Bipolar Check-In #91

I still feel unreal. Which is a danger for me. I wish I felt real. I'm isolating because why interact when I'm not real. I am trying to interact here. but I don't know how to process the responses. I feel almost like everyone is ****ing with me. I know they aren't but it feels that way. I had to ask my husband if we were okay because I wasn't sure. I didn't do my app today or school. I really got to finish the week of school strong tomorrow is another day. I told my husband that I may not work and I don't want him to work too much. We're looking at a studio when Victoria moves. I'm trying to fix everyone's school plans but honestly I just want to lay down and be ignored until I'm real again. I don't want to deal with the nurse,, I don't want to go to the dentist, I don't know I'm just so messed up right now.

I have this foreboding fear that I’m gonna die soon from this clot in my lung. They can take months to completely go away. It makes me exhausted from normal activity. I see my primary dr Monday afternoon. Maybe she can give me some hope!

Feeling on the lower end today, with some SI. I think the low mood was triggered by a combination of loneliness and a bad night's sleep.

An accomplishment of today is I got some work done at Starbucks. I teach two subjects: religion and science. For science, I have the first couple of weeks mostly planned. I will just have to make some adjustments once the official schedule for the first week of school is out and order needed supplies. For religion, I have the daily prayers planned for the month of August. For the first few days of school, I need to come up with a fun way for the students to get to know me/help to start building a positive relationship with them. Once teachers return, I'm going to ask a couple coworkers of mine if they have anything they are willing to share with me.

@Victoria'smom

I'm honestly not sure. I just know that if you're considered disabled by the government you won't lose it. I don't know about state level unfortunately. I'm sorry.

I think the original artist might have been inspired by Liv Tyler. I call my reconstruction Mania Rage Is Real

Oy, not feeling great right now. All night if I tried to lay down I would feel my ears get like pins and needles kinda and a couple spots at the back of my head too, and get really nauseous and my brain would feel super foggy--like Depakote toxicity levels of brain fog.

Stopped using my pillow and just used the blanket for less cushion instead (I have always had trouble with every pillow being too thick until one day I use them and it's like over-day it became a flat brick) and that seems to solve it? I actually got a little bit of sleep probably falling asleep around 11:30pm and waking up at 2am. I think that's the most sleep I've had here in a while, and that's with being eye-level with fireworks going off in the street not even fifty feet outside the window (because what better place to set off fireworks than downtown in the street where all the buildings-- are right up to the sidewalk-- including the transitional housing for women who have been through shyt and most of us don't handle sudden loud explosions too great (unless we KNOW there's a war going on or something then we handle it better than anyone else apparently because makes no difference**) and no one's been in a good mood in like a week it seems?)

**I've been reading/re-reading bits of past trauma books, and I'm noticing a theme. In What My Bones Know, I got where Foo was coming from with suddenly being the go-to person once the pandemic (very quickly) took off. I was reading something similar in The Body Keeps the Score that explains if you're constantly in crisis for a while, you tend to thrive because everyone else is in the same crisis, but doesn't have prior experience with living each day with the threat of death at the door. That's why so many first responders have a trauma background compared to, say, accountants or something (I mean dealing with traumatic environments is kinda their job, but there's usually a reason they're attracted to the job).

My stomach hurts so freaking badly, man. I've only had water and peppermint tea so far today and that might come up.


This upcoming week is going to be busy-ish. I see pdoc, CM, T, and my PCP throughout the week. Think I have to get labs done but don't really remember and wasn't given a paper so I'm not even going to head over there until I have the paper. They do electronically but for some reason there's like a shield that prevents those orders from going across the street. Every time I show up for labs that "were sent over" from the mental health clinic (which also is where I see my PCP through some ACT program so they can all talk without me constantly signing ROIs), it's always "we don't see any orders in the computer," and several days of phone calls to get it straightened out or just going there and being like "hey, can I have paper orders?"

Try googling "does bbb affect medicaid in XX" where XX is your state.

I slept well! I took my meds two hours later. I'm doing melatonin therapy to try and reset my sleep/wake cycles. I took it at 9:30pm hoping to sleep by 11:00pm. But i went at 10:00pm (more out of weariness than sleepiness) and got to sleep and stayed asleep til 6:30am! Wow! 8.5 hours! Today should be a good day!

