[MuddyBoots]

I always feel like slashing the tires in the parking lot after therapy and never going back. Very energizing and motivating.

[June08]

I'm 32. I turn 33 towards the end of June.

[LadyShadow]

Thank you so much @Blue_Bird that was so kind of you. I am glad you had such a good day. My day improved. I realize now that I've always had a distorted view of myself. My self-esteem has always been low and I've always felt so ugly. It's just one of the things I need to work through in therapy, if I ever get more therapy which I desperately need.

Looked through my video blog and it really put things into perspective for me. I was really happy at one time and really at peace when my husband left, after I got through all the bad feelings about it. Yes, I mourned and grieved over him, but I felt free as well.

I couldn't go to my Young Adult group tonight because I was so distraught. My friend called and prayed for me, she is so wonderful. Sometimes when I am really low, I don't realize all the good people around me.

My birthday is June 26th @June08 - our birthddays must be around the same time.

[Crazy Hitch]

Got a few things on the go. Taking my son to swimming lessons, have to go to the chemist to get his Ritalin, he wants me to buy him a shield, we need to go to a cafe for lunch and finally we will go to my partner’s mom house to visit her. I don’t really feel like going to her house I’d rather come home and sleep but I do it to support my partner I guess.

[Moose72]

Since my rent is going up in September by $60, I’m trying to redo my budget. So I bit the bullet and cancelled both Amazon Prime and Netflix. That aught to save me over $30 just those two every month. Oh yeah- this month is my last payment on my old dead phone so I’ll have another $33 per month.

Caleb sent me a song on YouTube called “Never together but close sometimes”. I replied “That’s us!!”

[JaneOnceMore]

You are not going to believe this. I thought i "fell in love" with R in February. R rejected me because he has a girlfriend, which he neglected to tell me after flirting with me for two weeks and inviting me over to his home, where we would be alone together. He seemed so fit, and buff, and healthy, and exploding with energy. He seemed smart, and sharp, and intellectual.

I was really angry with him for being misleading. I played many pranks on him and really made trouble for him. Now, it's months later and i saw him today and he is nothing like the R i remembered. One, he's so skinny he looks sickly. He's a smoker. He has the speech pattern of someone with an intellectual disability.

He's just some dumb guy!

Why did i waste all that time and energy and grief over this guy who i am repulsed by physically, and pity intellectually? I really MUST have bipolar after all. Only a hypomanic episode would have caused me to have got so excited by a guy who is 55 and works entry-level at Walmart, is a committed smoker, and talks like he has an intellectual disability. I really looked at him thru rose-colored glasses.

What a gigantic waste of time, tears, and energy.

I think he's an object of compassion and pity among my neighbors [he's a neighbor], and people are pissed-off at me for being such a trouble-maker towards him. I've really offended a lot of people, by being unkind to R.

Argh, what a mess!

Really embarrassed too by how i tried to woo him sexually. Everyone must think i'm a sexpot cougar. I sexted him too, so he's got explicit evidence right on his phone. How he must laugh about me with his male neighbors and friends!

I don't know how many of you have seen "Baby Reindeer" on Netflix but it was a very tame, small-scale, short-lived version of that. I'm baffled at how my mind could have played tricks on me to think he was such a sexy hunk, how with his energy he must have been "a wild-man in bed" which i texted him.

Best case scenario, he was flattered by my "sexual desire" for him. Generally, guys LIKE to think of themselves as sex objects. I certainly went too far with the pranks, but hopefully he found them amusing rather than malicious.

At any rate, i ceased with the pranks about a week ago, when i crashed and tried to give my dog away because i am such a lousy person. My dog is back with me and i am doing melatonin therapy for my five-month's worth of chronic insomnia. It's going well.

Still unpacking this recent episode of hypomania. Lot's of good things came out of it, but it was very intense, and unsustainable, and i am glad it is over. I have a lot of rebuilding to do, but most of it will take the form of being quiet and peaceful, and minding my own business. I won't be explaining to R that i have bipolar, because he DID mislead me, and i feel he got what he deserved. He knows that i am neurodivergent, but he doesn't know the nature of my difficulties, and he has no right to know.

I didn't do anything illegal or amoral, i just played pranks, and made trouble. I am glad i expressed my anger with him, even in such oblique ways. At least i didn't plunge into a depression when he rejected me. I reacted with hot anger, and it was very energizing and at least *i* am amused by the things that i did. I think it's sort of cool that a guy exploited me and i got burnt and showed him what it was like to hurt. He'll think twice before he tries to ffuucckk with another woman.

