Bipolar Check-in #87

I took another 4 hour nap yesterday. These naps just started Friday I think. But my anxiety has majorly improved since stopping my blood pressure med. I feel so much better mental health wise. Last night I fell asleep at 10. I woke up at 2:30. I fell back asleep at 7 and struggled waking up at 9. I see my GI this afternoon. But I feel good today.

@Nammu Butterflies are hard to draw. I did one today from the 15 min nature book, but eh, it was colored mostly in black marker, and I don't think I did very well with it.

Last night before I fell asleep I started having paranoid thoughts which really is unlike me. I mean, I guess it was good I recognized them as paranoid thoughts, but it would be better if I hadn't had them at all. I slept pretty well until my cat Pecan started walking all over me and woke me up at 3:55 AM. Ugh. I fell back to sleep finally but still ended up getting up at 4:45 AM. I took a long power walk, and unfortunately I dissociated a lot at the beginning of my walk along with having flashbacks. Probably took walking for 30 minutes before it finally stopped and I could enjoy my walk.

I showered, had breakfast and read for 1.5 hr with the SAD lamp. At least I had good concentration reading and am enjoying my book. I drew but today's drawings were all a bit meh (in the creative corner forum). I think I petered out after drawing a butterfly & coloring it in marker. And H was having an online meeting in the next room, so it was distracting hearing his part of the meeting, not as relaxing as usual I guess. Maybe the Sharpie fumes from coloring made me a bit la-la!

Anyway, hoping for a better afternoon. My allergies have calmed down. A lot of oak trees in the area have dropped their pollen, and I'm wondering if that was causing me so much fatigue and very itchy eyes. Yesterday was the first day in a week or so I haven't had to nap in the afternoon.

HUGS to everyone having a rough time. I am lucky that I feel pretty stable and happy at times lately. It is nice to know that I still can feel happy, and I'm very grateful for this period of stability.

At last! I’ve made it to Thursday! It’s my good teaching day on my timetable today. Hallelujah I can breathe a sigh of relief lol.

Hope you’re all having a good day 😊

Finished my drawing, did a sandwich which turned out great and a swan I need to work on some more. The shading is off.

Dreams were vivid and uplifting despite taking place in a dystopian future. Women were strong with the fight to regain USA. But I woke up late and. Haven’t even gotten dressed yet. Do have my hearing aids in and the sound on the Tv so I’m not totally isolating. But ehh, people aren’t my cup of tea today. But I do dearly miss Sir. A cat would be perfect.

I’m proud of myself. I started dissociating earlier today and I used the dive reflex/Tipp DBT skill and then meditated after that and after both of those it stopped. Which is crazy cause normally nothing is able to stop my dissociation once it starts except sleeping and resetting. But it’s been like 2 or 3 hours since I did those two coping skills and I feel great. It didn’t come back.

I got my neighbor (Papi’s mom (his previous owner) a birthday gift since her birthday is on Sunday. She stopped by and visited the other day. She’s so sweet.

Glad your anxiety has improved

@Nammu and @Blueberrybook glad you both are enjoying drawing! I actually just got a new drawing book recently so I’m excited to start on the exercises in that

Sorry you dissociated Blueberry , glad it went away though. Your drawings look great as always!

@Crazy Hitch hope you have a good day teaching!

I was hoping to go into my GI appointment and be all like "I want to get off my stomach med and focus on making life style changes."

And she was basically like

"Your esphoagus is effed up and you need a new stomach med and a new nausea med and a repeat of an endoscopy in 2 months to make sure it didn't turn into cancer."

Well that certainly went as planned. But I have never dealt with a nicer female doctor before.

She could see the Xray from the ER.

My knee X-rays came back. I posted the results in my other thread. Just put a lidocaine patch on my knee.

So my ED messed up my teeth. They can save the top but 2. And they have to get rid of the bottom but 2. I have absolutely no enamel. So they pulled a tooth and crowned another today. Tomorrow they're going to do more. They seem to be trying to fix the top while waiting for the bottom denture. All together it's going to cost close to $600 with my insurance. That's because I have to pay for the bottom denture because Medicaid wants me to wait 6 months without bottom teeth. So that's what we are doing I'm so glad I didn't let them pull everything 2 years ago. So lots of ice cream these next few weeks.

Today was a crazy day. I went to a meeting, that was really good and did a scavenger hunt on "things in the church" with my friend and her 5 kids. Then I spent some time in adoration.

Then my friend who got locked up in Virginia called. She got released somehow from Virigina and ended up in Raleigh which is an hour away. She left me a voicemail saying she wanted to come home and "you should start making your way to Raleigh now" almost as if I am expected to drop my whole life and save her butt. I got mad. Who does she think she is? Does she think I am a complete pushover? I definitely wasn't dropping everything to go get her. She then started with the guilt trip texts - "I have no one, I have no money, it's getting really cold" I feel bad for her I really do. But when did she become my responsibility? Her mom put a restraining on her, she hasn't called me in months, and all of a sudden, I am her ONLY friend who can help her?

I feel like this is too much for me. My mom, my sponsor and my friend said that I am just getting over what happened last year, and I am just now starting to take care of myself. She wants me to go to all the way to Raleigh and bring her home? Home where? The Oxford House she was living in gave her bed away, she was probably assuming she could come live with me. No Ma'am.

I am the point where I don't know what I can do to help people. Jesus says to help people in need, but this is beyond what I can do.

