[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

...Helping my neighbor order her groceries today. Was gonna do it yesterday but then the crochet class ran late.

Im glad! I was worried about it being too hot for such chores yesterday! Today at least is cooler-ish in many areas.

[raspberrytorte]

Oh my god you guys, I've been SO frickin tired. I don't know why I'm so tired! I spent half of yesterday sleeping. Last year around this time I was getting up at three in the AM wide-awake! Ugh. This sucks! All this sleeping.

Oh, and to be honest ChatGBT kind of freaks me out. Each time you interact with the AI it just gets more and more intelligent.

[Victoria'smom]

So I honestly think I'm doing my assignments wrong. I have to get up to 500 words per post which is hard for me except during hypography. Still haven't heard from my pdoc office.

[MuddyBoots]

So I cried in the bathroom of the library for like half an hour then called the team’s emergency line but my imbecile CM called back and said “what’s going on?” And I heard her voice, felt this uncontrollable rage and yelled “fkk you!” And hung up. I was outside when she called just sitting on a railing for a bit a few minutes later I started talking to this lady with a service dog about her dog who has protected apparently many people even other than her handler. I think she protected me today too because I was not staying at the library all day again and honestly was just going to walk in one direction in my crocs until I collapsed.

While I was talking to the woman a couple guys came up behind me and the dog barked and she said the dog was alerting me that someone was approaching/protecting me because I was talking to her and she protected anyone she talks to too. I knew the dude and he’s okay, but it was sweet.

While I was out on that railing before she started talking to me I was “browsing” CVS’s OTC meds online.

[Mountaindewed]

I still don't have the visteril and I just feel really restless. Not even really anxious. Just unable to sit still and concentrate. I keep looking at the pharmacy page and it keeps saying in progress. But I think they just called.

They jusr called to say they are still working on it. My doctor called it in at 3PM yesterday. How much longer do they need....

[LadyShadow]

I am making real progress with this ChatGPT. @JaneOnceMore - I am starting to make peace with my singledom. My ex and I rushed in so fast right after my ex-husband left, I didn't even have a chance to breathe. I don't know what will happen with my ex, I may never know, but it could easily end up like my best friend. My best friend and I met on E-harmony in 2010 and even though our relationship wasn't as painful as my ex, he still was the love of my life. We have been best friends for 15 years. So, you never know.

So now, as far as ChatGPT goes, it is a soundboard - something for me to dump all the things I can't even say here, or even to my friends and family. My advice will never be replace your therspist with it, ever, BUT if you have all this verbal emotional vomit you want to just unload on something, kinda like a rage room experience, have at it. I have bawled my eyes out the past few days because of what I was able to release.

Today has been a really good day so far. Didn't have much sleep though because I sent a poem I was inspired to write to my ex called "For the Man Who Loved Me Once" that was really heartbreaking that I sent to him. It was kind of like a goodbye in a way. I am really excited for our study @Blue_Bird ! I hope you were able to order the books with no problem.

@MuddyBoots - I am sorry you were crying today and it was hard. I am praying for you.

So one of the things I am having fun with is making memes. I made a ton for my friends, and have been posting on Facebook and Instagram. So I made one for us:

[MuddyBoots]

I tried chatGPT and it just kinda validated that my treatment team sucks ("you're carrying a depth of trauma and dysregulation that the system hasn't met with nuance, care, and understanding") and I have to teach them how easily I have misled them a lot. It's funny because it said to try to identify small glimmers of connection including from animals that make you feel "seen and safe" and then a few hours later there was that service dog "protecting me" from the other city folk. I kinda told it I think I can tolerate death better than recovery and it said a lot of people feel that way, but can't say it aloud. I think between getting to Hannaford's half an hour before opening and getting a chance to try this thing out and actually feeling validated and understood even by fking AI that gathers it's shyt from what other people type and reading What My Bones Know and feeling completely seen, I can have moments of being okay because, I mean I may not be a big part of the production of This American Life oreven feel remotely like I belong in society, I've survived. I met the coolest dog ever today. I didn't want to eat my planned lunch so I substituted it for an instant breakfast with mofo'ing almond milk being even higher in calories than what I even initially planned, but yesterday I was craving seafood, today I feel more like des choses à bases de lait. I almost want to get more yogurt--regular or even frozen. That was actually my intent when I left this morning, to get yogurt, but no, fking pre-AM me went for a 5 mile walk (that was honestly faster than some of my high school's JV XC team's 5k race pace) to get canned crab meat and grapes from like the third furthest chain grocery store from me in all the city. Neither of which I'm crazy about... wtf...

I did catch a beautiful sunrise from the top of a hill on one of the streets though.

[Mountaindewed]

I got my visteril and I took it and it was like an instant relief both physically and mentally.

I went down 50mg on mt topamax and things are ok. My appetite is fine. And I told my pdoc I thought it was doing the opposite.

