Bipolar Check-in #87

I spent almost 8 hours on the bus, train, walking today to sign my new lease and seeing it. It's small but has everything. Now the thing is it's almost a half mile walk from the bus to the apartment. So while the unit is ADA the area is not. I'm hoping as time goes on bus service will get better in that area. For now I have to find out how to take the handicap bus system. Which is more expensive. I think I'm going to get nickeled and dimed here. There lease had almost 60 pages of rules. Including a sobriety rule. Everything closes at 10 pm on property. I hate it because I feel like we're going to screw this up somehow. We grabbed 2 sandwiches and 2 drinks from the area and that was $40. It wasn't even large sandwiches it was sliced bread. We were kinda stuck being that we were out all day but now we know go the opposite direction of the train for food. I'm excited to move and worried, it's very upscale, I can preheat my oven from my bedroom with an app. So there's that. It's keyless entry. Just way over the top all in one washer dryer. Hopefully we can afford this place and get caught up on what we weren't able to pay February. It really has me worried with so many extra bills, now. There's no way to afford a car here.

Victoria’s mom it sounds quite nice I hope it works out.

🌈 I haven’t had that insurance company. Unfortunately the one I have now refused to pay for my ambien without a a doctor note, which always strikes me as annal as the doctor has already written the script!! Hope you are able to sleep without dreams or at lease have good entertaining dreams.

Sorry everyone. The page turned and I can’t scroll up. My memory is horrible but I wish all of you good sleep and and excellent dreams

As for me, last night was hard. I’m taking the full dose of ambien tonight. Been on a lower dose for three weeks but it’s not working. I had hoped I could lower it with the seroquel but no such luck. My neck is really hurting, I think the lack of deep sleep is exacerbating it. Or it might be time to look into more injections. I’m in no hurry though. I have my wellness appointment in May. That will be fine. But I’ve a weird thing that happens from time to time, my breathing sounds like a cats meow. I googled that and it’s a thing. It’s not constant so it can wait. But weird!

I’m glad the work day is over. My last class were horrendous. So loud and made so much noise. They’re my year 9 class. My year 8s did some lovely work on a research poster they’re doing for assessment on a natural disaster. No complaints there and my year 7s were just lovely. I’ll have to figure out some drastic measures for my year 9s because their revolting behaviour can’t continue.

My blood pressure was getting weird enough that I finally did something for once and called my primary doctor. He is putting me on a BP med and told me to continue to take it and if its still high to call him. My mom is on the same med and dose so she gave me one of hers before I get it from the pharmacy in the morning.

I fell asleep early after eating steamed chicken dumplings for dinner but then I woke up and watched the last half hour of Deal Or No Deal Island. I'm listening to Adele now.

Phew. Still trying to catch my breath. Just lying on my bed taking it all in. You’re all fast asleep in this world. And I’ve got a few hours to go before bedtime. Hoping I don’t wake up at 3:00am like I did a few times this week.

@Nammu I hope you get some rest

Thanks @June08 for praising me for being able to dine solo in public. It's really not that hard. The wait staff interacts a little. At the very least they are polite and professional.

Sometimes i luck into a staff who is interested in me. There was one bartender where i used to go (can't go there now because of an incident with hotel staff the bar and restaurant are located in) who was very keenly interested in me after i conducted a phone call that she listened to.

I had talked to my closest friend about recovery and the work of spoken word art i had done and my decision to leave it to be shared after my death. This extraordinary bartender asked what it was i had recovered from.

When i said i didn't feel comfortable saying, she praised me for setting boundaries, and saying No. She was really something special, so curious and brave. I enjoyed celebrating finishing the work of spoken word art with her and long to go back to see her again, but i won't set foot in that mediocre hotel again, so this really special woman bartender is lost to me forever.

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I went to an IRL support group tonight and there were interesting moments, but i suspect i have traits of anti-social personality disorder, i am being so assertive, and not caring if people don't like me anymore.

Like at one point two people were cross-talking while another tried to share and it was ME that stepped in and said, "One person at a time, please." The two who were misbehaving stopped immediately and the group functioned better after that.

It's just: Why is it ME stepping in and keeping order? Why didn't the facilitator intervene? I feel like i am somewhat of in an uncredited volunteer role in my support groups, IRL and ZOOM. I know it's better for everyone if order is maintained, but i'm not winning any friends.

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis since my diagnosis got changed from bipolar to prolonged grief disorder. It's a time of great upheaval. I know i've been a source of stress here on this forum at times.

I can't think what to do about it except get back to my old hobbies and develop new ones, so that i am not so bored and cranky and aggressive. One of my new pursuits is computer gaming and i'm hopeful that that will be a safe outlet for my aggression.