I texted her some homeless shelters in Raleigh and told her to go to my old rehab, they will take her in. She hasn't responded. She's probably mad, but I really have done all I can do.

there was a riot at a psych hospital in my city. teenage kids lost their cool and beat a staff and left nurses locked in their station to try to stay safe. this will not help the stigma of mental illness in my city. people are already making fun and saying that mentally ill people are violent thanks to the president. this wont help

I gotta start calming down in a bit so I won't be worked up for my CT scan. I need to keep things lowkey for 12 hours. But I'm still kinda unsettled about the GI. Not to mention I have Friday and the eye doctor to get through too.

Lady shadow it’s like they say on the airplane. You gotta put the oxygen on yourself first. I agree you need to make sure you’re in a stable place before you open your door to others. You offered her choices of places to go and told her about the rehab that helped you. She plays the guilt card cause she is still deep in her manipulation behavior. I agree with the others you are just now starting to sound like yourself again.

Thank you so much @Nammu ! I am JUST starting to feel and sound like myself again, like literally just in the last week. I was literally on my couch drowning during January and February. Update on her: she found an Oxford House to take her in, in Raleigh. They have more resources and job opportunities there anyway. She is better off. My town is so small compared to the capital, she will have more of a chance out there, I wish her the best.

As for me, my mood is up and down. I've gained a little bit of weight from feeling like myself again, so I need to hit the gym. My heart is still hanging on a thread these days, but I am learning that I have to give it to God. I know its a cliche thing to say, but time really does heal all wounds, so I just have to be patient.

Not quite sure what I am going to do tomorrow. I've been out every day this week, so it might be a nice day to sit home and relax. But I know myself - if I don't get an email, or I end up thinking too much I can end up self-destructing, so I think I should keep the momentum going by going to a meeting, spending time at adoration, and trying to go to the gym,

I hope everyone had a really good day today, and having a great night as well.

One of my coworkers, in a very small way, saved the day today. Maintenance did some work that made my room smell really bad for a couple of hours. So, I took my class outside so we wouldn't get a headache and to just get away from it. I was out there for back to back classes, so about two hours. It was a little warm and I was starting to overheat (the temp was safe to be outside, my POTs just causes me to overheat easily). Out of the blue, my coworker appeared with an iced tea for me. It was exactly what I needed to help my body cool off.

Tomorrow, I am going to try a new activity with one of my classes. They are going to get a certain set of supplies and they need to try to design the device that will cause a cotton ball to fall at the slowest pace. They'll drop their cotton ball from about 2 meters high and we'll see which group's device falls the slowest. It might end up being a complete flop of an activity, but it's worth a shot.

Oh June, the cotton ball activity sounds fun!

Thank you for your input. That was very kind. The thing is is I can't do the cpap. It makes me cough too much. I think it's bc I vape, only nicotine, weed makes me paranoid. I need a bipap. But they want you to do the cpap. I'm hoping they won't force the cpap on me and will let me do the bipap.

I've been busy organizing. Doing tons of laundry of clothes I'm keeping. I'm really glad. I lost another 6lbs! Just goes to show you how much meds can make your appetite increase from meds.

I hope everyone is well. Big hugs!

I’ve been up since 2:30ish a.m. it’s now 10-to-5:00. I did go to bed really early.

I could use some caffeine right now. And crackers.

Today is a bright, beautiful sunny day. I woke up and it was shining from my window. I think I am going to get all dressed up again today to make myself feel good. I really want to hit the gym today too, but I have a ton of laundry and grocery shopping to do.

My moods have been up and down. For the most part, I feel really good, but my heart is still broken. This is the hardest thing I have gone through, but it is leading me more towards God than ever before.

I hope everyone has a fantastic day - I love the fact that we can come here and check in every day, and when one of us is missing we look for each other. It really is a great gift. Thinking of @MuddyBoots and @BeyondtheRainbow today.

I had a horrible night's sleep. If I got even 2 hr. of broken sleep I'd be surprised. I want to try to take a nap this morning, but H has his car at the shop for an oil & filter change and checkover as he is driving out of state to a work conference next week and wants to be sure his car doesn't have any issues. Sometimes, the shop will drive the finished car back here without calling first, and they need their payment. H takes forever to get ready in the morning, so he can't get the door if they come, and if I fall asleep, I won't hear the door. I have Seroquel to take prn and I might try that for sleep later though I may have to drive H to the shop to retrieve his car, I just don't know, and anyway, 300 mg of Seroquel didn't get me to sleep last night. I hate it when I don't sleep well. It definitely spins me to hypomania and even sometimes full mania and psychosis.

So now I'm feeling cold all of the time, even in bed wearing a sweater.

Seems this is part of the depression.

It's been 2 weeks since I've been off Remeron, I'm having withdrawal symptoms, but the big one is that I'm feeling lower.

I thought I had reached the bottom of my depression, but I guess not, it looks like it can go lower. Past lows, that I thought were a big deal at the time, aren't even close to this time.

Well, at least I'm now having SI or SH thoughts, so I guess that's the good part of all of this.

I set my alarm this morning but I turned it off and fell back into my complicated dream. Much too complex to try and type out. Would be a whole book. So draggy and discombobulated. Even now the bed and dream pull at me! Need to get dressed! Need to wake up!

Happy Thursday folks

I tried to nap and no go. MSF randomly freezing on me again today, losing my posts. I am wired, feeling like jumping out of my skin. I need sleep.