Bipolar Check-in #88 (again!)

Oh sorry @Blueberrybook,I don't see your reply at all! I just visited the website and noticed it (I usually use Tapatalk - it's such a useless app!)

This trial is different, everyone is getting the full dose of psylocibin, there is no placebo option.

Yes, it's a lot to go through. They can't really do anything for me before the trial, I have to go through the lows on my own. Yeah they check-in with me, but so what, it doesn't make any difference in my day to day life. It covers their behinds though, so if something bad comes out of this, they can say they did all they humanly could.

I'm starting to understand what this is all about though, and I've significantly lowered my expectations for the outcome.

Ketamine didn't help me and psylocibin is just a longer high than ketamine. Yeah, they say it does things differently but it's just a trip in the end.

They provide 'support' but their motive for that is to get the MRIs. I think that's what they're really after. I get 3 MRIs as part of this study. If I improve, or get worse, that's just an extra data point to them.

And the amusing part? They say I can withdraw at any time. But that not realistic. I'm committed to this through my disability insurance. If I don't go through with it, they'll have a case to say I'm not accepting treatment. So will my pdoc. So, no, there's no choice to make.

Sorry to be so negative, it is what I'm experiencing though.

@Scooter9 You don't have to apologize for writing about what you are going through. I definitely understand depression, everyone here does. At my baseline, I tend to be more depressed or mixed than manic or stable, I was so badly depressed last November, it's a miracle I didn't harm myself or try to OD.

@raspberrytorte Did you mention you were halving your Seroquel again? If so, that might be the problem. The last time I tried halving my Seroquel, my sleep was worse, I got manic, and more anxious. Yeah, I ended back up on the same dose.

@Nammu I wouldn't be able to get into drawing railroad ties either! That doesn't sound fun at all!

Things with me are pretty much as usual. I slept well and of course got my 4 AM wakeup call from Pecan. I managed to doze off another 30 minutes but my bladder just couldn't take 20 lb. of cat putting pressure all over it, and I finally just got up. I took a walk, showered, ate breakfast, read, did laundry, and drew (drawings all in the creative corner). My daughter has a sinus infection I think. She took a COVID test and it was negative, she's stopped running fever, I'll see how she feels when she gets up today. Hopefully, I won't have to run her to urgent care.

No plans for the day really, just relax, finish the book I'm currently reading because I have a library book I picked up yesterday that I am eager to start.


I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

After days of gloom the sun was bright this morning and woke me very early. I got up did a few things and then pow, lost all my energy. Laid back down for 40 minutes and feel much better.

Trying to get up and go today. Got things to do, need to do.

I’m doing okay. About to go grocery shopping. Then going to a cafe for breakfast. I feel like smoked salmon and poached egg on a toasted muffin. Bonus points if they have mushrooms! Then we’ll come home unpack groceries and go to my partner’s moms house after lunch time.

Got to Wally’s, looked at colored pencils and bought a box of 100. Decided not to go to hobby lobby and pay more for watercolor pencils. Maybe in the future. Got my tea and eye drops. My eye dr said my eyes are very dry and to use them often. And it’s likely that I don’t close my eyes properly at night, which is why I wake up will such painful eyes. So I bought an extra bottle of gel tears for my bedside. Also got a new waste basket for the bathroom .

Picked up my prescriptions.

Colored my ladybug 🐞 and started on the frog. Takes me more than 15 minutes too and I needed a brake for my back.

In tears right now, I swear it just comes and goes. I just have to keep remembering to be grateful, which is so hard when I am in so much pain. Sometimes I wish I could rip my own heart out, so I don't have to endure this.

Feeling bad for a guy I am communicating with. I am about to cut things off with him because I feel bad. I have no interest. His last message was "what keeps you busy? why does it take you so long to respond to me?" You all know the reason for that, I am not over my ex, I am waiting for an email, so I don't make an effort. His story sounds weird though - within a week, he flew to Germany and all of a sudden took a job there - just the whole thing sounds weird, I better quit while I'm ahead.

