Bipolar Check-in #89

I forgot you lived in NY previously LadyShadow, I live there. Near the capitol,not NYC though. I’m originally from here but I lived in a few different states including Florida, Virginia, and Kentucky but came back home to NY after my mom passed away in 2016

I love orange and cinnamon tea if I want something with no caffeine!

Had a great therapy appointment. I’m doing much better. We had a great chat. Getting my dreams back was a great moral boost. My concentration has improved and I’m buzzing though my current book.

No plans for the weekend but my art classes are coming up in June. Gonna learn how to paint a north woods landscape.

I sent my niece the gift card for her birthday. Hers is on Tuesday. Mine is Wednesday. I still gotta get my aquarium ticket I’m gonna do that this weekend probably and use it to go next weekend. I want to take lots of pics of the aquarium fish and whatever they have there. Then use some of the pics as inspiration to paint.

I paid my rent and my phone bill today. Got some of my essentials (cat litter, household stuff) , etc)

I still have yet to get to the pharmacy. I’m going tomorrow morning before my therapy appointment. My therapy appointment is tomorrow at 3pm and is virtual cause I chose virtual for this time. Normally I do in person but occasionally I’ll choose virtual. I have no idea what we’re working on tomorrow.

Printed out 8 full color pictures of my painting for the painting class for people to have as examples to look at each table. This weekend or early next week I gotta go look for rocks for the rock painting event we’re doing in July. I got permission from the landlord to take rocks I find on the property to use them for that.

I feel pretty good. I’m just ready for bed though it’s been a loooong day. It’s only 5pm though so got awhile till I can sleep.

Glad you’re doing better Nammu!

That sounds really good!

Welp, I just called my treatment team's emergency number because I'm TRYING to have dinner and freaking out.


Swear to fking God if they don't call back and actually help I'm throwing this shyt I actually kinda like and feels "safe" out because at this rate

muddy, you need to be careful especially what with walking & in the heat (burns even more cal). You have got to start working towards small, do-able recovery goals. Maybe you can't stick to a meal plan 100% but maybe you do 50% one week, 75% the next and progress from there. When you CAN decrease the exercise, you really NEED to do it. Because you are getting yourself dug in even deeper. Do you want to still be living with this ED when you're 40, 50, 60+ years old (if you don't die from esphogeal, stomach cancer, ulcer perforations first). You still have time to turn things around and you know what you need to do. You just have to take it step by step. The hardest I found was the first month or two, things got better from there recovery wise. I am absolutely amazed at the rate you are going you have not suffered a heart attack and that no one sees fit to fast track you into ED treatment. If they won't treat you, then I KNOW you have the grit and determination to recover on your own or at least start towards it. I know because I did it at a very low weight, minimal psychiatric support (meds, some halfhearted counselling that did squat). But grit and determination goes a LONG LONG way. I am still amazed I managed a recovery from where I did without specialized ED treatment or a hospitalization for the ED (though maybe why I still deal with the thoughts). I'd urge you to LISTEN to your body, don't purge, fight that with all you've got. There is a good, productive life out there for you, maybe actually recovering enough to find a guy to date who's good for you, going back to school, but IT IS NOT easy. If it were, anorexia wouldn't have the highest mortality rate of all the mental illnesses out there.

And sometimes I do but wonder if the many overlapping mental disorders you are diagnosed with may in part be a case of overdiagnosis, muddying up your treatment. The ED is definitely one but the others; I have noticed SO many mental illnesses are on a bit of a continuum. It's like what came first the chicken or the egg? Could be some of the issues you have going on. Maybe not, but maybe so. If you're manic and not on a bipolar med, well, that can look like ADHD no? And sometimes responses to meds CAN be psychosomatic: meaning, you're convinced Adderall helps you sleep, you've been up over 24, 48 hr, you take Adderall, by then you're exhausted, you sleep. Whereas you figure, oh valium won't tire me out, you just stay awake during it (and tolerances build anyway whereby you're not sleepy on even higher doses). Benzos never made me sleepy anyway. I could be completely wrong, just food for thought.

I’m back to thinking the Lamictal is killing me. I know it’s likely my brain playing tricks on me and convincing me of that but it’s hard to shake off and I’ve felt like this on and off since I started it. I know I have a severe paranoia when it comes to meds especially new meds. Even meds I’ve been on for a long time to be honest. So idk what’s real and what’s my paranoia

@Blue_Bird Lamictal is one of the safter meds out there as far as that goes; I have taken it a long time without side effects, and if you didn't develop the rash or other warning signs, your pdoc must feel it has a good chance of helping your situation or he would not have prescribed it. You're doing great with it so far.

@LadyShadow - I hope you have a good weekend. Sounds like this past week was a tough one for you ((((HUGS)))))

Yeah you’re right, I know it’s definitely likely just my paranoia. I’ve been on it 2 weeks tomorrow. If it was gonna kill me it probably would have already lol

I used to be adverse to putting anything into or on my body that wasn’t 100% natural. So I get it blue bird. But yeah that’s the illness trying to trick ya. I was on lamictal for years and no side effects except feeling flat. The flat feeling came after I’d been on it for years and I think was an indication I was stable enough not to need it anymore. I go up or down now but not in major highs or dips.