I'm certainly not having success socializing, and it bores me anyways. I only seem to like working, which i can do around the clock. But being on private disability benefits, there's no paid labor i could do that would earn as much as i currently make. And anyways, i've just been feeling better for two months, so it is far too early to consider a return to work.

I just have all this crazy energy and no place to put it. Maybe Scrabble is the best option, as it's so intense, and competitive. Maybe i could finally make the leap into Division One. I've been at the top of Division Two for about ten years.

It would be a big project to make the leap because they use the international lexicon in Division One, and it has about 40% more words. Beaucoup studying, but i'm a good studier, good at independent work.

I'm just not that interested in Scrabble tho. But if the alternative is being bored, frustrated, cranky, and aggressive, maybe it is the best option. It's interactive, and the people are all really smart, and interesting.

I've made a huge investment in it already, and have developed decent mastery. Scrabble club is tomorrow evening, so i will make my re-appearance. There's a great deal of skill still left to be developed, techniques i'll have to learn to exploit to play Division One, so that'll keep me busy.

Just bored, frustrated, and tired of trying to get along with people. Scrabble is a mostly solitary pursuit, as you spend six days a week working on it alone, with club one day. There's the possibility of weekend tournaments and travel too.

I'm just not too happy to be reworking a hobby i thought i was done with. But humans require the precisely correct degree of stimulation, and i'm not getting it right now.

I somewhat feel that i would make a good manager. My command of people is absolute and i find it easy to manipulate people. They may not like me, but they do as i say. Again, not winning any friends, but do i really care about that?

I'm not likeable, but i admire people who are arrogant, and have contempt for all of humanity. We ARE nasty pieces of work. I'm just not good at socializing, and i suspect it's just not suited to me, so i better find other outlets for my energy, or else i am going to alienate everyone i interact with.

Men seem to like me a lot more than women. They seem to be on the same wavelength i am, and just want to get things done, like i do. The bus driver let me ride for free today, just because he liked my vibe.

I do well with the immigrant men. They all seem to want to help me. But the world is more diverse than that, so i have to modify my vibe for dealing with Western people.

I somewhat feel i was born in the wrong hemisphere. I get along great with people from the Eastern hemisphere, but i just don't have the patience for people from the Western hemisphere.

Maybe i should just go live in Malaysia. I might retire there. My mortgage is up in February of 2027, and then i'm free to sell and relocate. Looking forward to getting out of the Western world. So just the rest of 2025 left here, all of 2026, and the first part of 2027. Can i last?

There's also the problem of international travel while Trump is in office. The news about Cuba and the Laken-Riley Act is so horrifying i've decided against Cuba. Also, the power is out in Varadero. So that's a big project that's not happening.

So: Really having a hard time managing myself lately. Losing control, regaining it. It's exhausting. Not sleeping well. Poor impulse control. Being anti-social. It's a very messy time.

@Blueberrybook:

Thanks for your kind words about my sketch. I kept ahold of it all thru the four years of chaotic living from 29-years-old to 33-years-old, thru five hasty, and unwise moves. I moved from my current city, to Thunder Bay, down to Kingston, back to my current city briefly, then in a wild, and impractical decision, way out West to Vancouver, where i knew no one, and had no support, not even medical, and back to my current city, when my private disability benefits appeal finally settled in my favor.

So that tells you how much the sketch means to me, that i kept it all thru that time of intense suffering, and upheaval, moving five times in four years.

When i made the last move, I dropped everything as soon as my cheque dropped, broke my lease, donated the contents of my apartment to charity, stuffed my suitcase, grabbed a taxi, hit the airport with no idea of when the next flight back East was, and FLED.

But i kept ahold of that sketch, from my teens, safe and sound! Sometimes i wonder how i am still in one piece, all the crises i've lived thru, years of living dangerously, and reckless behavior.

I rented at first, when i came back from Vancouver, as i was pretty sick, and suffering from exhaustion, and in no shape to house hunt, and last thru the pressure of applying for a mortgage, and tolerate escrow.

The Superintendent saw me move in with just one single suitcase and I guess it raised a red flag with him, because he gave me a lecture about how he wouldn't tolerate any "shenanigans"!!! Hahaha!!!

Thanks to @Crazy Hitch and @raspberrytorte for making it thru my long, long post. I appreciate it, pals!

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I slept well, from 1:00am to 6:00am, so a total of five hours. Really feeling much better for getting some decent sleep. I hope that i can be a more pleasant Jane, now that i'm logging the hours.

I have a ZOOM support group event at 9:30am to 11:30am. There's Scrabble tonight at 7:00pm to 10:00pm, but sometimes it's hard to get myself to go out in the evening after sunset in the Canadian Winter. I might go early, for 5:00pm, before sunset, and have dinner in a nearby diner, just so i get THERE in the daylight.

