[Victoria'smom]

Well I dropped a class. There's always next semester. I couldn't see doing this all over again next week. H wants me to find a different school. I may do that but not this semester.

[June08]

My bloodwork results from yesterday were already posted today. No signs of diabetes which means I get to keep taking risperidone. But, my cholesterol is once again high. So, when I see my pcp in a few weeks, I'll talk with her about a cholesterol med since it's probably my meds causing this and stopping those is obviously not an option.

My mood has been okay today. My Thursday study group got canceled because so many people can't make it so that's disappointing. I enjoy the group and this means I won't get to interact with anyone until Saturday now.

[LadyShadow]

Happy birthday to me! I am officially 45 years old, holy age crisis batman, lol.

The past few hours have been crazy. Just the wildest weather I have ever seen here, it's due because of all this heat the past few days. My power went out and on like three times, and the thunder was just shaking everything! I have been just writing non-stop; I am finally getting somewhere in my book that I have been meaning to write for years. I am just writing all kinds of things, and I am so happy I finally have inspiration now. The guy from interpals messaged me again, he is really nice, it sparked some hope in me, but not too much, it's just friendly and casual.

But the real revelation is how I feel about my ex - I am coming to terms where we are and what we are, As much as love lives within me, he moved on from me, I met him in a desperate lonely place, and when I went manic and we were apart, he found himself again and made plans for a future, without me. In all the pain and grief of that realization, I started to write and do things again, but the memories flooded in and haunted me. There is a letter he sent me last year for my birthday that was filled with cinematic all-consuming love - that in my loneliest hour before my birthday tonight, I left it on his voicemail, an echo of the love he once had for me,

Then the thunder clapped outside, scaring me and almost knocking out power - and in the most unexpected twist, he called, just in time for midnight, and a special happy birthday wish,

Whatever I thought I was doing, waiting around for emails, hour-long phone calls, it was holding on to something that has long gone,

Today is my birthday, and I am going to celebrate in wonderful, blissful solitude with my new Star Wars novels turning off all the devices, TVs and computers, then, go to dinner with my very pregnant best friend, Hope everyone has a great day!

[Crazy Hitch]

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Happy Birthday @LadyShadow !

[MuddyBoots]

Happy Birthday LadyShadow! You show off that sparkle, girlie!

[Victoria'smom]

Happy birthday

[MuddyBoots]

Yesterday or maybe this morning idk twice someone asked me if I needed to check in with someone today and both times I said no, but I called about an hour or two ago (or 6, but it was dark) to the emergency line saying it's probably not the worst idea I've had in the past 24 hours. I haven't gotten a call back so idk if it just didn't warrant one or if no one had gotten the message.

I feel like if I'm open I'm going to end up hospitalized. I might anyway just because of the results of the weigh-in yesterday, but I'd really rather not. I feel like half the problem is I can't sleep because I can only sleep on my side but I can't sleep on my side because every time I'm on my side I feel the nurse and guard's hands pin my body down. I'd rather not go back to the scene of the most recent crime, ya know?

[JaneOnceMore]

Slept well! Eight hours! Got up once but just briefly. Should be a better day! It's cool out. Monday was so hot some of my peonies wilted. Didn't think it EVER got TOO hot for peonies but apparently there is a limit. Was only able to save three. Got paid today and started building my emergency fund back up. It will be good to have it topped up again. I spent it all during my hypomania. Yikes!

[Mountaindewed]

I slept from 8 until 3 and then from 4 until 5. I feel fine mental health wise, but I'm so exhausted and all I took so far was my Prestiq and 50mg of Topamax. I drank over 200mg of caffeine and I can't keep my eyes opened. I'm also really cold but its almost 90 degrees out. I don't have anything. Its jusf some weird shyt.

[Blueberrybook]

Happy birthday @LadyShadow! What a gorgeous picture of yourself!

@MuddyBoots You don't sound safe at all. I'm sorry your last hospitalization was so traumatic (mine was too), but it sounds at this point you need to be safe. We all care about you and don't want you to hurt yourself any more. Please do get some help. It may help not being psychotic and not fighting the hospital staff, so they have no reason to hold you down ie, go along with them no matter how stupid they sound, that's what I had to do last time to finally get out once I felt more stable and no longer psychotic and a danger to myself or anyone else. What I wonder muddy is what the h*ll is wrong with your mom if you look so bad and are a danger to yourself that she doesn't drive you straight to the psych ER and stay until you are admitted?! Because despite all my mom's passive-aggressive at times, she surely would do that with me even though I'm 47 years old now.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Happy birthday @LadyShadow! What a gorgeous picture of yourself!

@MuddyBoots You don't sound safe at all. I'm sorry your last hospitalization was so traumatic (mine was too), but it sounds at this point you need to be safe. We all care about you and don't want you to hurt yourself any more. Please do get some help. It may help not being psychotic and not fighting the hospital staff, so they have no reason to hold you down ie, go along with them no matter how stupid they sound, that's what I had to do last time to finally get out once I felt more stable and no longer psychotic and a danger to myself or anyone else. What I wonder muddy is what the h*ll is wrong with your mom if you look so bad and are a danger to yourself that she doesn't drive you straight to the psych ER and stay until you are admitted?! Because despite all my mom's passive-aggressive at times, she surely would do that with me even though I'm 47 years old now.

