Bipolar Check-in #86

Today has been a good day. A little boring, but good. I didn't get out of bed until 10 am, so slept about 12 hours. The main things I did were read outside for a bit, go for a walk, and go to Mass. Even though I didn't get out of bed until 10 am, I need to go to bed at a decent time because I need to be up to take my car in in the morning for an oil change and look over. Even though I have to be up, it will be nice to not have to work tomorrow.

Completely my fault-I had a burst of hypomanic energy today. I think it was a delayed effect of the energy drink I had. I bought a few as a long weekend treat to myself which is never a smart idea because I know they can sometimes cause hypomanic symptoms.

I'm not doing well. Our apartment changes the locks in less than two weeks haven't heard from the new apartment. Being homeless means moving states, loosing HUD, loosing psychosis clinic, meds, and therapist.

I can't sleep. I took melatonin. Things suck. I have all these small injection site wounds that aren't healing. Maybe I'll just frustrate myself to sleep.

I just ****ing hate everything right now.

I am having a guest today! A neighbor's Dachshund who is in Florida is staying with my one close neighbor, and the dog, and her exquisite cat do not get along. So i said i'd take the dog for the day, to give her lovely cat some peace.

So i will have two dogs underfoot, and don't expect to get much done. It will be fun having the Dachshund here, tho, he is a fun dog, very happy, and co-operative.

I texted with my neighbor in Florida, and he was all like, "I'm at Universal Studios at-the-moment... " I was like, yeah, i'm at home in our nth snowstorm of the year, with no end in sight.

I put on nature sounds instead of green noise and I fell asleep pretty fast. I feel ok this morning. I'm not frustrated and my stomach is ok. I skipped my work out today. I ate some peeled apple sIices to get some fruit in. I'm not that stressed about too much. I have a bit of cabin fever but it can be fixed by just going out to get an iced tea.

My blood sugar is 179. Blood pressure was 143/89. I'm just a bit sluggish.

@JaneOnceMore - How thoughtful of you to take the Dachshund for your neighbor. Dachshunds are fun dogs And I assume you have a dog of your own since you said you'll have 2 dogs underfoot? What breed is it?

@June08 I have to avoid energy drinks too. Even too much coffee sometimes gives me hypomanic symptoms.

Sorry about your housing situation @victoria's mom. That sounds so frustrating! You know what I hate the most is when things are up in the air and undecided and uncertain. It's very hard on a person.

@Blue_Bird Sorry about the dissociation. I had it pretty bad driving yesterday, just to the library and to get donuts for H as a post-birthday pick-me-up. I often dissociate driving which is horrible though I do keep a Spotify playlist going while I drive and sing along with that when I dissociate. It sort of helps. Glad you practiced the violin Do you have any lessons coming up?

Today has been going well for me though I am a bit tired. My period is due any time now, so I'm sure that's a big part of why I'm so fatigued. I took a long power walk this morning; the sunrise was beautiful! Had breakfast, read with he SAD lamp, drew a couple pictures (both in the creative corner). Probably will read more, and I'm toying with the idea of baking banana bread after lunch we'll see.

I also called and made an appt. with my gynecologist regarding the issue I posted about yesterday. I'm sure it will turn out to be nothing. I just don't want to pull a number like my mom; she ignored issues so long that when she finally went to the doctor and got diagnosed, she had stage 4 endometrial cancer, had to do the whole chemo/radiation bit and thankfully has been in remission for a year now, but that was scary.

Hope everyone has a great Monday!

every singel one of my clients canclled today including group! stupid ice

@Blueberrybook yeah I had a lesson last night , I have another one in a couple weeks

I did a watercolor painting today Hopefully it posts right side up. It’s a rose

Oh, that’s beautiful blue bird 🐦

Doing alright. Just a bit tired these days.

Thank you!

Great painting @Blue_Bird!

we have another weather system moving in tomorrow and wednesday. im praying my therapy doesnt get cancelled. i need me some therapy and i only go ever 2-3 weeks anyway.

I took about a 1.5 hour nap between 10:30 and noon. I was still sluggish until I took my second Coq10 1.5 hours ago. Also my blood sugar was 115 instead of 179. Then I felt a lot better. The second Coq10 really kills my appetite. But I have the energy to get my laundry done now.

I'm still pretty tired today despite taking about a 45 min. nap. I wish this fatigue would pass off! I did draw a pretty good outline of a cardinal that I hope to color tomorrow.