So i'll leave around 4:00pm, to get to the diner for 5:00pm (rush hour, way far West, public transit is not good), so really all i have to dispose of today is now til 9:30am, total three hours, and then 11:30am to 4:00pm, so total 4.5 hours. Grand total of seven hours.

I can knit. I'm making a scarf with three strands of yarn, all variegated. Two strands of chunky weight, and one of sport weight. It's going well, but slowly. Image attached.

I can make up some hand-written score sheets for Scrabble, and brush up on my short words, so i don't embarrass myself tonight. I haven't played in two months, and am out-of-practice.

So that's the plan for today. Keep busy, and stay out of trouble. Feel like listening to some Jimi Hendrix, but i only like listening over my external BOSE BlueTooth speaker, and it's pretty early for that. I'll put it on low, and get away with it. I got a smart watch, and it can even play music from my phone! Too cool!

I love you all, even the ones i was nasty too, and have the utmost respect for all the suffering you've all lived thru, and many are currently still suffering. It got better for me, and while i'm having a crisis right now, i had a 28 years of calm, peaceful living, tho only functioning at about 50% due to unnecessary psych meds from a mis-diagnosis in 1991, before prolonged grief disorder was discovered.

I wish only the best for you!

I slept pretty well. I went back on Facebook for the first time since Janurary 20th. I didn't make a big deal about how I was back. I just posted a Spongebob picture that reminded me about my cat. RuPaul said something like "if they aren't paying you're bills, pay those *****es no mind." Its just the same people on facebook posting the same stuff. I'm very private so I didn't post anything thats going on

Ugh, woke up at 3:30 AM this morning, what is it with me lately? Well, I did go to bed around 8 PM yesterday as I was so tired. I did see this morning that I had taken the gabapentin I have in my morning meds yesterday morning. I usually do not take it unless I think I need it; maybe that with lack of good sleep & my period made me extra tired. I skipped the gabapentin this AM. Perhaps I should just move it to my PM container; it might help with my sleep more?

Not feeling great today, this period is kicking my butt. You'd think with hardly any flow (sorry, TMI but I could use 1 regular pad in 24 hr or longer except I don't of course for hygiene). Fatigue, not so bad as yesterday, but instead how about NAUSEA?! Ugh. Laid down in bed 2 hr., slept a little, finally got up because no one was going to fold laundry, which I just wanted done. Then, it occurred to me my gynecologist had prescribed me generic Zofran for exactly this, so I took one and I'm going to lie down again. I hope it helps.

My blood pressure is 162/97 but I'm not anxious so I guess I just try to calm it down by Iying down and drinking water. Idk. I'm not in a panic about it and neither is my mom. I took the first dose of the BP med this morning. Honestly, I'm not anxious about much of anything today. I just put new batteries in the machine. All my doctors have been monitoring my BP since its been high at all my appointments. Even my kidney doctor has been keeping an eye on it.

But yeah. My anxiety is ok.

@Blueberrybook - I hope you feel better soon and that the Zofran helps.

Hello. It’s been awhile. Mom’s dementia has been progressing and along with my health issues - I’ve got my hands full.

Only my heart and stomach need to be attended to now. I healed from the severe anemia and my kidneys and liver look good. Not great but good. I’m having frequent chest pain so my cardiologist is going to look at my heart and lungs with a sophisticated machine (don’t remember the name of it) to see if any procedure needs to be done in the near future. There seems to be a blockage in my stomach and I’m having a gastric study done next week to figure out what next steps are.

Bipolar wise I’m doing really good. I’ve been working on it for a long time now. I don’t have SI, depression or anxiety any more and I’m pretty stable most days. If I do get down, it’s gone quickly. This is a big change from the days when I was constantly S.

In the next 4 weeks, mom and I are going to a farm that grows thousands of Tulips. You can pick them for $1.50 each or $18 for a dozen. I’m looking forward to that. Of course sunflowers are my favorite flowers followed by tulips.

I won’t be able to go to Panama City this year (not strong enough) so I’ll have a staycation while everyone is away. Floating at the pool, watching the sunset, fresh, chilled watermelon and fireflies and then snuggling up on the couch with mom’s dog to read a good James Patterson book. Perfect.

I hope everyone is doing okay.

Still not feeling great today. I only drew one decent picture, tried to draw a couple of optical illusions but neither turned out. Probably going to have chicken noodle soup for lunch and read. I may have to catch up on posts tomorrow.

Day 5 after the big move, and i am mobile again! I could tell yesterday that my right hip was starting to un-pinch, and today i am not listing at all. I rearranged a few things that were awkwardly placed, and now i can start to a) get back into my old patterns and 2. Start some new patterns. My resting these past few days did not negate the strength gains i had made the month before.

