Bipolar Check-in #87

i just wanna sleep

Sends soft clouds for a peaceful sleep @HALLIEBETH87 way

I woke up right before midnight with a pounding headache. I have no clue where it came from. I took a couple tylenol and I tried a cold compress and I fell back asleep. I wonder if its my new BP med or poking at my eyes too much. But it was bad. Today I feel ok but my eyes still hurt a bit so I'm not sure if I should wear my contacts. I had a real hard time getting that right one in.

I don't know what's going on with me and sleep this week. Last night, I woke at 2:30 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. Of course, I did have a nap yesterday, but Monday & Tuesday nights I woke around 3 AM, 3:30 AM. I put my gabapentin (600 mg) in my night meds to see if that will help. I never noticed it helping before but we'll see. I was already taking a gabapentin at night (600 mg). The instructions say take one in the morning, one at night, but I've had other docs see to take them both at night, going to try that.

Sorry if I don't respond to other posts today. It's hard with too little sleep.

Ty I did sleep but I’m
Just so sleep lately. Im super busy and it’s tiring!!!’

My thyroid labs were
Normal so that good. It’s back to where it should be.

I got my new tmj bite guard. Luckily insurance paid half so it was only $160! I paid $400 at the dental school for my last one years ago. And their digital impressions are so accurate it require no adjusting. Literally popped it in and it was perfect. I had to go back 4 times last time bc it didn’t fit right. Crazy cool!

I go to a dual diagnosis and mi training next Tuesday with my practicum agency. Im excited bc I like that type of thing.

@HALLIEBETH87 Sorry about your lack of sleep, but that is great news about your thyroid levels.

I'm pretty tired and think after lunch I will try a nap. I did pilates, read with the SAD lamp and hopefully will finish my library book today. I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my daughter's prescription toothpaste; then, I got home and H told me he was out of deodorant, so back to the pharmacy I drew 3 pics, all in the creative corner. Nothing really astonishing, but I am almost happy with the still life except I need to fix the dimensions of the lamp shade.

Woke up at 4:40am. Ughhh that’s not the time to wake up. Just finished a cup of coffee. Might have another one in about half an hour. Did my weekly weigh in. I’m on target with the loss. Just a bit more would have been great but I did lose so I’ll keep that as a win. I see my gp today at 11:00. I could think of better things to do but unfortunately I need the appointment. Upping my hours at work next week and will be working 30 hours over 4 days. I got this.

Even when I avoid my treatment team for my own well being, they hunt me down... I was having a decent day.

Did this painting a few minutes ago. Just a quick watercolor because I was bored. I’m going to the movie theater later tonight to see the horror movie The Monkey so am looking forward to that. And on Saturday I’m going to go see the new Captain America movie. Inspection was today it went well

My headache is off and on today. Its mainly my right eye bothering me. I took Tylenol half an hour ago so its ok now. My blood pressure is still an issue. My doctor told me to keep taking it so I just did and its 147/102. So idk. I feel ok overall. I'm lying down to try to get it down. Therapy went fine today. She didn't give me a hard time about anything. So I feel fine besides the BP and even that I'm not feeling anything really.

Beautiful painting @Blue_Bird!

@Blueberrybook

I started hearing music again, having bizarre thoughts that were not my own, getting paranoid (like thinking someone was trying to unlock our apartment door and actually HEARING it and seeing our lock move), and decided that wasn't good, so I went back on my full seroquel dose. 😊 My sleep and everything was fine. I just knew I was starting to go psychotic. I feel much better now. I hope your fibro calms down and you feel better. 🙏 As usual, love your drawings.

Thanks! I also did one of lemons today

Input needed or thise whoget pychosis...

do you get disorganized thinking every time youre psychotic? I dont. Ive have 4 dr tell me i have SZA even my psyd but even he said i dont get disorganized and stay pretty coherent. thoughts? i was seeing ants running all over my desk at work and other things but still able to think kinda clearly. my newish but seasonsed pdoc says im unique bc im able to go to school with this illness but hes only known me when i was at a slight struggle NOT when full blown manic/depressed and psychotic. the last 5 years ive been in school havent be easy but i also havent been as sick previous years. ive been out of IP for 5 yeasr come may but he also didnt know i used to self harm which has been gone for 5 years too.

overall im MUCH better at managing symptoms but i mean 4 dr have all said bc i get halluincations and fixed delusions with paranoia even whenim not in a mood episode that its SZA. thoughts? i remember some crazy stuff ive done such as thinking satan was attacking and controlling me. id self harm bc i thought he was making me even in IP. then id carry and cross around inmy pocket and sing praise music to protect myself. i dont do that when im stable lol

I don't really know. I definitely have had disorganized thoughts, but I don't think every time I get psychotic I get them. One of my prior docs said other docs probably thought I had psychotic disorganized thoughts when in reality I just have severe ADHD and have read a lot of textbooks so things may seem "disconnected" but if I'm asked I can explain the connection and it actually makes sense.

I too am in the "is it sza or bp?" mystery zone, but honestly it doesn't make a difference. Antipsychotics are treatment either way. Just not always 100% a necessity in all bipolar cases.