My sleep is horrible I fell asleep around 4:30 am and my alarm went off at 10 I had to get up and ready for therapy. I was dragging but therapy went well. It’s freezing cold out there so I took the bus. It goes door to door. The minus is I get there early, then I gotta sit and wait for it to come back. Altogether it adds about 50 minutes of waiting time. But it’s nice and warm. When I got back I joined the others for games.

Bingo is tonight but nah. I’m just not into bingo that much. Others really get into it but I don’t. Got a headache from not eating, didn’t have time before I left. Probably need water too.

Well, my beloved houseguest has come and gone. What a wonder and delight he was! Just the most lovely dog! He likes to be held. He'll snuggle with me until i have to get up to get a meal! I wrapped both arms around him.

He's about ten kilos, and very solid, with soft, soft fur. He followed me around. I rocked with him in my rocking chair. When i went to get out of it, he so loved it he climbed over my shoulder and down my back, just to stay in the rocker.

It's not the best for my back so i got a straight-backed chair and sat opposite him while he was curled in the rocker, and rocked him like a baby. He fell fast asleep and i watched him, buttered-up with love.

My own dog is a Schnoodle (a Schnauser-Poodle mix), @Blueberrybook, and i am delighted with her, adore her, and love her to bits. But she is more independent, and while she loves her belly rubs, she doesn't like to be held for more than a few moments. This guest-dog would like to be held forever!

Dogs are funny, each one has their own personality. You never know what you're going to get when you get a dog. You just know you'll love them unconditionally. There is something to adore about every dog, even rascals.

Ah, pet therapy!

I have about five loads of laundry to do, all prepared and lined up in the hallway, and my one close neighbor got me rolls of laundry coins. But i was so enthralled by this guest-dog that i got absolutely nothing done today. No matter, it was my only day to spend with him. Laundry i can do any old day.

My other friend is expected to come home from the hospital tomorrow, finally. She's been delayed due to snowstorms and the holiday today (Family Day [Ontario]). She'll take the day tomorrow to settle in, and then on Wednesday i will finally get to make her the apple crisp.

Looking forward to a culinary adventure, even tho i want to resist baking, since it's mostly empty calories. Apple crisp has some redeeming value tho, since it has fruit in it, rolled oats, and walnuts.

It'll be good to develop some expertise in making a dessert, so i can have something to serve when i have people over for coffee or tea. Good to have at least one dessert in my repertoire.

Went to bed at 8:30pm like a little kid last night. Got up at 1:00am, and did some good reorganizing. Got drowsy, and rested. Finally got up for good at 5:00am. I feel fine.

I tried to nap with the dogs this afternoon, and while i enjoyed playing with them, and snuggling them at floor-level (currently sleeping on an air mattress), i did not feel sleepy, and got up before long, and commenced rocking with my guest-dog.

I just don't seem to need much sleep. I am super glad i'm falling asleep at 8:30pm tho. Wish i could sleep straight thru til 5:00am, but can't deny that my place looks better than ever. I've redone the bedroom. I got rid of the enormous conventional bed that was overpowering the room, and now i can use it as a sleeping space at night and a dining/second living room during the daytime.

I have a rolling folding cot on order, and that is as fancy as i will get as far as beds go. I'm happy on the air mattress, which cost 1% of what my enormous conventional bed cost, but it is awkward getting up off the floor in the morning, so i think the cot will be a good solution, as i will be about a meter off the floor. And i can still put it out of sight in the closet for daytime and have my bedroom for dining/living purposes.

Went out in the snowstorm yesterday as i had time-sensitive documents to print-out at the mall. It wasn't bad, it wasn't cold, just snowy, and blowing. I wore my parka and mukluks, and was fine. The great thing about using public transit is that it runs in all sorts of weather. I waited only minutes for buses to arrive both ways. And they let me on free, on account of the weather!

What a great Family Day Holiday this has been, easily my best one ever. I had my best Christmas ever, my best Valentine's Day ever, and now this. It's shaping up to be one excellent life!

I ordered 4 cases of soda to be shipped from walmart because they couldn't be delivered for some reason. They came in a plastic wrapping instead of a cardboard box. I went to put them away and all 4 boxes were soaking wet. I found the culprit and it was luckily just 4 cans out of one case. But I had to take all the cans out of the cases and put them on the kitchen table and throw out the boxes. The carpet is fine thankfully but I got so out of breath I was coughing a lot and my teeth are still aching. I was doing it quickly before my mom got back with dinner. She would have been dropping f bombs and stuff and I just took care of it quickly and quietly. Idk if I should complain or not to Walmart.