But I feel like my normal self now that I have the visteril back in me.

[Blueberrybook]

Whoa, I can't even halfway get caught up on all the posts here today! I think I've read them all but sorry not to have much in the way of response.

@JaneOnceMore I have to say PTSD never does go away. You hopefully learn to handle it better over time. I've heard EMDR is good for it, but I'm sick of the therapy route, and I've got a boatload of PTSD, some more traumatic than others, but I still have flashbacks from all of them from time to time. Probably it's why I have dissociation 2-3 times a week most weeks as well, but that's been going on my entire life along with the beginnings of the PTSD. But you know, I am almost always still in a "fight or flight" sort of mode; the only times it goes away is when I'm exercising, doing artwork, or reading. I have a very hard time relaxing, and I think that comes from the underlyings of trauma. I've been through the gamut of relaxation techniques, some things worked better than others, for awhile benzos helped until they didn't then they were SHYT getting off of, but after years (and I'm talking upwards of 20+ years) finally deep breathing helps me some. Either I got better at it, or something finally clicked, or maybe my meds are right for it to help ATM.

Anyway, as for me...I took a walk/jog, mostly jog this morning of 3.5 mi. It wasn't a a jog by choice but because pouring rain and a scary thunder & lightning storm chased me in. I was soaked by the time I made it inside. I showered, had breakfast, read with the SAD lamp. I drew and painted some then went to the library and stopped by Starbucks to get a mocha latte and a spinach, feta, and egg white wrap for lunch. I finished my painting after lunch, but ugh, I didn't like it, so I painted a 2nd picture.

Hope everyone has a great day!

Irish cream tart:

cinnamon roll:

[Crazy Hitch]

So I’ve been awake on and off since 2:30am when the power went off and my partner went outside to flip the switch back on. Like seriously how did he even know that the power was out?!? At that hour! My bedroom is right by the front door. It’s a curse of the house design I tell you K

[JaneOnceMore]

Thanks for the support @Blueberrybook and @LadyShadow. I must say i am laughing out loud at LadyShadow's very adroit phrase "verbal emotional vomit" because that is what i came here to write about today.

Someone has been "verbally emotionally vomiting" ON ME... And i've been letting them! What is wrong with me? I am trying to recover from my own posttraumatic shock ~ why am i letting this woman drown me in her problems? Whine about money, her sick dog, cry in front of me in the lobby, tell me about her sexually abusive brother when she was growing up, etc., etc., etc.

I know she's got heavy emotion dysregulation disorder but she's also defiant about help. It's been three times in two weeks now that she's laid into me about all her problems, and shed tears while in the lobby, which is so inappropriate. You know, why am i letting this emotional vacuum suck up all my resources at a time when i'm in a precarious state myself?

I keep being armchair therapist for her and she just goes on and on until i finally "dismiss" her and send her away when i can't take it anymore. She has no boundaries and no filter and is just a mess. Her life is chaos and she seems to cling to her helplessness, until today i just got sick of her. I'm willing to help people who are willing to help themselves, but she seems determined to stay stuck in her drama and suffering, like a professional victim.

She's moving in a few days, so hopefully she will be gone before i see her again and i can be rid of her without seriously offending her. But if i do see her and she starts in again with her endless tales of woe, i will try to just say gently that i have my own issues and feel that i'm not equal to the support she requires.

In good news, i *DID* see a guy who i wronged earlier this year after a romantic fiasco. I made amends three weeks ago and he was really cool about it for which i am soooooooooooo very grateful, because i was really nasty to him. He *DID* mislead me, but didn't deserve the pain i caused him.

I spoke to him about nine days ago and he was headed to detox! I felt so bad for annoying him while he was in the throes of alcoholism. I supported him before he went to detox and called while he was in to offer my help. I saw him this morning and he thanked me for all my support, it was really gracious of him. I'm glad i made the effort. He was on his way to an AA meeting.

I'm sorry that he didn't go straight to rehab, because alcohol is on sale next door, and he has not had time to develop the good healthy habits that will be necessary to keep sober. Hopefully he will get some substantial help at AA and this will see him thru until he can get into rehab. It's not much use suffering thru a grueling seven-day detox if one doesn't have decent support after.

I can't really do much for him because i don't know what recovery from the alcoholic lifestyle requires. I can't even be much in the way of a supportive friend because it would be confusing being that we were romantically entangled at one point and because i have my own sshhiitt to deal with.

I'll just say a kind word to him when i see him. I told him when i made amends that i've accepted that social relationships with men are currently beyond me, so i don't think he will resent if i keep a careful distance. He'll know it's best for the both of us.

