Bipolar Check-in #86

@Blueberrybook I love your drawing it’s so cool!

My mom dragged me out of the house for a few hours. We got ice cream and did some shopping. It was good to be pushed. I don't think I'm pushed enough as I should be. I wore my glasses in the car and it helped my nausea a lot and I didn't have any issues. My fatigue has been pretty good today I'm just a bit anxious but I think its just situational stuff. I was fine in the stores.

OK, I lost all my reply and have re-typed to the best of my abilities, but I'm not sure how good that is.

@June08 - I really need to clean, but I hate it so, so much. What does the volunteer organization at your church do?

@JaneOnceMore - So sorry for your lack of sleep. I hope the melantonin will help you sleep tonight. You are lucky to have friends to hang out with. My only 2 friends I have right now are my two younger sisters. Thankfully, the 3 of us have always gotten along well, so I have been blessed in that respect.

@BeyondtheRainbow - I went to Niagra Falls too. That was in the year 2001, back when you didn't even need a passport to cross the Canadian border, before 9/11 (the summer maybe?). I took all sorts of meds with me; I was using the county psych place, and they really doped you up! But things were much more lax before 9/11. However, that trip was definitely something driven by mania...I flew up to Toronto to meet a guy I only knew online, yep, you figured it, had sex with him the whole time I was there, but we did see Niagra Falls from the Canadian side and then walked over to the U.S. side in New York...then only talked to the guy once or twice afterwards, it was a bit of a whirlwind, should have been my first inkling that maybe I was bipolar. I justified the trip to myself as a reward for graduating university in Dec. 2000.

@iloveanimals - Yep, that's the way I used CBT to get over the worst of my ED. It was pretty bad. No, actually my ED was horribly critical by the time I decided to attempt recovery. I weighed maybe 85 lb. dripping wet, and I don't know how but somehow I managed basically CBT on my own (along with psych meds) to get my weight up, stop exercising while I recovered, take the stupid psych meds. Because of that, it took me an extra semester to graduate college, but I got it done.
I am sorry about your son, though. That has to be so hard. I worry about my daughter a bit but she seems to take more after H mental health wise, thankfully.

@Blue_Bird - Your sunset painting is gorgeous! You're very good with paint! I'm glad the dizziness went away.

@Crazy Hitch - Thanks for the compliment on my drawing! Always appreciated

@raspberrytorte - Sorry about hearing the music again. It happens to me too, and I will hear all kinds even things I don't listen to like Mexican music, rap, along with types I do listen to. It can be pretty unsettling. Do you think it's decreasing your benzo doing it? For me though, mostly it means I need an adjustment of Seroquel, but I think you are on a pretty high dose already?

@Nammu - I hope you can manage a nap or at least a good night's sleep tonight. I am SO thankful for Seroquel, it has been a godsend to me for sleep, without it, I struggle so, so much. Even when I was a kid, I was so jealous of my sister; we shared a double bed up until I was 6 or so; we'd talk a bit, then she'd roll over and go right to sleep, and I'd just lie there. My poor mom, so many nights I woke her up in bed telling her I couldn't sleep and then my youngest sister was born, and she turned out to be a poor sleeper too. I'm not sure how my mom did it!

Sorry for anyone I missed, retyping everything really is a drag!

I finished the library book I was reading and will start a new book this afternoon. I'm also a bit sore from my jogging this morning, so I may take an Epsom salt bath. A nice warm soak in the tub sounds pretty good right now!

Really doing better today. I woke up at 8am but took a little nap around 11am. Work has been so slow, I almost made nothing today, ugh. I am sorry with everyone's issues with sleep, it's been an ongoing battle for me too even with my CPAP. Sometimes it feels like I am just lying there half-asleep half awake all night. I had to really force myself to get going this morning, hopefully tomorrow won't be so bad.

Had a big accomplishment today by making my bed, I haven't done it in weeks, and managed to do it today, really proud of myself for that.

I hope everyone is doing well today and feeling better. I'm slowly getting back to my old self. @Blue_Bird love your sunset! @Blueberrybook - love your portrait of that little guy, he kind of looks like a little beaver!

Monday hugs!