Good news is I had a good day watching cool stuff on MAX. Finished "The Last of Us" and watched the Lord of the Rings cartoon "War of the Rohirrim". It was much better than I thought. Hope everyone is having a fantastic day! Looking forward to Svengoolie tonight, it will be "Attack of the 50ft Woman."

i got a pedicure and spent the day with my niece. just cooked us dinner and now shes watching disney plus. life is good.

My mom thinks I'm getting sick. Like a cold or some **** and thats why I'm falling asleep in the car and getting tired

She mentioned again getting the stomach stuff under control before it turns into cancer. Funny how the stuff you worry about can sometimes come true

I feel better now after lying down for a bit in the dark. I think the Tylenol kicked in.

I hurt, I'm suppose to be eating normal by now but that's not happening, like ever again. I'm so pissed I should have waited until I was in pain. I'm so mad I want to cry.

Today has been a really good day. I ended up spending most of the morning with the volunteer group at my church. I helped unload some food for their food pantry and then went on a few home visits with one of the other volunteers. If I'm understanding right, home visits often involve a food box being delivered and, if needed, a discussion about possible financial assistance (typically rent and/or utilities). After the house visits, the woman showing me the ropes showed me a little bit of what is involved in post visit paperwork and had me make a follow up call to one of the individuals we met with today.

Outside of this, I got a walk in, went to the grocery store, and went to to the pharmacy. I tried to go shoe shopping (I need new walking shoes) but the store I was going to go to is no longer there. There was a pretty good deal I found online though. I hope the shoes work out because my current walking shoes are in pretty rough shape.

A weird paranoia thing that happened today is twice my brain tried to convince me that the car behind me was following me. Not really sure what the deal with that was.

I hope you are all having a nice weekend!

Been up for three hours making a shirt for my cat. I guess he's my mom's cat now, but I'm still calling the babies mine they just live with her

Thank you @Blueberrybook for saying that, I appreciate it.

I'm sorry you were feeling so bad in November. You persisted and made it through - good for you!

Good morning. I slept pretty well. Today I have my volunteer shift with the rescue cats. This morning I studied /did some work in my music theory workbook. I’m at a part that’s getting difficult so I might have to look up some YouTube video explanations on some things like intervals, how to determine major/minor 2nds, 3rds, 4ths, etc perfect 2nds, 3rds, 4th, etc and prime unison. I did a couple worksheets on it today then I got to a part where I’m stuck so I’m gonna look up some explanations since sometimes people are good at explaining things over video or have tricks for remembering things.

After I get home from my volunteer shift I plan on practicing violin, piano, then get on the treadmill for 30 min, take a shower and then read before bed. If I’m home by or before 3pm I’ll do violin from 3-3:30. Take a 30 min break. The. Piano from 4 to 4:30. Then take a 30 min break again, then treadmill 5pm to 5:30pm. Then hop in the shower, and spend the evening reading.

Those are today’s plans

Aww I wish my cats would wear shirts lol actually Papi probably would. Mustachio would tear me to shreds if I tried to put a shirt on her lol

Love your new boot avatar Muddy

I ordered some more cat litter so I’m all set on cat litter and cat food for the month. Nice having it delivered. It’s a pain carrying cat litter for a 20 min walk back from the store. Especially when it gets hot out. Carrying it on the bus is annoying too. So I just order cat stuff now. Cat food, cat litter, cat treats. Cuts down on having to carry heavy stuff long distances or dealing with trying to bring it on the bus. Normally I just get my cat stuff from Amazon but I might switch to getting it from Chewy since they’re a really great company.

Cats are all set for the month, I have all my essentials for the month, rent is paid, phone bill is paid, internet bill is paid, and I have plenty of food for myself. 👍

Near the end with Sir I got special soft foods from chewy. I was on an automated plan. He went right before the next shipment was due. I went though chat and talked to a lady on how to stop the shipment. I told her why. They sent a huge beautiful flower arrangement! Chewy is a great company.

