go down on the gabapentin to 200 but he has to call the psychiatrist on call to get authorization for that. He wanted me to go on 100 or stop it altogether but I don't think I'll be able to sleep through the night if I do that. The Vraylar he said they weren't worried about the raised liver enzymes. He just called back and said the dr is calling in 100s so I can take two or 1. He said if that doesn't work they'll have to get me in for a med review! But that person won't know that Belinda my usual person for med reviews is out till the 25th and that she said if these two meds don't work out I'll have to do ECT! What a mess!


Feeling sleepy, tired or dizzy
Feeling sick (nausea)
Being sick (vomiting)
Diarrhoea
Mood changes
Swollen arms and legs
Blurred vision
Dry mouth
Difficulty getting an erection
Weight gain
Memory problems
Headaches
Getting more infections than usual

yal ever get so anxious youre paralyzed like you cant get anything done bc youre so crippled with anxiety and stress and feeling overwhelmed ?

I did all my cleaning today. So all that’s done. I read for an hour. Now I’m just sitting here kinda anxious trying to decide what to do with the rest of my weekend. My anxiety is really bad. I’m trying to work through some radical acceptance stuff for my paranoia. I wish I had friends in my actual life like near me that I could hang out with. I don’t do well sitting in my apartment by myself, I get really paranoid. I might try to go to a couple movies at the theater next month. By myself but at least it’s around other people. And it’s something to do that gets me out of the house. I want to see the lord of the rings: war of the rohirrim movie coming out in December. And maybe Nosferatu too. I might have a few trips to the cafe as well.

Next week there’s a nutrition class here I’m going to, a wreath making event I’m going to and a potluck I’m going to.

@HALLIEBETH87

Yes. That paralyzed with anxiety thing has happened to me before. It really sucks.

@Blueberrybook

When I was on Cymbalta I had ZERO sex drive. For years. I never put two and two together until I went off it, and now I want to do it ALL THE TIME. Seriously! My husband tells me I have the sex drive of an 18 year old boy! Lol. It's not like I don't find it satisfying. I do, as long as I can get him off and make him writhe with pleasure. It could just be SO MUCH BETTER!!!!! 😊

@Mountaindewed

I'm sorry your appetite has been so bad. Maybe talk to your doctor about it?

@MuddyBoots

I wish I could just go off sertraline, but sadly I cannot. 😔 I get weepy and start crying all the time, even if my dose is just lowered a bit. I wish my psychiatrist was open to trying other SSRIs because the only options she gave me are wellbutrin, effexor and Cymbalta, and I can't take those. Wellbutrin raises my anxiety to intolerable levels. Effexor makes me homicidal. Cymbalta doesn't work. So boohoo!!!