Bipolar Check-in #89

I'm having a better day today than today even though I had fasting bloodwork this morning which isn't exactly my favorite thing to do. I did a pilates video and finally had some raisin bran & a banana for breakfast. Then I drew an eye from an online tutorial that turned out quite well. The drawing took awhile though and I think I will put off painting until tomorrow. I had to pick my daughter up from an AP exam at the high school (H took her there, then went into work), stopped by the library on the way home, dropped my daughter off, then picked up prescriptions at the pharmacy.

I need to get lunch for my daughter & myself and I'll probably watch another episode of Shetland streaming on Britbox, maybe read some. I think I will take a prn muscle relaxer after I eat lunch today though as my shoulders are extremely, extremely stiff today. I forgot how often I carry tension in my body physically and yesterday was a bit bumpy, and my body definitely is feeling it. Sometimes, I end up having to nap with the muscle relaxer, it depends.

I've just skimmed the posts above, need to read more thoroughly. @MuddyBoots I hope you get some sleep! @raspberrytorte I hope your tatoo ends up being awesome! @Blue_Bird I'm glad you are feeling better lately. @Moose72 Sorry about the stress making your symptoms worse. Is it the issue with your friend causing the stress? @June08 Glad you were able to eat some!

HUGS to everyone else! I really have just skimmed so sorry if I have gotten things a bit muddled!

Beautiful eye @Blueberrybook !

My painting idea was approved and I’ll be teaching the class monthly. I found an idea for Junes painting. I’m gonna prepaint an example for people and also paint while down there during the actual class showing everyone how to do it. It’ll be 1 1/2 hours long. I’m excited!

Oh that’s wonderful blue 🐦. I wish I could come to your class. Have a wonderful time! I’m sure those who come will get a lot out of it.

My GI stuff is fine but I never fully woke up today and I just now took my meds so it wasn't that. I kept falling back asleep this morning and then I had some caffeine and I did a bunch of reps with my ab roller. My mom and I went on a mini trip. And I just crawled into bed when I got home. I'm just tired but I slept ok.

@Blueberrybook

It was three of my guy friends- my fwb, my friend who visited me this past weekend and then the two weeks of ghosting by my therapist friend! He still hasn’t written back or texted re my email I sent him in which I thought I was being kind! All of them were *****ing about me and “frustrated” with me at the same time. I felt so alone.

Today has been a really slow day workwise. Just nothing happening. I am totally discouraged. I tried applying to jobs - one reached out to do an EEO survey, but nothing else. Not very hopeful about it. I am trying really hard to not be negative.

I just have a hopeless feeling every day that is so hard to shake. No one knows my pain or what I am going through. I have a really good friend though that tries to help, but sometimes I can't even hear what he is telling me.

Going to a Novena tonight at my church that I hope will help this feeling., Just really need to get out of this rut and try and enjoy life. He told me today that I only get one life, so I should live it to the best of my ability.

He also shared these with me, it helped me try to put things into a better perspective:

Just took a shower and brushed my teeth.

I was so emotionally and physically exhausted today I came home and took a long nap. Pdoc said I don’t need a med change except she mentioned maybe switching me to Ativan in place of Klonopin. I would prefer to stay on Klonopin . I think I’m used to it and last time I was on Ativan it started to not work well anymore. It’s for akathisia not anxiety though that is a secondary benefit. I’m in bed watching a show on movies and cgi. I was so tired yesterday too. Just took my night time meds. I am so tired and the meds will only add to that. Got my heating pad on. Watching Disney+. Pnurse said my psychosis and the crying wore me out physically and mentally.

I took an hour nap but I still feel kinda off. My mom wants me to get a new phone but this one still works after 3.5 years and 3 gross accidents and multiple drops I just use my phone for MSF and Spotify mostly. Zoom works fine and so does everything else. Idk. Something about a new plan and $800 off a new one.