UnaLuna I don’t think I have another move in me. Congratulations on getting though that!

I went to bed earlier and took the full dose of ambien but still had trouble falling asleep. Slept too late again. I’ve a need to set my alarm and get up in the morning. Maybe that will help me fall asleep earlier? Something needs to change!

Tonight is the author talk at the library. I’ve hardly read any of the book. He, Eskens is an excellent writer it’s just me who’s being a slow reader. My eyes get so dry. I bought more liquid gel tears but left them in the car. It’s not like living in a house and you can just run out and get them.

Guess I should get reading.

Stomach is so-so, but OMG, I hurt everywhere, all over. It's a fibromyalgia flare, I'm pretty sure as I'm not running a temp, no sore throat, etc. I haven't had a flare in over a year, and this is a really bad one, the type where even the shower water hitting my skin hurts, where I don't want anyone to touch me. I really hate these.

Having an okay morning. Feeling quite hungry but determined not to eat until lunch time then I’ll have a salad. Go me. Not at work today but I have a return to work meeting on Teams at 11:30am. Not particularly looking forward to the meeting. Next week I will be working 4 days a week. Not much looking forward to that either but on Thursday I only have Year 7 and they’re quite good so there’s that to look forward to! I’ll be posting later on just sipping my coffee.

I got my contacts. It took awhile to get them in. I had both the technican and eye doctor helping me. At one point I said "I'm not sure I can do this" but I finally did and I left with a trial pack to wear for a week and then I'll see her again in a week to finalize things. She didn't dialate my eyes, she'll do it next week. She did go over my records from 2020 and said there wasn't any mention of cataracts. So thats not good. It means they are developing.

But yeah I think the contacts will be easier to get in without a technican right next to me helping, the doctor coming in and out helping, and a deIivery guy in the room stocking stuff. Lol.

Feeling a bit better after spending most of the day in bed. I've read all the posts but really don't have it in me to comment on them all, hopefully, everyone understands. @JaneOnceMore Looks like your scarf is coming along great; I once tried joining a knitting group, but everyone there was already a pro, and I was so behind and just not getting it, I gave up.

@Nammu - Sorry about your sleep woes and problems procuring Ambien. Prescription coverage is crazy!

@unaluna - Glad you are doing better after the move. Moving is so disruptive.

@Sunflower123 - Sorry about your mom's dementia. It is so hard. My paternal grandfather died from Alzheimer's, such a brilliant man and it was very rough on my grandmother. I'm glad your bipolar has at least been stable. That outing to pick tulips sounds awesome! I wish tulips grew around here!

@raspberrytorte - Are you still hearing the music? I was going to ask, why did you decrease your dose of Seroquel? I know it is not the funnest drug in the world, but every time I've tried the trick of halving my dose, I've ended up manic and/or psychotic, and last time, boy I only just avoided another psych hospital stay.

@LadyShadow My heart goes out to you. I have been saying a prayer for you every day in the hopes that things start looking up for you.

I haven't done much today but lie in bed. Well, I did take a walk in the early morning, and shouldn't have as I was already feeling blah. My stomach is still off though I did have a small lunch and later a piece of toast. I think I am going to end up having soup again for dinner because I really don't feel wonderful at the moment.

The fibro flare is still there but thankfully has calmed down quite a bit after I spent most of the day in bed, resting, not even reading or on my iPad, just resting/sleeping.

But my mood is doing a bit better now, and I'm hopeful tomorrow I will feel a lot better. Even so often, I get really bad period cycles and sometimes that causes a fibro flare (not to mention allergens are high outside too and that messes with the fibro as well).

Sorry for all I missed as well as any and all typos!

I’ve decided not to go to the author talk. I’ve got a good parking spot. I might not get another if I leave. I’m finding the book hard to read. It’s about the Bosnian war and I know characters I like are going to die. The main character is a woman and this war was especially heinous to girls and woman. Lots of suspense and thriller acting with mystery. But a bit to real for me. I remember the special reporting on this war, it was awful. I read a tiny bit at a time then watch tv. Haven’t decided to completely stop the book. He’s an excellent writer, but I am gonna take my time. Definitely not reading this book at bedtime.

Blueberry I hope you feel better soon. I’ve a friend who has flares, they exhaust her.

Sunflower,,

Shadow, hang in there! It is worth it. Don’t let your ex’s mom get to you.

Nice! Hope you enjoy your new contacts. I’ve always wanted to try them but been afraid to. Im probably just gonna stick with regular glasses the rest of my life I think

I had a ****** ****** ****** day today. Like really really bad dealing with something immensely stressful right now. Trying to focus on what’s in my control and not catastrophize. I played my videogame and ate some ice cream to cope with the stress lol

@Blue_Bird I swear a tub of icecream fixes everything lol

It does! lol