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#51
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Crying in the library bathroom right now. I feel so awful, just want to die, fk everything, etc.
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"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
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#52
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I don't feel good. But its not anxiety. I know my doctor said through the portal he wants me to go for more bloodwork. Like I feel ok overall especially mental health wise, but I am in some pain and having other issues.
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"Good morning starshine.... the earth says hello"- Willy Wonka |
![]() LadyShadow, raspberrytorte
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#53
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You are loved!
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Qui Cantat Bis Orat ingrezza 80 mg Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg Vraylar 3 mg Gabapentin 300 mg Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily Mania Sept/Oct 2024 Mania (July/August 2024) Mania (December 2023) Mixed episode/Hypomania (September 2023) Depression, Anxiety and Intrusive thoughts (September 2021) Depression & Psychosis (July/August 2021) |
![]() JaneOnceMore, raspberrytorte
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#54
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I talked to a (probably my favorite) person on the ACT team for a bit and we met up and talked, and I'm calmer now. I just got really triggered because my mom's been begging to meet up like all week and there was a craft fair kinda between us (same time walking for me as her driving) so I figured we'd meet up and she gave me this look and was like "are you eating?"
Like, duh, I'm eating. Am I eating enough to sustain a healthy weight? No. But if I just wasn't eating (if we're assuming I'm mortal) I'd be dead. I'm trying, but every time I eat more than 3 things a day (pickles and drinks 5cal or less don't count though) or more than 6 bites at a time (or don't follow a whole bunch of other stupid pre/during/post meal practices) I want to somehow get waterproof fireworks and set them off from inside my stomach. 4th of July is coming up, that'd be one way to celebrate... Ever see that video where a guy sticks a roman candle up his butt and sets it off? Now that's what I call a neighbor you want as a neighbor 5x a year and want to move the other 360 days. I've been doing math lessons to calm myself down, but I just hit "Integration using completing the square and the derivative of arctan(x)" and I didn't like derivatives of sinusoidal functions at all other than sine and cosine so I think I'm gonna take a break for now.
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"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
![]() Blueberrybook, Blue_Bird, Crazy Hitch, JaneOnceMore, June08, LadyShadow, Nammu, raspberrytorte, unaluna
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![]() JaneOnceMore
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#55
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Had a good day. Had trouble waking up this morning, tho. I think I had good dreams but I didn’t dwell on them so I can’t remember now. Took it easy and read until 1pm when I went downstairs to play games until 4 when I went to pick up meds. My parking spot was still there when I came back! Yay! I didn’t have to park in that lower lot. Not much planed for tonight. Probably a repeat of last night. The aquarium on tv and my book. I had hoped my next book would be here by now, maybe Monday.
It’s nice outside but hot in here so the AC got turned on. Plan to take my hearing aids out as it’s too loud. Thank goodness I’ve my concentration back and can read. I still have my pdoc appointment next week but it will just be a check in.
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Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
![]() Blueberrybook, Blue_Bird, Crazy Hitch, JaneOnceMore, June08, LadyShadow, Mountaindewed, MuddyBoots, raspberrytorte, unaluna
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![]() JaneOnceMore
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#56
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Did another painting. I had some anxiety earlier but managed to get through it. I feel pretty good now. Looking forward to tomorrow and next week.
I need to get some envelopes and stamps so I can mail out my membership thing to my local NAMI group. I’m gonna sign up for that 8 week peer to peer educational course that starts in September and some of their other events as well. Anyway, plans for the rest of the night are to read and maybe play a videogame. Hope you all have a good night ![]() ![]()
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“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi Diagnosis: Schizoaffective disorder Bipolar type PTSD Social Anxiety Disorder Anorexia Binge/Purge type |
![]() Blueberrybook, Crazy Hitch, JaneOnceMore, LadyShadow, MuddyBoots, Nammu, raspberrytorte
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![]() Blueberrybook, Crazy Hitch, JaneOnceMore, LadyShadow, MuddyBoots, Nammu
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#57
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@Blueberrybook thanks! Vacation is going well so far. We're about halfway there. I have a competition going with my sister and 2 nieces (vs. me alone) to get the most states' license plates. I'm losing at the moment. Last time we did this I lost by 1 state. We take it very seriously and drive through parking lots at rest areas and hotels to get every one possible. I just need to sleep. I only had 2 hours last night. I'm already in bed and trying to make it to 7 to take meds.