@LadyShadow - It's good to hear from you. It's awesome you made your bed today! Sometimes, I find that is half the battle; if I don't make the bed or I make it but leave the sheets turned down, I'm just tempted to crawl right back in there during the day. Which isn't good unless I had crappy sleep the night before and truly could use a nap. I'm sorry about your money woes; that is tough. We went through a phase where H couldn't find work, I'm not working and literally were starting to pack to move in with my ILs when H got a job offer. Unfortunately, he was later let go from that job, but now my fingers are crossed; he is on his last year as an associate professor before he comes up for tenure next year. I'm pretty sure he will get it, unless the Trumpies in TX government have their way; they have actually been talking about doing away with tenure for college professors in the state of TX university education system. And OMG, wouldn't that be SO unfair, his very last year before his tenure review?!

I took that Epsom salt bath...that felt great, skimmed through a magazine in there I didn't care about getting wet! I haven't taken one of those in forever, should remember to treat myself to that more often. My sister had also given me a bottle Dr. Teals body wash with lavendar, and I used that afterwards.

Oof I’m tired, been gone for a while just got home. Did errands and treated myself to a peach shaker. It sort of like Starbucks refreshers. I got such a dry mouth while running errands. Put my car though the wash too. Looks ever so much better.

One of my errands was the library. Finished the book I had and picked up the new one. It’s awesome, I’ll be able to read some of the book before seeing the author at a book appearance on Wednesday. It’s a Minnesota author so he’s doing the rounds of Minnesota small towns.

Blueberry I used to love long hot baths, Dr Teals is so good. I don’t have a tub now!

It’s too late to nap now but I bet I can go to bed early tonight! Yeah I’m so jealous of those people who fall right to sleep. When I was a kid my vivid dream sometimes were terrifying and I’d wake the whole house screaming. Mum didn’t know what to do. I spent many a night under the covers with a flashlight reading.

I’ve always wanted to go to Niagara Falls it seems awesome. I’ve both a passport and the wallet card for Canada. But I don’t know if I’ll ever go. My back is so bad I don’t know if I could. I’ve still got a goodly amount from my inheritance and I want to go to the ancient spots in Scotland, wales and England. Iceland, Niagara Falls and all the Smithsonian sites in DC. But all the tours I find always discouraged any one with a walker or cane from joining them. I’m not brave enough to go on my own.

Lady shadow, welcome back.

My blood pressure is super high again. I don't like to jump the gun and go to the ER. Although its been consitently high for a few days.

I don't think its a pdoc issue though.

At least I'm losing weight without being a Wegovy person. I didn't take the easy way out

i saw pdoc last fridayand it went fine. i see psyd on wednesday. my tummy hurts so much after i eat today. i feel fine but it hurts. idk. maybe im deveoping an ulcer from my constant stress. im so read for school to be over. 7 more weeks.

Oh my god. My lip is SO swollen! It hurts so bad! Actually getting the piercing itself was fine. Only felt like a small, stingy pinch. But I've never had a piercing hurt this bad afterwards!!

@Blueberrybook

I was hearing Sleep Token playing, like it was coming from my phone, but no music was playing, and my husband assured me he heard no music. I actually have only been taking 200mg of seroquel a day (my full dose is 400mg) for the most part for the last nine days. The music may be because of the diazepam or the seroquel or the really nice weather we had today that felt like spring. Who knows.

Sorry to all of those struggling with sleep.

@LadyShadow way to make your bed!

I ended up not making it to the meeting at my church-I went for a walk instead. But, to answer your question @Blueberrybook the group at my church is a branch of St. Vincent de Paul which helps people who are struggling financially and with food insecurities.

I've been saying for weeks that I'll go to a volunteer meeting and still haven't gone. I realized today that, in general, I've been withdrawing into myself because I'm giving up on having connections with others. It's really hard for me to relate to other people sometimes, and I'm not a huge priority to the friends I have (it's always me reaching out to them). My life has been a constant cycle of people entering my life and then leaving it so I guess I've been withdrawing to protect myself because it feels like I'm once again losing the few friends I have since I never here from them.

I can't let this stop me though. I'm only 32 years old. If I live to be old, that's a lot of years of being by myself if I don't find ways to interact with others...loneliness sucks (I know many of you on here sadly experience this too...).

@June08:

Yeah, i'm in the same boat with MY friends. The young man student is super busy during the weekdays and has no time for me. Even on the weekend, sometimes he's travelling, visiting family, or spending time with his peers. I was really lucky to lure him into lunch on Sunday.

I don't fool myself into thinking that it'll be a regular thing. At least he is exceptional with his phone, and if i text him, he usually answers right away. His social skills are excellent too, so i don't feel rejected, or ignored, he just explains he's busy with work, and school during the weekdays.

