Bipolar Check-in #88 (again!)

An hour or so after using my albuterol rescue asthma inhaler now my peak flow meter is 400 which is normal. But now I have diarrhea.

I agree it is kinda like living in dorms Nammu. I live in supportive housing. There’s a lot of drama here too

My neighbor/friend (the 85 year old lady who I got Papi from) called me a little while ago, she wanted something from the store but wasn’t feeling good (she has congestive heart failure) so I went to the store for her and got her what she wanted. Tomorrow I’m gonna help her set up a Walmart account online and help her do a grocery delivery order and bring the stuff into her apartment for her when it arrives. She’s really sweet. The other night she made meatloaf and rice and rolls and green beans and gave me a plate. It was really good. She’s really good at cooking.

Anyway, I’m ready for bed. Though it’s probably gonna be till like 10pm till I can fall asleep.

Oh my other neighbor knocked on my door earlier with some asparagus she cooked and gave me some. It was really good. I love asparagus. Definitely one of my favorite vegetables.

Just trying to pass time till bed time. I keep trying to watch Naruto one of my favorite anime shows, but I’m having a really difficult time maintaining focus for longer than a minute or two at a time without getting distracted due to the lack of sleep. I might play a game or something. Idk. Just sitting here looking at the clock waiting for bed is aggravating. It’s too early to take my night meds yet. I took a shower already. Listening to music at the moment.

Thanks so much @Blueberrybook and @Nammu - my therapist didn't technically give up, but it's really hard to talk to a therapist once a month. I wish I had more therapy, or some classes that I could take. I could always rejoin CODA, but I HATE online meetings, that's why I love my AA meeting so much, because it's in person. I have tried the online groups, and it feels so disconnected and not even empathetic. The best way to describe it is you're timed, you spill your guts about your issue, then your time is up and it's on to the next person. Time is really an issue because they try to give everyone a chance. But I get absolutely nothing from it. I mean no one even gives you feedback, it's pointless.

I have Melody Beattie's books which are supposed to be really helpful, but I never connected with the material. I am in desperate need of a better therapist, or a support group, but there is just none available. I do feel like a masochist, because I am attached to things and people that hurt me and I have no way out. You can't just say, "oh just stop doing that or just stop talking to them" because if it was that easy, I would have done it a long time ago.

All I am doing now is trying to refocus. My rent went up, and bills are getting high, so I applied for some jobs this afternoon. I have this horrible criminal record, so I am faced with that barrier, but I am going to try something. Thank God I have my faith or all of this would have been completely hopeless.

I am so sorry @Nammu at the seemingly political situation you have going on in your community. It seems like they wanted or needed a scapegoat, and even though that lady is harmless, she really got hurt. I am glad the president resolved things.

@Moose72 - I do hope you feel better soon. Is there like an Urgent Care nearby that can do a free quick test for you?

Yes there is but I don’t want to go anywhere!

I took my antibioitc and my nexium. Then I just layed quietly in bed without music for awhile I waited for the Tylenol to work. I then ate a couple bites of mashed potaoes and cesar salad and I feel better. Before my body felt like it was made of glass.

I'll call my pcp in the morning.

Nammu - per Quora, a package would have to be first class mail for interception to be a federal crime, which doesnt apply to like UPS and amazon, and probably most mailed pkgs that fit in your mailbox. So much ado about nothing!

Blue bird - how lovely of you to help kittys mom like that!

That’s helpful information, thanks.

Wow lady shadow those codependency online meeting don’t sound very helpful. No feedback? What’s the point? You could set a timer and shout into your pillow and achieve the same thing.

Thanks blue bird. I’ve lived on my own for so long it’s hard to remember what it’s like with so many people. But overall I do enjoy it.

Oops, i meant mailed stuff that doesnt fit in the mailbox.

Yeah the situation made me curious, as i am a big stickler about people putting non-mail into mailboxes. I think we have our own group on facebook!

