[MuddyBoots]

I realized today I kinda gave up working with my current team. Every thing my pdoc says or does just sounds f'ing stupid (other than not going along with what the hospital did which was prescribe 40mg of diazepam a day, that was probably good she'd "only" give out 30), but she brings up meds and combos that have put me in REALLY bad positions before, like apparently someone with liver damage shouldn't be on high doses of Depakote AND Lamictal at the same time (apparently NOBODY should be on high doses of Depakote and Lamictal at the same time). Found that out when I went inpatient. Then she has me take Risperdal which when I initially took it I spent a couple weeks in the hospital thinking I was breaking into apartments in Lowell, MA, going to get shot for being led to a hunter's cabin in Maine, on a boat in the Atlantic, in some kind of labyrinth, etc. etc. She suggests Tegretol which is on my fking allergy list because when I took it I blacked out for three days and woke up covered in bruises and a rash. Brings up "well what about a small dose of lithium" when that shyt has almost killed me twice between an intentional overdose and just refusal to eat/drink while taking it. Pretty sure I've been at toxic levels more than that though because I remember being on it, not feeling well but had plans to go skiing, get on the road and shyt myself, pull over and vomit... and she suggests Ensures/Boosts when if I don't have a lot of "safe" foods, I definitely don't have any safe DRINKS with calories. I don't know, if I'm going to force myself to have the amount of calories in an Ensure I want to actually enjoy prepping and consuming it, and NOT want to throw up just because it either tastes like warm, sour chocolate milk (somehow even if it's cold) or the Clear kind that tastes like someone took any good flavor out of the fruit and replaced it with whatever tf a lollipop you found on the sidewalk that was in a kids mouth for 3 minutes before even he couldn't tolerate it is. I don't want to spend $15 for six servings of "nutritional meal supplement" either when I can get completely fking wasted for six days straight for less than that (and probably want to puke less too).

I don't even expect any help from my case manager because one minute I'll be saying how I puked a lot of blood when I ate over 30% of what I probably should be eating and just laid on the floor for a couple hours because I couldn't move and the next she's telling me she's going to help me get a bike from some cooperation for a reduced fee so I can get out to more places more often.

I swear every time I see my therapist she says "you look better than last week," then the next week she says I looked bad last week. I've not even seen her 6 months and she's "cancelled" I think 5 appointments without my knowledge (as in I showed up, checked in, and then after half an hour just left and called her to be told she wasn't there, or someone who knows me asked who I was seeing and told me she's not here today kinda deal--which happened with my last therapist until literally every other session didn't happen and she left without me even knowing until after she was gone).

So a few times lately "in crisis" I called or chatted with 988 or the NH Rapid Response line instead of my team's own emergency line, and they too are fking idiots. The NH line lady informed me I won't die from not eating for weeks if I have a positive mindset. 988 gives the most basic advice that anyone gets from like two sessions of therapy--I've been in treatment over a decade and hospitalized like 40 times--I think I've tried a few coping skills and know how to distract myself. I'm just fking sick of spending all my time "coping" and "distracting" just to not try and end it all. Am I about to attempt suicide when I'm absorbed in a book or watching rabbits in a field? No, but the second my thoughts get in there I am. So, yeah, sometimes I do go to therapy after a lot of distractions and I say I'm okay but then I walk out and I think my own thoughts and feel my own feelings because I have 10 minutes where there's nothing else to focus on and can't handle that shyt.

I've skipped my Adderall the last few days thinking I'd have more of an appetite and be more willing to eat, but, no I actually completely forget meals are supposed to be a thing because I'm spending so much fking energy trying to find my charger or remember what I think I'm supposed to be doing right now and just having a constant thought tornado, and now I just want to smash glass or ceramic and use the shards on my body and pretend I'm that frog jumping through traffic from that video game when I'm walking downtown instead of waiting for walk signals and stuff (which generally if there's heavy traffic I'm patient enough to wait for but the past few days I've been testing my timing abilities).