My mom is picking up Dennys. Stuff I can eat like a cheese omelette and hash browns and whole grain pancakes. I'm not very hungry though

Had a good day. Did that painting that I posted earlier. Also practiced violin, figured out a part I was struggling with in a piece of music so that’s good. Also read a lot. Finished reading a book today. And meditated, journaled, played some of my videogame, took a shower. What am I forgetting.. oh yeah I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes.

Tomorrow I am hosting the coffee event for the seniors in the building. I’m not a senior, I’m 30 but the building management asked if I’d be willing to do it so I said yes. All it really entails is going down to the community room and setting up the coffee station and brewing coffee for seniors to have if they want. They have coffee days for all ages too but they have specific ones just for seniors too. Anyway doing that in the morning tomorrow. Then I have an appointment with my program manager. Then I have some company coming over, Papi’s previous owner is coming over to visit him again so that’ll be nice.

I feel really really good. Maybe it’s the increased Thorazine. I’m less paranoid. I’m starting to adjust to it too because I’m having less mood swings. When it was first increased to 300mg I was having mood swings. Now I just feel good most of the time and am sleeping really well. 8-9 hours a night EVERY single night.

I think violin and art are helping a lot too

Yesterday was a great day. We went for a scout in the bush to find a new prospecting spot, got down a bush track only to find it was too narrow, overgrown with bush and thistle to get further,so cut a turn around area and retraced our steps so as to get out without more scratches. This is dense thick prickle bushes, not at all someting that needs preserving. An introduced plant that serves no purpse persae. I spent a good hour cutting the foliage off the track edges so as to avoid yet more scratches. We did find a couple of spots I will go back to when nerves allow. We might do a few more trips out there walking in on foot, just to become more familiar, kind of working with the desensitisation idea. The Psychiatrist wasn't so helpful, although great intentions. I'm not sure why, they again recommended Seroquel despite my having rage issues on it. One cannot use it for sleep if it causes racing heart rage. When I spoke to them about this, they acknowledged and then in the same breath said that's what they thought was best. It would seem the only option I have available at the moment is challenging my belief that sleep is necessary every night.

Today is a great day. I'm tired. And alive. Listened to a podcast on expectations and disappointment. I found it interesting that disappointment is the indicator that we have had expectations, perhaps even not known at the time. And expectations not met, which lead to disappointment, are all based in fear of one sort or another. Fear of not being heard, not being seen, not being loved, not being understood. I've watched snippets of this info over the last few week, it really made sense today and hit home when I look at my past. Kind of as profound as emotions are chemicals, we put meaning to, which can be challenged. Its amazing how often I find an emotion rise and there's an automatic response, which I need to consciously think "ok, when did I decide that this is the most beneficial response to that feeling. So a morning of brain work.

Having a cuppa now, its warming up wonderfully. YAY. Stay awesome one and all

Didn't do much with my day off today. I couldn't go anywhere because the mechanic had my car all day. They didn't do a lot to it (just general tune up stuff since it passed 100,000 miles) but it took them 6 hours just to decide what they thought it needed and then another few to finally get the work done. I got a walk in though! There are signs of hot weather coming already so I got to get out while I can. My excitement for my walk (my favorite part of my day) turned in to hypomanic energy, but this calmed down by the time I was done with my walk. Two days in a row of evening hypomanic symptoms reminded me that this is what happened when I needed a med adjustment in December. Could be nothing though.

With how much seroquel helps my depression, I am going to play with things a bit and take 12.5 mg every night for a week or two and see how I feel (instead of 12.5-25 mg prn). If it helps my mood, and no side effects kick in, I'll ask my pdoc about taking a small dose of seroquel nightly instead of as a prn. I have had side effects kick in when I had taken it for about a week straight, but that involved some 25 mg doses so it's hard to say. Only one way to find out.

Can someone tell me what I'm doing wrong on here to not get acknowleded? I just want to know. Like lately the members who do talk to me will quote my posts and talk about their own expirences and they will get a lot of hugs on a post quoting mine.

Like I just want to know what I need to do to not be ignored.

Well, that's it. I've had it with my ignorant sister. I did a whole photoshoot today for her of the dogs and i on my luscious new furniture from my guest-dog's dad. I had my one close neighbor in to take the pictures. Twelve hours later, on this "Family Day" holiday, she still has only sent a thumbs-up reaction emoji to my text.