I wasn't even psychotic though. I was just scared because the guard walked in and I wasn't prepared for it and saw him as a threat instead of a guard for a split second.

She probably doesn't take me to the hospital for the same reason she knew I was being raped daily and didn't tell the police when I was a kid. Not giving a shyt enough to think about what she should do.

[Blue_Bird]

Happy birthday @LadyShadow !! Hope you have a wonderful day!

[Blue_Bird]

Good morning, I slept okay. 6 1/2 hours.

Have my doctor appointment today about the bump and pain

[HALLIEBETH87]

Took extra melatonin like pdoc said and still no sleep.

[Blue_Bird]

Now that I’m adjusted to the med changes my psychiatrist made I’m going back to my volunteer job starting this Saturday. I had to take a month off (chose to take a month off) while I was adjusting to all the changes but now I feel ready to go back. So Saturday I have a shift at 9am.

[HALLIEBETH87]

a job i wanted to possibly interview for was filled yesterday, rats! the good paying one is still on the table and interview for it next wednesday

i feel so unqualified

[Mountaindewed]

I finally woke up and got dressed. I took the rest of my AM meds but food is still not appealing to me. I had a couple bites of some Wendys chili

I had to order something some trans guys use and it is super personal so I only told my therapist. But I finally texted my mom because its getting here today and she just said "I'm sure that will help you."

I am so glad my mom is so accepting of me. I wonder if my therapist secretly doesnt get what issues I could possibly have with all the luck I have had with things.

[LadyShadow]

It's turning out to be a great birthday so far! I don't even know why. Maybe all the Facebook messages from people I thought no longer cared or thought about me. And even a warm wish from my very first boyfriend from 25 years ago. The texts and the calls have been coming in, making me feel that I really am not alone and not invisible. I never went grocery shopping so I am out of food. I guess it's a budget birthday till dinner with my friend later, lol.

I hope that you go to the hospital @MuddyBoots - at least just for a little while till things get a little less wobbly and dangerous. @HALLIEBETH87 - keep plugging away at it, the perfect job is out there!

@Blue_Bird - so glad you're feeling better and going back to the animal shelter job! Hope that bump gets sorted out, I hope it's nothing too serious.

About to do a work thing, then settle in for the afternoon with my book. Might write some more too today. Thanks for liking the meme guys! I had a lot of fun making it. Thanks also for all the birthday wishes!

[Victoria'smom]

School

Possible trigger:

So I learned I can not do traditional school no matter how little the cost. So I’m going to do a non-traditional school that allows self paced credits and ACE credit. It’s far more expensive than the program I’m in now. But H says If it takes me a while to get through the classes then we can pay for it. I see this as the only way I’ll get through.

My cognitive abilities are pretty poor right now. Hence why I’m not on the board as much. I’m getting better but I’m without medication had to stop the haldol because I woke up with my teeth clenched and it was hard to unclench them plus as of today I missed my injection. So I have to email my pdoc boss. I’m not looking forward to that.

[Blue_Bird]

He said it was likely a cyst. And that since the bumps flattened out it probably drained on its own and that’s what was causing the pain, said to continue with the ibuprofen as needed and to use heating pad on it if I need to

[Scooter9]

Wishing you a wonderful 45th @LadyShadow ! That is such a rich and nice age, full of perspective, but still with so much ahead. I hope the year brings you peace, growth, and joy!

I got 6.5 hours of sleep last night! Way better than 3.5!

I'm taking Dayvigo - its effect is really cool. Instead of sedation, it blocks the wakeful signal in my brain, so I kind of switch off! I don't even get tired when I take it, switching off is the best way to describe it.

My finger is doing much better! Still painful, but not bleeding and seems to be healing. Thanks for your well wishes, everyone

I'm having such a hard time writing and typing! I know what letter I want to tap next but there's something stopping it from happening so I backspace, try again, over and over. I miss keys by a few letters and it comes across as gibberish.

[Nammu]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🎂🎁 lady shadow

[Blueberrybook]

Did a run/walk this morning and had to come in a lot sooner than I wanted to because the sun was so hot, the humidity so high, and it was only 7:15 AM! Ugh! But at least I listened to my body in that I knew it would be stupid to keep going in the heat especially as I'm pretty sure my meds make me more suspectible to heat stroke and such. Not to mention I sunburn in a snap anyway.

Did all the usual morning routine. Reading went well; I had very good concentration on my book today, and I don't think it was especially gripping reading (though I have definitely read worse books by this author!). I painted a cup of tea, but ugh, it's a subtle painting, didn't really turn out as I'd hoped. I'm working on painting a donut, but I have to wait for the "icing" paint to dry so I can add the sprinkles. And I don't know, I may first add more shading to the icing too. On the donut, I'm using a different watercolor paper than I usually do, a rougher texture, the paint doesn't flow as freely, and I don't care for it as much. Trying to use it up and view it as a challenge, working on different types of surfaces.

This afternoon, I'm going to the dentist. I'm sure to be there forever. I'm getting a permanent crown, the buildup and a temporary 2nd crown and a filling. Thank God they do nitrous. Even with nitrous, the whole experience is pretty darn unpleasant.

Hope everyone has a fantastic day!

[Blueberrybook]

Finished my donut...now I'm off to the dentist (sigh).