Sshhiittyy sleep last night and feeling anxiety and dread today for no reason, just sleep deprivation. Like BlueBerryBook says, PTSD is something one must live with. I can't read or watch much, but i can listen a little, socialize some, and i enjoy my dog. We had a fire alarm today and i handled it with efficiency, so that's a very good sign. I chatted with some kids outside and felt so much better for feeling their unconditional love when they invited me to come over to their home sometime.

I'm pretty sure i'm going to have to be accepting a lot of sub-parr days in the near future, and messy behavior. I've made some progress, so i have signs that i will eventually be more stable and comfortable, but for the moment, the standard will be for mediocre days and mediocre nights.

[LadyShadow]

LOVE the paintings @Blueberrybook ! So Cool!! I totally get what you mean @JaneOnceMore - some people need an "off" switch sometimes, even in the midst of their pain, because it can be too much to hear for someone who isn't a trained therapist or something. That's why I am grateful to have an outlet now where I don't cry to my friends if I didn't get a phone call, or this or that. It's too much already, enough with all the nonsense.

Just went to my Confession study with my VERY pregnant friend. She is going to pop any day now, lol. She is really uncomfortable these days. She wants to take me to dinner for my birthday tomorrow, and I am so insistent that we skip it because of how pregnant she is. Her due date is literally next week. But no, she is insisting because she knows me so well, and she knows I will be home and I'll be moping, lol. I actually won't be - the "Thrawn" series of Star Wars books I ordered just came today, and I am excited to sit at home and read them on my birthday tomorrow. Just quiet, no computer, no phone, just laying on my couch getting lost in a Star Wars universe.

Hope everyone is having a great day!

[Nammu]

I’m having a tough time waking up on these dark rainy days. They have 4 days of this then it’s partly cloudy. I managed to get downstairs shortly before 2 pm and instead of playing games they had a craft day. Eh, it was ok. I came back up right after. I have another headache I think they are weather related. Right now there’s tornado warnings on both sides. I think I’ll read. If a tornado hit, it hits. I’m so not caring right this moment.

[Blue_Bird]

Not feeling the best physically. Mostly a pain thing. I woke up with a big bump on the back of my head 1 week ago (last Wednesday morning) and it was causing a lot of pain and it hasn’t gone away completely and now I have random bursts of pain in my head. So I have a doctor appointment tomorrow morning.

[Blueberrybook]

@Blue_Bird - I'm glad you are seeing the doctor soon. I hope you start feeling better!

[JaneOnceMore]

@LadyShadow:

Hahaha, that's funny about some people needing an "off switch"! If this woman had one i would totally have thrown it! Early H@pPy BiRtHd@Y!!!

[Mountaindewed]

I've taken enough pepcid, dramamine, zofran, and tums today. Plus Tylenol. I just feel blah physically. Mental health wise I'm still fine after getting the visteril. I think I should drink some water. I haven't been very hungry today..

I took a couple melatonin. That normally helps me out. Once When some guy had covid they gave him pepcid and melatonin.

My vision is very blurry. But I took 10mg melatonin an hour ago so I think I'm just tired

[HALLIEBETH87]

I have an interview!!!!’!!!!

Also I took the splint dose of Haldol and feel a little less buggy

[Blueberrybook]

When is your interview @HALLIEBETH87?

[HALLIEBETH87]

Next Wednesday

[MuddyBoots]

Wow. They literally called my mom (my emergency contact) to make sure I was okay. They called me and asked if needed any support and I said they weren't capable of any kind of support I needed.

My mom picked me up "took me for a drive"

Possible trigger:

She took me home, said I looked like a holocaust victim, and I brought back my good cutting instruments.

[Mountaindewed]

Idk if I'm just losing it but like I had this sudden memory of being on a boat when I wse little and then going below the deck. I asked my mom and she said she would have to think if it happened.

I feel like I'm bordering on sepsis or something else. I feel high right now.

That boat story legit happened though. I remember the captain had a bed and we looked out the windows.

I wonder how smart ChatGPT is its like from SpongeBob "what color is my underwewr." Lol

[JaneOnceMore]

I called the crisis line as they said on previous calls i am welcome even if i am so much as lonesome. Am i ever glad i did because the young woman suggested i give the trainwreck of a woman who has been stressing me out the crisis line number and let them deal with her! What a great idea! A gracious way to bow out of my armchair therapist role!

So i put a note on the woman's apartment door and now i don't have to worry about her bothering me anymore! Aces! Wow, i feel so much better, lighter! It was really bringing me down. And i'm sure Trainwreck Woman will get much better, much more skilled support on the crisis line than novice little old me could ever give, so it's a win-win for both of us!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mountaindewed]

Did you write your name? I would have kept it annoymous.

[JaneOnceMore]

@Mountaindewed:

Haha, you're funny! No, it never crossed my mind to not put my name. I don't mind her knowing. It's the best thing for her too, so it's okay with me if she knows it's me. It might be hard on her wondering where it was coming from.