Bipolar Check-in #89

Sleep tight anyone going to bed

@raspberrytorte I wound up IP to come off loxapine. I don't remember it very well but I was having EPS to the point of pain and needed to come off quickly and it was just too much. My moods were everywhere and I was scared because I wasn't safe. They got me off it and onto Seroquel and get me home in less than a week. It was my shortest stay but I really needed it.

I did like the drug when it wasn't making me feel like a very old woman though.

Today I do the shrimp challenge at the allergist where I eat a food and we see if I have an allergic reaction. A nurse will watch me for four hours. I haven’t had shrimp in YEARS because I thought I was allergic. We shall see! They have Benadryl and EpiPens just in case.

It's one of those nights for me. It's 5:30 and I'm still wide awake despite all my PRNs. Plus I just took more gabapentin than I'm technically supposed to but I have tons of leeway before that dose is a problem. I just don't know WHY I'm awake. I'm feeling anxious but have no real reason for that. I guess why doesn't matter anyway.

I just need to get up and take care of things today and it's going to be difficult.

My anxiety had been through the roof and then finally at Walgreens I picked up this bottle of mind and body calm gummies. And I took one and they made me sooo calm. They decimated my anxiety. Then I passed out from 3:30 yesterday afternoon until 6 this morning.

I still feel pretty calm and not anxious and I don't feel hungover.

@BeyondtheRainbow

Loxapine is fine for me. I mean, at 50mg (which is what I originally weaned myself down to) I don't have any side effects. I'm just trying NOT to be a walking pharmacy, and im getting really frustrated because every med I try going off of ends in disaster, but at least now I know which med is REALLY keeping my psychosis at bay. Stupid loxapine! I don't think seroquel is doing **** for that. If anything, I think I should try weaning my *** off seroquel, except if I did that I'd have trouble sleeping and be anxious.

I don't know what to DO!!!!!!


Anyway, I swear I'm losing my mind. Im suffering from unmotivated, mushy brain void-ness. I even forgot it was the end of the month and I have to get the ezine up. I don't know what the fck is wrong with me! I'm going to cry. This happens to me after every major project. I go into this extended limbo of intellectual disability. That can potentially last YEARS!

Good morning. I slept well. Got up and read for 45 minutes. Finished one of the books I was reading.

Today I have that NAMI presentation I’m going to downstairs in the community room.

Then am gonna walk to the store to buy some food.

Then help my neighbor order her groceries from Walmart

That’s the plans for today. I feel good.

Off to the dentist for myself and my daughter. We both have horrible dental anxiety.

Good morning

Woke up hot though I have blackout curtains the sun heats the room. Was 73 in there. I was having weird dreams. It was the 1800’s my grandfather, my mother and I were immigrants. We were traveling west. Grandpa was in his 60’s and mum in her early 40’s and I was in my 20’s. And all of us had blue eyes. None of that is possible in real life. Mum and I came across a meal on a table on a boardwalk. She ate the soup. And we found a camera. So we started taking photos for the local paper. There was more but I’m forgetting it. There was a part where we got together with others and were in trains going over mountains. I thing that came first. We were all close though, closer than we were in real life, it was nice.

NAMI meeting went well. I’m gonna join their membership. And also I’m gonna attend an 8 week peer to peer educational class starting in September. Super excited about it! And there’s lots of other events they have I plan on going to as well

on break a work. just wrote all my notes for group. drinking a coffee now. it has chocolate chips in it. ,mmm

going to a peer support specialist state conference tomorrow. lots to do today and i have to drive to LExington after work. ugh. long drive.

Not allergic to crab, lobster or shrimp. Going to do an “observed feed” in the office within the month with shrimp.

ETA: they scheduled me for October!!! This is not ok. I portal messaged my allergist and said I thought he wanted me to come back in a month not 5!