[HALLIEBETH87]

im osrry yourr suffering so much. idk how to help other than to say keep posting here and checking in with us

[Victoria'smom]

So the only protein shake I can handle is carnation instant breakfast high protein w fairlife milk and 2 scoops of dry peanut butter in it. It taste like peanut butter cup. I can't stomach anything other protein shake. But one 8 oz is 28 grams of protein. I sip on it all day. I try to drink 2 a day but that's a lot for me. My husband can stomach muscle milk 50 grams that he drinks throughout the day. We're on opposite ends of the eating spectrum. Is there any way you can get a dietitian that deals with eating disorders that can meet you weekly? There's also high protein yogurt if you can handle that. I myself am focusing on getting enough protein so I DON"T fall back on eliminating calories. gives my math brain something better to focus on. I need XX protein a day. My dietitian said I could replace what I was having with smoothies but that is to expensive for us. I'm trying IV flavored water today. I don't think she understands me. She didn't believe I don't eat a lot.So I'm writing everything down to show her which is bad for me. Do you have a journal that you can write down what your thinking and food journal to help? Do a clean page every day and fold over the last page so you don't look back on them and stress.

As for your team I understand not wanting help but it doesn't seem like it's your choice. Did you do a neropsych evaluation within the past 5 years or so? if not can you ask for one because like me you've had tons of diagnosis that overlap. Have you gone through the list of psych meds that you are willing to go on and bring that list? Any injections you are willing to go on because that stops the ability to OD on them? I wish you could get into an eating disorder or trauma center.

[MuddyBoots]

I can do the powdered vanilla instant breakfast if I put like half of a packet in a cup of chai tea or just put the chocolate kind in some boiling water, but like you said we're opposites where I just don't like liquids with calories or really anything liquid that isn't water, tea, or coffee. I'll do liquid IV on a strenuous hike (like 4 miles with a section that ascends 1000ft or more in a mile or less type of deal) or Gatorade Zero if it's hot and I'm walking over an hour at a time, or Pedialyte if I can feel my potassium is painfully low and I might collapse in the middle of the intersection getting meds especially now that I don't bother waiting for crosswalk signals, but even that I haven't had any in a couple weeks because I do regularly eat spinach, beans, salmon, and yogurt if a decent kind is on sale. I really think, maybe lacking in amount, but what food I DO eat is very dense in the nutrients I tend to struggle with (potassium and protein mostly). I think I get periods of hypoglycemia, and I think that has a lot to do with why I never sleep past 3:30am, but honestly it's only gotten to the point I've lost consciousness twice and both were because I was in the hospital and basically there were no healthy carb choices. I hate the fruity fruits, hate juice, and then on the menu there's sometimes mac n cheese, spaghetti with meat sauce (always beef. You know going to a school that ran a farm too (you could actually get credits for learning to milk, birth, and groom cows. We also had a wilderness survival course and a logging elective. But we only had like 5 of the 30 or so AP courses available), and having family with a dairy farm I'm not a huge beef person).

I don't think I've ever had a thorough neuropsych eval. When I do intakes for new places it's like half an hour of "what's wrong with you and what do you do during the day?" I got my ADHD dx while IP after thinking using Adderall recreationally would help me stay awake and then I took the longest nap I've taken in my life (I think I've taken less naps in my life outside of school than have hiked a NH48) and the doc who knew me pretty well said "actually, I've been thinking about it, and I don't think you're constantly psychotic and hypomanic. I just think you're really smart, hyperactive, disorganized, distractable, and impulsive and that combo at an extreme level to someone who can't see the dots will see that as psychosis, until we start asking questions and you're able to make it make sense. Psychotic disorganized thoughts are not connected in any understandable way, ADHD disorganized thoughts are connected, just there's a thousand jumps from here to there that it takes a lot to see the connection." So basically my ex drugging me led to that dx.

My list of "psych meds" I'd feel okay taking is pretty much just clonidine. I kinda hate Adderall because it makes my mornings so good that when it wears off and I feel like I usually do, or if I skip it like I have been lately, it feels worse than the same feeling felt before because it's relative. Like I bet a lot of people born and raised up here aren't particularly bothered by the weather, just "up, another 3' of snow coming this weekend, and coming behind it is some -20F wind chills, time to load some more wood," then they go down south like my aunt for a month to visit their kid and don't come back and start complaining it's cold when it's 55F while we send her pictures of our cars saying it's -17F out saying "thank God I put in a new battery last week."

But I won't do injections. Every long acting injection is an antipsychotic, and they're all like the shyttiest antipsychotics too. Abilify and the 1st gens cause akathisia, which I'd rather deal with hearing voices every now and then and getting a manic episode here and there than hallucinating non stop because I can't sleep because I can't lay down, and I'm allergic to Risperdal and Invega. As someone who right now is in a state of mind if I gain 2lbs I might jump from a tall height, I refuse Zyprexa (not that they even do Zyprexa injections at our clinic anyway because of the PDSS risk and no one wanting to watch someone for hours after a shot every month).