I sort of feel like i exorcised some of my demons on him, demons left over from my divorce, when i was too sick, and at such an extreme disadvantage financially, that i could not take out on my ex-husband. It's too bad that R had to take the brunt of my rage with my ex, but i am glad that i am finally turning my anger outwards. Not with a great deal of dignity or success, but at least i am doing SOMETHING other than inflicting it on myself.

[June08]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

My birthday is June 26th @June08 - our birthddays must be around the same time.

Mine is June 28th

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by June08

Mine is June 28th

My daughter and granddaughter’s birthday are on June 28th too!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

My cat is boarding. We leave for vacation at 7 AM. I miss her so much. It is so quiet in here. It's so obvious something/someone is missing. I hope she's doing ok. She got the deluxe suite at the vet's. She has windows to look out over a busy for my town street and at least for now she has quiet a bit of space. She'll be fine but I do miss her so much.

I emailed my pdoc and if I don't get better with sleep I'm going to lower my AD. I think this may be summer hypomania trying to burst through. It figures that I just ordered the high dose patches and now I'll need the lower dose ones but the company (I get them through patient assistance) is really good about accommodating changes like that.

I need to pack a few more things and set up my new ear buds. Hopefully by then I'll be sleepy.

[June08]

@Nammu how cool about the birthdays!

Right now, I feel mentally wired by physically tired. I walked on my walking pad for 45 minutes and it has me feeling a tad hypomanic. It's been awhile since physical activity has left me feeling hypomanic. When I had bipolar symptoms, but didn't realize I did, whenever I'd go for a jog I thought I was getting these grand revelations from God telling me I was called in a special way to change the world. It's annoying that physical activity can cause this sometimes, but it usually passes on its own.

I have a nasty headache though. I think it's from my POTs. Standing in line at the store triggered some symptoms so I think the headache is leftover from that.

Here's to hoping feeling wired doesn't keep me up all night.

[Nammu]

Rainbow 🌈 have a good holiday.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Rainbow 🌈 have a good holiday.

@Nammu Thanks!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Well, I did something stupid. I needed to top off my med boxes for my trip and I was so involved in doing that and not forgetting to take meds with me that I totally forgot to take them tonight. So it's 3:30 and I'm wide awak. I lave at 7. I just took 200 mg of gabapentin. It may make waking up hard if I fall asleep but I really want a couple hours of sleep at least before we go.

I also had to take a klonopin because I get diarrhea when I miss them and that's not a good thing when traveling. Getting up may be tricky if only I can fall asleep. Or I'll just be ready to go with no sleep. Whatever happens happens I guess.

Guess I'll sleep well at the hotel tonight. I can't believe I did that and that I never thought to question meds when I couldn't relax.

[Mountaindewed]

I fell asleep at 8:15 and then I woke up at 11 drenched in sweat. I had to put a new shirt on since it was soaked through. Then I got back to sleep until 2:30 and I turned on the TV at 3 and I've been drifting in and out of sleep having weird dreams.

I asked my mom to turn on the air. That was the last thing I asked before I went to bed. And she said no. Shes weird about the thermostat.

[Scooter9]

Well, that was quick! I'm back to 4 hours of sleep.

It's kind of funny. My wife got 4 hours of sleep the other night. Throughout the day, she complained so much that things were hard and that she was feeling so tired.

She also went to bed at 8pm.

Throughout the whole time, I was saying to myself, "I have lived with this short sleep for months and months on end. Yeah, I occasionally say I'm tired, but I don't make a big deal about it."

I once thought that maybe I should complain that I was tired—this was many years ago.

The feedback was: go to bed earlier, drink water, and get over it.

So that was the end of trying that

It is interesting how the people closest to me have no regard for anyone's experience other than their own.

[Blueberrybook]

Great to hear from you @JaneOnceMore! I wondered how you were doing. Sorry about the fling that didn't turn out. Those can be a doozy. Sounds like you got through it now?

[Brentus]

it's the small things getting to me. I called in yesterday to work. After hours, he calls me and gives me a list of stuff of stuff to do from home he wanted done immediately. So I had to spend an hour (without pay) doing it. I wasn't too happy about it.

I'm a little better today than yesterday, but I'm severely depressed. I don't want to be here at work. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep.