My flakey friend just cancelled on me. She’d said we’d hang out today. What a jerk!

Found the answer in my state thank you I just wish this unreal feeling would go away. I wish I didn't have to wait for my nurse to take my medication. My pdoc said he left the times blank and they filled it in for every day after reading my file I guess. my nurse was under the impression I was recently in the hospital. I'm worried because my h is getting a full schedule meaning more appointments get pushed aside. I'm suppose to have an appointment next month but I don't see how I can get there..nurse came and left. She was nice she may ask to keep me on her scheduled because it's only med management. I'm anxious to go to my parents house. but at least I won't be sleeping in my old room. It's so triggering. I now have no T. I have to call Monday usually I would wait but my old T wants me to call Monday because I'm high priority. Again I don't feel I'm that sick. T was not happy I'm going to my family's house for a week.

Yeah VM i was surprised your "bbb" worked!

@Crazy Hitch: Another evocative apposite drawing! I certainly have felt rage this past month. It *DOES* look like Liv Tyler. She's achingly pretty. Does she have bipolar? Is there a connection?

@June08: Science AND religion? You must walk a pretty tight rope. How do you cope with evolution versus creationism? It's so cool that you are so into getting to know your students and interested in creative ways to do so. My dad was in teaching and he hated it. Glad to see you are a dedicated teacher, tho i understand that you are in a religious private school system. Things are not so rosy in public schools.

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I had a very successful trip to the mall. I kept all my purchases purposeful and affordable at Walmart and the dollar store. I yapped to strangers but it mostly went over well and people enjoyed my energy. The bus driver was so thrilled with me he gave me a free day-long bus pass when i forgot to buy a bus ticket! Haha! He just handed it to me as i got off! Real secretly, like he didn't want anyone to know. What a nice man!!!

So happy, because facing the future without my favorite mall that has everything under the sun, merchandise, food, AND services, was not thrilling me. I've been there everyday for 25 years, so i guess it's so familiar that i can cope with it without triggering my PTSD. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good afternoon, hope you’re all well

I got my pants yesterday, 3 pairs of jeans and 3 pairs of black pants. Really it was in preparation for if I got a job but now that my therapist has strongly suggested against it, I guess not. I needed new pants anyway. I wore the same 2 pairs of jeans everyday for 3 years straight

Excited to start Bible study w/ @LadyShadow on Thursdays. I think I definitely needed to reconnect with my faith. My priorities the last several years since I stopped going to mass are out of alignment. And it’s made a huge negative impact I just didn’t see it until recently.

I can’t remember if I posted but I did go see the new Jurassic World: Rebirth movie the other day and it was really good. I’m going to go see the new Superman this coming Saturday

Plans for today are to read and maybe watch some more of Bridgerton.

I'm doing really well today. I am defiently better without the Topamax. I slept 12 hours last night and then this morning I went to Homegoods and got the viral ghost pillow and the viral ghost blanket. They had the big skeleton pillow with the bendable limbs but he was $60.

My GI stuff has been fine today. I'm a bit nauseated but I think its heat stuff. I wore jeans today.

But I feel less "gone" then I did while on the Topamax. And just overal in a better mood and with less anxiety.

I have never heard of her having bipolar before. I just liked the rage expression. Kind of how I’ve been when extremely manic. It’s an uncomfortable feeling for sure!
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@Crazy Hitch - Another amazing piece of artwork! Your artwork is so evocative and emotional. You are very talented!

@June08 - Sorry about your mood and SI thoughts. I really hate when SI thoughts come around I'm sure you've probably said before, but I've forgotten: What grade/age students do you teach?

@JaneOnceMore - Glad to hear your trip to the mall went well. I'm younger than you are by 10 years, but I definitely have noticed my bipolar worsening with age. I certainly did not get psychotic with mania when I was younger and when I got psychotic the first time around, I didn't black out for days on end. Now if I get psychotic, I completely blank out 4, 5, 6 days on end, remember very little at all of anything going on, it's scary. The first time it happened, I was convinced I was getting early onset Alzheimers.