The hospital I normally go to won't even give me ANY antipsychotics at this point. They were reluctant with Zyprexa last time they tried and I told them Zyprexa was the least bad antipsychotic for akathisia, but then I just paced instead of slept after three days and started screaming at everyone and punching walls and it wasn't a good scene and they said "no more for you."

[MuddyBoots]

It really isn't my choice. I keep wanting to tell them I'm quitting treatment, but I have a feeling that will led to an IEA.

[MuddyBoots]

I got referred to a trauma center that's not covered by my insurance and would have to be over telehealth because it's in Boston a few months ago. I got referred to a GI a few months ago too. All I got was an email from someone from Monte Nido that I apparently reached out to while blacked out with resources that aren't available to me.

[unaluna]

Quoting Muddy:

"I don't think I've ever had a thorough neuropsych eval. When I do intakes for new places it's like half an hour of "what's wrong with you and what do you do during the day?" I got my ADHD dx while IP after thinking using Adderall recreationally would help me stay awake and then I took the longest nap I've taken in my life (I think I've taken less naps in my life outside of school than have hiked a NH48) and the doc who knew me pretty well said "actually, I've been thinking about it, and I don't think you're constantly psychotic and hypomanic. I just think you're really smart, hyperactive, disorganized, distractable, and impulsive and that combo at an extreme level to someone who can't see the dots will see that as psychosis, until we start asking questions and you're able to make it make sense. Psychotic disorganized thoughts are not connected in any understandable way, ADHD disorganized thoughts are connected, just there's a thousand jumps from here to there that it takes a lot to see the connection." So basically my ex drugging me led to that dx."

So...? Does it matter where that dx came from? Does it diminish its validity? Does it have any validity? Can you cling to this until something better gets figured out? Instead of bombing yourself back to Ground Zero every other interval of time - which is a repetition compulsion, isnt it? The more you give in to a repetition compulsion, you know... the pounds of fat i put on eating haagen dazs vanilla chocolate almond which i dont even LIKE but i kept trying to.

Just some thoughts. I really resonate with the dx for myself.

[Victoria'smom]

Can you cook meals in olive oil? There's a way to get more EBT if you have to pay for treatment. Is the trauma center sliding scale? I understand paying may not be possible, maybe care credit. There's got to be some real help somewhere. Have you thought about moving to a place that medical covers clinics? I know it'll take awhile but a least it's something. I understand not wanting treatment. I'm currently right there with you. But I spiral with out it. Some trans have made things worse. But getting better (even a little) maybe worth it.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Quoting Muddy:

"I don't think I've ever had a thorough neuropsych eval. When I do intakes for new places it's like half an hour of "what's wrong with you and what do you do during the day?" I got my ADHD dx while IP after thinking using Adderall recreationally would help me stay awake and then I took the longest nap I've taken in my life (I think I've taken less naps in my life outside of school than have hiked a NH48) and the doc who knew me pretty well said "actually, I've been thinking about it, and I don't think you're constantly psychotic and hypomanic. I just think you're really smart, hyperactive, disorganized, distractable, and impulsive and that combo at an extreme level to someone who can't see the dots will see that as psychosis, until we start asking questions and you're able to make it make sense. Psychotic disorganized thoughts are not connected in any understandable way, ADHD disorganized thoughts are connected, just there's a thousand jumps from here to there that it takes a lot to see the connection." So basically my ex drugging me led to that dx."

So...? Does it matter where that dx came from? Does it diminish its validity? Does it have any validity? Can you cling to this until something better gets figured out? Instead of bombing yourself back to Ground Zero every other interval of time - which is a repetition compulsion, isnt it? The more you give in to a repetition compulsion, you know... the pounds of fat i put on eating haagen dazs vanilla chocolate almond which i dont even LIKE but i kept trying to.

Just some thoughts. I really resonate with the dx for myself.

I don't really know what dx's I have have validity or not. I read from the trauma center in Boston I was referred to's website that a lot of people that would be diagnosed with C-PTSD or DTD end up getting diagnosed with like 5+ things if their provider doesn't recognize CPTSD or DTD (the list included basically all my diagnoses, even the ones that got dropped, except SUD and AN and the dropped schizoaffective) when every symptom they have is some type of response to complex trauma.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

Can you cook meals in olive oil? There's a way to get more EBT if you have to pay for treatment. Is the trauma center sliding scale? I understand paying may not be possible, maybe care credit. There's got to be some real help somewhere. Have you thought about moving to a place that medical covers clinics? I know it'll take awhile but a least it's something. I understand not wanting treatment. I'm currently right there with you. But I spiral with out it. Some trans have made things worse. But getting better (even a little) maybe worth it.