I'm back from my "vacation" to Virginia Beach to visit my niece for her graduation. I'm so exhausted. I'm still bitterly angry too. I hate traveling with my mother. You see, whenever she tags along , I am a second class citizen who is responsible for all her things, and myself. Packing is her sitting in one spot saying " Get this and get that" , she insists she has to drive and I'm in the passenger seat where she slings her purse on top of me and her cane, and then constantly " Can I get over? is this my exit? Can I get over? Help me merge." so the stresses of driving are all on me as well. The moment I begin to do anything she starts spitting commands she needs this, or do this, or do that. I get so tired of that, but it's how it is. She's also petty and loves drama decided she wasn't going to Neva's graduation because she was mad I asked her to please let me put clothes on after I just got out of the shower before commanding me to put her nylons on her. She got over herself when she realized I wasn't gonna feign sympathy for her.

She thinks of no one put herself.




Anyway, I got a *****ing when we got home because apparently I LOST HER CHARGER. I have plenty in the house, but she told me to just throw those away because she knows what her charger looks like and those aren't it. It literally broke me inside. I don't know what happened exactly -- but that whole interaction has left me not the same.It's been two days and I still refuse to talk to her. I'm just not OK.

Good morning all

Not much to report. 4:40am and just getting through my first cuppa of the day! I’ll log in later on 😊

@Brentus - Oh, I'm SO sorry! That sounds like an awful vacation! Now it sounds like you need a vacation to recover from your vacation! I hope you feel calmer now that you are back home and that you can relax over the weekend. Sounds like you need it!

That was a long dental appt. with back to back appt., first my daughter, then me. My daughter's teeth were fine, but I have 4 cavities and two of those will require crowns! That's going to be nearly $1000 in dental work! Anyway, I know where I will be spending a good part of the month of June...sigh.

Anyway, I'm a bit stressed from all the fun dental excitement. I did start on a watercolor of a peach in the morning and finished it up just now. I think it turned out pretty well. It's a top-down view of the peach.

That peach looks amazing! Love it 🥰

Oh, my God, I'm still so stressed from that dental visit. I thought eating lunch would calm me down, but it hasn't. I put the kettle on to boil, so I can make some chamomile tea (even though it is hot as heck outside, pretty warm inside despite the AC). I really just need to chill out some...!

Blueberry did you know in hot climates people drink hot drinks to sweat and that cools them down? I read that someplace. I think it’s Chinese idea, I don’t remember clearly which country it was about.

My doctor called saying the result of my cardiac stress test is normal!

I'm not out of the woods yet, but this is encouraging.

My anxiety is way, way up today. I took a Klonopin a while ago, and it's helping. I haven't taken one in the past few weeks.

I slept just 4 hours, I'm so tired!

Winter starts on Sunday for me. Bloody heck. I hate winter!

I have my GI MRI on June 12th. Most tests and blood tests I've had recently have shown something so idk. I think my appetite is just from getting my iron under control. My energy levels and stuff are a lot better. I'm just not hungry.

Had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. Was just laying there wanting and needing so badly, it was all I could think about. It's so hard to be so in love with someone when it can't go anywhere right now. Sometimes I think I am just fooling myself.

Work was good. Had a really good testing interview, where the moderator was really nice and engaging. Better than the moderator from the other day. I made pretty good money this week, so I am so grateful for that.

@Brentus - so sorry your vacation turned out the way it did. Maybe do something small for yourself this week or doing something fun to lift your spirits. @Blueberrybook - I am so sorry about the dental woes. I think @Nammu 's idea was right, I have heard that about hot drinks too. Might be worth a shot. @Blue_Bird so glad you're having a good day and the NAMI presentation went well. I am a member of NAMI from their New York office. I used to go on their NAMI walks all the time on Jones Beach. It was fun and for a good cause. Sorry you didn't sleep well @BeyondtheRainbow and @Scooter9 - wishing you good sleep tonight!

As for me, I am in pretty good spirits. The stress of making money this week is past me, and I can look forward to a relaxing next couple of days. It should be nice. I was supposed to go to the gym but my gym buddy cancelled, so that was a bit of a bummer. It's tough to get up and go to the gym. I have a pretty busy weekend planned with an event tomorrow night to go to, then a housewarming and meeting with my sponsor on Saturday. Then Sunday its mass, a Eucharistic visit, then a day with my parents.

Great news about the cardiac stress test!

I think chamomile tea is starting to do the trick with my stress level decreasing. Maybe I can concentrate to read a bit now.

I added that to my grocery list for Tuesday cause I need something warm to drink that’s calming and not coffee