@Blue_Bird - I'm glad you got yourself new pants. Sounds like you really needed them. I'm happty for you to start going to a Bible study group. I too have been neglecting my faith too long. I need to reach out to the church we were attending (until H got really hot under the collar with one of the key people there regarding politics and Dave Ramsey). It really is a nice church, just we live in a highly, highly right-wing state, most of the people you find are lean that way politically unfortunately and we do not. Still, I did do a women's study group there on the book of Esther, and it was such a wonderful experience.

@Victoria'smom - I hope the unreal feeling goes away. Is it dissociation do you think? Sometimes when I dissociate things just seem not real, sometimes I can't even feel real to myself like that my name is blueberry (for the sake of anonymity here), that I did experience things I know happened in the past, that I'm a mom, that I'm married, just none of it. Another time I had the feeling I was in an alternate reality though still myself. That was very disturbing but it thankfully ended up being the result of accidentally double dosing my meds and while waiting around for hours in the ER, the feeling started to dissipate and I told H let's just go home, I think a nap might help too, so that's what we did. But I'm sorry you have such a hard time with things.

@MuddyBoots - Did you take anything to make your stomach feel bad? Otherwise it probably needs some food, at least try saltine crackers if you can get them easily, maybe a stomach med and this week press more about the GI referral. Not sure bringing up the GI ref. will help but maybe start being a PIA about it and perhaps something may happen? I'm glad you will be getting bloodwork as I worry about your electrolytes with your ED. Be sure they check your iron levels too.

@Moose72 - It has to be so scary having a blood clot in your lungs. It would terrify me. I didn't realize they could take so long to break up.

@Blueberrybooky therapist thinks it's derealization and depersonalization which she says it goes along with my illness.

Thanks @Blueberrybook

That’s why my cardiologist doesn’t want to see me again for 3 months. To give the blood thinner time to work along with my body getting rid of it.

@JaneOnceMore I once heard that is one's understanding of science and religion don't match, you either have the wrong understanding of the scientific material or the wrong understanding of the religious belief on the subject. So, I use that mentality and try to help my students do so as well.

@Blueberrybook I teach 6th grade. I'm lucky in that I only teach one grade. With how the schedule is, a lot of my coworkers have to teach two grades. They teach one subject, but two grades instead of two subjects but one grade. 6th grade is one of my favorite grades to teach so I'd much rather have the set up I do.

I think I'm depressed. I just don't know what my life is supposed to be anymore.

Dubbed the most beautiful child

I am so enjoying being on holiday! I still think about my horrendous class from time to time but I’m able to let it go … a little bit! Got the plumber coming in 5 minutes, then taking my son to the dentist, then got the electrician coming over. May as well get it all done on the first day.

One of the dissociation categories is derealization & depersonalization which is the type of dissociation I have from what I can tell.

Fantastic picture of the child @Crazy Hitch! I love the way the eyes are looking off to the side. You have so much artistic talent!

My day has been good though I could have used about another hour of sleep. I took a jog this morning that felt wonderful, showered quickly then had grocery curbside pickup. I decided to drive our new car; well, it's a 2010 but it's new to us and has a lot more interior buttons and things to figure out than my 2004 Subaru. I haven't driven it much, just quickly the day we bought it, so I don't know how things quite operate. I started driving and the car was making a loud pitch continuous beep. I knew I was doing something wrong, pulled back into the driveway and saw the parking brake light was lit up. I had to pull out the manual to figure out how to unset the parking brake. Then I got to the grocery store and somehow I couldn't get the trunk unlocked; the store employee loading my groceries showed me how! I need to sit in there awhile with the car running and the owner's manual open to figure out how to do things in there. I really hope H will start driving my Subaru to work and let me drive the new car; the interior is super nice; it's only had 1 other owner, no accidents, and it was kept up practically like a new car inside. Outside there is some peeling paint and some hardly noticeable past hail damage, a cracked windshield, but our other 2 cars have had cracked windshields forever, so it's not a big deal.

I got the groceries unloaded & put away, finally read with the SAD lamp & had breakfast. I refilled meds for the week, and after lunch I painted a macaroon. Not sure how well it turned out. The guide book had you using only 2 colors of paint for the whole thing. I had to add a 3rd color in to help matters. I think I am officially in love with the color Quinacridone Red, and I am so glad I ordered the professional tube vs. the artist tube (professional is more expensive but I've found the pigmentation is so much brighter and you need to use a lot less of it than the artist grade.

I hope everyone has a great evening and a fantastic night's sleep!