My mood crashed. My parents come Tuesday but I am supposed to get my injection that day and I don't have money to even get there. H said my dad can drive me but it's at a harm reduction center if my parents were to go there they would worry about my life. Because they come from a rural area. The idea of a harm reduction center is not where their daughter should be it's unsafe to them. They've never been around anyone that struggles except their children where they had no idea they struggled with substances. So tomorrow I have to call and move my appointment to Wednesday And hope my money comes in time.

Okay, so I might be a little fked tomorrow. When I was pleading to get off the IEA I said "if I am not good when I leave, I give my pdoc every right to put me back on one and I will not fight." Some of those terms were stuff like not self-harming, purging, showing up to my appointments, and one was following my meal plan. I haven't been rested or organized enough to even think about making one yet. I mean, I'm not technically going against it (because it doesn't exist), so I should be fine right? I have eaten at least once every day since discharge (as far as my nearly nonfunctional brain remembers anyway.)

I feel like I'm losing it. Yesterday I spent like 2 hours looking for an email I thought my voc rehab counselor sent me but she actually called instead. I was looking for a list of cleaning and hygiene supplies I thought I wrote in a notebook today for a while too, but I guess I typed it up in Notepad instead. I ordered a fking kit to learn how to type blood (complete with synthetic blood and goggles) and I had no clue. I tried calling the emergency number and honestly I don't think they called because because I don't think they understood what I was trying to say (they probably assumed I'd been drinking or using again and just thought it'd be a good idea to leave well enough alone).


I felt better after some Pedialyte and valium (no more music) and going to the group, but I'm so freaking tired now. I was going to work on photography stuff I thought I didn't start yet and try to figure out if I should eat the lunch I skipped or have the dinner I planned, but I guess I did start it already and I'm so freaking tired and dinner would've involved cooking and I was going to make it a while ago so I can go to bed at a decent time but that's passed, starting to think the lunch I had planned will upset my stomach (salmon and hots) so I don't even know, man.


I'm gonna have to cut some stuff out of my to-do list tomorrow unless I magically sleep halfway decent and wake up and can focus on the single task of getting something for breakfast out of the cabinet for a whole 40 seconds and feel alive again. Idk, I have another pdoc appointment in the morning so maybe I should just not even try until after and then no one can accuse me of trying to intentionally read as a higher weight than I would if I didn't have the appointment.

Okay, I just looked at my budget spreadsheet (which is just a google drive spreadsheet it's not any fancy automatically updated thing or anything) and it says today I went to the grocery store and the shop next to it. I definitely didn't. I was limping to get my meds because where they hit my bone with the needle hurts just as much as it did a week or whenever the hell they did it ago, no way did I go to the store and carry home supposedly $42 of stuff all the way back. I don't even have stuff here I didn't before. I don't even think I got on the laptop today and couldn't have updated it.

I don't know. Last night I confused my meds and took Adderall instead of my night anxiety/nightmare/insomnia/ADHD back up med, clonidine and my pantoprazole.


I feel more fked up now than I did before I went to the hospital. I don't want to hurt myself or anyone or anything like that, but I hardly know where I am half the time and I'm jumping at noises that aren't even happening and just physically feel like I'm on a boat like vertigo and I don't even want to go to bed because that's energy I have to use to turn the lights off, shut the blinds, and at least take off my socks if I don't push myself to get into PJs.


I don't remember trying to do any math lessons in at least a month, but my graphing calculator was under my pillow. wtf? I guess I can get angry enough to be able to take my meds (hopefully the righ t friggin ones tonight) and go to bed.

You guys are so nice. My tattoo turned out wonderfully. My husband told me that now I'm a super fan. 🥹 I told him I already was. Lol. I've spent so much money on this band. Haha. Like over a thousand dollars, between merch and tattoo and the concert, and I'm still going to be spending more. I realized this on the way home from the tattoo place and told my husband and he was just like, "I love you." ❤️ Awe.

Anyway. I have topamax brain right now and can't remember what, exactly, everyone said at the moment, but I gathered @Blue_Bird you're quite happy, which is fantastic. And everyone else is kind of having a hard time right now. I hope things get better for everyone. Oh, and @Blueberrybook your eye drawing was amazing! Wow!