Zennis finally had inexpensive sunglasses back in stock. I got this nice tinted pair for $25. I'm hoping they will look ok enough to wear in stores.

I think my ulcers came back. I've just had water since 11. Not even any zero sugar sprite. I'm not really sure what to do. Maybe call my GI. I've taken my meds and it feels like they just crapped out on me.

I am seriously about to freak out. I drank a protein shake and now idk. Its not the protein shake, something else is going on.

Had a catch up with my principal about THAT class I am inheriting. He's going to see what he can do but is not making me any promises.

Im so deflated and defeated feeling. There is no more water in my well. My pond is so dry it's cracked. My husband was like, "I want you to write a paragraph tonight." I laughed and said, "YOU write a paragraph tonight! I don't work like that."

Of course I didn't do anything again today. No ezine work. Of course no novel work. All I did really was clean and listen to music. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow at 8am. Maybe she'll be able to help me. I don't know how, but maybe.

I just don't understand these a authors who can pop out book after book after book! I go through high (period of sleep difficulty, feeling really inspired, and whatever else) followed by a long *** period of low mood where I can't produce anything. My longest lasted like five years! I'M OLD! I DON'T HAVE FIVE YEARS!!!!

My pdocs nurse said not to take those calm stress wellness gummies because of med interactions but I just did. I don't think anything major will happen. I've done and seen worse.

I've been told if DTD and CPTSD were actually used as diagnoses, I'd lose most of my dx's. From The Complex Trauma Treatment Center I was referred to and will probably never hear about again:

ADHD, BP, BPD, and PTSD on my sheet! (Also was once tried to get labeled with DID, and was told I have DPD traits recently). (Can't forget Nammu telling me to look up Oppositional defiance disorder in adults the other day either).

Probably would've never had mania or psychosis if I didn't use any substances, and probably wouldn't have used substances if I was literally lectured on how helpful they are to cope with a life that sucks by the dude that didn't know how to put on a condom and was a good portion of the reason life sucked.

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Honestly pretty sure I AM immortal at this point though. I really fking hope not and that I do die of a heart attack or perforated ulcer or whatever before I'm 40, but I have demon's blood in me (pretty sure) and that's going to make sure I'm around after the earth itself isn't.

I don't want to date any guy "that's good for me" because unless I undo a lifetime of "people=shyt" I'm never going to believe someone's "good" unless there's thrill and usually if there's thrill that means it's actually a bad relationship. I don't want to waste time and money in school either only to be told my associate's or even bachelor's if I make it that far is fking worthless (actually a negative amount of worth) because there are a million people with a better major or a higher degree.

@Brentus What a tough trip! Like Blueberrybook said, I hope you can get some rest/recover.

@Blueberrybook Oral hygiene is so hard. And, sometimes, no matter what a person does, they still end up needing cavities...Sorry it was so stressful and I hope your upcoming appointments go smoothly!

@Scooter9 That's great about the test results! Sorry for your sleep struggles.

@Crazy Hitch I hope your principal can help you out!

@Crazy Hitch when you say canteen is that the Australian name for an indoor cafeteria? I keep thinking of this round water bottle thing I used at camp when I hear the word canteen

Home from church choir rehearsal. We had a good time. We sight read through Benjamin Britain’s Ceremony of Carols at the very end. That was fun. Didn’t get to talk with Caleb tonight. He goes to bed before we even finish rehearsal.

I won't be around until tomorrow night because my parents are coming to visit. They'll be here early afternoon till dinner. Hopefully it goes well. If not I have therapy Monday.

So I spoke up about my sleep medication. But I got the wrong day to come back for my injection. So I have to change that. I'm so proud of myself.

@Victoria'smom nice job speaking up for yourself!

Today went fast. I slept in, went to Mass, dropped off my air mattress to a friend who needs to borrow it, walked on my walking pad and did a few bodyweight exercises, and read for a bit. I read "The Wishing Game" by Meg Shaffer. I need to be intentional about reading it before it is due back at the library. I just picked it up on Sunday though so I have a tiny bit yet.

I was busy enough that my mood was mostly okay today. I'm feeling overwhelmed right now (not sure why, could just be everything from the day coming over me). I'm hoping there will be something good on TV starting at 8 pm so I can use my weighted blanket and watch some TV before bed. If not, I can always stream something. I don't have cable so I don't have a ton of TV options.

Tonight is my cat's last night at home before she boards while I'm on vacation. We leave Saturday but too early to drop her off. I hate that for her. And I hate it for me. I'll miss her so much. I always do. Tomorrow night will be weird; I'll talk to her and she won't be here.


I can't believe it is already vacation time. This has been scheduled for about a year. We have a rental at the beach. My sister's family is coming and it will be so nice to spend time with my nieces. They are almost 12 and almost 15 and too busy with their own lives to spend a lot of time with us anymore like they did when they were little. They've had music things lately that I've had to miss because of my nausea.

Hoping to sleep tonight. I put in a big day so I should be tired enough after last night. But who knows what controls sleep?

Yes I believe it is what Americans refer to as cafeteria