Bipolar Check-in #85

If I remember right she was off half her meds. It was doctor approved and monitored. I think it was her. She was happy to be off some and lowered dose of others.

Yes, that was her. She had been off them for quite a while. But we all know how bipolar works....

I hope you get your sauerkraut.


My ancestry is English/Irish so I have no idea where we the tradition. I remember my grandma making it when I was little so it goes back a ways.

I’m also Czech and German on mum’s side. We didn’t really celebrate new years. We got together with other families and the adults played cards and we kids watched **** Clark’s new year. There were snacks and drinks in the kitchen. We ate sauerkraut all the time not for any special occasion. There was never and special items of food or routine.

I’m concerned about my ex. He’s manic as hell and in psychosis. Basically thinks he’s some sort of messiah and that everything is connected or aligned as he says and he’s on some sort of predestined path. He called me yesterday and asked me to not lie to him and tell him if I had kids and I said no (I never had, he knows full and well that I don’t have kids) and he asked if I was ever pregnant and I said no. And his ideas and random thoughts are jumping from place to place and not making any sense. He messaged me today just now asking how my Christmas is today, and I told him it’s new years and he said that wasn’t him who messaged that something is making him do things. He doesn’t even sound like himself he kind of scared me lately when we talk. This all happened within a week ago. Like 2 weeks ago he was completely fine. Part of the problem is he refuses to be on any medication and he smokes weed all day everyday which isn’t helping him at all. Idk it’s like something snapped in him and he’s a different person suddenly.

I've been losing time a scary amount lately. It's not even really the amount, it's what I come back to. I vaguely recalling calling the team line and talking to someone who doesn't know me too well. I feel like I'm either cleaning a disaster zone or creating one. This morning in a cleaning one I found a

I should probably eat. Haven't done that since lunch yesterday.

I am also taking recommendations for sad songs to loop all day.

I was WILD this morning. My mom looked at me weird and said I was scaring her and the cats. I was just singing...A black metal calculus parody version of "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." But naturally it had to have the screaming and headbanging.

I need to integrate
Gotta know how much this function's grown
Don't know what's beneath
But I know the curve
and I integrate

I wonder if I don't have bipolar, but just varying severity in ADHD symptoms. I looked at the time and asked her "should I go take my meds that I was supposed to take almost two hours ago?" and she said yeah, and then like 30 minutes later I was just laying in bed chilling. I am SOOO curious how stimulants can trigger full on manic episodes for people with bipolar, give the "speed" effect for "normal" people, and then some of us get the best naps after their second dose of Ritalin. And then there's people (like me supposedly) with bipolar and ADHD. In the hospital the doctor asked if my voices got better or worse since starting the Ritalin and I said it's hard to say. My head voice (inner monologue) is a lot quieter, soo the auditory hallucinations feel so much more present. It's weird. The visual hallucinations have gotten way worse though, yeah.

Oh, I did call my team people and she asked if I needed to go back to the hospital. Honestly, there needs to be like a boarding school for people like me. A place to live where recreational illegal substance use isn't tolerated, everyone has their separate room, there are rage cages, we can leave after staying long enough they can read us well and won't let us go if there's murder in our eyes our our face bags are bigger than any sleeping bag. We can have a thing like a satellite messenger for periodic check-ins. I am chronically suicidal here, and yeah, 88% of the time it's only passive, but then there's a 10 minute passing active ideation and with a pattern like that where there is no significant and persisting trend away from SI...

Every time I go inpatient my mom packs clothes I don't fit in or are dumb to wear in a psychiatric hospital. I have a clothes system where stuff that doesn't fit but might in the future goes in its own place and I swear she packs from that shelf and drawer. So last time I had 3 bras that don't fit (who needs three UNDERWIRE bras for IP?), three pairs of underwear too small, a hoodie I bought oversized when I was 80lbs lighter, a tank top (which aren't even allowed), and skinny jeans. I'll give her credit: she did pack a flannel, a pair of sweats, and my book that I have no focus to work on that has a million alliterations I need internet they don't have to look up. But anyway, yeah, after that phone call I made a pile for 3 days worth of whatever I might need/want. I made a phone number list too. My boyfriend and I have only been talking on facebook messenger so I didn't have his actual mobile number to call last time.