[Blueberrybook]

@BeyondtheRainbow - I hope you have a wonderful vacation!

[Blueberrybook]

@Brentus Having to work without pay would irritate just about anyone. I'm sorry about the depression.

@Scooter9 - Sorry about your lack of sleep. Probably your wife complained about her lack of sleep because it just isn't the norm for her? Sometimes you have to give way in a marriage, it sucks but it's how it is. I started complaining less too in my marriage when things were bad because it was getting to my husband and my daughter with me being so negative. And really, I have never wanted out from my marriage so I just started trying to see and comment on the positive which helped things for me. But everyone's situation is different.

I finally had a hot shower for the first time in 2 weeks! I am SO glad the water heater has been replaced. I ran a bath afterwards so I could finally shave my legs too. It just wasn't happening in a cold bath for me.

We're going to my nephew's graduation party later today. It's a 1.5 hr. drive each way (depending on Houston traffic, it can be worse). After the party, my parents said they are taking all of the direct family out to eat at a hamburger place. Well, it's a bit of a weird one, it's got a Subway in it too. I want to push myself to get a hamburger and fries. I haven't had that in probably a few years, and definitely not one as big as this place serves. So I can probably just eat half and save the rest for tomorrow. It's a bit of a bigger deal for me with the ED history and all. I don't really group foods into good and bad anymore, but I haven't had a hamburger & fries in so long. Really it's due to saving money, eating out is so expensive it is saved for birthdays and anniversaries and then we usually go to a more upsale restaurant for fish or Vietnamese food (H & I first met at that particular Vietnamese restaurant so it has sentimental value for us). I hope I do not end up choosing the Subway instead of the burger place especially after a party that will have tons of refreshments knowing my sister and the graduation party she held a few years ago for my oldest nephew. Something of a challenge but I think I am up for it.

The other challenge is just the party itself. I am not a terribly social person and I get easily overwhelmed & overstimulated in party situations. But the party is going to be held in the community center of my old church, and it connects directly to the main church chapel with the pews where services are held, so I can always go there for a bit of peace and quiet if need be. It's a good place to pray too. And it will be good to see most of my family again especially my 2 sisters who are really my 2 best friends as well as being my sisters and my grandmother who I spent so much time with growing up she is like a 2nd mom to me. She will be 92 yr. old June 2nd, and it's hard with her getting up in age, but the wonderful thing is her mind is completely clear and I have the comfort of knowing she understands my telling her I love her so much each time I see her or talk to her on the phone.

Sorry for the long post.

I hope everyone enjoys their Saturday!

[Blue_Bird]

It’s downpouring. Had to wait in the rain for an hour to get the bus and 30 min waiting for the bus back then walk in it. I had an umbrella but my clothes and bag still got drenched in water so I had to throw all that into the washer so I can dry it afterwards. Thankfully my bag is waterproof so none of my stuff on the inside got wet.

Anyway I got to the pharmacy and got my meds. Today was the increase in Lamictal. So I took that along with my other morning meds.

My volunteer coordinator texted me asking if I can come in tomorrow for a shift so I’m gonna be going tomorrow for a shift and on the 29th with the rescue kitties.

Doing well, might make some lemon bars later

[Blueberrybook]

@Blue_Bird - I LOVE lemon bars! What dose of Lamictal are you on now?

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

@Blue_Bird - I LOVE lemon bars! What dose of Lamictal are you on now?

Me too! One of my favorite desserts. I’m on 50mg of Lamictal now. I’m not quite sure what my psychiatrists plans are. If he’s gonna stop the trileptal or keep both or what. I’ll have to ask him to clarify when I see him on the 13th

If I recall correctly he might have said we can taper up on the Lamictal first then decide what to do with the trileptal

[Mountaindewed]

I still feel pretty good today. I was anxious until I took all 6 of my visteril at one time. I haven't taken any valium yet. I've gotten some cleaning up done in my room and some more cleaning done in the garage. I did some reps with my ab roller. I also started yesterdays new episode of this TV show I watch. Its just a normal Saturday.

[Blueberrybook]

Not a lot of time today, but I did paint a carrot. It's not too polished though; we need to eat lunch quickly then head out.

[Moose72]

Hanging out with a female friend. She fell asleep and she’s my ride home. We were watching say yes to the dress. Not really my type of show. We got starbucks- she paid! We had donuts but no real food. I’d love to eat a real meal. But we hadn’t seen each other in a long time so it was due.