My other friend has the problem of not being comfortable being spontaneous. She always wants to make an appointment to see each other. It's tiresome, because i really went all-out to spoil her when she was having a bad time, and i feel it's unreasonable of her to be so inflexible. I phoned her for breakfast yesterday, and she had 90 minutes before any commitments, time enough for a quick breakfast at a neighborhood diner...

And she REFUSED. She's so stubborn, or maybe it is just her age as she is about 78. She's still very sharp, and physically fit, and is just as active as me. It's just everything has to be on this tight, rigorous schedule, and i just can't plan that far in advance because i never know how bad my sleep will be.

I'm 58, June, so a LOT older than you, and i feel like giving up. It's always ME pursuing the friendship, ME making the contacts, ME inviting them over, ME treating them to a restaurant. It gets demoralizing.

I've learned to be happy doing things on my own, even eating in restaurants on my own. As long as there is a bar to sit at, i feel comfortable dining alone, sometimes chatting with the bartender if it's really slow, and they are responsive to my overtures. I feel conspicuous at a table dining alone, tho. I won't do that again.

And here i am: facing going to Cuba alone. I asked about seven people to join me. Splitting accommodations, the whole four-day trip would only be $500, which is good value. That's airfare + accommodations. But everyone has an excuse.

I couldn't even lure my own older sister into joining me. We're talking again. Turned out that dis the other day was a misunderstanding. She was at work on Family Day [she works in health care] and it was particularly hectic and chaotic.

She said she was sorry she just sent an emoji, that she should have texted back and explained that she was at work. So it was good i asked what was with the emoji response to my loving, robust, long text complete with a photo shoot of the dog i was babysitting and my luscious new gray faux suede furniture from my young man friend.

All these misunderstandings, and having to pursue an explanation, and sometimes even having to apologize myself, for i make errors too. It really makes me feel hopeless.

@Blueberrybook:

That's hilarious that you flew up to meet an online friend and had sex with him all weekend! I wish my friends were more understanding of that hypomanic behavior because in the Summer of 2022 i dated a 33-year-old who was EXTREMELY sensual, erotic, and sexy.

He was very urgent about wanting to have sex, and sent me all these sexy videos, that drove me wild with desire, it was so fun. We met up for hot chocolate and held hands, and his hand was warm, and blood-filled. He hugged me upon arrival and departure, a real full-on body contact bear-hug. I so WANTED him sooooooooo bad, but my friends talked me out of it, saying he was scamming me.

They said, why would a 33-year-old man be interested in a 55-year-old woman? I'll tell you why: because my mood was high, and i was a lot of fun, and with my hair dyed turquoise i can pass for forty, as i have a very young-looking face. The young man said he liked me because i was a good time, and "not gloomy." I guess the other women he dated whined and complained, while i belted-out Neil Young's "Heart of Gold," at the Farmer's Market we went to where there was a guitarist playing, but not singing. Everyone was happy with me!

Good for you for doing as you pleased, and indulging your hypersexuality. That was a great gift you gave yourself for graduating university. Well done! Bravo!

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As you can tell from the timestamp on this post, i'm up and not sleeping. The probem today is not so much insomnia, but a stomach ache from eating fast food, which i almost never do. Boy, it was really disgusting, i didn't even finish it but i guess even a small amount of fast food is enough to set me off. Lesson learned. I don't dare take a melatonin gummy even. Looks like it'll be a long night of knitting. Sigh!

I fell asleep around 7. I woke up at 2. I feel fine anxiety wise. Just a bit concerned with some other stuff.

Sorry for butting in, but Idk, sex is good, but a lot of risky sex (like that of manic hypersexuality) isn't (coming someone who had an incredibly expensive equally ineffective treatment for Hep C, has gotten herself into some quite dangerous situations, has hurt people by being "so in love" with them and then the mania escalates into stuff like multiple partners and being scarily masochistic and then when I crash they're ghosted. Oh, and I can't show my face at a local Dunkin's anymore (that's a long story I'm not posting publicly)). My first episode, I got carried away and INJURED my partner on accident. She was NOT pleased that day. She was also NOT pleased to find a pregnancy test in my bag a few weeks later. That was fun.

A healthy sex life is great. A sex life that hurts you and/or others because your libido is so gd high is not.

The new thread is here: Bipolar Check-in #87