It looks like I've lost 35 pounds since the beginning of March.

It makes sense, a lot of things have been going on. I was wondering why my clothes felt a little bigger!

My psilocybin experience took a lot out of me physically, and I think my recovery is coming along. Have to be very patient.

Had a wonderful time at the Novena. I spent some time at Adoration too. Deep in prayer. This lovely couple from my Legion gave my number to someone who might call me about a job. I am praying it works out because I am really trying hard.

Just trying to make the best of it. Made NO money today and I am just defeated. It is just getting worse and worse.

Waiting on a phone call, hopefully it cheers me up.

I had a surprisingly good day. At lunch time my daughter called and asked if I could pick up my granddaughter from school. I had to drive in the rain on the interstate but otherwise it was all good. We watched movies and played ball, she taught me to spell! She was the teacher. Her enthusiasm was catching.

I called and scheduled the colonoscopy. That’s not until August so I’m fine with that.

I had another day of tough anxiety, especially in the evening. But, I was still able to eat today so that was good! Everything just feels so overwhelming, and some things are falling through the cracks so I'm going to have to give some apologies. I've been laying down with my weighted blanket for awhile. Deciding not to do anything else for the day, and just watch tv with my weighted blanket, helped things lesson a little. But, there is still more I should have gotten done after work today. I'm going to have to let that go though. I'l try to get caught up this weekend. My schedule is about to be a lot more free because of summer vacation so I can catch up then too. I'm still worried about what my mental health is going to do once break starts. We'll see what happens. I can't afford to keep spending like I have been over the summer, no matter how bad my appetite gets.

Was reading online that steroids can cause psychological effects. That would coincide with the timing of the texts I sent my therapist friend. Mania and psychosis among them. Just a moment... Psychiatric Adverse Effects of Corticosteroids.

I SLEPT!!!!! Was asleep by 9pm and got up at 4. Got a notice from management that they’re updating the heating system and we won’t have hot water for a week or more in June and at first I was like “ok, cool, cold showers and no laundry,” but I read it again and they want us to find somewhere else to be that week. Think I’m gonna ask my team if I can get all my meds ahead of time and go camping (or backpacking, if I can medically handle that by then because that’d be a lot more fun).

I do hate how I was so tired last night I probably could’ve fallen asleep an hour earlier if I had the energy to lock the door and turn off the lights without triggering rage within myself to muster up the energy to do that. Then finding my calculator was just confusing.

Photo of Ariel. Tried to add it to my signature but it wouldn’t let me! It’s sideways of course.

Waiting for my pdoc appt, just got weighed and vitals and stuff. Of course it’s pouring and I’ve been walking around all morning again. Nervous! Hate being here.

I fell asleep at 7:45 and I woke up at 4 and I think I was drifting in and out of sleep until 6:30

I'm very cold and still pretty tired but mental health wise I'm fine.

I'm not anxious or depressed I just dont have any energy. I went to the grocery store and I've had like 3 diet pibbs and a chai and I've eaten. I haven't taken any valium today. Yet I am lethargic. I have therapy in a bit and she is just gonna have to deal with it.

She doesnt really care if I'm lying down in bed

looong *** day ahead of me. 9 hour and 5 straght hours of sessions. then i gota go home and do my notes from group this am. alread tired

I sent my therapist friend a copy of the steroids/psychological effects paper. Dunno if that will help or not.

3 sodas? Seriously? Or are you just trolling me?

Get ready to in 3...2...

I'm doing well today. My mood is shifting back from low level (if that makes sense?) to happy. I took a walk this morning and cut it a bit short because I slept a bit longer than usual, and the sun was out, I was just way too hot, I needed to come in, and I actually listened to my body and I'm okay with it I took a cool shower, had breakfast & read with the lamp, painted a bell pepper. The bell pepper is nothing too amazing as I didn't have any deeper red tones to help much with shadows, but at least you can tell it's a pepper, and I had fun doing it.

I hope everyone has a great day!