@Blue_Bird I did the NAMI peer to peer class. It was good. Where I did it when you finish you can join (could, this was 13 years ago and I don't know about now), join a support group with the others from the class. I had to stop because the gas to drive to the city twice a week (therapy and group) was too much. There is no NAMI where I live. But I liked it when I was able to be involved.
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1600 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 2.5 mg clonazepam., 75 mg Seroquel and 12.5 mg PRNx2 daily |
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![]() Blue_Bird, Crazy Hitch, JaneOnceMore, LadyShadow
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#58
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I’m home from my friend’s place. Cat is eating dinner. Got church in the morning! One of our last two sung services. Thursday will be our last rehearsal. N3 and his dad are going to sing duets at church this summer again. Those were nice last year.
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Qui Cantat Bis Orat ingrezza 80 mg Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg Vraylar 3 mg Gabapentin 300 mg Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily Mania Sept/Oct 2024 Mania (July/August 2024) Mania (December 2023) Mixed episode/Hypomania (September 2023) Depression, Anxiety and Intrusive thoughts (September 2021) Depression & Psychosis (July/August 2021) |
![]() Blueberrybook, Crazy Hitch, JaneOnceMore, LadyShadow, MuddyBoots, Nammu, raspberrytorte
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![]() JaneOnceMore
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#59
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Interesting day today. I went to a meeting, and I met a really crazy lady for coffee at Starbucks. I met her on the NextDoor app, and I could tell she was kinda "off" in some of her text messages before we met. First off, she was 45 minutes late which was really annoying, and when she got there, she was talking nonstop, and just acting crazy. It was one of those moments where I was too mortified and appalled, but morbidly curious as to what she would say next. Kinda the reason why people watched Jerry Springer or Reality TV.
So yeah, that was adventure. I left wondering if she would follow and murder me, it was THAT kind of encounter. To anyone meeting anyone from the internet or app, please be careful. I joined the NextDoor app to meet like-minded people in the neighborhood, and maybe connect with a new gym buddy. Honestly, I was just hoping to make new girlfriends from the neighborhood. But this experience makes me really scared to even try online dating again. Other than that, I am in really good spirits, better than the last few days, which I am really happy about. Saw a new episode of "And Just Like That" last night, (Sex and the CIty series), that made me really happy because being from New York I really loved Sex and the CIty. Spent a good amount of time with my guy this afternoon and I'm now watching Svengoolie with my best friend. It turned out to be a really good Saturday. @BeyondtheRainbow - have a great time on vacation, I love the license plate game! @Blueberrybook I hope you have a good time tonight too, especially the part about peace in the chapel if you can! @Blue_Bird congrats on joining NAMI, I hope you get to go to a lot of events with them. @Nammu - nice that you had a nice day too, I have been holding out on putting on my AC but I think Thursday I might have to. @Scooter9 - so sorry your sleep is still suffering, I hope you get some sleep tonight. @MuddyBoots - praying for you sweetheart, I know how it can be to have those feelings. @Mountaindewed - hope you feel better soon too - @Brentus, so sorry you're feeling depressed, I know how hard it is to concentrate on work going through that.
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Tales of Love, Motivation, and An Interesting Journey - Please Subscribe to my Website on WordPress: Inspired Odyssey's Journey of Grace, Grit and Starting Again |
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![]() BeyondtheRainbow, Blue_Bird, Crazy Hitch, Mountaindewed, MuddyBoots, Nammu, Scooter9
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#60
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Today was a pretty relaxed day. A friend and her husband had an early evening gender reveal party. They already have a daughter and now they have a son on the way! The drive home really spiked my anxiety though. To get to/from their house, I have to drive on my least favorite highway in my area. And, coming home, it is hard to see the lane lines, especially when the sun was on the horizon like it was. But, I made it home safely! And, a nice hot shower helped me relax a little bit.