I'm going to white knuckle it as much as possible though, then at some point they'll put the new PRNs and the lower dose of Ritalin in the blister packs, and if the PRN makes me worse like I suspect it will as I have noticed it had before, I'm not really sure. I've noticed with some meds and adverse reactions, the reactions get worse the more I take it. I was fine with oral invega, then they did the injection and I had a mild rash on my chest, they said it's probably nothing, 3 injections later and I'm up all night ripping my skin off having a hard time breathing. Tegretol? Same story (with an addition of trying it with an antipsychotic and apparently the two play like potassium metal and water). I first started antipsychotics at 18 I think, and then it wasn't bad I was just falling asleep at home depot and got moved down levels in competitions. Seroquel actually kinda worked the first time around once I reached 1.1g a day, but in Hal's eyes that day there was some passed out jail bait in the gardening section. Now when I try seroquel, do I have any decrease in symptoms? No! (Granted I haven't explored taking 300mg over the FDA recommendation again). Instead I just wiggle wiggle wiggle. Akathisia kinda feels like your body becomes a collection of very stiff irregularly shaped electrified objects that vibrate at high frequencies, but we have nerves that tell our brains to shut things down and our personified brain managers are running around "THERE'S NO OFF BUTTON" and then there's a dude in the corner making us walk and bounce our legs and play with our fingers that's kinda lowering the suffering. The manager doesn't know why that works, and has an urge to make things better, but also doessn't want to fk up and make it worse.

Maybe. Maybe if I didn't have two days of getting my hope up where "I can become a children's ski instructor! I even passed the first few courses!" followed by panic of an equivalent quality of having flashbacks of every single mistake with a painful outcome just because I want to go to sleep but sleep=nightmares and bed=rape and unconscious=unalert. I get hope, andI lose it, and I get it, and I lose it. What the fk.

I do need food. I'm not hungry. I'd rather break a window and never end the rest of "it's cold in the house now" until it's fixed while I'm at some stupid hospital telling everyone's baseline is diferent and I'm sure you would admit someone on a day that would be one of my top 5%.

No. I have to figure **** out. There has to be something inside, right?

Anyway, happy new years. Love you guys. Gonna play piano even though I'm starting to leaern I have a bit of an obsessive personality ESPECIALLY with piano (maybe the two handed thing). I stopped playing for a few months because I would be hitting invisible chords and triads and trills and shyt against my legs or the steering wheel or whatever and it was taking away my attention from whatever. I started again because I love it, but I'm driving myself crazy!

What's his stance on treatment and different modalities as a whole? Is he like my dad who "cures his schizoaffective with a plant" instead of "swallows a pill that makes me need another and another and will make me feel like a zombie to reward the most corrupt men"? person, or more of a free spirit "yeah, I just prefer this, I don't look down on prescribed meds."

Are you able to keep contact with him or support him without triggering yourself right now?

I've never really been around people able to handle another manic person/me when I'm manic (unless you count 5% of the doctors I've seen), so take it easy on yourself if you just need to say "hey, I'm noticing you're acting different, and I'm a little scared. If you want help in finding some help or just having chit chat to calm down, I'm here, but I have to take care of me too. Hope to talk to you later, take care." (as an example)

He thinks psych meds are bad, always has, and he also thinks that weed is the solution to everything so he pretty much is anti psych meds in general. He was on them once when he was discharged from the army but he never got back on them. Then he started using LSD really really heavily and also used meth a couple times. Now he just uses weed.

You make good points. I did mention that he’s acting a little different and he said that people are playing mind games with him so I took a step back so I can not stress myself out. Anything I say is met with paranoid delusions about people messing with him. I know there’s no rationalizing with psychosis I’ve been there myself before. I will be here as a friend and talk to him but I will try to give myself some space to because it does get overwhelming when he calls and talks for hours about this stuff

Thank you Blueberry book. I appreciate your kind comments. Thank you everybody for the hugs.

Yeah. I'd almost rather be the one with delusions than talk to someone with them depending on their nature. I knew a guy with erotomania (towards my old peer support specialist at that) and it was hard when he was always "we're getting married!" (no you aren't) "Tell [x] I love her" (I bet she already knows). No matter what you say, their mind isn't going to change. You can change the topic, you can ask questions to see if he's going to hurt himself or someone else (and act on that), but other than that, I just had to let him be.

But for sure put yourself first. Don't fall into his "weed cures all" ideology again. You're saying it right now: he is unwell. You can be there for him, unless you can't be there for yourself first.

I've just snacked today while watching the news and my mom asked if I was ok because I seemed off. I made a frozen pizza so I can eat something sorta legit for dinner. I feel fine. Just still tired and stuff. And a bit anxious about current events.