She just won't make time for me. Fine. There are other people in the world who will. There's no sense beating my head against a brick wall. She has her own life, her own family, and career. She has shown time and again, that she will not make time for me. I deserve better.

She's my only living blood relative, so i've been reluctant to cut the cord, but if she can't even spare a few kind words for me via text on this "Family Day" holiday, she is NOT my family. She's someone i knew briefly, a long time ago, and our relationship was mediocre anyways, as she was a junkie at that time.

Most of my memories of her, are her drunk or drugged. She tried to drag me down with her. She

I'll NEVER forgive her for getting high on all the drama around my

It was so irresponsible, and "Drama Queen" of her. She was drunk when she told me. Then she tried to hug me, as if we were sharing a moment together, her drunk out of her ffuucckkiinngg mind, and eager to share news that should have come from my parents. I pushed her away roughly.

I did not want to be touched by that junkie wwhhoorree, and i did not want to participate in the circus atmosphere that accompanied my brother's death, the whole living room crammed with relatives, and neighbors all getting off on the drama of it all. It sounded very much like a party, everyone boozing it up, and the noise level deafening, from all the excited voices of the big ffuucckkiinngg phonies.

Well, at least now i am free to leave my estate to my main support group. It's volunteer-run, and i know they could use the money. They do such good work. Just today, on a holiday, i was on our regular ZOOM call, a coffee social this morning.

It's so excellent that they run ZOOM events even on holidays. They had them for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, an online Christmas Party where i won a prize, (and felt much better), a Valentine's Party, and now here they continued regular programming on our Family Day holiday.

Neurodivergence does NOT take a day off. The other IRL support group just ffuucckkiinngg shuts it's doors on holidays, and during the week between Christmas and New Year's. It is unconscionable. What do they think? Just because it's a holiday, we don't need support? We need MORE support on holidays, not LESS. Irresponsible ffuucckkeerrss!

Anyways, it was always kind of phony to leave my estate to my nephew. He didn't even invite me to his wedding. He's never tried to contact me. I tried many times when he was young to be a part of his life, i showered him with gifts via mail.

I even moved back to my hometown once, because i knew i wasn't going to have any kids of my own, and this was the one opportunity to participate in the life of a child. That was such a failure, my sister just rejected my attempts to get the three of us together to do things.

My sister thinks she is in "recovery," and has "done a lot of work on herself." From what i can tell, she is still the same selfish, self-involved aasssshhoollee she always was.

She's just got a diploma, a career, and a family now. She's just a bbiiaattcchh!!! She's as weak, and un-self-aware as she always was. She's oblivious to her faults, and thinks she has improved herself, and evolved. She'll always be a junkie wwhhoorree to me!

So: good riddance to bad rubbish!

The image is of the ripped-up pieces of my will. Time for a new will, one that makes sense, is aligned with my values, and goes to an organization that has TRULY helped me, not just five distracted phone calls with my sister over the past 25 years (two of them to tell me family members had passed). I'll leave my money to an organization that helps me out for two hours an event, five days a week, and is there for me on holidays when life is particularly tough.

Cchhrriisstt, family sucks!

I've been busy with a ton of things.

Finally got my sons gift to him that lights up with a lioness and a cub with a beautiful saying on it to him. He had a orange cat named Tiger that he said all the time was his best friend. He thought it was about them. He was so excited and I corrected him and he wasn't that excited. My caregiver said I should have just let him think that. Today why don't you think of it as you and Tiger. He said I'll think of it as both.

He's on a high dose of seroquel, zyprexa, thorazine and invega
He sleeps a ton. He want to see if they can lower some. He ended up getting really bad low testosterone from the invega injection and my favorite movie for years was titanic and he'd want to watch it when he visited and he'd just cry and cry and cry. He dedicated it to Tigrr. I have to respond to ppl later he just called asking for things. I will also continue my check in.

Anyway there's a ton going on in life. Dealing with my son. Then a got an update form from ss. I filled it out wrong it was supposed to be all block letters and i didnt do that. Then i tried online but i couldnt make it out. I dont have a computer. And dshs randomly picked me to do an interview over the phone. The guy gave me a date that doesn't fit correctly. I got an automated call call that's different. So I'm just going to be ready for both dates. That stuff completely overwhelmes

So I'm a little stressed.me.