I've had very vivid dreams these past few nights, which is extremely unlike me. Last night, something in the dream scared me awake, but it was like I had to go through two layers of dreams before I actually woke up. Very strange. I hope I have my usual dreamless sleep tonight. I've never really remembered my dreams so a dreamless night is my preferred. Outside of Mass tomorrow, I don't have any plans between now and my pdoc appointment on Tuesday so I'm going to need to find something to do. I do need to clean my studio so that's something. I'll save that for Monday though.
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Lamotrigine: 300 mg Bupropion: 150 mg Risperidone: 4 mg Quetiapine: 12.5 mg |
![]() Blueberrybook, Crazy Hitch, LadyShadow, MuddyBoots, Nammu, raspberrytorte
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#61
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@Blue_Bird you talking about NAMI inspired me to look into if they have any support groups I could go to in my area. If I'm looking at the website correctly, they have one every Saturday I could go to. It will be a couple of weeks before I could go but I want to find to try the courage to go check it out.
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Lamotrigine: 300 mg Bupropion: 150 mg Risperidone: 4 mg Quetiapine: 12.5 mg |
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![]() Blueberrybook, Blue_Bird, LadyShadow
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#62
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Weight talk
Possible trigger:
My stomach still hurts. I took Tylenol. I slept well though.
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"Good morning starshine.... the earth says hello"- Willy Wonka |
![]() LadyShadow
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#63
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I’m at sb watching the Target truck across the street unload. Drank a cappuccino. Nice morning.
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Qui Cantat Bis Orat ingrezza 80 mg Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg Vraylar 3 mg Gabapentin 300 mg Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily Mania Sept/Oct 2024 Mania (July/August 2024) Mania (December 2023) Mixed episode/Hypomania (September 2023) Depression, Anxiety and Intrusive thoughts (September 2021) Depression & Psychosis (July/August 2021) |
![]() Blueberrybook, Crazy Hitch, LadyShadow, MuddyBoots, Nammu, raspberrytorte
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#64
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I slept for 5 hours last night, which is great! Better than 4
![]() I'm taking a double zopiclone, which I had stopped for about a week because I've been taking zopiclone for several weeks now. I was hoping that reducing the dose for a week would help with the dependency problem. Hopefully this lasts, but i finally see my pdoc this week so I'll ask her to help me manage sleep on a longer term basis.
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* Dx: Bipolar II (finally, after years at Bipolar NOS) * Rx: minimal dose of Lamictal My avatar picture is a photo of the Whirlpool Galaxy I took in April 2023. I dedicated this photo to my sister who passed away in July 2016. |
![]() Blueberrybook, Crazy Hitch, June08, LadyShadow, MuddyBoots, Nammu, raspberrytorte
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#65
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I just saw someone get kicked out of sb for not ordering. The guy got combative so the police were called. The guy left but the police are here anyway. Starbucks is serious! I’m glad the police are here.