Well, my psychosis follows really directly after full mania and it's BAD. I would call my thinking pretty darn disorganized. I don't remember a lot of it. I always KNOW I'm talking to God and learning all sorts of secrets and feeling like I can do anything. Definitely don't want to sleep. I start throwing up and not really talking to people. I just apparently walk all over the house randomly throwing up places; when I start that now, H just takes me straight to the psych ER. Flashes of H speeding through red lights thinking cool, we can get through all the traffic lights just for me. I see things, mostly what I think is Heaven Not much remembrance of intake, maybe a remembrance of a CT or something and them having trouble getting me to lie still then just blankness for days, still thinking I'm talking to God, yelling, sometimes police around, got a couple of court orders for holds of a certain period (not that I knew that until I came out of it), saying/screaming things I'd never even THINK in real life (from the little I recall), mostly amensia for days on end (nearing to a week until the APs kick in), screaming, more God showing me secrets of the universe, last time I lost my voice from screaming and was put in restraints and really (TMI and adult diaper). Um, so yeah, my psychosis is really pretty obvious, no hiding it.

In mania I will get auditory hallucinations which if not reigned in often turn to psychosis. The only good/neat part about the psychosis was the talking to God bit. I never did think I was God, just He was talking to me but it was always a positive experience. (Parts of me at times want to get psychotic again just for the God part.) I've forgotten nearly everything else that happened while I was psycotic (including an ambulance ride to and from another hospital after a seizure that I guess looked like the real thing but was a PNES type seizure). I don't remember a thing of any of it; H tells me it was a nightmare as it was actually on Thanksgiving day, the hospital was understaffed, we were there waiting forever and ever.

I had an appointment with my pdocs NP and I'm not sure if I was too honest. I told her all the health stuff that was going on and she said "you know Geodon can cause that?" And I do I know my Geodon could be causing my BP and cholestrol issues. I just didn't want to admit it because Geodon got me stable in 2007. I know it can cause heart issues the way Lithium can cause kidney issues. I see my pdoc in a couple months. So I'll see what he says.

The times I was psychotic I feel I made a lot of sense. But I’m sure to others it was disorganized. To me the universe came together and trees were at the center of it. I made other people very uncomfortable. I was super focused on research and proof. I ignored such things as sleeping and eating. When hospitalized I was very irritated I did not have my boooks or access to a library. I wrote and wrote and drew what proved to be utter nonsense when I came down. Trees were god.

I’m not sure about the disorganised thinking but when I’m psychotic they’re always religious ideations. And I only get psychotic when I’m fully manic. I don’t suffer from psychosis when I’m stable. I once thought I was an angel here on earth. Another time I believed I was a disciple here on earth and I was the chosen one to speak the good news about God. I’d say if you get hallucinations and delusions when you’re stable that more lends itself to SZA, from what I’ve read.

@Blue_Bird I love your paintings! So bright and colorful!

After my much-needed nap, I gave my lampshade a bit of surgery, still not as good as I'd like but before than before:
Before:

And after:

My sister told me if I wanted it perfect, then I might as well take a picture! I guess she has a point!

I received a scam call today. I was expecting a call and the number looked legit so I answered. The scammer tried to get me to give him my email address and other details, but I didn't fall for it and hung up after a couple of minutes.

I'm still waiting for the psylocibin trial, which was supposed to happen during January. I called the clinic (I needed my pdoc's help to get the number, they hide it really well!) and they're going to get back to me to let me know what's happening.

I saw my pdoc today and mentioned that I'd like to explore stopping my meds after the trial. She's on board with it (she made the suggestion last summer) so I'll do that after the trial.

I'm still feeling really low but I'm managing somehow. No idea how or why, but I'm hanging on.

My anxiety is better but I noticed that I still get anxious in stressful situations. It expresses itself in different ways depending on the situation. I have become more observant and am now more able to manage myself to cope with the stress. It's not perfect, it doesn't work all of the time but I do have some success, which is encouraging.

i was seeing bugs and things recently when i wasnt manic or depressed. i felt fine. like felt normal except that I would see ants run all over my desk and see silver confetti falling from the sky. a few dasy after starting a higher dose of risperdal it all went away. weird huh? my mood never changed
i HAVE had times where i forget whast happened because i was so psychotic. i dont remember any of my 15 ect treatments either. thats scary not remembeirng weeks. i do remember lastt ime IP in 2020 i kept telling the nurses how i could fly and hear colors. i was gloriosuly manic and psychotic. i was cycling between mania and depressiona nd slept 2 hours a night.

I actually like the before picture because it had flare! Reminded me of a still life of his room by Van Gogh

My art class was hard. It’s just for fun no grades or anything but boy I learned a lot. It’s nice being taught by a real teacher. Most of the classes are by artists so their ability to teach varies greatly. But now I need to practice, practice, practice! I’m terrible at doing things on my own. This was a gouache class. Saturday I have a watercolor class then nothing for a while. I have all the supplies I need to work at home. I need to get inspired by blueberry and bluebird.

The NP raised my lamictal a bit to help with my health anxiety. I took the extra 25 then I fell asleep for 3 hours. I woke up and ate a frozen cheese omlette for dinner. My head and eye pain are gone and I feel pretty good.

I went to the movie theater and saw The Monkey. It was good. I was literally the only person in the theater so I watched the movie alone in an empty theater lol

Thank you for the compliments on my paintings, I’m really enjoying painting

Anyway I have a headache now so I’m waiting for some ibuprofen to kick in

It’s been a loooooooooong day. At the moment I’m laying in bed with one of my cats listening to music and about to finish a book