@Blue_Bird I order pretty much all my cat stuff online. The only thing I order from the grocery store is dry cat food in a small bag. I do curbside pickup, so it's not like I have to carry it very far. And yes, litter is extremely heavy, especially the kind H likes me to get which is low dust but comes in a 40 lb. bag. I have enough trouble getting the bag out of the box at the doorstep, couldn't imagine carrying it from my car to the front door! That litter is a pain; I have to parcel it into 1 gallon Ziploc bags to make it manageable, but it truly is very low dust.

I had a good night's sleep except I woke around 2:30 AM because my hall smoke detector was beeping with a low battery. Always annoying but especially annoying when it happens in the middle of the night. Finally I had to get up, get a chair, take it down & remove the batteries. I didn't have any replacement 9V batteries, so I ordered some from Amazon. I don't understand why smoke detectors can't use AA or AAA batteries, which we have plenty of, same thing with digital scales.

Every day practically it seems like I am ordering off Amazon because something runs out. H and my daughter are particularly bad at telling me when their stuff I order online runs out.

H is coming home today from his business trip! Finally! I really don't like it when he has to travel especially for work and is too tired to talk once he gets back to his hotel because it will be after 9 PM, long days.

I did pilates this morning, had a grocery curbside pickup. I read a bit and drew but my drawings today were meh. I have noticed I have a harder time drawing when I have something like an appointment or grocery pickup beforehand, I don't know maybe it stresses me out a bit.

I have an appt. this coming week with my GI doctor, finally! Takes forever to get in to see him. I know he is going to want a colonoscopy, not because of any problems I'm having, just because of my age and it's been 5 years since my last one. I am going to ask if he can do an endoscopy again. I have a hiatal hernia, and I think it is acting up because sometimes I am having trouble swallowing and sometimes regurgitating food, even plain water.

I hope everyone has a fantastic Sunday!

Edit: Just noticed I skipped my morning meds yesterday. Might explain why I feel a bit off and keyed up this morning.

If you look at a keyboard and think of everything in the key of C (major) to start off, learning intervals is a lot easier. You'll see that perfect intervals are, well, "perfect" whereas you kinda have to "choose" between major or minor for the others, and you can see in C, oh, C to G, a P5 it's pretty awkward for my finger to go anywhere else

One of the kitties from my volunteer shift today

I’m waiting for the bus to go home now

She (he? I don't know, she gives on girl kitty vibes) is a cutie! Looks like she demands some head rubs

Yup she! Her name is princess. She’s a tiny little sweet thing

Some relief today in my heartbreak - had a good cry after church and during church. I went up to the altar for the final week this week before my baptism - Father put his hands on my head in prayer, and I wept. I wept for all my heartache, for all my manic episodes, for all my addictions, for my failed marriage, for the things that eat apart my insides at night that takes me away from God. It was powerful. The tears are flowing now. even as I type this. I am even more determined to start my work with the church and look forward to a future serving God. If ever I was given a purpose this, is it. It wasn't a big career in NYC that I had planned, or the perfect marriage I thought I was supposed to have, it's this.

I am grateful today for all I have, truly I am. My mom and dad may move away, but I am hoping I'll be strong enough to be here on my own. If not, then it's a new chapter. Things look brighter today, for the first time in a while.

I hope everyone is having a good day today, and I just want you to know, I am thankful to all of you who have always given the best advice, supportive shoulders, and all the hugs. I am so grateful.

I feel fine anxiety wise. I stopped my ampitriptilyne and prilosec and I started the Nexium. It has way less side effects and my stomach feels good for once.

I've been tired and I keep falling asleep in the car. I think its the heated seats since this just started as soon as we got the new car.

But overall I'm fine today. I'm hoping the Nexium is finally the answer to my GI problems and I can avoid surgery or Chicago.

That eyemakeup is sultry!

She seriously needs to make a youtube tutorial.