Our mailroom has a table that is just a free-for-all of boxes. They are SUPPOSED to deliver it to each apartment, but most of the time they do not. A resident will wheel it around the next day or so

Thanks for the compliment . I see my pdoc next week, but there isn't much he can do for depression (he himself has admitted this) because I can't take SSRIs. Increasing my Wellbutrin isn't an option either because the higher dose turned me into the hulk. I will fill him in though when I see him. Maybe, he'll surprise me. If anything, he'll probably go into talk therapy mode which could be helpful.

Mood wise, today was a better day than yesterday. My teaching schedule on Wednesday is very busy so I had a good amount of distraction. My boss did my yearly observation today-I think it went well. Tomorrow, I have a post observation meeting with him.

After school, I got myself to get some laundry done and put it away right away (it almost always sits for a day or two). While my laundry was in, I finished a movie I started last night. Oh, I had to stop at the pharmacy on my way home from work.

The SI thoughts were less than they have been the past few days. Still a little there though, and kicking in a little more as the evening progresses. It's almost time for bed though! I can't believe I move in less than two weeks.

Best of luck in your big move @June08 - I wish I lived closer I would have offered to help! Nice to hear the SI thoughts aren't as bad too. I think a good night's rest will help too. What movie did you get to finish that you were watching?

Yes, @Nammu - that's what Codependency Online meetings are like, trying to squeeze everyone spewing about who they are codependent with, I don't understand how those groups are run without feedback. I am honestly considering screaming my troubles into my pillow tonight, lol, hopefully the neighbors won't get mad!

Tonight, there has been a mix of emotions. I cried a lot and prayed a lot as well. I feel relieved though, not really sad. I feel like I am purging away all this hurt and shame I am carrying around inside of myself. Talking to both of my good friends in New York sure did help today too. I am so lucky in so many ways, sometimes I just feel so ungrateful.

Tomorrow morning is an early pdoc appointment. I did my bloodwork so she will tell me where my Lithium levels are. I don't foresee any med changes, my moods are up and down, but that's just me being bipolar, I think. Not too high, not too low, but still a crying mess at times. Sounds about right for me.

@LadyShadow It's the thought that counts! I finished watching Conclave. It was a little weird watching it knowing an actual conclave starts soon. I don't regret watching it but, based on the movie, I'm not really sure what the main motivation was for creating this movie. I feel like it has the potential to really confuse people.

@Nammu sorry about what happened over the package you received. That doesn't sound fun at all.

@Blue_Bird I hope you are able to get some sleep!

@Brentus sorry about everything you have going on with your family. Family can be so tough sometimes...

I have a delayed processing thought since my last post. I kind of wonder if I've been doing some type of rapid cycling thing since the week before Easter (or at least the week of). The week before Easter, I was clearly hypomanic or mixed. But, really since that week, my mood has been shifting from day to day (sometimes throughout the day). I honestly feel the most bipolar when my mood does this-one day I'm fine, the next I have intense SI, then I'm fine again, then I feel mixed, then I'm manic, etc.

Earlier, I said I didn't think my pdoc could make a med change because of it currently being depression, but seeing now that it really has been shifting a lot, maybe there is something that can be done when I see him next week. What a roller coaster bipolar disorder is!

So much for 6 hours of sleep! It dropped down to 4.

Good morning! I woke up really early this morning and watched cartoons and immediately felt better. I had my pdoc appointment really early too, and she said my white blood cell count was high in my results, but my lithium levels were okay. When I got to my regular doctor on Monday, I will have to bring that up to her. I also gained 10 pounds, and feel horrible, but I know why though - I haven't been eating the best and have been cheating by going to Zaxby's etc. It's my own fault.

I am in good spirits though. The past few nights have been hard because I get lonely late at night and really miss the time I used to spend with my ex, so the tears start flowing, but I am hoping tonight will be better. I am focusing on work today and trying to stay positive. @June08 - I didn't care for the new Conclave movie at all, I think they really messed it up and just confuses people, also I feel like they just wanted to embarrass the church by making that movie, I didn't like it all. Conclave will be coming up in real life as early as next week I think, so it should be interesting to see how it goes.