I can, yeah. I don't get why I would. If I cook, it's usually like vegetarian chili or something with rice and beans. Stuff that gets boiled/simmered.

[unaluna]

Yeaah i think they threw the RD Laing baby out with the bathwater, more or less. He was in favor of the concept of "crazymaking" and when i was with the family, in the midst of it, i was like oh that is soooo right. But it was just 20 years ago that neglect came into focus, and ACES, and the importance of attachment. I was reading a - THE - book on attachment and it was like reading physics for me. I just could not understand the concepts. Then i finally understood why my mother kept saying, oh they say on dr phil you have to TALK to the kids. That biotch purposely gave me the silent treatment and only talked to my brother, i have the receipts!! On the youtube in my brain. I mean as a CHILD. An infant. Synapses pruned.

ETA - Also - you know i moved in with my mother in my early 50s when my life crashed. She wasnt happy, and my longterm t was probably rolling in her grave. But ya know what? T effin bad. FAFO.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Yeaah i think they threw the RD Laing baby out with the bathwater, more or less. He was in favor of the concept of "crazymaking" and when i was with the family, in the midst of it, i was like oh that is soooo right. But it was just 20 years ago that neglect came into focus, and ACES, and the importance of attachment. I was reading a - THE - book on attachment and it was like reading physics for me. I just could not understand the concepts. Then i finally understood why my mother kept saying, oh they say on dr phil you have to TALK to the kids. That biotch purposely gave me the silent treatment and only talked to my brother, i have the receipts!! On the youtube in my brain. I mean as a CHILD. An infant. Synapses pruned.

ETA - Also - you know i moved in with my mother in my early 50s when my life crashed. She wasnt happy, and my longterm t was probably rolling in her grave. But ya know what? T effin bad. FAFO.

Yeah, people talk about secure feelings (in relationships, in employment, in housing, in making it to see tomorrow….) and that’s another thing I don’t really understand. I was chatting with a hotline last night and they asked if I wanted to die or just escape the pain and I’m like “that’s like asking if I have to find the integral or the anti derivative to my mind. They’re different words for essentially the same thing. You can’t really do one without the other.”

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Yeaah i think they threw the RD Laing baby out with the bathwater, more or less. He was in favor of the concept of "crazymaking" and when i was with the family, in the midst of it, i was like oh that is soooo right. But it was just 20 years ago that neglect came into focus, and ACES, and the importance of attachment. I was reading a - THE - book on attachment and it was like reading physics for me. I just could not understand the concepts. Then i finally understood why my mother kept saying, oh they say on dr phil you have to TALK to the kids. That biotch purposely gave me the silent treatment and only talked to my brother, i have the receipts!! On the youtube in my brain. I mean as a CHILD. An infant. Synapses pruned.

ETA - Also - you know i moved in with my mother in my early 50s when my life crashed. She wasnt happy, and my longterm t was probably rolling in her grave. But ya know what? T effin bad. FAFO.

You ever read the book What My Bones Know? It’s about this woman with CPTSD from shyt parents and OMG is it all so relatable and true: from the being hostile one second and then shaming yourself to it to inadequate treatment available down to the details of watching Mommy Dearest to trigger yourself and then realize you’re more dissociated than you thought.

[unaluna]

My mother was always going on and on and on and on about how she only liked true stories, not made-up books, so in the idk late 70s early 80s when mail order book clubs were all the rage, i got sent a copy of Mommy Dearest, which i did not read, but gave to my mother as a xmas or birthday present. She also used to read True Confidential magazine when i was growing up, which was about movie stars personal lives, so i figured, perfect gift, right? Sweet title and everything!

Yeah no - she got pretty mad! My brother was like, why did you give her that? You KNEW what it was about! I honestly thought it was a movie star biography written by a doting daughter - up to that point, there wasnt any other kind! Oopsie!

They did not believe my innocence. Like i would DO something like that. Mum and brother thought i bought it to accuse mum of being abusive also. She neglected me - she didnt particularly abuse me. That would have taken too much effort on her part.

ETA - Bought the FOO book, on kindle. Have you read Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman? Its one of the old guard books, which i dont always like, and im not 100 pct sure this is the obe, becausr i seem to remember 2 authors, not one, but maybe that was the title that had 2 words. If it is the book, it did speak to me, chapter after chapter it got deeper.

[MuddyBoots]

I haven’t, but I think Foo references reading Herman in her book.

[MuddyBoots]

ooh never mind didn't mean to post that