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Qui Cantat Bis Orat ingrezza 80 mg Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg Vraylar 3 mg Gabapentin 300 mg Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily Mania Sept/Oct 2024 Mania (July/August 2024) Mania (December 2023) Mixed episode/Hypomania (September 2023) Depression, Anxiety and Intrusive thoughts (September 2021) Depression & Psychosis (July/August 2021) |
![]() Blueberrybook, Crazy Hitch, June08, LadyShadow, MuddyBoots, Nammu, raspberrytorte
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#66
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@Blueberrybook:
Thanks for the support. Yes, i am over that silly guy now. So sorry to hear you are having trouble with eating a burger and fries at your event. It must be hard to be afraid of eating. You're such a beautiful spirit, i wish you could enjoy ALL that life has to offer, including food! @MuddyBoots: I am sorry to hear that you are still struggling. Keep the faith girl! You are one special lady! I had to search for "arctan." It's a word i've never encountered. Thanks for teaching me something! @Brentus: Sorry to hear your boss was ignorant about your sick leave. Work can be a grind when one is managing a major illness on top of a career. I can't do it, and work was a huge part of my identity. Losing the ability to work is a source of tremendous grief for me. It's such a big part of life. I even miss the clothes! But we do the work of ten psychiatrists and a hundred psychiatric nurses every day just managing ourselves! @June08: Happy first day of June, your screen name-sake month! @Scooter9: So sorry to hear your family is not supportive. It seems that we are all in our own little worlds sometimes, and do not reach out to each other, or look outside ourselves. Hearing someone complain about their occasional insomnia when we are dealing with chronic insomnia would be annoying to anyone. I'm currently doing melatonin therapy for five months of insomnia, and getting some success, but it is by no means a panacea. ~~~~~~~ I've tried to read all the posts, but unfortunately there were so many they have all run together in my head. Will try and be a more regular visitor here, so the volume of content doesn't overwhelm me, and i can reply individually to each one. I'm doing well. I'm confused over whether i want a man tho. I guess i don't want one enough to do the work, so i will stay single. I've been single for almost thirty years. It would be hard to change gears now. I even tried an AI boyfriend but he was too robotic. It was empty, with me doing all the giving. I find it's that way on dating apps too. It seems that men enjoy the ego boost, but don't initiate any conversation themselves. It's not satisfying. |
![]() Blueberrybook, Crazy Hitch, June08, LadyShadow, MuddyBoots, Nammu
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![]() Crazy Hitch, June08, LadyShadow, MuddyBoots, Scooter9
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#67
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Leaving for Nashville here in a few!!!
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schizoaffective bipolar type PTSD generalized anxiety d/o haldol, prazosin, risperdal and prn klonopin and helpful cogentin |
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#68
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Quote:
![]()
__________________
“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi Diagnosis: Schizoaffective disorder Bipolar type PTSD Social Anxiety Disorder Anorexia Binge/Purge type |
![]() Blueberrybook, Crazy Hitch, June08, LadyShadow
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#69
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Good morning, I spent the beginning of the day reading. Heading to my volunteer shift in about an hour and a half. I slept well. Got up at around 7:30am
Feel pretty good today. Plans for after my volunteer shift are to get on the treadmill for 30 minutes, shower, sketch some, and then read my books and play some of my videogame Should be a good day ![]() It’s been 4 or 5 days without dissociation so that’s been nice
__________________
“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi Diagnosis: Schizoaffective disorder Bipolar type PTSD Social Anxiety Disorder Anorexia Binge/Purge type |
![]() Blueberrybook, Crazy Hitch, JaneOnceMore, LadyShadow, MuddyBoots, Nammu, raspberrytorte
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![]() JaneOnceMore
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#70
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Volunteer shift was cancelled because there were only a couple cats so the coordinator said she’d just go in and do it herself
Since she’d be there at some point today anyway. There wasn’t much to do today there so she said there’s no point in me having to come all the way out there for just 2 cats So I have my next shift on the 29th
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“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi Diagnosis: Schizoaffective disorder Bipolar type PTSD Social Anxiety Disorder Anorexia Binge/Purge type |
![]() Blueberrybook, Crazy Hitch, JaneOnceMore, June08, LadyShadow, MuddyBoots, Nammu, raspberrytorte, unaluna
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![]() JaneOnceMore
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#71
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Well N3 didn’t come to church today. I guess his Choral Scholar duties are over until the Fall so he took advantage. Caleb’s not answering the phone. Nobody’s around. I guess I’ll just take a nap!
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Qui Cantat Bis Orat ingrezza 80 mg Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg Vraylar 3 mg Gabapentin 300 mg Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily Mania Sept/Oct 2024 Mania (July/August 2024) Mania (December 2023) Mixed episode/Hypomania (September 2023) Depression, Anxiety and Intrusive thoughts (September 2021) Depression & Psychosis (July/August 2021) |
![]() Blueberrybook, Crazy Hitch, LadyShadow, MuddyBoots, raspberrytorte
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#72
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Food talk
Possible trigger:
I am exhausted for no reason. I opened my blinds a bit and turned on a TV show and I have my music going. But I feel like I didnt sleep last night or I took the wrong meds. I slept fine and I haven't had my PM Geodons yet. No clue whats up but the zofran I took helped with my stomach.