CPAP says I got 7:47 sleep last night, even though it doesn't feel like it. I slept okay I guess, not alert as I want to be. I hope everyone has a great Thursday though!

Thanks everyone for your kind words and suggestions. My mom is currently looking into subsidized housing and help for my sister.

I'm unraveling at the seams here. My own debts are getting the better of me and I am falling apart. I took a personal loan from my friend for a car -- but apparently I didn't read the contract well and I'm behind by like 3 months. I've been paying a little extra every month on it in case I needed some leeway (which I do now) but now I find out that I'm behind by a lot. I don't have the money to do all of this. I'm already stretched so thin. I can't make my car payment and my phone payment, pay my mother, and pay back others Ive borrowed from to do the former. I can't keep doing this. I'm literally at a loss and begging my friend to just take his car back, and I can listen to my mom scream and yell how we will go without food because I cant pay her this week, but I can't allow my phone to be suspended.

I'm trying to sell all my valuable items on Facebook Marketplace. no luck as of yet.

I just want this stress to end.

The local pawn shop will only give me $100 for my Series 9 Apple Watch..... I guess if last ditch effort I will accept it. Im at a loss.

@Brentus I'm so sorry about your money woes. It is hard when finances get stretched tight.

@LadyShadow Often a high white blood cell count means your body is working to fight off an infection and usually isn't something to worry about. At least, that's been the case with me from time to time.

Moodwise I'm doing well and I'm less anxious than I was yesterday. I'm doing so much better physically today than yesterday. I slept just over 8 hr and finally wasn't woken early by my cat. I was having so much trouble breathing yesterday (pretty sure it was from the nearby chemical plants combined with panic at how hard it was to breathe without being congested). Today, completely different story. My power walk was tons easier, easier in fact than it is most days. I showered, made H's lunch, put out the trash for trash pickup. I was able to concentrate well while reading. I drew 3 pictures, a couple cats and a quick bird (in the creative corner).

I hope everyone has a great day!

@Brentus I'm sorry to hear financially things are so hard right now for you and your sister. Definitely try to get subsidized housing. There's three section 8's-federal, state, and local. Apply to all of them because waitlists are crazy. At your local housing authority they may have some forms to fill out for other housing programs (public housing, specific project areas), and given your sister's schizoaffective she could probably get into supportive housing or a group home so there are some more options. There are also some private property management companies out there that do their own affordable and subsidized housing (I know here the cheapest "affordable" housing is over $1000/mo so I hardly looked down that route, but maybe your area is a little better, so do look into it).

If she's willing to work and capable, there are some programs that will provide housing if you work for x amount of months. Maybe with the right work she can manage that too.

Make sure you take advantage of everything out there. There are some places here that will help cover rent/utilities if you prove you temporarily need assistance. If you're not already on SNAP, apply ASAP. Take advantage of food pantries and such.

On sites like Nextdoor, Craigslist, etc. there are postings for odd jobs like pet sitting, yard work, baby sitting, helping someone to move, etc. you can look into if you can fit that into your schedule. Depending on where you live you can work for Doordash, Rover (dog walking/petsitting), Lyft, etc. to earn some.

If you're on SSI/SSDI make sure before you go out getting any kind of earned income you get into the ticket to work program though. It's a safeguard to make sure you don't lose all your benefits because you made $200 on your own once. Contact your SSA office about it. I got in it by going through my state's voc rehab.

Thank you for all your suggestions @MuddyBoots . I'll do what I can to make things work.

@Moose72 How did your doctor's appt go?

one week from today is my univeristy's school of social work graduation luncheon. formal cocktail attire is dress code so im wearing a dress. (rare for me!!!) im making my husbnd go with me bc he didnt go to his (he got his mssw from same school a year ago) and i dont wanna go alone. should be fun. graduation is next saturday

Can't even sell my watch. I don't have my DL. I have to order another one of those. FML.

Time for a new thread. I think we went through this one quickly!

Bipolar Check-in #89