Bipolar Check-in #89

Good morning, I got up on time for something I need to do this morning. Also I have to go pick up some of my meds at the pharmacy.

I slept good. Read for like an hour before bed.
Scheduled my next violin lesson. It’s on June 14th.

After I get back from the pharmacy I’m gonna practice violin and sketch some.

I feel good, mood is good. Just up listening to music and having a decaf coffee at the moment.

Good morning. Woke very early after a night of dreams. In my dreams lots of flooding so I feel a bit discombobulated.

I’m up early and can get in the laundry room.

So voc rehab is closing my case today after I had a meeting with them because I am clearly unable to work right now. Woo.

Also went for a walk and there's this bridge over a river I tend to get those intrusive thoughts when crossing, today I saw two SAR boats in it near the bridge and 4 firetrucks within the area and some policemen, some of them checking out this abandoned building nearby. Wonder what happened (after a holiday that people tend to get a hold of fireworks and alcohol). Also the PD social worker that comes in for groups weekly cancelled today so I won't get to have that later today either.

But I'm going to do a shyt ton of math review lessons today. Up to 58% mastery with the calc BC course on Khan Academy.

@MuddyBoots after try Aleks or life of Fred math. Aleks is ace credit so you can transfer it into whatever college does ace credit. Life of Fred is a math book series that goes up through linier algebra and you can ask to take finals of classes to pass our of them.

I was kinda anxious this morning but I'm feeling better. I've had this crazy craving for Twizzlers so I put a bunch on my shopping list along with some Jelly Bellys and some Haibro gummies. My therapist doesn't like this way of eating, but the iron pills are really lowering my appetite and I'm not a human garbage disposal anymore.

I'm not having issues with taking showers anymore since I have my energy back and I'm not lightheaded. I take one every other day. Like today I just jumped in at 6 because we're going out for a bit.

So yeah the iron pills are working.

I found out 5 Below is a goldmine of gunmy candies. So I'll stop there in a bit.

I'm having a good day. I slept well last night despite the fact that H called last night from his work saying his car was broken down and he was getting AAA to tow him to our mechanic and he would need a ride home from the mechanic. I had already taken my night meds, so I wasn't quite sure how that would go. My daughter was concerned and went with me (if I couldn't drive, she could even though she only has a learner's permit). I ate/crunched quite a few Lemonheads candy and some small Twizzlers trying to get the sugar to wake me up. I managed to drive to the mechanic's garage okay and once home again, I went right back to sleep. But now we are down 1 car until H's car gets fixed.

I took a pretty long walk this morning, just beating out the rain. Showered, had breakfast, read with the SAD lamp. I painted a banana (in my watercolor thread in the creative corner) and drew a Boston terrier that didn't turn out half bad. Always nice when art feels fun and easy I'm going to read some this afternoon, maybe watch a show, perhaps nap since I didn't sleep as long as I normally do. It's pretty gloomy out with the rain, but I love rain like this as long as I am not driving in it or stuck outside in it.

I hope everyone has a great day! @LadyShadow Remember God is always there especially when you feel He has deserted you. A lot of times when I pray I end up just talking to God like a friend, getting all my worries and negative feelings out. Do you ever listen to religious music? I find sometimes that helps me, the hymns I knew from long ago and liked along with contemporary Christian music. I especially like the song "You Say" by Lauren Daigle, I don't know if you've ever listened to that one?

((((HUGS)))) to everyone!

I went for my cardiac stress test today. I'm so tired now!

I also slept for just 4.5 hours. Although I'm usually reasonably functional, I'm falling asleep so quickly today.

I had a hard time with the test, but they said I got to 85% of my max heart rate, which is exactly what they needed.

I have the echocardiogram next week.

No change in how I'm feeling and other stuff, but at least I'm drinking a lot of water (I guess that can be bad, too, but I'm adding salt to whatever I happen to eat).

That's an amazing song @Blueberrybook - I know it well. Thank you for suggesting it! It was good to hear it again. I do listen to a lot of religious music. KJOY is a great channel on the radio that I used to listen to a lot. I listen to "Oceans, (Where Feet May Fall)" by Hillsong United a lot too. It's an amazing spiritual song. I do struggle a lot with faith, even after my baptism. I know the Devil attacks me more as I get closer to God and do things with my church. It just feels like everything is so much harder than it used to be.

Today I am having a better day. Work is still slow, but I think I will be okay for this week. It's kind of hot and muggy again, but I am trying to enjoy the weather. @June08 - I am sorry you are having those SI thoughts. It can be really hard sometimes, I will be praying for you.

Sometimes I wish I just understand my purpose - I would love to be successful in life, but I feel like I am always failing.

I’m okay. It’s Thursday and I don’t see any tricky classes today so that’s a win. I’m so aware of how much my mood changes according to my classes…..

My neighbor/friend (Papi’s previous owner) needs help ordering groceries from Walmart tomorrow so I’m gonna go down there and help her with that tomorrow afternoon.

I’m feeling good today. No dissociation yesterday or today. It’s day 12 of Lamictal. On Saturday I increase the dose.

Tomorrow NAMI will be here for their presentation which will be nice.

I didn’t get around to going to the pharmacy today so I’m gonna go tomorrow afternoon the presentation. Then after I get home from the pharmacy I’ll go downstairs and help her with her grocery order.

The program manager was able to get all the painting supplies for the painting class. So we’re all set there.

I got myself some new art supplies too for an early birthday gift to myself. Really my only birthday gift as I don’t have anyone else to celebrate with. But that’s okay.