I got up to use the bathroom and I felt like I was going to crack my head on the toilet and I got back into bed and my blood pressure was 134/87 and my pulse was 105. So that makes sense.

My finger tip EKG thing is showing tachycardia again. But not as bad as the other night. Although I just read if left untreated it can lead to heart attacks and shyt.

I'm guessing eating cabbage for New Year's must be fairly common; I've gotten a couple emails from recipe email lists involving cabbage/sauerkraut today.

Ordering my Chinese takeout tomorrow night after I get home from my volunteer shift!

I don't remember drinking but I feel drunk. That doesn't mean I didn't. Maybe I just got possessed by a Swiftie. I am a Swiffer. Push me on the floor all you want, babe.

I CAN'T DO THIS!

I swear they're poisoning me, they are, I can tell. I had weird stool yesterday, and a different weird today. I'm gonna collect my stools and because Vincent Van Go. He gave me a Warhead and it wasn't even sour, was it something else? I don't want to be high or tripping right now but I am AND I DON'T REMEMBER TAKING ANYTHING OTHER THAN A DOLLAR STORE WARHEAD. I even played bass, and I can do a lot instrument wise but I swear my fingers are going to be the death of me for that thing. It's got a short neck too. I miss Bean!

I don't know what to do. They say to eat so I did a little while ago and now I hate it. I'm never going to Italy or even the combat zone. I wish I could trust someone. I wish there was someone but I don't even get anything. The sin of half a pi is one, but the sin of one pi is zero.

That is my wisdoms.

Caleb has ignored me today. He usually calls at 8 pm but somehow I don’t think he will.

I jus tinfished my LAST ASSIGNMENT of this class!

Looking back on my 400 pages of posts. I don't think I've ever been stable. I'm good at hiding but not knowing how to tell the truth. Even here I'm not 100% honest. How do I start? She thinks I'm good at identifying symptoms but honestly it's just some of what I notice. She wants to know my actual thoughts. I can't do that. She wants me to refute my thoughts but I don't think she realizes how hard that is. I've only said the safe thoughts and even they are R rated. I didn't write any of those thoughts down though. Or anything that irrationally won. I'm still saving face. I need to stop. How?

Thanks for the recommendations @Blue_Bird

I'm a mess. Since I've been trying to figure out if I need to permanently increase my dose of risperidone, I knew this could happen, but man alive. I went back to 4 mg tonight and will be sticking with that. Hopefully, the 1 mg dose increase will do the trick and I won't need more of an increase. An increased dose tends to work quickly-I hope this is the case this time because SI came in swinging today. And, irritability-I was throwing kitchen utensils while cooking...

Today involved going to see a movie, cleaning, going for a walk, and going to Mass. No matter what my mood is tomorrow, I need to somehow find the mental strength and drive to work on school stuff since I'm at the final stretch of Christmas break.

I just had like 6 police officers in the house because....
fk it...
I'm going

This is inescapable hell.. It hurts. I can't take it.

Good morning! I slept alright. Slept from 10pm to 4am. I needed to get up early because I have a therapy appointment at 9am and have to leave around 8:15am to walk there. I like being up a couple hours before I have to go do something because the mornings feel peaceful. After I finish my therapy appointment I’m gonna stop at the store on the walk home to buy some food and coffee.

Then I’m gonna practice violin

Tonight from 6pm to 8pm I have a volunteer shift with the rescue kitties. Then when I get home from that I’m ordering Chinese takeout!

Again I did not sleep well. So tired.

I fell asleep last night around 6 something. Then I woke up at 8 something. I stayed up until 10:30 and then I tried getting up at my normal 5:30 time but I ended up getting out of bed at 7:30. I don't feel tired though unlike yesterday. I have therapy at 9:45 and then the dentist at 11. But my moods and anxiety are pretty good today. Yesterday they were a bit rough.

My therapist seemed really upset and distracted today. She said she had some personal stuff going on then cut our meeting halfway through and rescheduled. Hope she’s okay

I have some sort of stomach bug or something. Lot of gastrointestinal stuff….

Anyway, I might have to cancel my volunteer shift just for today. I should be able to make it to my one on Sunday but I don’t trust not being by a bathroom for so long right now…

I feel terrible for canceling but I just can’t make it there today. I can’t take a bus there and be without access to a bathroom for 3 hours. And I wouldn’t want to be using a public restroom right now because … yeah. lol so probably best to cancel

Well I cancelled. My volunteer coordinator was super understanding. She said her husband and son in law had it too and to feel better.

So I’m not ordering Chinese tonight. Cause I don’t want to upset my stomach further.