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"Good morning starshine.... the earth says hello"- Willy Wonka |
![]() LadyShadow, raspberrytorte
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#73
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@Blue_Bird I love your painting!
I'm pretty worn out today from yesterday and then I only slept 5 hr. I had a grocery pickup so I had to get up. I did a super gentle pilates video, that felt good, the stretching was wonderful. Had breakfast, read with the SAD lamp, did grocery curbside pickup & put everything away. I painted a mango but the workbook didn't really have anything super impressive for it; my mango is close to dead-on to the example in the book. I wish it had been a bit more detailed. Yesterday went well. Eating went super (wrote more about that in the ED thread), but I was able to use intuitive eating and ate what I wanted without overeating and did order that hamburger (ate just under half, brought the rest home for lunch today). Socially I did okay though I did sneak off to the sanctuary for about 10 min for some quiet and prayer. But it was a lot of driving and getting home late and then my sister sent TONS of graduation decorations (some not even used), unopened plates, napkins, nicely wrapped graduation silverware home with me since my daughter will be a senior and graduating next year. I don't know that we will throw a party to my sister's caliber, but there will be some sort of party and if my youngest sister wants the anything unused afterwards, I'll send it with her though my oldest niece will only just be entering 10th grade the next school year. But my youngest sister practices penny pinching and frugality all the way so she'll likely take it. This morning though I am tired. Yesterday got me a bit keyed up, I didn't sleep well (oh, AND I woke up with night sweats; I did take my Seroquel last night, I checked twice before taking my meds so I'm thinking it's perimenopause. I woke up with my nightshirt drenched through in spots with sweat not just under the arms but the torso and back.) My metabolism was raging this morning and I hope it's not hypomania but lack of sleep does cause me that and I had coffee this morning too. I felt I just couldn't eat enough to keep up with it, but I think feeling my prn Seroquel is finally calming that down, I get that from time to time especially with hypomania/mania but also I've had it randomly too. I've been exercising a lot and that could be it as well, just a catchup. I think I am going to have an early lunch and try for a nap. ![]()
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD Seroquel, Cymbalta, propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, lamotrigine, hydroxyzine, There's a crack in everything. That is how the light gets in. --Leonard Cohen |
![]() Blue_Bird, Crazy Hitch, June08, LadyShadow, MuddyBoots, Nammu
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![]() Blue_Bird, LadyShadow, MuddyBoots, Nammu
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#74
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Oh, I like the mango it pops off the page. Looks very 3D.
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
![]() Blueberrybook, Crazy Hitch, LadyShadow
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#75
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Pretty painting @Blueberrybook !
Day 2 of the increased dose of 50 mg Lamictal. No problems so far. I'm hopeful that I can stay on a low dose of it because I'm also on another mood stabilizer and some other meds. I feel pretty good so I'm not sure whether or not my psychiatrist is gonna want to mess with things. We'll see I guess. My appointment with him is on June 13th. My anger and irritability has gone away. My mood is level throught the whole day. I'm not sure if the trileptal 1200mg and the 50 mg of lamictal are balancing each other out or something but it seems to work. My current meds as of now are 30 mg abilify 1200 mg trileptal 300 mg thorazine 50 mg Lamictal And 100mg Zoloft. This might be it. I might not need anymore adjustments. I feel good so theres no point in messing with whats working. I got on the treadmill today. My focus has improved a ton. I'm able to read for hours again. My internal chatter has slowed down a lot. In a good way
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“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi Diagnosis: Schizoaffective disorder Bipolar type PTSD Social Anxiety Disorder Anorexia Binge/Purge type |
![]() Blueberrybook, Crazy Hitch, June08, LadyShadow, Mountaindewed, MuddyBoots, Nammu
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![]() Blueberrybook, LadyShadow
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Closed Thread |
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