My nieces 20th birthday is on June 3rd. My 31st birthday is the day after on June 4th. I’m gonna get her a Starbucks gift card and a streaming stick for her tv. She lives in the college dorms/suites downtown currently.

I’m just relaxing this afternoon/evening and watching Bridgerton.

I've officially finished all of my teacher work week tasks and turned in my keys for the summer. I might have to go to school one day next week to pick something up, but I live only 10 minutes from school so that's not a big deal. They also assigned us some summer reading, but I won't read that until closer to next school year so it's fresh in my mind. I was given a gift card to a coffee shop near my school so I picked up a coffee on my way home. Now, laundry is in. Not sure what else I'll do with my day (it's only 1:30 pm). I should walk on my walking pad, but I might take a break for today. TW appetite



I'm glad I see my pdoc next week. I don't think there is anything to do med wise, but it will be good to fill him in on the different struggles I've been having. Maybe, he'll have some insights.

Oh I loved Bridgerton! Don’t know why I stopped watching it.

The crabby old lady (i love her, really!) was on Midsomer Murders this past weekend as almost a young lass! Barnaby himself had nary a wrinkle.

I got my groceries in this afternoon and straightened up the kitchen a bit.

It’s so good! They’re up to season 3 now. I watched season 1 and 2 several years back and loved it but never got around to seeing season 3. So now I’m watching it all over from the beginning so I can catch back up.

I want to read the books it’s based off of eventually too

So bored. Just hanging out at the library. Started reading the next Harry Potter book. I don't remember crap from the first five books apparently (it's been at least 6 months since I read The Order of the Phoenix).

Anxious af right now too. Will likely have to spend next week at my mom's. I have trips and stuff planned while I have access to a car so it shouldn't be too bad.

Went to my first CBT class via zoom. My old therapist- the short-term one- was one of the facilitators. It was a good class! Lasted an hour. They asked if I had anything to say and I told the story about how I couldn’t sing for six years despite seeing a vocal therapist several times. Well one day about six months ago I went to church with N3 and sang the hymns! I thought, if I can sing hymns maybe I can rejoin the choir and I did! Now I can sing again because of the vocal training/warm ups we do twice a week and then the rehearsals and singing for the services!

I'm anxious, tomorrow will be no fun. My t wants me to advocate for myself to see the medicine box so I know I'm getting the right medication injected. She's like your Dr knows why you're on these medications because she doesn't want me worried the whole month that they injected me with the wrong thing. She said he can not hospitalize me for just acting different than normal or acting depressed without me being a threat to myself or others. She told me I mask well. I'm like I know. She agreed I don't need mace but my coping bag was a good idea and suggested more things to put in it. I may make a small booboo bear to put in my bag or an ice bottle to hold in the office. She's worried about me dissociating while in the office. She said it's okay if I'm almost mute. I guess it's better he sees it. I'm so scared I'll just **** up this meeting. She wants me to bring a list of stuff I want addressed. Hopefully it's not that bad. And I don't get my husband kicked out of my pdoc appointments for good because I behave differently.

When I was on injections I always made sure they let me see the box first. Even when inpatient I make them show me the med packages of the pills (or vials for injections) before they take them out and put them in the cup. It helps a lot.

I feel like my mood is more level. For awhile it would start out high in the mornings and as the day progressed it’d get lower and more angry and irritable. But now my mood seems to be on even keel throughout the whole day everyday. Hoping this continues as we increase the Lamictal Saturday. It might also be helping that I’m on a lower dose of trileptal now (instead of 1500 mg like I was on now I’m on 1200 mg and staying there). Maybe the higher dose of trileptal was messing with my mood more than I realized cause it’s been about two weeks on 1200 mg now and I feel a lot better. And the Lamictal seems to balance it out.

Found out I'm picking up an extra class next semester - 2 weeks time ... I taught them last year and they caused me to go on work cover they are THAT awful! I want to cry right now but can't I'm in my office and there are other people around. Even my "bad" class right now are tame by comparison. I have nowhere to go with this I am stuck with them.

@Crazy Hitch can you ask for a ta or para for that class?

I don't know if anyone in that class qualifies for funding but I can find out! Thanks for the suggestion

I'm going to be referred to GI at the big hospital. I will probably have a colonoscopy although with my upper scope since I'm due in a few months anyway. He really doesn't know what's wrong but does seem to think something is (I get paranoid when something isn't clear that I'm making it up and everyone should be mad at me). . He said something about pancreas but as far as I know that usually is very painful and I'm not having that kind of pain. I don't know. It will take a while to get in for the GI and then more time to schedule the scopes so it will be a bit. He also is cutting as many meds as much as possible since I'm on so many and many of them can cause nausea. There are some that just can't be messed with but if it can be lowered or gotten rid of it's going. I did get scopolamine patches to help with my trip for vacation although they may be intolerable or could cause confusion. But I'll try them.

So the wheels are in motion. Next up: Enjoying vacation as much as possible. Well, after getting the cat in the carrier to go to boarding Friday. That's always a good time.

I started taking 40mg of loxapine again and am feeling WAY better! So I just give up. I'm officially stuck being a walking pharmacy sadly.

Wanted to share my experience using one of those SAD lamps, just as a warning. I bought one at the beginning of winter, used it three times, and it made me incredibly paranoid and weird feeling. I mean, the thing was making me go into psychosis! So I stopped using it immediately and returned it. So if you're prone to psychosis, just a warning. I know I'm probably a freak for having this negative reaction to a SAD lamp! But it DID NOT make me feel good! Just a precautionary tale. For the record, I'm diagnosed schizoaffective BP type.

Very intense feelings tonight. My mind is such a jumble with things. Will try my hardest to sleep.